Phoenix (23 page)

started, he couldn’t stop himself from continuing, “and I’m

thinking about midterms and worrying about how I did, and

I’m worried about the surgery.”

“What about it?” Ethan asked, sounding more concerned

by the second. Blake wished more than ever that Ethan had

just let it go.

“Everything? I’m afraid it’s gonna go wrong, that you’re

not gonna be there, that it’s not going to do anything for my

head space, that it’s just a waste of money,” Blake explained

his thoughts. He felt like he was on a hair trigger, like his

nerves were raw and exposed and every little thing was

making him flinch and tense up even more.

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“Blake, it’s gonna be all right, I promise,” Ethan placated

him, and Blake tried to draw strength from his soft words,

taking a deep breath and trying to calm the knot of nerves in

his stomach. “Dr. La Brea knows what he’s doing, and I’ll be

there as soon as possible. Stop mindfucking yourself, babe.

It’ll be okay.”

“I’m trying,” Blake sighed, rubbing his forehead with his

palm. He just wanted to have some kind of switch flipped in

his head, something that would calm him down. Normally,

it’d be a kiss from the man on the other end of the line, but

he was about a thousand miles away. He just had to figure

out how he used to do it before he and Ethan were dating.

Normally, he’d just go to him and talk it all out and Ethan

would hug him and assure him it was going to be okay. He

felt an emptiness now that he knew he couldn’t just reach

over and gather Ethan into his arms.

“Blake?” Ethan broke into his thoughts, and he snapped

out of his own mind, shaking his head and straightening a

little.

“What’s up?” he asked, trying to play it off like he hadn’t

just gotten lost in his own thoughts. Anxiety spiked as he

wondered, how long had it been? Probably long enough to

worry Ethan and God knew he didn’t need anything else to

worry about.

“I’m just making sure you’re still there. You lapsed into

silence for like, five minutes and I was getting worried,”

Ethan explained, and Blake let out a soft laugh.

“Yeah, just gettin’ lost in my thoughts. Sorry, baby,” he

said, relaxing back against the mattress with a heavy sigh.

He couldn’t get his body to unwind, though, his shoulders

tense and back twinging from how tightly wound he was.

He hated feeling like he was about to snap in half at any

second.

“It’s okay,” Ethan replied, sounding a little bit amused,

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and Blake smiled a bit to himself. He felt like it was a feat at

this point to hear that note of happiness in the other man’s

tone, and it made him feel better. There was a pause and

some muffled speaking, and Ethan’s laughter. A moment

later, he heard his boyfriend speaking to him again, “Hey,

babe, my mom says light’s out, so I’ll call you tomorrow,

okay?”

“Okay, babe,” Blake said with a small smile, shutting his

eyes and trying to relax to the sound of Ethan’s voice. “I love

you.”

“I love you, too, Blake,” Ethan said, a smile in his voice.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Ethan,” Blake replied, waiting and listening

until his phone cut off, and he lowered his phone to the bed,

staring at the ceiling, replaying Ethan’s words.

It couldn’t quite quell the anxiety, but it was pretty close.

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t seemed like the weekend had completely disappeared,

I and Monday morning dawned cool. Blake hadn’t slept at

all. He felt like he was going to jump out of his skin and/or

eat his own arm off. He hadn’t eaten anything at dinner the

night before, nor anything before that. His entire body was

lit up with nerves and his stomach was wound too tightly

for him to even think about eating.

Riley swung by his dorm at about eight, and Blake was

pacing, running his hands through his hair as he started to

run through everything that was going to go down that day.

He took a deep breath and shut his eyes.

“Blake?” Riley spoke from the door, making him jump.

“Sorry, man. Didn’t mean to startle you. We just…we gotta

go, dude. I don’t want you to be late.”

“Right, right,” Blake replied absently, grabbing his bag

with a loose-fitting shirt and comfortable pants in it, as well

as a few books and his laptop. “M’ready.”

“Awesome,” Riley said, letting Blake step past him before

falling in step behind him. “Did you get any sleep last night,

man?”

“Not really, no,” Blake replied, his voice robotic and he

knew it. It was almost like he was outside of himself,

listening and watching but not really feeling anything.

“Why not?” Riley asked in his gentle but matter-of-fact

way as they reached the parking lot. Devon was already

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waiting in the car, dozing off in the backseat. Devon had

slept over in Riley’s dorm the night before because Blake

had needed some space and quiet time, but it turned out that

either way it didn’t do all that much good.

Blake snorted in amusement at Devon’s countenance, but

then snapped back and answered the question, “Couldn’t

settle down. I have way too much shit on my mind, not to

mention I’m gonna be down for the count for like, four

hours.”

“Fair enough,” Riley said, slipping into the car. Blake just

nodded and followed his example, relaxing as best he could

in the seat as Riley started the car.

He tried to breathe through the anxiety, but the only thing

that broke through was the thought that maybe Ethan would

call him before he went under and tell him he was going to

be there for the surgery. He knew he was obsessing again,

but he couldn’t help it. He wanted him to be there, he really

did.

He fiddled with his bag the entire time they drove to the

doctor’s, and he was sucking gently on his bottom lip, trying

to calm himself and not think about the fact that he was

going to have surgery. He couldn’t believe it even though it

was something he’d wanted for a long time now. He

supposed he’d never thought about how afraid of the actual

surgery he was. He’d always just gone right ahead with

planning it. He’d done the same thing with testosterone, not

stopping to think about how much stabbing himself with a

needle every other week would freak him out. He’d gotten

past that, though, with his best friend’s help.

God, he wished Ethan was here.

On the drive, he kept checking his cell phone, staring at

the screen and hoping Ethan’s name would come across it,

but as they parked in the lot in front of the hospital, it hadn’t

come up. Not once.

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He wasn’t mad, but he was a little bit disappointed. Okay,

maybe more than a little. He’d gotten his hopes up too high.

He stepped out of the car feeling emotionally heavier, almost

as if resigning himself to something bad.

“C’mon,” Riley encouraged him, Devon right beside him,

and Blake nodded, letting them lead him into the office. He

filled in the paperwork mindlessly while Riley and Devon

sat beside him, trying to talk to him and ease some of his

anxiety.

“Guys, I’ll be fine,” Blake interrupted, and Devon gave

him a doubtful look. “What? I will, I promise.”

“Like I’ve said before, why does it look like someone ran

over your cat then?” he asked, and Blake scoffed.

“I don’t know. I haven’t eaten or slept in about thirty

some-odd hours and I’m kind of cranky, so I apologize if I’m

kind of being an asshole right now,” he explained, filling in

the fact that he didn’t have an insurance plan, so he was

going to pay for the whole procedure out of pocket.

“It’s okay. I’m just saying, try and relax a little, y’know?”

Devon replied, putting a hand on Blake’s shoulder.

“Thanks,” he murmured with a nod, looking up and

giving his roommate a wan smile. He reached up and placed

his hand over Devon’s for a moment.

“Blake Weber?” the receptionist called his name, and he

looked at the both of them with tight smiles before turning

his attention to her.

“Right here,” he said, standing and walking over to her,

feeling Devon and Riley following him back for the

pre-exam. It was a bit of comfort, but not much.

“Come on back, Blake. We’ll get you taken care of,” she

said in a kind tone, leading him to one of the exam rooms in

the very back of the office, probably because it was big

enough for all of them. “Right in here.” Once they were in

the room, she handed him a hospital johnny with a

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sympathetic smile, telling him gently, “Go ahead and change

into this. Dr. La Brea will be with you shortly.”

“Thanks, Jessica,” Blake said with a small smile. She

smiled back at him, nodded, and shut the door behind her.

He looked at Devon and Riley, nerves flaring up when he

realized this was actually happening and he was about to

strip down in front of these guys. Actually, no, he absolutely

was not. He wasn’t quite comfortable enough around them

to do that. Ethan was the only person who had seen him

without his binder, and even that was a rare occurrence. He

couldn’t wait until he didn’t have to worry about wearing

one at all, and that eased some of the panic he had been

feeling about the surgery.

“Could you guys, uh, wait out in the hall for a couple

minutes?” he asked, nerves making his voice a little

tremulous. The two of them looked at each other, smiled a

little and agreed.

“Just let us know when you want us to come back,”

Devon said in an encouraging tone, patting his arm and

stepping outside.

Once they both left the room, Blake exhaled the breath he

didn’t even realize he was holding in and pulled his hoodie

over his head. Licking over his lips as he tossed it to the side,

he worked up the nerve to pull his shirt up. It took a few

minutes, but he finally got it off too, his binder following

after much deliberation.

Feeling far too exposed, he pulled the hospital gown over

his body, bundling it up close to his exposed chest. He

crossed his arms, breathing through the sickening roll of

self-hatred as his lungs expanded, embracing the ache in his

ribcage as it expanded. Sometimes it was hard to breathe

when he wore his binder, but he’d prefer that over going

without it.

He took a deep breath before going to the door and

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opening it meekly. “You guys can come in now,” he said in a

soft voice, clearing his throat before trying to speak again.

Devon and Riley looked up, brilliant smiles on their faces

before they stepped aside as if unveiling some kind of secret

surprise.

Ethan was standing there grinning widely at him.

His stomach did a flip and he pushed the door open and

pulled Ethan into his arms. “Fuck, I am so glad to see you,”

he murmured, squeezing him tight as Ethan wrapped his

around him in return, kissing his hair.

“I’m glad to see you, too, babe. I would’ve been here

earlier, but the traffic from the airport was a nightmare,”

Ethan said, cradling the back of his head and pulling Blake

in closer. He took a deep breath, feeling most of his anxiety

ease.

“When did you get in?” Blake asked, pulling away

enough to look at Ethan, who looked exhausted, like he

hadn’t slept in at least two days. He cupped his cheek and

thumbed over the soft arch of his cheekbone lovingly.

“About seven,” he replied. “I took the earliest flight out

after my mom got the call that Matt was stabilized.”

He let out a deep sigh of relief. “Thank God he’s stable,”

he said, smiling at his partner. “Is he gonna be all right?”

“Yeah. The doctors are saying he’ll make a full recovery,”

Ethan said, leaning in and kissing Blake firmly. “So now I’m

here to take care of you.”

“Well, thank you. I’m so glad you got here in time,” Blake

said in a voice that was thick with gratitude, a smile

permanently on his face.

“Barely,” spoke a deep voice from behind them. Ethan

and Blake broke apart, looking at the doctor. He was about

six foot three, tall and lanky, thin spindly hands that were