Phoenix (19 page)

“What happened after you talked to Jen?”

“Jen and Katie were close too. It wasn’t just the two of us. Katie was so easy to love. And I asked Jen – more like ordered her – I told her she had to take Katie and go. They were the first ones who left me. Jen and her husband Eric came to the mansion in the wee hours of the morning and we sneaked her out the door.”

Caroline couldn’t stop her hands from shaking. Another nervous habit she wasn’t all that thrilled about. She’d keep a list of all of them but she didn’t have a large enough notebook.

“Do you want to take a break?” Natalie asked.

Shit. She had to get better at hiding those tics. “No,” she said. “I’ll keep going.” She took a deep breath. “By the time I ended up in that…place, I hoped that Jen and Katie had made it out. It had been almost three weeks.” Maybe talking about this wasn’t a good idea. “I pieced some stuff together at The Fed. Saw things happen. And I was given information that Katie…was gone.”

Caroline wrung her hands together. “The guards from that place killed her. They killed Kathleen. She had a choice – she could go through some bullshit reparative gay therapy or she could enjoy her trip to hell with all the other dykes. Katie told them exactly where they could stick it and they put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger.”

Fuck, she wasn’t sure how much longer she could talk about this. “Katie was a proud woman. She absolutely was secure in herself. She didn’t think she had to answer to anyone for who she was. And she was right. But she was a lot like me in that she never knew when to keep her mouth shut.”

Natalie seemed reluctant to speak, but when Caroline fell silent she asked yet another question that didn’t have an easy answer. “Who else did you see in there?” she whispered.

Names. Faces. Words. Pain. All those things she’d tried to block out were bubbling up again. “Robert Allen,” Caroline said softly. “Ellen Goldman. And Jenny-”

Natalie liked her. She thought she was a good person. If Caroline wasn’t careful she’d give her proof that she was shit, say things she didn’t mean to say. There was no way in hell she was going to tell Natalie what happened to Jen. Or who had caused it.

Caroline wrapped her hands around the back of her head, pulling at her hair. “I never got to say goodbye,” she said. “I got to at least try – I got to see other people but there were so many things I never got to tell Katie. So many decisions I wish I never made.” She stumbled up on shaky legs. “I think I’ve said too much. I should go.”

Natalie sprang from her chair. “No. You’re in no condition to leave.” She put her hands on Caroline’s shoulders. “This was not your fault.”

Purity of heart. Humility. Courage. Caroline had none of those things. She was as pure as muddy slush. She tried to push Natalie away. “The fuck it wasn’t.”

Natalie pulled her closer. “It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything to your friends. You tried to save them. All of them. But especially Jen and Kathleen.”

Had she? Had she really? What would Dr. Haddad do if she knew the truth? She wouldn’t want to comfort her. She wouldn’t even speak to her. Caroline had to take what she could get while she could get it. She leaned into Natalie’s shoulder and started sobbing. “I needed them. I needed both of them. They knew – those assholes knew I needed them and they took them away. They took everything I loved away.”

Natalie continued to keep her arms wrapped around Caroline. “Evil can’t be explained. But you have to accept that you aren’t the cause of any of this. You tried to stop it. You still are.”

“That doesn’t bring Jenny and Katie back.”

“I know it doesn’t,” Natalie said. “But you’re not processing your grief and anger in a manner that’s healthy. You know that.”

Caroline grabbed a Kleenex off the desk and blew her nose. “What do you suggest I do?”

“If you want to cry, cry. If you need to break stuff, break it.”

When she had only a few personal items to her name? “I don’t have anything to break,” Caroline said.

“I have a few things I don’t need if you’d like to borrow them. Permanently.” Natalie grinned at her. “I knew I could make you smile.”

“Is it nice stuff? I could get into breaking nice stuff.”

“Not really,” Natalie said. “But aside from that, you need to talk about things. Process them. Do you feel any better now than you did yesterday?”

She did. Maybe there was a method to this madness. “A little,” Caroline said. “But it’s all going to flow back again and I can’t bear to think about it.”

“You’ve dealt with grief before. This is a little more…intense. You have to step up the techniques you used before.”

She hadn’t done so well when Nicky died. Or during the past year. “What if those techniques were pretty shitty?”

“Then I guess you’ll be hanging out with me a lot more.” Natalie pulled a piece of paper out of her desk and scribbled on it. “This is my phone number and address. You are free to call or come over any time, day or night. I mean that. I’m only a floor or two away so you have no excuse if you need to talk.”

Caroline slid the paper into her pocket. She’d memorize the number if she could. “Are we done for today?”

“I think so. You did very well.”

“When do I come back here again?”

“When do you want to come back?”

For some reason the prospect of a second session didn’t seem quite so dreadful. “I don’t know. A couple of days?”

“Let’s say Friday at nine. Does that work?”

Oh, because her schedule was so packed. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but right now I have nothing but time.”

“I guess I’ll see you then.”

Caroline started walking toward the door, turning around as she pulled it open. Her face reddened. “Thank you, Natalie.”

Natalie smiled. “You’re welcome.”

Caroline wasn’t thrilled about showing her face in the cafeteria but she needed a reprieve from the draining therapy session she’d had the day before. If she didn’t make an appearance, the guys would hassle her about not eating. She rarely felt like consuming food anymore and had to take advantage of the fact that her stomach was growling for once. Boone smiled as she passed through the line, busy as always. She’d have to talk to him later.

No one seemed to be giving her odd looks. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as she thought. She scanned the large room and saw Jones waving at her. Relieved, she took the seat next to him. “Didn’t get kicked out, I see.”

He grinned. “Naw. Had to do some pushups. Funny how that works. The one thing I don’t mind doing.”

That seemed like an extremely light slap on the wrist. “Yeah.”

Crunch and Gig slammed their trays down across from them.

“About time you showed up for a meal,” Gig said. “Thought you forgot how to get here.”

“It’s only been a couple of days,” Caroline said.

Crunch wagged a reproachful finger at her. “We’ve been worried about you.”

“I’m sorry.” They did all look a little concerned. “I should have reached out.”

He squeezed her hand. “We understand.”

They’d be honest with her. “What’s the verdict?” she asked. “Does the entire base think I’m nuts?”

“Probably,” Jones said.

Crunch threw part of a biscuit at him. “Don’t make her feel bad.” He turned to Caroline. “They don’t hate you, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“A little.”

Jones nudged her shoulder. “Nobody liked Buchanan. A bunch of guys want to shake your hand but they’re afraid you’ll beat them up too.”

That was highly doubtful. “Really?”

“Maybe not afraid. But they know not to fuck with you.”

“Is that good or bad?”

Jones was practically bouncing out of his chair. All those pushups had pumped him up. “I bet most of them would join our team if you’d have them.”

Oh, come on now. “You can’t be serious.”

“He is,” Gig broke in.

“And Gig’s not just saying that because he’s in charge of the unit right now,” Crunch said.

Caroline turned to Gig. How much had she missed in just a couple of days? They occasionally received email updates from the commander’s office but this place needed a daily memo or something. “You are?”

“Yeah,” he said. “While you’re…doing your thing, I’m the lieutenant.”

Now that she noticed, he was wearing different insignia. She gave him a high five. “No shit.”

“For real.” Jones made a face. “I’ll be glad when this jag isn’t barking out orders. I liked it better when you were in charge.”

Caroline smiled. “I did too. Soon enough, huh?”

Gig speared a green bean, then put it back down. “How’s therapy going?”

She sighed. “You’ve been trying to avoid that topic, haven’t you?”

Crunch and Jones wouldn’t look at her but Gig’s gaze was impossible to ignore.

“Only had one session but it was fine,” she said. “And I get to go to the gym any time I want.”

“You sleeping better?” he asked.

She wasn’t going to lie. The guys knew about her insomnia, both real and forced. “No.”

Gig frowned. “How do you really feel about therapy?”

“I don’t like it.”

“Why not?”

He wasn’t going to let up, so she hit back at the man who wasn’t there to defend himself. “Jack’s only doing this as a power play.”

“The commander, you mean.”

Trust Gig to point out her hypocritical semantics. “Jack,” Caroline corrected.

“You need to take this seriously,” he said.

Oh please. “I’ll take it as seriously as I have to.”

Gig frowned again. He’d been doing that a lot lately. She didn't want to accuse him of judging her, but he was coming close. “It's not a power play. It's necessary. You broke the same guy's jaw twice without even really trying.”

Too bad she didn't remember it. “I did?” Caroline spooned some pudding. “Yay me.”

Crunch and Jones chuckled, but Gig remained cold. “I mean it, Gerard. Don’t fuck around with this. I don’t care about your issues with your husband.”

She hoped his promotion didn’t mean he’d had all the fun sucked out of him. But the nice thing about Gig’s pseudo-judgment was his lack of desire to tiptoe around it. He just said whatever the fuck he meant. “Why is this bothering you so much?” she asked.

“Because we want you with us, and you can’t come back until you learn to hold your temper.”

Caroline suspected there was a bit more to his opinion than that, but she wasn’t about to start an intense discussion in a crowded cafeteria. She opened her mouth to change the topic, but Jones cut her off.

“By the way, Buchanan got kicked out,” he said smugly.

She’d suspected as much, but it was nice to receive confirmation. “Because of me?”

“I assume so,” Crunch said.

“Heard he had to be dragged out kicking and screaming,” Jones said, trying not to laugh.

“What happens when they kick people out?”

“They have to fill any term they signed on for with the California Republican Army,” Gig said. “And if you’re transferred over there for disciplinary reasons, you’ve got a long road ahead.”

Maybe he’d get stuck mashing potatoes and doing a thousand pushups. “So Buchanan has to buck up and deal, huh?” Caroline asked.

Gig smiled. “I guess so.”

Caroline was glad he’d still be under close watch by another agency. She had wondered if he’d blab about her whereabouts the instant he left, but that didn’t seem as likely if he was trapped on another military base.

“Is that how it works for everyone?” she asked Gig. “If we don’t cut it, the CRA takes us?” Funny how the higher ups didn’t mention that when they first got there.

“I wouldn’t think they’d do it to
you,
”
Gig said.

“I don’t plan on getting kicked out.”

“Good.” He broke into a smile. “Then go kick ass in therapy.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline had to do a better job of staying in contact with her friends. It was nice to know that the other soldiers respected her, even with limitations, but she didn’t intend to get close to them. She had her small circle and that was enough. But she could still make time for people who were nice to her. She slid into the kitchen unnoticed after she disposed of her lunch tray. Boone stopped what he was doing when she came in, putting his knife down and pushing some vegetables to the side.

“Thought you’d show up,” he said.

Caroline slid onto a stool across from him. “Whatcha making?”

“Soup. Want to help?”

“Not if you’re putting all that healthy crap in there.”

He grinned. “We’re serving chicken fingers and fries too. For your high class palate.”

She liked when people felt comfortable enough to joke with her. She did love her junk food. “How’ve you been?”

“All right,” he said. “You miss peeling potatoes?”             

“Hardly. I heard a rumor you had ice cream.”

“You didn’t hear a rumor. You snuck peeks while you were slacking off. Or you came in after hours to check it out.”

She gave him a coy smile. “I admit nothing. Break it out.”

Boone walked over to the freezer and pulled out a five gallon container. “Been saving this one for you. Heard it was your favorite.”

Dulce de Leche. Totally her favorite. Gobs of caramel in sweet not quite vanilla ice cream. Caroline tried not to drool. “You’d better get me a big bowl.”

“I get some too. I earned a break.” He grabbed some spoons and bowls and doled out healthy portions for both of them before taking the stool next to her and settling in for an aimless chat. Caroline scarfed down most of her bowl as they yammered on about nothing.

“I used to love this stuff,” she said. “I’d sneak into the pantry at the Governor’s Mansion late at night when I was hungry and go to town. It was almost impossible to find the brand I liked in Pennsylvania but Jack always made sure-”

“Jack always made sure what?”

Caroline heard a familiar voice behind her as Boone busied himself with his bowl. Oh, she’d made the connection. She just hadn’t expected her husband to walk in the door immediately after the fact. “Nothing,” she mumbled.

“I see you found the ice cream,” Jack said.

“Sir,” Boone began. “I didn’t-”

Jack waved him off. “It’s fine.” He smiled at Caroline. “It was meant for you anyway.”

Annoying how he used resources for his own purposes. Did he think he could win her over with dairy products?

“May I speak with you alone?” he asked. “After you finish your dessert.”

Caroline put her bowl in the dishwasher. She hated to waste what little was left but her appetite was gone. “Thanks,” she told Boone. “I’ll be back tomorrow so we can catch up.”

“Sure thing,” he said. “I’ve got a cheese grater with your name on it.”

She’d have to make sure to come at a time when she wouldn’t be conscripted into food prep, but that was a very narrow window. Jack led her into a conference room just off the cafeteria.

“How was your first session with Dr. Haddad?” he asked.

She didn’t want to give him a play by play. “Fine.”

“No need to be so enthusiastic.”

“Not much to say beyond that.”

He pressed his index fingers together, tapping them against his chin. “Caroline, please. Can we try to have a civilized conversation?”

When he was always following her around? How had he known she was in the kitchen? “Why?”

“Because it would be a refreshing change of pace for you.”

Caroline examined his right hand. His knuckles were swollen. “What happened to you?”

Jack flexed his fingers. “Nothing.”

She certainly didn’t want to volunteer information but he’d talk if she asked. “No, really. What happened?”

“Corporal Buchanan proved reluctant to leave the base this morning.”

“And you took the liberty of escorting him out.”

“In a manner of speaking.”

His evasiveness wasn’t so much deliberate as it was reserved. “What the hell did you do?” she demanded.

Jack gave her a half smile. “Buchanan refused to leave. In the process of removing him from the facility, his eye socket made contact with my fist. It’s not a big deal.”

Did he think she would find his pugnaciously chivalrous gesture flattering? “You beat him up, didn’t you?”

“I punched him once.” He flexed again. “I made it count.”

“People sure are violent around here,” Caroline muttered.

“Actually,” he said. “You and I are the only ones who can’t control our tempers. I don’t know what that says about either of us or our emotional well-being.”

He intended for that remark to prod her into opening up but she wasn’t having it. Caroline crossed her arms over her chest. His anger management was as shitty as hers. “Does this mean you have to talk to Natalie too?”

“I’ve already been doing that.” He tapped his fingers against his leg. “Why didn’t you tell me what Buchanan said to you in the cafeteria?”

“Jack-”

The fingers balled into a tight fist. “You should have told me. Immediately.”

Caroline hadn’t been sure whether to believe Dr. Haddad when she said she’d share that information with Jack. But she’d told him. And probably embellished it. And Jack had responded in the hotheaded way Caroline had expected. Which meant he was thinking any number of things after the fact. Her palms started to sweat. She needed to get out of there. She didn’t care if he was the commander, she didn’t care that he was concerned, she needed to get the fuck out of that room and away from him. “I didn’t want to.”

“Why not?”

Because it’s embarrassing. Because I was ashamed. Because it’s not fair to burden you.
“Because it’s none of your business.”

Jack sighed a little too dramatically. “Is anything my business anymore?”

He probably didn’t realize how unintentionally amusing he sounded. His annoyance was strangely soothing. She wiped her palms on her jeans. “Not really.”

“It might help if you talked to me,” he said softly.

“I don’t want to. I’m stuck talking to Natalie. Why the hell would I want to talk to you?”

“Because I care about you. I want to help you.”

“I don’t need your help.”

Jack closed his eyes, a sure sign he was trying to keep his emotions in check. “Are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me? I won’t judge you, I won’t be angry with you, I won’t pity you. I swear.”

He already knew the shameful things Buchanan had said. Wasn’t that enough? “I can’t think of a damn thing worth sharing with you right now,” Caroline snapped.