Phoenix (20 page)

She had hoped her anger would push him away but he moved closer to her. “I can’t bear thinking about what must have happened to you in that place,” he said. “To imagine those men hurting you – I can’t-”

Tell him. Tell him everything.

No. Caroline couldn’t go down that road with him. Not when she spent most of her time trying to block those memories out. “That’s not your concern.”

“It absolutely is my concern. Please give me something. Something to help me sleep better at night. Something to let me ease your suffering.” He reached for her. “Please, sweetheart.”

How could she do that when she spent her nights awake and alone, praying for a peaceful slumber of her own? She was wound up too tight. They both were. And she didn’t want to be around him when either of them cracked. “I can’t do that,” she whispered, and spun around to leave.

Jack grabbed her arm. “Caroline, please-”

The press of his skin against hers seared her soul. She couldn’t bear when he made physical contact with her. “Don’t touch me,” she yelled, shaking him off. “Don’t ever touch me again. Understand?”

He looked away from her. “I’m sorry.”

She rubbed her arm, trying to block out the feel of his hand on her. It would linger on her flesh when she was alone, a reminder that Caroline would never, ever break free of him. “It doesn’t matter what they did. I’ve been damaged. It can’t be undone. That’s all you need to know.”

He took a deep breath. “I need more than that.”

She had to get out of the room. How close was the door? “That’s all you’re going to get.”

“Please, Caroline.” His voice started to shake. “Please let me help you.”

She looked down at her feet. She had to give him something but couldn’t quite bring herself to do it. Not when it was so easy to take the coward’s way out and push him away. “You can’t help me. No one can.” She backed out the door and broke into a full run down the hall.

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline was always doing that. Running. She used to hate it, would only do it if she absolutely had to. And now she was always running away. Never toward anything. Always away. Except to therapy. She’d drag herself to therapy even if it sucked. And this particular session had dragged on for far too long. She and Natalie stumbled across a longer discussion about her relationship with Christine, which wasn’t easy but turned out to be a lot more appetizing than anything else she could think of. But Natalie wanted to press a different topic. She always did. She’d force Caroline to cover at least two shitty things each time they met. Maybe she was a sadist. Sure enough, she went there as soon as they reached the thirty minute mark.

“Jack thinks you’ve given up,” Natalie said.

They’d only met a few times but Natalie was pretty easy to peg. The subject change was right on cue. “Is
anything
I say private?” Caroline asked.

“In here, absolutely. I can’t help if other people share their insights with me.”

Caroline rolled her eyes. “What did he do?”

“He called me the other night.” Natalie hesitated. “He was upset.”

“That’s nice.”

Natalie tapped her fingers on her desk. Funny how people always seemed to be finding ways to occupy their hands when they were talking to her. It made Caroline think they were doing their best not to wring her neck. Which wasn’t a particularly comforting observation.

“Are you going to be this way for the rest of the session?” Natalie asked.

Caroline saw no point in lying. “Probably.”

“Why did you speak that way to Jack?”

Her defensive anger was starting to frighten her, but she didn’t do much to hold it back. “I don’t owe him anything. I don’t owe anyone anything.”

“Have you given up?”

Caroline stared at her hands. Maybe she could stall for the next half hour and her doctor would shut up about it.

“It’s okay if you’re struggling with things,” Natalie said quietly. “It might take a while to make progress.”

“Why are you doing this?” Caroline asked. “Don’t give me that bullshit you handed me before.”

Natalie scowled at her. “God, are you in a mood. Maybe we should reschedule.”

“Oh, I get it. Once I want to know something you shut it all down. Good to know.”

“I’m not required to tell you anything. My disciplinary slate is clean.”

Well, that was certainly honest. “Fine,” Caroline said. “Maybe I don’t feel like talking anymore.”

“Do you want to stop meeting with me? That means you’re out.”

Honest and blunt. Natalie knew the truth. Fuck it all. Caroline rubbed her palm back and forth against the wooden armrest on her chair.

“Well?” Natalie asked. “Do you? I can call Jack and tell him we’re done. I’m sure we can process you out in a few hours.” She reached for the phone on her desk.

“No!” Caroline almost lunged forward to stop her before leaning back in her chair, shocked by her own reaction. “I mean, I’ll talk.”

Natalie pointed a pen at her. “Why are you here?”

“I want to get better.”

“Do you think talking to me will help?”

Honesty. Therapy demanded honesty. Natalie was being hella honest with her. “Probably not.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because I like talking to you,” Caroline mumbled.

Natalie gave her the look she most often threw when she got annoyed with Caroline’s responses. “Why?”

“I don’t know.”

The pen toppled onto the desk. “We really need to work on your insight.”

“I don’t have any.”

Natalie drummed her fingers on her notebook. “Are we just going to go through the motions from now on? Come on. Why do you like talking to me?”

She could try. A little. “You’re nice,” Caroline said.

“Other people aren’t nice to you?”

She always got strange looks from people. Unless that was just in her head. “Some of them are. Most don’t know what to say.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Because I’m a glacial bitch.
“I don’t know.”

“Do you think maybe it’s because you’re a little closed off?”

“Maybe.”

“A lot of what you’re thinking is in your imagination. The other soldiers have a great deal of respect for you.”

All the words of encouragement from the guys seemed rather trite now. Even if Natalie agreed with them, it was much easier to focus on the negative. “You must not have spoken to my training officers. They hassled me all the time.”

“And you gave it back to them. Men appreciate that sort of response.”

“What, me acting like one of the guys?”

“It worked for you in Congress.”

There were so many paths for her to go down, but Dr. Haddad kept choosing the ones that ended at undesirable locations. “Just how much research did you do on me?” Caroline asked.

“I told you,” Natalie said. “Enough.”

“Sounds like you spent a lot of time reading articles that haven’t been scrubbed from the internet.”

Natalie shrugged. “A little. All I know is what’s floating around. I’m trying to figure out how much of it matches up with what I’ve seen so far. Let’s switch gears and go a little further back than we have.”

“I don’t want to talk about The Fed.”

“I didn’t say we would. Let’s talk about your congressional career.”

Fucking Christ. Natalie didn’t want to talk about legislation or Caroline’s campaign history. That was a veiled reference to something else. “You mean, what happened at the tail end. I don’t want to talk about Jack.”

“I don’t mean your relationship with Jack. Let’s talk about what happened at the Visitor’s Center.”

The act she could never escape. She’d throw Natalie a bone. Anything to avoid talking about Jack, The Fed, or even Chrissy. It gave her an opportunity to vent. “You’re just like all the others, building me up for something that wasn’t a big deal. I got all this attention after I got shot and I still don’t understand it.”

“If you don’t understand after all these years, I don’t know what to say.”

Caroline could talk about that shit for hours because it still bothered her. “I hated it. Being rewarded for simply doing the right thing. All that praise from people who didn’t even know me. And the worst part was, I don’t even think I did it for altruistic reasons.”

“In what sense?”

“You know what I was thinking about when it happened? My own kids. About what I hoped someone would do in the same situation. I wasn’t even thinking about the children I was pushing out of the way. Pretty selfish.”

Natalie shook her head. “Caroline, sometimes I wonder how your mind works.”

“In fact, it was probably doubly selfish because even though I was imagining they were my kids, I clearly had no regard for my own children since I threw myself in between a madman with a gun and a group of people I didn’t even know.”

Natalie let out an exasperated sigh. “Well, you’re talking, so that’s progress.  Have you always felt this way?”

“Ask the therapist I saw after it all happened.”

“You were in therapy before?”

It seemed pointless so she’d dropped off rather quickly. “I went once and never went back.”

“What did that person say?”

“She said I had a warped view of reality.”

Natalie laughed. “Did it ever occur to you that if multiple people tell you the same thing, maybe there’s a grain of truth to it? That maybe you should start believing what they say?”

Damn her for making sense. “I guess.”

“The reason people in our society are rewarded for doing the right thing is because it’s so rare. And don’t interrupt me,” Natalie said. “If more people did the right thing, you think Santos would be sitting in the White House right now?”

“I guess not.”

“Then give yourself some fucking credit already. You spend too much time beating yourself up over the things you can’t control. Let yourself be proud of the things you can.”

Dr. Haddad meant more than just her actions at the Capitol. But that was easier said than done. “I’ll try,” Caroline said.

“Good.” Natalie smiled. “I think I’ve put you through enough today. Don’t you?”

Caroline stood up a little too quickly, eager as hell to get out of there. “I need to go to the gym.”

Natalie laughed. “It won’t hurt my feelings if you do that every time you’re done talking to me. Come back Wednesday. We’ll chat more then.”

She made it sound like they were having tea. But the thought of returning for another session was becoming less and less undesirable. Caroline smiled at her. “Can do.”

Jack very rarely went to the cafeteria to eat. Didn’t eat much at home, either. Sometimes Schroeder would bring him meals to make sure his boss was keeping his energy up. That man noticed everything but only occasionally commented on it. Nothing specific, but enough to make his opinions known without saying too much.

“You should head out for lunch,” Schroeder told him. “Heard they’re serving pot roast.”

Didn’t that sound appealing. “Just like mom used to make, I assume?”

Schroeder laughed. “Did your mother cook that kind of stuff?”

He hadn’t told his assistant much about his life before he arrived on the base, but the comment was enough to poke at his memories. “Not really,” Jack said. “She was more the type of woman who’d call a caterer. Just like-”

He’d almost said her name. Even in jest, it hurt. Funny that the thought had crossed his mind. Caroline loved to bake, loved to do things for her family…but throwing together an elaborate meal wasn’t her strongest skill. Maybe it was Oedipal the way he’d found himself drawn to her, since his mother had been almost exactly the same way.

Shake it off.
“I used to make a mean pot roast myself,” Jack said.

Schroeder shoved some papers in the file cabinet behind him, the noise echoing through the small room. “I guess some people are better at destroying things than putting them together properly.”

Well, if that wasn’t passive-aggressive as fuck. “Say what you mean, Captain.”

“Nothing.” Schroeder started fiddling with more papers on his desk. “How’s Major Gerard’s therapy going? I hope you confiscated her weapon.”

Schroeder wasn’t exactly his best pal. Hell, no one on the base was. Jack would occasionally have a beer with Flaherty or talk about things with Natalie in a clinical setting, but he’d never go too deep.

Even if she was treating him like shit, he felt compelled to defend his wife. And part of him was curious to know whether Schroeder’s issues with Caroline were borne out of loyalty or something else. “Permission to speak freely,” Jack said.

Schroeder frowned. “I don’t think you want that, sir.”

“I do. Go on.”

The younger man clipped more papers together and stacked them in a pile on the corner of his desk. “I have issues with Major Gerard’s behavior toward you.”

Jack laughed. “You’ll get no disagreement from me. I have a feeling we
do
disagree as to what that behavior is.”

“Her conduct appears to be less than professional. I will make no comments on the personal.”

His statements were
entirely
personal. Caroline had never done anything but display proper protocol while in public. Which was more upsetting to Jack since she kept a distance that had nothing to do with their differences in rank. A strange dichotomy. Their marriage had been a partnership between equals yet she seemed obsessed with widening the emotional and hierarchical gaps between them.

“Captain Schroeder, have you ever been married?” Jack asked.

Schroeder adjusted his glasses. “No,” he said. “Not yet.”

Jack sat down in the chair facing his desk. “Then you’ll have to believe me when I tell you that no one really understands what happens in a marriage aside from the two people who are living it.”

“Are you telling me to drop the subject?”

Pretty much
. “No, I’m asking you to respect my privacy. And hers. Caroline isn’t herself right now. It may take a while before she gets to where she needs to be. I need you to pretend she’s not my wife. She deserves the same treatment as everyone else.”

Schroeder lowered his head but his tone remained the same. “You need to stop giving her so much slack. She’s going to grab that rope and hang herself if you let her.”

What an unsettling metaphor. “It was unreasonable for me to expect you to understand,” Jack said.

His assistant met his eyes. “I do understand, sir. I just want to make sure that you’re not dealing with this situation with blinders on.”

Like he didn’t realize he couldn’t be objective. Jack knew his weaknesses. He just wished they weren’t so obvious to everyone else. “Captain, I hope that someday you find the kind of love that renders you incapable of thinking rationally.” He tried not to smile. He’d had his struggles with Caroline as of late, but on the whole it was completely worth it. “There’s nothing like it in the world.”

Schroeder stared at him a moment before sighing. “I’m sorry if I spoke out of turn. I don’t want to see you making any rash decisions.”

Jack laughed again. “That’s why I have you. To call me out.” He headed toward the door. They’d have to expand upon their discussion later, but he needed a full stomach first. “I’m going to check out that pot roast.”

*              *              *              *              *

The pot roast had been unspectacular but edible. Sadly, Jack hadn’t caught a glimpse of Caroline as he ate. If he was honest with himself, that was the real reason he’d gone to the cafeteria. Part of him wanted to stick around to see if she came in. Maybe she ate during off hours to avoid attention. That was something she’d do if she wanted to be by herself. She spent most of her time flying solo, which made him sad. When she was with her friends he’d catch her smiling or laughing, or doing things that gave him hope that her treatment was working and her mood was shifting. When she was by herself, he was reminded that solitude bore a loneliness that couldn’t be expressed in words.

But he couldn’t dwell on the negative. He had to go back to his office, finish that discussion with Schroeder, catch up on some intelligence updates. Effective distractions, all of them, which was why he tried to bury himself in paperwork whenever possible.

He was headed down the hall toward the exit when he saw a blond woman waving at him. Lieutenant Underwood. One of the few female officers on the base. Dammit, Caroline had been right about the lack of diversity among the officer ranks. He just didn’t know how to change it. And Underwood was capable if not a little…bouncy. During the first few months he’d been on the base, she’d engaged in more than her fair share of flirtatious behavior. He’d ignored it, too mired in grief to permanently rebuff her advances. But the expression on her face led him to believe that she thought the door was open.

Dammit. Stupid rumor mill. He could only imagine. He’d have to stay more in the loop, figure out exactly what was being said. Between Schroeder’s poorly masked dislike of his wife and Underwood’s advances, he was having a hell of a day. But he smiled at her anyway, more out of obligation than anything else.

When she got closer she saluted him. “Sir,” she said.

Jack tried not to groan. She was trying too hard already. “At ease,” he said.

She gave him a wide smile. “Rare to see you here.”

He shrugged. “Even commanders have to eat.”

She touched his arm. Oh, that was forward. And really fucking obvious. Underwood lacked finesse. “Wish I could have joined you,” she said.

Jack cleared his throat. “You weren’t missing much. The food isn’t that great.”

“But the company is.”

Jesus fucking Christ. Had she batted her eyelashes at him? He glanced around the hallway, which appeared to be empty. “I’m not that interesting,” he said.

“I bet you’d be able to give some captivating insights on that briefing we had last week.”

He’d forgotten she was assigned to military intelligence, albeit on a limited basis. He wasn’t entirely sure how she’d gotten that assignment since she seemed better suited to public relations or something equally fluffy. Although it seemed misogynistic for him to assume that just because she was female and perky she would have made a good PR person.

Shit. There it was. Caroline’s influence rearing its not so ugly and strongly desired head again. He had to stop doing that.

“I doubt it,” Jack said. “Doesn’t that stuff bore you?”

“Not when the person doling out the details is so appealing.”

He’d encountered some persistent women before, who weren’t all that good at the game but made their baser feelings know. Too obvious, too fake, too manufactured. In his younger days he would have responded but now he wanted more. And he only wanted it from one person. He forced a laugh.

“Yes,” he said. “I find Major Flaherty just as attractive as you do.”

She giggled and squeezed his arm again. “You’re quite funny, Commander.”

Time to nip this in the bud. He pressed his hand against hers before pulling it away. “I’ve got an urgent matter back at the office. I’m sure you understand.”

She put her hand back where it was, pinching his arm. “I do,” she said. “Please call me if you need anything. And I mean
anything
.”

Again with the obviousness. Jack was about to open his mouth again when he heard a noise. The sound of something tumbling over. He glanced behind him and saw a female figure scurrying away, a few boxes of supplies scattered in her wake. For the first time during his ungainly conversation with Underwood, he grinned. They’d been seen. By Caroline.

His day had just improved tremendously.

*              *              *              *              *

“You watch him like a hawk,” Natalie said. “I’ve seen you do it.”

Yet another session had turned into a discussion about Jack. Natalie was good at that. But after spending the past couple of weeks rehashing certain carefully delineated details of what had happened at The Fed and taking Natalie through her physical recovery, Caroline had no desire to touch upon either of those topics again. Jack was the safest thing she could talk about without completely losing control. But was she guilty of Natalie’s accusation?

“I do not,” she said.

“You do. Why do you keep such tabs on him if he doesn’t matter to you?”

“You’re seeing things.”

“When you’re in the same room you study him. And you’re not exactly detached.”

They weren’t in the same room that often. Although Caroline had noticed him coming into the cafeteria more regularly. “Why are you watching me?” she asked.

“I notice things,” Natalie said. “I can’t help it.”

“Are we your little science experiment?”

Natalie laughed. “That’s one way to put it.”

She shifted in her chair. “I don’t – it’s not like that means anything.”

“I never said it did.”

Goddammit. She didn’t like when Natalie read between the lines like that. Caroline stared at the floor. The carpet was worn in places; it hadn’t been a priority when the base was being renovated. She’d often cast her gaze down at one of the rougher spots to distract herself during their meetings. But now it all seemed to blur together.

“He keeps an eye on you too,” Natalie said.

Her head shot up. “Of course he does. I’m surprised he doesn’t make me wear a GPS so he knows where I am at all times.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Did he tell you he had a key to my apartment?”

Natalie fiddled with her pen. “He might have mentioned it. I told him it was a shitty idea.”

“I made him give it to me.”

“I know.”

What
didn’t
she know? “How often does he talk to you?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“What
can
you tell me?”

Natalie cleared her throat. “You are a frequent topic of our conversations.”

The admission was expected but it made Caroline uncomfortable. “I see.”

Natalie flipped open her laptop, turning it around to face Caroline. “I want to change course a bit and I’m hoping you’ll indulge me. I’m only asking because you’ve done very well over the past couple of weeks.”

Oh, that could mean nothing good. She had to have planned this transition. “What is it?” Caroline asked.

“I asked Jack to tell me one of his public memories of you. I figured it might help you talk about your relationship.”

She had made a mistake by opening the door during their last few sessions. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re making a lot of progress, Caroline. It’s time for you to take the next step. Aside from your time at The Fed, this is the main thing holding you back. Can you please try?”

What else was she going to talk to Natalie about? The nightmares that had returned with a vengeance? Bob or Ellie or Jen? Damn it, this was the least dangerous topic and it completely sucked. Caroline would pretend to pay attention if it would make her shut up about everything else. “What is it?”

“Just watch.”

Natalie started the video. Caroline recognized it right away, and her mind drifted.

*              *              *              *              *

It was early August. The girls were away at camp. Jack and Caroline had agreed to make a joint appearance with Christine and Tom at a rally with Brian Capwell, the Republican member of Congress representing the outer suburbs of Pittsburgh. Caroline hadn’t wanted to make the trip since she was concerned that the people of the Iron City still thought she’d defiled the elevator at one of their premium luxury hotels, but Jack’s campaign manager Greg convinced her to do it.