Picking Up the Pieces (37 page)

Finally, it seemed that we’d discussed just about everything there was to talk about, and despite the loud music, a noticeable quiet hung between us. “Guess it’s almost over,” Adam finally said as he swallowed his last bit of cake.

I shifted the last few crumbs around on the plate before looking up into his clear green eyes. “Yeah,” I answered quietly. “I guess it is.”

***

“How many bathing suits do you think I’ll need?” Amanda slung the contents of her top drawer onto the bed, covering it with bikinis, underwear and bras.

             
“Um, I don’t know. Maybe three? You’ll be in Bermuda a week.” I moved a thong off my leg with my fingertip and tossed it toward the edge of the bed. “I can’t believe you still have stuff in the apartment. It seems like you’ve already moved pretty much everything to Shane’s.”

             
“I have. Well, everything except for my furniture and some leftover clothes. Oh, and that blender. Don’t think I’ve forgotten about it. It’s coming with
me
.”

             
“No, it isn’t,” I said sternly, pausing just long enough to see the irritation on Amanda’s face before I cracked a smile. “I bought you one of your own just like it. It’s in my room. Brand new, not yet tainted by kale.”

             
“Aww, you’re so sweet, Lil. What am I gonna do without you?” She threw a few more items into her suitcase haphazardly.

             
“Oh, I don’t know. Cry yourself to sleep every night to thoughts of me, talk to photographs of me and pretend that they’re real, spray your pillows with my perfume so my scent can comfort you—”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Amanda laughed. “You won’t be nearly as sad to see me go as I am to leave.”

“Oh, come on,” I smirked. “You know sarcasm is my best defense mechanism. It’s gonna be so different here without you. Whose clothes will I borrow when I get sick of my own?” Amanda shot me a look that told me it was time to stop protecting my feelings. “Oh, alright,” I sighed. “The truth is I’m really gonna miss you. You’ve only been married two days, and I’m already going through withdrawal.” I stood up to put my arms around her, rubbing her back to show her how much I cared. But the truth was, I held tightly onto Amanda more for myself than for her. Because even though I was glad she was moving on with her life, I was still scared of being left behind.

“We’ll see each other all the time, Lil.
Don’t be upset. You can come over whenever you want.” She gave me one last squeeze before letting me go. “Just make sure you knock first,” she added quickly. “Besides, you’ll probably be old and married soon enough too.”

“Hmph, maybe,
” I said as I plopped back down onto the bed.

“What?
What’s that about? ‘Hmph, maybe.’ Why do you say it like that? You and Adam are so good together. Well, except for that whole birthday thing,” she laughed. My expression must have told her to drop it. “But seriously, he’s a great guy, and you both seem happy together. You love him, right?”

“Yeah.
I love him.”

“And he loves you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Uncomfortable with where this conversation might be going, I picked at my fingernails, hoping Amanda would just forget that I’d had such a strange response to her marriage comment. But her silence told me she wouldn’t let it go until I answered. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out myself,” I said. “I meant what I said at your wedding . . . how great you and Shane are together.”

“Lily, don’t do that.”
I shifted my eyes up to look at her, and she stopped packing to take a seat next to me on the edge of her bed. “Don’t compare your relationship to ours.”

Refusing to listen to her, I continued my train of thought. “Just tell me how you do it . . . not let things get old when you’re in love.”

Amanda breathed deeply and let her shoulders fall heavily as she exhaled, preparing to respond. “I don’t really know how to answer that. We haven’t been together that long. I’m no expert on love, Lil. I think you’re expecting love to be this perfect fairy tale, and it just isn’t. Every relationship has its issues, including my own.”

“It’s just . . . in the beginning, when things were still new, even when we were getting to know each other again for the second time, our conversations were so easy.
Our time together never seemed long enough, especially when it was just the two of us.” I paused to organize the jumbled thoughts in my head. “I don’t know. It’s like . . . when it's just the two of us, we fit together perfectly. But as soon as we try to incorporate the other one into our individual lives it's . . . awkward. Even at your wedding, our first instinct was to escape everyone and be alone. But I don't want to be that person who withdraws from her friends to be with her boyfriend. That just isn't me." I let my head fall as the realization of my revelation sunk in.

“I think you
’re being too hard on yourself. Relationships take work.”

“We’ve tried twice now.”
Although, I knew as I said it that it wasn’t entirely true. The first time around I hadn’t given my relationship with Adam my all. A part of me wondered if the reason it seemed so difficult now was because I’d made things so difficult the first time. I had a feeling that even though Adam assured me otherwise, he still harbored lingering feelings about my betrayal—feelings he may never get past. I shook my head, unsure of my own emotions. “It’s like . . . we’re so good at falling in love.
We just don’t know what to do when we stop falling."

“I think you need to talk to Adam about this.
Chances are he’s feeling the same way. It’s perfectly normal. You guys just need to work through this
together
.
Falling
in love and
staying
in love are two completely different things.”

"But for you and Shane, it was the falling you had a hard time with. The staying seems to be going great."
I couldn't help the pout in my voice.

"I told you not to compare. Shane and I do everything backward
s. You can't use us as your benchmark."

"But you're the only truly happy couple I know."
I spoke softly, knowing what my words meant, even though the veracity of them surprised me.

And as I watched Amanda's eyes widen, I knew she got their meaning too. "So you're not happy?"

I shrugged. "Sometimes I am. But sometimes I'm not."

Letting out
a deep breath, Amanda took my hand in hers. "Lil, there is a ton of shit I know nothing about. Like what the hell Shane sees in me, or how I’m gonna survive on pine nuts and Paleo brownies." We both chuckled at her words, letting go of some of the tension of the moment. "But what I do know is that happiness should never be a part-time thing."

My whole body sagged. I knew she was right, but I had no idea how to fix it. Adam made me happy. But there were times, more
often lately, that he made me unhappy too. It was like a puzzle with no solution.

"And, Lil," Amanda said, interrupting my internal wallowing. I brought my eyes to hers as she said, "Chances are, if you're not happy, he isn't either."

Burying my face in my hands, I willed our relationship to work. For everything to fall into place like it was supposed to.

That was when the tears came. And as they purged my system of the emotions I'd been carrying, I silently wished they could wash that thought from my mind too
.

Chapter 38: Adam

Lily had been acting . . . strangely. I’d barely talked to her since the wedding, our phone conversations clipped and strained. When I’d called her out on it, she’d said she was just tired. That she just needed a few days to recuperate from the wedding. But it had been three days, and I was done waiting for her to tell me what was really bothering her.

             
So that’s how I found myself at her apartment building Tuesday night, using the key she’d given me to let myself into her building. I walked up to her apartment, my legs feeling heavier with every step I took. It was like my entire body was trying to warn me that this wasn’t going to end well. But as I rapped my knuckles against her door, not wanting to overly invade her privacy by letting myself in, I knew there was no disappearing now.

             
“Who is it?” I heard her voice ask tentatively.

             
At least she’s home.
Though that thought was quickly replaced by my hoping that she was alone. And as my mind snowballed into her having a guy in her apartment, I silently scolded myself.
Get it together, Carter.

             
“It’s Adam,” I rasped. I heard the sounds of the chain dropping and the bolt clicking before the door flew open. I didn’t like the look on her face. She looked . . . unhappy to see me.

             
“Adam, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” She was hugging the door, but moved back enough that I could enter. Closing it softly behind me, she turned toward me expectantly.

             
I took a seat on her couch, and she joined me. “I’m not allowed to come see my girlfriend?” I felt the shy smile on my face, hoping that my joking would set a more positive pace for our conversation.

             
“No, I mean yes, no . . .” She sighed deeply and smiled. “Yes, you’re absolutely allowed to be here. You just usually call. I’m surprised to see you.”

             
“Is it a good surprise?” Despite my desire to keep the tone light, my words were tinged with a childlike curiosity. I needed to know the answer, and I needed it to be the truth.

             
“Of course,” she replied with a tight smile. “When it’s you, it’s always a good surprise.”

             
Her posture was rigid and her eyes dropped as the words had left her mouth.
She’s lying.
And with that, the feelings of betrayal started to wash in like the tide during a hurricane.
First she goes to Atlantic City with that asshole, then she becomes distant after the wedding, and now she’s fucking lying to me.
I couldn’t help the thoughts forming in my head, or the words that were about to be released from my mouth. I was pissed.

             
“Do you have many people knocking on your door who
aren’t
good surprises?” My voice was nearly a growl, so deep I almost didn’t recognize that it had been me who had spoken.

             
She looked at me apprehensively. “No, I don’t get many door knocks. None actually.”

             
I exhaled heavily and dropped my head to my hands, pulling my fingers through my hair. “What the hell's going on here, Lil? I feel like I’m going crazy.” I steeled my resolve and looked up at her. “You’re avoiding me. I’m here to find out why.”

             
She bit her lower lip, her hands fidgeting in her lap. “I don’t know what you mean. I’ve just been tired.”

             
“That’s two,” I boomed as I held up two fingers. “Two times you’ve lied to me since I walked in here. Now shoot straight with me.” I waited for a few seconds, but when she made no move to speak, I filled the silence. “Are you seeing someone else?”

             
She rolled her eyes and scoffed as though she were disgusted. “Of course, that’s what it always comes back to, huh? I need some space, and automatically it’s because I’m screwing someone else. That’s really perfect, Adam.” She stood up and began to pace around the living room.

             
I followed her movements with my eyes. “You never said anything about needing space. You haven't said much of anything. What am I supposed to think?”

             
“So this is how it’s going to be? I’m going to spend the rest of my life worrying that if I withdraw a little from you, you’re going to immediately assume I’m fucking around on the side? I can’t live that way, Adam. I shouldn’t have to analyze everything I do for how it’s going to affect you. Sometimes I need to do things because they’re right for
me
.”

             
“Ignoring your boyfriend is
right
for you?” I stood, her coffee table separating us. “Christ, you are still
so
selfish. You only ever think about what
you
want. Well here’s a newsflash: maybe you should spend a little time analyzing how things are going to affect me. If you’d done more of that last year, we wouldn’t be in the mess we’re in right now.”

             
She just stared at me for a minute, her face contorting as if she were truly seeing me for the first time. And that was just fine, because as far as I was concerned, this was my first time seeing her as well.

             
When she finally spoke, her voice was low and calm, a complete contradiction to the fire and brimstone in her eyes. “You said you weren’t going to do that anymore.”

             
“Do what?” I ground out.

             
“Throw the past in my face. But you can’t help it, can you? I wonder, is it the first thing that pops into your head whenever you think of me? Or just when I do something you don’t like?”

             
“What are you talking about?” My voice was laced with incredulity, as if I thought she were crazy. But she wasn’t. I knew exactly what she was asking, and she wasn’t wrong for asking it. I had to get over these insecurities. And while I knew I put up a good front for Lily, I knew that the reality was I was
far
from over them. It sometimes felt like I was
waiting
for her to hurt me again. I resented myself for it, but I had to admit, a part of me resented her for it too.

             
“The pain, the betrayal, the bullshit. Can you even look at me without seeing it?”

             
The only sound in the room was that of our labored breaths, fuming like dragons. My mouth was suddenly arid, and my brain sputtered. I couldn’t ask her for the truth and not give her the same courtesy. Still, I had to force the word from my body. “No.”

             
Her shoulders sagged as though they were about to cave into her chest. I saw the glistening in her eyes, and both cursed myself for putting the tears there and celebrated that I had wounded her like she’d wounded me.

             
“Then why the hell are you with me?” Despite the fallen look on her face, her voice was steel.

             
“Because I love you.” I stated the words simply because they were that simple for me. They were the reason I’d put my pride aside and given her a second chance.

             
“You really think that’s enough?”

             
I couldn't tell if she was genuinely asking me or implying that I was naive. "Yes." Was she really telling me that my love for her wasn’t enough? After everything, was she saying that
I
wasn’t good enough?
Where the hell does she get off?
“Listen,
you’re
the one who broke us. What we had was perfect and you ruined all of that.”

             
“How can you possibly call what we had perfect? You basically hid me for the duration of our relationship. And I understand that you have a built-in excuse, not wanting to make things difficult for Eva, but that’s what it was, Adam. An excuse.”

             
Her words stung my ears as I heard them, and I hoped they hurt her just as much leaving her mouth. It was no secret that our relationship was anything but perfect now. But for some reason, I took comfort in believing that the problems we now faced were a direct result of
her
previous actions. That belief made our current struggles easier to swallow because I had somewhere to place the blame. It was almost as if the idea that we
had
been perfect meant that we
could
be perfect again someday. It was that hope that had kept me going, kept me thinking that this was all worth fighting for. I had never even considered that maybe we were never that perfect to begin with. And the thought of what that could mean for our current relationship scared me.

She continued her verbal assault while I waited impatiently for the right time to strike.
“We never went out with your friends, my friends, hell I’ve still never met your parents. You never went all-in with me. You’re quick to accuse me of being the only one who isn’t invested in our relationship, but you’ve never given me all of you. It’s always just been the pieces you were comfortable with. And I settled for that. First, because I thought that it was temporary, and then because I felt that I deserved it. But you’re not the only one who deserves happiness. You’re not the only one who should be forgiven unconditionally. I should get those things too. And you should want to give them.”

I let her words sink in as I tried to formulate a coherent response that wasn't said completely in anger. “I admit, I’ve had a difficult time getting past what happened last year.
But beyond that issue, I’ve done nothing that I need your ‘unconditional forgiveness’ for. I’ve been all-in since January. I’ve done
everything
to try and make things right between us.” I wasn’t sure when I’d started raising my voice, but I willed myself to calm down. The last thing we needed was for the neighbors to call the cops.

             
“Really? You’ve done nothing that needs forgiving, huh?”

             
I shook my head, uncertain of what she planned to say.

             
A harsh smile crossed her face that looked more like a wince. “When’s my birthday, Adam?”

             
I racked my brain, trying to remember if we’d been together for it last year. I didn’t remember celebrating it. But, wait . . . hadn’t her parents come to town for it? Was it . . .
Fuck.

             
“March 23rd. My birthday is March 23rd.” She crossed her arms over her chest, and lowered her voice. “Don’t tell me that you’re all-in,” she shrugged, "because you're not.”

             
“But, shit, you never said anything.”

             
“So it’s my fault that you didn’t remember?” She let out a bewildered laugh. “It’s always someone else, isn’t it?” She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. When she finally reopened them, she continued calmly, “Look, I’m not ten. It’s not the end of the world that you forgot my birthday. It’s just . . . it’s a sign of just how little thought you really give me. I’m just part of the supporting cast in the movie of your life, Adam. You’re so busy trying to forgive me, you aren’t seeing me. We aren’t together in this.” She looked toward the floor. “We aren’t equal. And I can’t spend the rest of my life not being good enough. I love you. But I’m not sure that you love me.”

             
I crossed my arms, mirroring her posture. I had shifted from feeling guilty to being irate again in a nanosecond. “You don’t know if
I
love
you
?” I laughed, disgusted by the thought. “Shouldn’t it be the other way around? What would make me think for a second that I should trust anything
you
have to say?”

“Ah, so blame finds its way back to me again. This is exactly what I’m talking about.
You just can't let the past go.”

My anger had quadrupled, and I tried unsuccessfully to keep my voice down. “Blame finds its way back to you because it’s
your
fault, Lily. All of this bullshit we’re going through right now: you did it, not me. You act like I should just forgive and forget, sing kumbaya or some shit. Well, I’ve got news for you: it’s not that easy. You ruined what we had for some fling with a piece of shit hockey player.

Her jaw ticked, her eyes the coldest I’d ever seen them. “Max is a lot of things, but a piece of shit isn’t one of them.”

My blood boiled at the sound of his name. “That’s all you have to say? How can you possibly defend him at a time like this? Do you have any idea what that feels like?”

“He didn’t force himself on me, Adam.
How you feel about him, you should feel about me. And I think you do. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”

“You want me to forget what you’ve done just because you’re sorry? Because you say you’ve changed?
You hurt me, Lily. You hurt
us
. So don’t act like you’re not deserving of that pain.”