Pieces of My Heart (32 page)

‘It was nice having you there today.’

Sally had to help Simon out of his wetsuit because his hands were completely numb. I started the car and put the heat on full blast to help the men defrost while they were getting changed. I made sure not to look in Simon’s direction. Paul, meanwhile, whipped his suit off and got dressed. When Simon finally got his clothes back on, he shuffled into the back seat with Sally, who blew on his hands and rubbed them to try to get his circulation going.

Paul hopped into the front seat and we headed off to the nearest pub for food and drink.

‘Oh, thank you, God, I can feel my feet again,’ Simon said, wriggling his toes in front of the log-fire.

‘Here you go, this should help.’ Paul came over with drinks, toasted sandwiches and chips. We devoured the lot.

‘So, Simon, what are your intentions with young Sally here?’ Paul asked.

Sally choked on her drink.

‘Shag her and move on.’ Simon smirked.

‘Respect,’ Paul said, and they high-fived each other.

‘Stop, please, you’re hilarious,’ Sally said.

‘She’s not a bad catch, our Sally – easy on the eye, successful, owns her own place, no messy divorce, no snotty-nosed kids … not much baggage for an old bird.’

‘He’s the one with the baggage – a certifiable ex-wife who stalks me.’ Sally bit into a chip.

‘I had the pleasure of meeting Maura recently.’ I smiled at Simon.

‘I hope she didn’t give you a hard time. She’s just gone off the Richter scale since I met Sally. She can’t handle me moving on.’

‘And am I right in thinking she’s the one who went offside when you were married?’ Paul asked.

‘With her boss, total cliché.’

‘What is it with women? She cheats on you and then goes mental when you meet someone else. How does that logic work?’

‘I don’t think Simon’s the one to ask – he married the psycho,’ I said, as we laughed.

‘From one extreme to the other, right, babe?’ Sally said. ‘From a fruitcake to a completely sane, reasonable woman.’

‘Absolutely.’ Simon kissed her palm.

‘Will you two lay off?’ Paul remonstrated. ‘You’re putting me off my food.’

‘I put up with it for years from you two,’ Sally reminded him. ‘You used to be all over each other. It’s my turn now, so suck it up.’

36

Visiting day came around. During my phone calls with Ali over the last few days she had either cried and begged me to come and get her or was monosyllabic. She’d answer every question with yes or no. She was punishing me for leaving her there. I always called her from my bedroom, so I could lock myself into the bathroom and cry in peace afterwards.

Donna called me to say that Ali had asked her to bring in some schoolwork. Ali had said she needed the distraction of studying while she was in the clinic. It would help keep her sane.

I was delighted to hear that and told Donna I’d check with clinic staff and get straight back to her. When I asked Denise and Mary they said that all the girls tried to keep up with schoolwork as much as possible. It was good for them and stopped them obsessing about food – even if only briefly.

I called the school and spoke to the headmistress, Mrs Wilkins, who said she’d ask all the teachers to give Donna the necessary notes and assignments to bring in to Ali.

I called Donna back to fill her in. ‘How did Ali sound when you spoke to her?’ I asked.

‘Uhm, well, you know, OK, I guess.’

‘It’s all right, Donna, you can tell me the truth. It’s important that we don’t have any more secrets. We all want Ali to get better, so please be honest.’

‘She cried a lot and she sounded kind of angry.’

‘Did she talk about food? Did she say she was eating?’

‘She said she’s trying really hard but that they’re feeding her massive portions. But, Ava, when I asked her what she had for lunch it was only a small bit of cheese, two crackers and a milkshake. It didn’t sound like a lot. I guess it’ll take a while for her to eat normally.’

‘Unfortunately it’s going to be a slow process. We’re just going to have to be patient and encourage her. I really appreciate you bringing her in her work, Donna. It’s very sweet of you. You’re a good friend.’

‘It’s no big deal. I miss Ali. I was kind of relieved when I found out she had anorexia because I couldn’t understand why she was being so weird all of a sudden. She changed so quickly and it was scary. She’s my best friend and I really miss her.’

‘Hopefully she’ll be back to herself soon. Look, I’m going to visit her tomorrow. If you like I can pick you up and you can bring over the assignments.’

‘That’d be great.’

‘OK, I’ll meet you after school,’ I said, relieved that Donna was coming with me.

Initially we’d all planned to visit Ali, but Mary had suggested that I go on my own for the first visit, then build it up. She said Ali would probably still be angry and resentful and she wanted to make sure that the visit was as calm as possible. She thought Donna coming was a good idea as the girls were always pleased to see their friends: it reminded them of ‘normal life’ and often helped spur them on in their recovery. I knew Ali would be pleased to see Donna. She was not the ‘enemy’. I was.

When we arrived at the clinic, Denise told us that Ali was in a session with Mary Boland and would be another fifteen minutes. We went and sat in Ali’s room to wait. I saw Emily hopping down the corridor and prayed she wouldn’t see us. She worried me. I didn’t want Ali to befriend her – she was too messed up. I wanted Ali to become friendly with some girl who’d put on two stone and was about to go home. I was terrified Emily would be a bad influence on her.

‘Why does that girl keep jumping up and down?’ Donna asked, as we watched Emily hop every few seconds from one foot to the other.

‘She’s got OCD.’

‘That would wreck my head. It must be exhausting.’

Emily saw me through the door. Shit.

‘Hi, Ava, are you here to see Alison?’

‘Yes – hi, Emily. This is Donna, Ali’s best friend.’

‘Oh, yeah, she mentioned you. How’s it going?’ Emily smiled at Donna.

‘Good, thanks. How are you?’ Donna asked politely.

‘Not great.’ She pointed to the fresh bandages around both arms.

‘What happened?’ Donna asked.

‘I was having a bad week and a friend brought me in flowers that were tied with wire so I cut myself open.’

‘Oh, my God, it must have been agony.’ Donna was appalled.

Emily shrugged. ‘I’m kind of used to it.’

‘How has Ali been?’ I asked, wanting to get off the subject of self-harm.

‘Not so good. She’s been lurching between anger and tears, but I think she’s beginning to get used to it.’

‘How long have you been in here?’ Donna asked.

‘This is my third time. I’m not very good at coping on the outside.’

‘Sorry to hear that,’ Donna said.

‘Why do you think you find it so difficult?’ I asked.

‘Well, when you’re in here, all the food is weighed and measured and served to you. You know exactly what you’re eating, how much and when. But when you leave you could find yourself in a restaurant panicking because you don’t know what the portion sizes are or if the food was cooked in butter or oil or if when you ask for a coffee with skimmed milk you’re actually getting skimmed milk. It totally freaks you out. Even when you’re eating at home it takes ages to weigh and measure everything and you have to make sure you have a snack with you at all times to keep your calorie intake up. Sometimes you just don’t feel like eating but once you skip a meal or snack it’s a slippery slope.’

‘Would it help if someone did all the weighing and measuring at home for you?’ I asked, trying to work out how best to help Ali when she came back to us.

Emily shook her head. ‘Not really, because you don’t trust anyone. You need to do it yourself so you know that it’s exactly the right amount and no extra has been added.’

‘Is the cutting related to the anorexia too?’ Donna pointed to Emily’s bandages.

‘No. My father was a drunk who abused all of us. Not physically but emotionally. You know the kind of stuff – “You’re useless, you’ll never amount to anything. You’re ugly and stupid …” My two brothers went to America as soon as they left school and shortly after that my dad left us and went off with another woman, so it’s just Mum and me at home now.’

‘God, Emily, that’s terrible,’ I said, warming to the poor girl. ‘If it’s any consolation I think you’re beautiful, clever and very brave.’

She blushed and hopped. ‘Thanks. I’m not, though. But Ali is. She’s really gorgeous.’

‘And the seriously cool thing about Ali is that she doesn’t know it,’ Donna said.

‘She’s so modest,’ Emily agreed. ‘I’m glad she’s in here – she’s great to talk to. She’s a really good listener.’

‘She so is. I used to tell her all my problems,’ Donna said, and then got embarrassed. ‘I mean, not like I have any compared to you.’

Emily hopped up and down. ‘When she heard about my screwed-up family, she said she felt lucky to have such a normal one.’

‘That’s nice to hear.’ I smiled.

‘Here she comes.’ Emily hopped over to say hi to Ali, who was wheeled into the room by a nurse who helped her out of the wheelchair and up onto the bed.

‘I’ll leave you guys to it. Catch you later, Alison,’ Emily said, hopping off.

‘Hello, pet.’ I went over to hug Ali.

She gave me a frosty reception. ‘Hi, Donna.’ She looked at her friend, who came and sat on the edge of the bed.

‘Hey, Ali, how’s it going? I’ve brought you loads of stuff. You’re not going to believe how much work they’re piling on now that the mock exams are coming up.’

The two girls talked about school and study, and Donna showed Ali the assignments she needed to hand in by the end of the week.

‘Emily seems nice but, God, what a messed-up life she has,’ Donna commented. ‘You must feel really normal compared to her.’

‘What’s normal about being forced to lie down in bed all day and have people bringing in trays of food every five minutes and staring at you while you eat?’

‘It doesn’t sound too bad,’ Donna said. ‘I’d love to be waited on hand and foot in bed. Do you think I could book in for a week? I could do with the rest.’

Ali managed a weak smile.

Denise came in and I introduced her to Donna. She told us that Ali had put on two pounds so far. It was good progress, but she needed to eat more of her meals if she was to reach six stone six and come off bed-rest.

‘Well done,’ I said, trying to encourage Ali.

‘That’s brilliant,’ Donna enthused.

‘Well, I’ll leave you to it,’ said Denise. ‘Ava, don’t forget your family session this Saturday morning with Mary Boland.’

‘I won’t, thanks, Denise.’

‘I’ll leave you guys to catch up.’ Donna got up and put her bag on her shoulder. ‘I’ll wait for you in Reception, Ava. See you, Ali, hang in there.’ She hugged her friend and left us alone.

Silence.

‘Everyone says hi. They’re all dying to see you at the next visit.’

‘Yippee! I can’t wait.’

‘Sarah’s practising day and night for the big play.’

Ali rolled over and started to flick through her science book.

‘Ali, can’t you try to talk to me?’ I pleaded. ‘We all just want you to get better and come home. I know this is hard for you, pet, but please don’t shut me out.’

‘You’re the one who shut me out. Putting me in this prison.’

‘I had to do it to make you better.’

‘You just wanted to get rid of me.’

‘You know that’s not true.’

‘Do I?’

‘Jesus, Ali, I’m doing the best I can,’ I said, choking back tears.

She turned to look at me and started to cry. ‘Please don’t leave me here. Please, Mum. Don’t make me stay. I’m begging you, take me home.’

‘Ali,’ I said, hugging her, ‘I love you and I would walk through fire for you, but the only person who can make you better now is you. The only person who can eat for you is you. The only person who can deal with your anger is you. If I could eat for you I would. I’m sorry, pet, but you have to help yourself. It’s breaking my heart to see you in here, but it’s the best place for you right now. You need help – and, to be honest, so do I. We all need to understand why this has happened and how to prevent it ever happening again. All I want is for you to be happy. I miss you.’ I kissed her forehead and hurried out before I completely broke down.

When I got home, Sarah and Bobby were arguing in the kitchen. It sounded very heated. I crept into the lounge, sat down and listened.

‘Seriously, Bobby, it’s not that long till the big performance and you really need to work on your lines.’

‘I did work on them but you keep changing them.’

‘That’s because you keep going on about rugby and it’s just not Shakespeare. It’s OK when you say, “Juliet, I love you more than my personally signed Brian O’Driscoll Grand Slam jersey,” but you can’t say, “Don’t worry, Juliet, I’m not scared of your old man. I can run as fast as Luke Fitzgerald who’s nearly as fast as Shane Williams.” ’

‘Why not? It makes total sense – they’ve got some of the fastest legs in rugby.’

‘That’s the whole point. I just don’t think the Montagues and Capulets played rugby back then in, like, ancient times. So you have to tone it down.’

I smiled to myself. Sarah was the most unwittingly funny person I’d ever met. If she ever became more self-aware, she’d make a good comedienne.

‘Mr Goggin said it was OK to put in a few rugby references,’ Bobby said. ‘He said as long as it doesn’t change the storyline he’s fine with it. I’ve only dropped three in.’

‘It’s two too many.’

‘This Romeo guy’s a fag.’

‘Romeo’s not
gay
! He’s in love with Juliet who, in case you missed it, is a
girl
!’

‘Well, he’s a geek, then.’

‘The only geek here is you.’

‘Why are you taking it so seriously? It’s just a school play.’

‘Because it’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane at the moment while my family is falling apart. And I think I have real talent as an actress and I want to prove it. I’m not intelligent like Ali so I want to make Mum and Dad proud of me this way.’