Pieces of My Heart (46 page)

‘Jesus Christ, I thought she was better,’ Paul cursed.

‘So did I!’

‘So, like, what is actually for dessert?’ Sarah asked.

Charlie went up to talk to Ali. I dumped the plates in the sink and ran upstairs to my bedroom. I needed to be alone.

As I was passing Ali’s door, I heard Charlie soothing her. ‘There, there now, don’t be getting yourself into a state. It’s all right, love.’

‘It’s not all right, I’m a failure.’

‘You are not. You’re the most wonderful girl in the world. You just have a problem that you’re working out. These things don’t right themselves overnight. Coming home was a big deal. You hadn’t been here in weeks, the longest you’ve ever been away. It’s emotional and, to be honest, it was a bit tense down there. Sure I could feel it myself. It was all a bit too much for you.’

‘I wanted to eat it all up. I wanted to show you how I’m better now, to make you proud of me. I’m such a loser, Charlie. I just want to be well again,’ she sobbed.

‘Now, listen to me, you are getting better and stronger by the day. Problems with food, drink, drugs and depression – all these things take time to sort out. Some people don’t have the strength to get better but you do. Your step-grandmother Catherine was an alcoholic for twenty years and I tried everything to get her well but it didn’t work. The reason she didn’t was because she never really wanted to. She preferred drink to life. You on the other hand are fighting to get better with every ounce of energy you have. You want to get well and that, my darling girl, is what’s going to get you through. You’ve done brilliantly. I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll beat this. You’re a wonderful person, Ali. You have your whole life ahead of you and I know you’re going to achieve great things. When you were born and I held you for the first time, do you know what I said to your mother?’

‘No.’

‘I said, “This girl is going to be really special.” And you are.’

It was true – he had said that. Charlie had always thought there was something special about Ali. I leant my head against the wall and cried silent tears for that baby who had grown up and was now struggling to survive.

‘I just want my life back. I want to be normal again. I want to be happy.’

‘You will be. Sure weren’t you happy this afternoon? When you bounced out of the car and came over to hug us, it was the old Ali back again.’

‘I don’t want to go back to the clinic, Charlie. I want to come home and go to school and college next year.’

‘And you will. But you’ll have to stay in the clinic for a bit longer. It’s making you better, Ali. And when you’re a little bit stronger, you’ll come home to us again for good. Now what you need to do is focus on the future and not the past. What would you like to do next year in college?’

‘Actually, I want to study psychology so I can help girls like me.’

‘That’s the best idea I’ve ever heard. When you’re feeling a bit down, focus on that. Say to yourself, “I’m going to eat and get better so that I can help girls like me.” I promise you, if you focus on that, you’ll be well in no time – and think of all the girls you’ll save.’

‘So you really think I can do it?’

‘I believe you can do anything you want. You’re a really special girl. Don’t forget that. Now, I brought a yogurt up with me. I’ll leave it here on your desk and if you feel like eating it you can, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.’

I hurried out of sight as Charlie came out of the bedroom. I was too upset to talk to anyone. I felt as if we were back at the beginning when Ali was at her worst. I went into my bedroom, put my pillow over my face and screamed.

Paul drove Ali back to the clinic.

I sat up all evening sobbing. Charlie came in to talk to me, but I was too distraught to listen. I had genuinely believed my beautiful daughter was better. I had stupidly allowed myself to get excited. How wrong I was. It had been a disaster. Was it my fault? Had I frightened her by buying all that food? Did I cook the wrong thing? Say the wrong thing? Do the wrong thing? It was torture.

Paul was as upset as I was, but his feelings translated into anger. He ranted and raged about paying a fortune to the clinic when clearly it wasn’t working and why were they telling us how well she was doing when she was obviously still a basket case? He shouted that it was ruining our family, that he couldn’t concentrate on work, that he couldn’t stand to see the strain it was putting on me. Then, worst of all, he began to cry. It’s heartbreaking to see your husband racked with grief. He sat beside me on the bed and we both cried for our daughter, our first-born, our baby. Where had she gone? Was she ever coming back?

Eventually, Paul said he had to go to work to check on the pub, he needed the distraction. I nodded, incapable of saying anything reassuring to him. Five minutes after he left, the phone rang. It was Denise.

‘Hi, Ava, I heard it didn’t go so well,’ she said gently.

I couldn’t speak, just cried down the phone.

‘I know it won’t seem like much consolation now,’ she said, ‘but this always happens. With anorexia there is always a relapse of some kind. But the important thing to remember is that Ali is getting better.’

‘NO, SHE ISN’T!’ I shouted. ‘She couldn’t even eat a tiny amount of chicken. How can she be better?’

‘I’ve spoken to her,’ said a very calm Denise. ‘She is absolutely gutted. She feels she’s let you all down. The pressure of coming home and eating in front of everyone just got to her and she panicked.’

‘We’re her family, for God’s sake. We’re not a bunch of strangers. Why the hell can’t she eat in front of us? All we want is the best for her.’

‘I understand your frustration, but everything new that relates to food is terrifying for Alison. It was her first family meal in a month and she just froze. She wanted so much to eat everything on her plate and make you proud, but she was overwhelmed. The good news is that she ate the yogurt her grandfather gave her and she asked me for a high-calorie snack bar. It was a really difficult thing for her to do. She overcame a huge hurdle today. She didn’t let the disappointment of the day take over, she fought back and ate. She is still determined not to lose weight. This is really fantastic news.’

‘You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t get out my pom-poms. A snack bar? Is that really so bloody great?’

‘Yes, Ava, it is. Alison could have fallen apart and withdrawn after failing to eat with you. But instead she has chosen to carry on eating and putting on weight. It’s a huge deal that she asked for food when she came in from such a disappointment. You should be very proud of her for bouncing back so quickly.’

‘Denise, do you have any idea what it’s like as a mother to watch your anorexic daughter have a total melt-down over a tiny piece of chicken? I was so excited about today. I really thought the old Ali was back. I don’t know how much more I can take. Paul’s in a state too. It’s killing us.’

‘I know this must be extremely difficult for you but please listen to me when I tell you that I’ve seen hundreds of girls coming through this clinic and Alison is one of the strongest and most determined to get better. You must have faith in her. You mustn’t give up hope. She needs your support and encouragement, now more than ever. This is a crucial time in her recovery. If she overcomes this setback, then I really think she’ll thrive.’

I sighed. I felt old, tired, strung out, depleted and depressed. ‘I’ll try to be as supportive as I can.’

‘That’s all she needs. Now, why don’t you pour yourself a glass of wine and try to get some rest? You sound exhausted,’ she kindly suggested.

‘Thanks, I’ll do that. I’m sorry for snapping at you. I really appreciate the call and all your help. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,’ I said, and hung up.

I couldn’t stop replaying the day in my head so I decided to try to write my letter to anorexia. Maybe it would help me get rid of some of my anger. The words flew onto the page:

Dear Anorexia,

I hate you. You have come into our home like a violent criminal and brutally stolen our daughter, our happiness and our sanity. Before you appeared, we were a happy family, a family that laughed a lot and loved each other.

But then you came and ripped us apart. You took our beautiful Ali away and left a scared, sick, unhappy girl behind. You sucked all the joy out of her life and filled her with negative thoughts.

Our angel is now in a clinic because of you, but she’s going to get better. You will not win this war. You’re messing with the wrong family. I will use every ounce of strength in my body to crush you. You will not ruin my daughter’s life. I will not let you hurt Alison any more. I will hunt you down and banish you from her life.

A mother’s role is to protect her children and that’s what I intend to do. I know that the mistakes I made have allowed you to come into our lives, but I will not let you control us any more. You will leave Alison alone. She’s going to lead a full, happy and beautiful life and you will burn in hell.

So farewell, evil voice, you will be replaced with my voice, telling Alison every day that she is wonderful, gorgeous, clever, kind, caring, special … I will tell her how
proud
we are of her. I will tell her how on the day she was born I knew that my life was going to be enriched beyond my wildest dreams. She was the most perfect baby I’d ever seen and every day of her life has been a joy. I love her more now than ever and I will not let you hurt her any more.

Go to hell where you belong.

Ava

I folded the letter and put it in my pocket. I lit the fire and sank back into the couch, sipping wine until Paul came home. He snuggled up beside me, sharing my drink, while I told him about my phone call with Denise and how she had said we were not to feel depleted, that Ali was still on the road to recovery.

‘Well, that’s good to hear – although hard to believe after today’s fiasco,’ he said. ‘So I guess we just keep telling her we love her and we think she’s wonderful and hope for the best. That’s our job, right? To support our kids and, no matter when they fall, to catch them.’

‘You’re very philosophical all of a sudden,’ I said.

‘I was talking to one of the guys in the pub. His son was in a car crash and suffered from depression afterwards. He didn’t speak or get out of bed for a year. John just said he sat beside his son every evening, told him he loved him and read him books. Eventually one day the boy got out of bed and got on with his life. So I suppose what I’ve realized is I have to be more patient. I want this to be over now, I want Ali to be better yesterday, but I can see after today that there’s no quick fix. So I’ve decided to try to stay calm and let her get well at her own pace. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to understand what you’ve been telling me for months.’

‘Wow, I’m impressed,’ I said, smiling at my husband. ‘I like this new Zen approach. I need to take some of my own advice. I’ve been sitting here furious with Ali when really I should be feeling sorry for her. The day started so well – it’s just so disappointing.’

‘Tell me about it! Look,’ Paul said, showing me his hand. His knuckles were all bloodied.

‘Oh, my God – what happened?’

‘After dropping her back, I was so frustrated that I punched the wall outside the clinic. Intelligent move! It’s killing me.’

‘Here, let me get some ice for it. God, Paul, we’re turning into lunatics. We’ll all end up in the clinic soon.’

51

As I got up to get the ice, the front door flew open and Sarah and Bobby came rushing in.

‘Oh, my God! You are so not going to believe what we’ve just found out,’ Sarah said, tripping over her words.

‘You’ve used up all the false tan in Ireland.’ Paul found himself very amusing.

‘Hilarious,’ Sarah drawled.

I looked at my watch. It was one o’clock in the morning. ‘I thought you were supposed to be at Tia’s sleepover.’

‘Yeah, well, we ended up going to Sapphire –’

‘Sapphire?’ Paul exclaimed.

‘Yes, Dad, it’s a nightclub – you know, where young people go to have fun.’

‘That nightclub is not a place for young girls.’

‘Like you’d know.’

‘One of my barmen used to work there. He said it’s full of people off their heads on cocaine. If I ever find out you’ve gone there again, you’ll be grounded until you’re thirty.’

‘Hello! We’re not living in Afghanistan! You can’t lock me up for having a good time. What are you? The freaking Taliban? I have rights, you know.’

‘Don’t be rude to your dad, not tonight,’ I warned her.

‘Oh, why? Because we’re all upset about Ali for a change? So we’re back to bloody square one again. Can’t eat. Voices in her head. Won’t eat. Too much food. Gagging on food. Hiding food. Spitting food out. Why can’t she just be normal? I’m sick of it.’

‘We’re all fed up,’ I said, feeling sorry for her. She’d had to put up with a lot lately. ‘But Denise thinks Ali will really get better now.’

‘How did she figure that out? Was the clue when Ali couldn’t even eat a sprig of dry broccoli without throwing up? We all know I’m not the smart one in the family, but it looked to me like she was a total basket case.’

‘Sarah, I know this is hard for you too, but you need to calm down and be nice about your sister. Why are you so wound up?’

‘Because, Mum, if you ever listened to me, you’d have heard me say that Bobby and me found out something unbelievable tonight.’

‘We were like professional detectives,’ Bobby added.

‘What in God’s name are you talking about?’ Paul asked.

Sarah told us to brace ourselves and began to explain. ‘So I went to Tia’s sleepover, which was really a free house and an excuse to go to Sapphire, which is actually not all that cool so I won’t be going back anyway, before you have a freak attack. Anyway, Bobby and I were there and most of the people we were with were, like, so drunk they were falling around, bumping into the walls and throwing up in the loos. The bouncers were getting really pissed off, so we pretended we didn’t know them and left before we all got thrown out.’