Pierced Love (22 page)

Mom moves to the top of the bed and pulls me into her arms. We cry together for a few moments.

“Zar, what happened to Nana was not your fault. Nothing is your fault. It could have happened even if we were sitting in the living room watching television. You know your Nana was not one to let others wait on her. She would have gotten up and gone downstairs regardless if you were sitting next to her. Please do not hold the burden of what happened to her in your heart.”

She pulls away from me and takes my face in her hands. Looking me in the eyes she tells me again that it wasn’t my fault.

I want to feel like the weight is lifted from that portion of my soul, but there is still so much more for them to know about that night.

I pull my mom’s hands down from my face and into her lap. She doesn’t back up on the bed, rather she stays put holding onto my hands for dear life.

“That night at the game I felt it happen. I know it sounds strange and totally out of this world. I was in a mount about to twist out of a liberty and saw you and dad running down the bleachers. A bolt of electricity rushed through my body. It was as if I could sense the pain she was feeling as she fell. For a split second I lost the sensation of my legs. As I was coming down from the fall I felt like no one was going to catch me. I was in another world and then all of a sudden I felt the arms of the girls catching me.”

I look between my parents to see their reaction. Both of them are so focused on the words that are coming out of my mouth that I’m not sure if they comprehend everything that I’m saying.

“I watched the two of you walk away from the bleachers, but I had no idea what was going on. I mean, I felt something was wrong from the moment I spoke with Nana, the entire way to the game and even while I was on the track cheering. I guess it all didn’t make much sense until you called me later that night. After the game, I went to Brittani’s house like planned. I was a complete mess the entire time. Honestly, I don’t know why I even went. Looking back now I wish I hadn’t.”

I start to fumble with the ends of the blanket. What I’m about to tell them next is the whole reason I’ve dealt with the pain and hurt alone for so long.

I don’t know why, but I look to Loudon. I need him to reassure me that I’m going to be okay.

“Doll, you know you can tell us anything. We are here for you and I can promise you that I’m not going anywhere. Tell us what’s hurting you so we can help.”

I look into Loudon’s eyes and a small smile creeps across his face. I let go of my mom’s hand with one of mine and grab onto Loudon’s.

“Thank you,” I tell him.

“When you called my phone I walked out on the porch. I needed a break from all the screaming and craziness of the sleepover anyway. Hearing your words was nothing I ever expected or ever want to hear again.”

A tear drops from my eye and rolls down my cheek.

I try to take in a deep breath, but I can feel the pressure start to build in my chest.

I’m so scared.

I can feel the darkness pulling for me and the blood draining from my face.

Looking up at my mom, I can see that same fear in her eyes I saw that day in the kitchen.

“Zar, take a deep breath,” she says.

I shake my head…I can’t.

“Zar, look at me,” Loudon says.

I can’t, it’s as though my body is frozen.

I feel him pull my face to look at him.

His eyes, they are the most brilliant green. He starts to rub my back with one hand and the other hand is wrapped around mine. He’s tracing circles along my palm.

“Come on doll, take a deep breath and focus on us,” he says in the most soothing voice.

My body starts to relax and my heart begins beating at a slower pace. I have no idea how or why he has such a calming effect on me, but I am so glad he does.

Finally, I am able to take in a full breath and see clearly again. I need to keep going.  

“After we disconnected the call I sat down on the front porch. I must have been out there a lot longer than I thought, because the entire cheering squad and middle school football team greeted me on the front lawn. I tried to calm myself down from the news you had just shared with me, but I was so overwhelmed.”

I shake my head at the memories of what happened next.

“I was hysterically crying and the more I thought about Nana the more upset I became. No one there understood me or the relationship I shared with Nana. They didn’t know the real me or what I was feeling. Everyone from school just knew me as Zar Evans, little sister to Zeke Evans, the all star god of Parkland High School. People kept coming up to me and saying stuff, but nothing would register. I was trapped in a bubble of emotion. I started to feel a bit off and I tried my best to stay focused and calm. A few people came up on the porch asking what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t talk. I was frozen…in a trance.”

I attempt to take in a deep breath as Loudon rubs the palm of my hand for support.

“That night I was swept into the darkness” I whisper.

I pull my hands from mom and Loudon. I can tell that they’re sweaty so I rub them against the blanket.

Feeling embarrassed, I look between the two of them.

“Sorry about that,” I say.

“Zar don’t be silly. Do you feel like continuing or would rather take a break? You’ve shared a lot with us already and I want to make sure you’re up for more,” mom says, trying to soothe me with her tone and by rubbing my leg.

“Nah, I’m okay, thanks. I want to tell you guys everything. I need to get it all out now. I’ve started…I need to finish.”

“Okay kiddo, whenever you’re read, “dad says, encouraging me to go on.

I nod in his direction and take in a long, deep breath. To some, this breathing exercise may seem redundant, but to me it feels so good to be able to fill my lungs and let it all out.

“I wasn’t exactly sure what was happening to me at the time. I mean I’ve never felt like that before. The more people that came over to me the worse it got. My hands started to cramp. I felt a tight pressure in my chest and a lump forming in my throat. It was if someone was sitting on my chest trying to suffocate me. When I tried to take in deep breath, I couldn’t.

“I started to get scared. The more anxious I became, the more people started to come over and stare. Before I knew it, I was shaking so much, my muscles tense, I could barely move, my airways felt constricted and I was gasping for air. I could hear mumbled voices, laughs and I could see the people I thought were my friends stepping away from me. Instead of trying to help, they walked away.

“Eventually, Brittani came over to me to see what was wrong and I lost it. It was as if I was having an out of body experience. I stood to get away from her. I was screaming, shouting and pushing people to back away from me. It felt like my arms and legs and even my hands were going numb, I clenched my hands a few times and ran them down the sides of my pants, but couldn't get the numbness to go away.

“The pressure in my chest would not ease and I was beginning to perspire. I felt so crowded with the people surrounding me, I felt claustrophobic. Everyone started to circle around me and all I could see was that they were laughing and pointing at me. Brittani ran over to me and shouted for me to stop freaking out, she shouted that I was a freak and out of control.

“I had no idea what a spectacle I was making of myself, all I knew was that I was an emotional mess and need to get away. The moment only lasted a few minutes longer because after a few seconds of hyperventilating my vision started to blur and I guess I passed out.”

I hear my mom gasp and see her hand fly up to her face. She’s shaking her head and mumbling something into her hand. Dad pulls her back next to him on the bed and wraps his arm around her for comfort.

I look up at him and he nods for me to continue.

“I don’t know how long I was out; it couldn’t have been long, because when I woke up I was lying on the front porch next to a rocking chair. I searched for my phone to see what time it was and realized that you would be there to pick me up in a few minutes. I tried to pull myself together, stand up on two feet and made my way down the driveway to the sidewalk. I didn’t even go back into the house. I was too scared and ashamed to see the girls or anyone else that saw what happened. It hurt to think that the people I’d grown up with had abandoned me in my time of need.”

I look at my mom who is still cradled in my dad’s arms. I hate this. It’s killing me that sharing this with them is hurting her so much. I see that she is sobbing into my dad’s side. He’s doing his best to comfort her, but I know this has to be hard to hear for him as well.

“Mom,” I say hoping she’ll look up at me.

She lifts her head from my dad’s body and I can see that tears are streaming down her cheeks.

“Please, mom, don’t cry,” I tell her.

She stands and moves to the side table next to the bed. Grabbing the box of tissues she comes back over to the bed and takes a seat.

“Zar, I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I can’t believe that this is a part of your life that I never knew about. I could have done something for you; I should have helped you, if only you’d have told us about it.”

“Don’t mom; it was my choice to keep this all a secret. I need you to keep the blame off of yourself so that we can work through this together.”

She nods her head and I feel that I should continue before my emotions take over and I lose it all together.

“When you came to get me, the car ride was so quiet. I just wanted peace to put my thoughts together. Not only was I dealing with the death of my Nana, but my spirit itself had died that night, too. I wanted to understand the emotions that were coursing through me; it was just too much, I was overwhelmed. As soon as we got home, I went right to my room and started a journal. I’ve kept it going almost every day since. It’s been the one safe place that I felt was okay to speak freely and for me to let out my pain.”

“Has anyone ever seen this journal, Zar?” Mom asks.

I shake my head. “Oh no, no one has ever seen it. It’s hidden pretty well in a spot that only I know about.”

“Oh, I see,” she responds.

I’m not too sure where she is going with this, but my diary is for me and only me. I will not allow anyone else to see those thoughts I have in print. It’s too personal and I’m not willing to expose myself like that to anyone. It’s hard enough to get this all out without breaking apart. I have to keep going before I stop myself completely.

“The next few days I kept to myself. I couldn’t nor did I want to be a part of the funeral arrangements. I didn’t even want to walk near her room. I felt like I was weak and had let her and you guys down. The day of her funeral I wanted to feel at peace knowing she was in a better place. I looked around at our family, friends and the people that she knew from her social circles. We were all dressed in black. The dark colors were comforting to me and provided me with a sense of relief. It was almost as if the black…the darkness was a place for me to feel safe from the pain.”

I shake my head and look up at my mom. She returns the glance and looks at me with questionable eyes. It’s as though I can tell that the light bulb just went off in her head. It’s all starting to make sense, well at least some of it.

“I never put the two together. The sudden changes in your appearance, the way you withdrew yourself and the reason you quit all your afternoon school activities. Zar, I’m so sorry I was so blind. Will you ever forgive me?”

She stands from the bed and comes close enough to pull me into a hug.

“Mom, there is nothing to forgive. I should have felt comfortable enough with you and dad to come to you guys, to be more open. I was just so lost, I didn’t know who, what or where to turn. I thought by pulling back from everything it would get better, but it didn’t. It only got worse.”

“Loudon, do you mind if I…”

He cuts her off before she can finish her thought.

“Of course,” he says getting up from the bed and pulling a chair over next to me.

I watch him as he gets comfy in the most uncomfortable looking chair. He catches me looking at him and smiles. That dimple pops out and those eyes shine back at me. I try to keep my emotions at bay, but when he’s this close to me, I can’t help but smile back at him.