Pigeon English (11 page)

The best thing is the climbing frame but you never get to go on it because it belongs to the Dell Farm Crew. They’re always on it. They don’t even play, they just sit there smoking fags and hooting the people when they go by. If you go on it after them it just smells of fags and there’s too much broken glass everywhere. I just don’t bother anymore. I’ll only go on it when they invite me but if they offer me a fag I’ll just say no thanks, I’m trying to give up, doctor’s orders (it’s the best way to get out of anything).

There’s a sign next to the playground:

It doesn’t even tell you what the question is. You just have to say no to whatever they ask you.

Me: ‘What if they ask where’s the hospital? What if they need your help?’

Jordan: ‘Don’t be gay. They never need your help. They just want to take you away in a van and shag you up the arse, innit.’

It felt very crazy. Nobody asked to sex me before. Most people just want your help. If I see a stranger I’ll ask him first what he’s looking for. If he gives a good answer then it’s safe. He won’t even try to sex me. Jordan is just dey touch.

Jordan: ‘Come on, man, keep looking.’

So far I’d only found one beer bottle. Jordan had three. I wasn’t really looking hard. Really I was looking for the murder weapon. If it’s not by the river it could be here. There’s always drug needles around the playground. They don’t even try to bury them, they’re just on the top. There could be a knife as well. It all depends how smart the killer is. If he’s smart, he sent the murder weapon out to sea or buried it deep down underground. If he was high or in his bottle he could have just dropped it anywhere.

There’s a hole in the playground where the twister used to be. Jordan set fire to it. It was ages ago, before I came here. The ground where it used to be is all black and burned like a lightning hit it. Jordan’s always telling you the bad things he’s done:

The biggest bad things Jordan has done

Set fire to the twister.

Drunk a whole bottle of vodka (it’s like kill-me-quick).

Let down the tyres on the police car.

Put fireworks in the wheelie bin.

Kicked the teacher.

Threw a cat down the rubbish pipe.

T’iefed a Lucky Bag from the supermarket.

Chooked some people.

Called a grown-up a c—.

Smashed the beer bottles.

Jordan’s hand around my neck was making me cough. I looked up in the sky for my pigeon to come shit on his head but no luck, they were all just flying past but not stopping. I only gave in to stop myself from coughing to death.

Jordan: ‘You’ve gotta do it, man. I’m always doing everything. If you don’t do it you’re just a pussy.’

Me: ‘I’m doing it, I’m doing it!’

I just wanted to go home but I had to wait for Lydia to come back from Dance Club. I should get a key. I don’t care if Lydia’s Year 9, it’s not fair that she gets a key and I don’t. I’m still the man of the house.

Jordan: ‘I’ll go first. Don’t close your eyes, you’ve gotta watch every one. We’re gonna smash the f— out of ’em.’

We had to smash them all. We couldn’t even stop if a grown-up came, we had to keep throwing them until they were all smashed. It was the only way to get all the points. Jordan went first. I was waiting until last. If you only do the last one it isn’t even a crime.

Jordan loves smashing the bottles, you could tell. His eyes go all big and shiny. He threw the first bottle up high. When it landed it made a mighty smash into a million pieces. You were scared but you loved it at the same time. He threw another one and another one. They all smashed all over the path. You wanted to run but you couldn’t even move. He even threw one from behind his back. That was the best time. Then it was my turn.

Jordan: ‘Throw it high so it smashes better.’

Me: ‘Do we have to pick up the broken bits?’

Jordan: ‘Don’t be gay, the council does it, that’s their job. Just smash the f—er, man.’

I copied Jordan’s style. I threw my bottle from over my head so it landed behind my back. It smashed all over the pavement. It was brutal. It made me feel crazy. Nobody even stopped us, they were all too scared to tell.

Me: ‘How many points is that?’

Jordan: ‘I’ll give you ten.’

Me: ‘How! That’s not fair, you said a hundred!’

Jordan: ‘Shut up man, you closed your eyes, you only get ten. You shouldn’t be such a pussy.’

I told you, Jordan is a confusionist. You only can’t rough him or he’ll strangle you even more. I wanted to run when I saw Lydia coming down the path. It felt like she saved the day. She was still wearing her parrot costume. She just loves it, she doesn’t even care who knows.

Jordan: ‘Your sister’s a numptie, man. She thinks she’s a chicken.’

Me: ‘It’s not a chicken, it’s a parrot.’

I only gave her a dirty blow on the arm for if Jordan was still watching.

Lydia: ‘Ow! What did you do that for?’

Me: ‘Sorry! It was an accident!’

You go to such lengths to keep us out. You blockade our favoured roosting sites with steel mesh and spikes. You shoot us with .22-calibre rifles where the law allows, poison us with strychnine, coat your windowsills with flypaper and watch us do the mashed potato as we try to unstick ourselves, have a good laugh at our expense. So undignified, I feel so stupid. I’m supposed to suck it up and pretend like it’s all OK, just the food chain asserting itself, me below you above me, just the rules of the game.

You think you make the rules, that’s the killer. Gets me every time. This stuff better not be toxic.

Volcanoes are just mountains with fire inside. The fire comes from rivers under the ground. They only erupt when the volcano god is angry. At least that’s what the early-times people thought.

Mr Carroll: ‘That’s right, Harrison, people did use to think that.’

Me: ‘But really it’s Hell down there, isn’t it sir.’

Mr Carroll: ‘That’s an interesting theory. It’s definitely as hot as hell, that’s for sure.’

Everybody was laughing at me. They don’t believe in Hell around here. Asweh, they’re in for a nasty surprise! They’re going to get burned up like human toast!

In the early times they thought a fire god lived inside the volcano. He’d only stop throwing fire at them if they threw a virgin in the volcano for the god to eat. They thought there was a different god in everything. They thought there was a sky god and a tree god and a volcano god and a sea god. All their gods were angry all the time. They had to keep feeding them or they’d destroy them. The sea god would make a flood or the sky god would rain lightning on you or the tree god would fall on your house. They were always going to destroy you unless you fed them with virgins. Asweh, early-times people were very stupid. A virgin is a lady who isn’t married yet. They’re prized because they’re so rare. Only the gods can eat them. Married ladies gave them the shits. Everybody agreed.

At afternoon Registration Poppy gave me a letter. I wasn’t allowed to open it until I got home and I couldn’t show it to anybody else. I made sure nobody was looking. I went in my room, closed the door and stood right in front of it so no invaders could break in. My belly went funny and sick for if it was a trick.

I just have to tick the box. I have to give the letter back to Poppy after the holiday. I don’t know what will happen when I give it back. Asweh, I hope it was the right answer!

Today was the carnival. It was on the green. It was raining cats and dogs but everybody still came. All the umbrellas had cigarette names on them. The dancers were still dancing. Their feathers were so bright it still felt like the sun was out. One white lady was a peacock. All her make-ups was dripping down her face. It made her look like a broken puppet. It was very funny, the rain kept going in her smile and she had to spit it out. She never gave up though.

There were djembes. You had to dance, you couldn’t help it. Even the white people and the old people were dancing. The girl from the never-normal flats was next to me. She did a little baby dance. She was hardly moving at all. She was still stiff. You only knew she was dancing if you looked at her feet. Her feet were tapping on the ground all stiff and shy. It’s the only dance she knows.

I felt sorry for her. I wanted to teach her a real dance but there was no time, I’d miss all the fun things. I just pretended like her dance was still good, it was only her own style.

There were men on sticks, you know the sticks they stand on to make them go proper tall? It looked very hutious. It was too slippy, I kept suspecting them to fall down. I said a prayer inside my head so they wouldn’t fall. Some of the stickmen were juggling at the same time. Juggling’s when you throw a ball and catch it, except it’s three balls and you never drop any. Asweh, it was brutal.

Me: ‘Agnes would love them! I could learn juggling for when she comes. Where do they sell juggling balls?’

Mamma: ‘You can just use tennis balls.’

Me: ‘Will you buy some for me? I need three.’

Mamma: ‘We’ll see.’

Terry Takeaway stole a jar of hot-dog sausages from the raffle table and nobody even tried to catch him. He calls the hot-dog sausages Scooby Doo Cocks.

Terry Takeaway: ‘They’re for Asbo. He loves ’em, don’t you boy.’

When Asbo came to see me Mamma got scared. I had to save the day.

Me: ‘It’s alright, he doesn’t bite, he’s lovely, look.’

Asbo went on his back for me to scratch his belly. He loves that. He even has a belly button, it looks like a tiny bum. Then it was time for Dance Club. They were all parrots. Lydia kept forgetting to smile. She was too busy concentrating on getting the moves right.

Me and Mamma: ‘Go, Lydia! Give us a smile!’

She was even brilliant. She got all the moves right. I kept wishing Miquita would fall over but it was another girl who fell. She slipped and landed on her behind. The rest of them just kept going until the end. They only roughed her when the dance was finished, then everybody said she pissed herself because of the massive wet patch on her behind. It was only a lie. They knew what really happened because they saw it. But it’s funnier to say they pissed themself. Pissing yourself is funnier than just falling over. Everybody agrees.

Smaller kids: ‘Pissy pants, pissy pants!’

Girl: ‘F— off!’

I won a binoculars with my raffle ticket. Asweh, it was a dope-fine piece of luck. They’re army colour. They actually work even if they’re just plastic. I looked at the whole world through them. They made everything close. I could see the satellite dishes on the flats and the cross on the real church and the bullet hole in the broken lamppost. I looked on the roofs for if the murder weapon was up there but I didn’t see it. My pigeon was sitting on the roof of the Jubilee Centre, when he saw me he winked at me then he flew away, he was too fast to follow with the binoculars. I got dizzy from looking for him so I had to call it quits.

All the Dell Farm Crew were there but they didn’t even talk to me. My new mission can wait, there’s no business on carnival day. That’s the best thing about carnival, everybody forgets their business for one day and just has fun. I hope Killa keeps Miquita, then she won’t disturb me anymore. He was trying to burn her with his lighter. She tried to get away but he pulled her back. She was even laughing like she loved it. It felt crazy. Girls are stupid.