Pisces: From Behind That Locked Door (12 page)

Stephen slid his lips from Jay's, skimming them over his jaw and down his throat. Jay tilted his head back, his eyes fluttering closed as Stephen fit his mouth over the skin, sucking with just enough force to sting. He would have a hickey when all this was over. He, Jay Warheimer, would have a
hickey
right at the base of his neck. A mark. A love mark. His moan turned into a whimper as Stephen relaxed his jaw slightly, letting his teeth just barely sink into the skin. It added a new dimension of sensation that went direction to his groin. He wanted to feel Stephen's mouth like that
everywhere.

"Oh, Jay, don't smother him."

Jeni's voice was like a bucket of ice water thrown directly over his groin. He started back, pushing himself away from Stephen and scrambling for his shirt like a babysitter who'd just been caught with her boyfriend. Stephen sat up more slowly, mouth set in a confused frown as he looked to see just who had interrupted them. Jeni and Amy stood in the doorway, both of them grinning widely, Jeni looking particularly pleased with her little joke.

"I'd be more worried about him breaking the couch, to be honest," Amy said. "It's almost on its last legs as it is."

"I know. You can tell where he always sits, can't you? Since that's where the springs aren't really springs anymore."

Jay stood rather stiffly beside the couch, glancing quickly at Stephen to try to gauge his thoughts. "Amy, what are you doing here? I told you that I needed the place to myself."

"How was I supposed to know you actually needed the place to yourself?"

"I told you that I was going to have a guest," Jay said.

"Yeah, she told me. But I didn't really believe her." Jeni craned her neck to the side and wiggled her fingers at Stephen. "I guess this explains why Rhys couldn't even get you to look his way. You like some cushion, huh?"

They both cackled at that, and then Amy dropped her purse and breezed into the kitchen. "What smells so delicious in here? Did you guys order something in?"

"No," Stephen said, pulling his shirt on. "I made dinner."

"Ooh! Can I have some? Jeni, are you hungry?"

"I'm starving. What have we got?"

Jay wanted to protest that
they
didn't have anything. Stephen hadn't cooked for them, and why did Amy think she could just barge in and act like a total asshole? It must have been Jeni's influence, because he honestly couldn't remember Amy being quite this thoughtless before. But even when he heard them pull the plates from the cupboard, he couldn't say anything. He'd be giving Jeni another week's worth of ammunition if he barged into the kitchen and demand that nobody touch
his
food. She'd probably tell him to relax and remind him that he wouldn't starve if he missed out on a few bites of the casserole, even though they both knew it had absolutely nothing to do with the food.

Stephen touched his arm. "Look, if they're going to be around here for awhile, we can go to my place."

"I don't really feel like... I should just study."

"You can study at my place. Go grab your bag and I'll be a perfect gentleman."

Jay didn't want to be around anybody. He just wanted to lock himself in his room, turn on his music or the television, and read until he felt like he had a semblance of control. He wished life could be more like books. In books, things were supposed to make sense. There had to be an internal logic to all the characters and their actions and motivations. Jeni would be his antagonist, but she would probably get her comeuppance in the end, and he'd grow as a person, and everything would work out. But that's not what happened in the real world, and there would probably never be any consequences for her behavior. But he didn't want to turn Stephen down, either. Even if he didn't really feel fit for company anymore.

"Okay. I'll be right back."

Jeni caught his eye as he walked by the kitchen and grinned--
Ain't I stinker?
How could Amy even put with her for five minutes, much less spend most of the day and night with her? He'd have to ask her if he ever felt like talking to her again. At that moment, the chances of even wanting to see her face were slim to none. He didn't blame her for Jeni's bad attitude--though he did blame her for bringing Jeni to the apartment
again.
He also blamed her for laughing and being Jeni's captive audience. Maybe she would stop being such a bitch if everybody didn't cheer her on.

When Jay returned, Stephen and Jeni were both sitting on the couch, Stephen listening while Jeni talked about Pride Week. The sight of the two of them being so casual and social so soon after Jay's rush of humiliation almost sent him scurrying back to his room. He hated that Stephen could still talk to her like she hadn't said anything wrong. He hated that he was still so angry. Most of all, he hated that he could do absolutely nothing about any of it. He couldn't tell Stephen to stop being friendly with her. He couldn't make Amy stop dating her. He couldn't even throw her out of his own apartment where he paid most of the rent. She was balancing a plate of food on her knee. His eye began to twitch. A steady throb just below his eyebrow.

"This is so good," Amy enthused. "Is there something sweet in this?"

"Yes, the sauce is supposed to be a bit sweet to compliment the lamb."

"I thought Jay just added some sugar when you weren't looking. That's how he always ate before."

"Before what?"

"Before now. We grew up together. If you're wondering, he's always been like this."

"Come on. I'm ready to go," Jay said tightly, making a beeline for the door. Stephen didn't need to hear anymore stories about what a little pig Jay had always been. "Amy, we need to talk tonight."

"We're going back to my place," Jeni said. "We only stopped here to watch television and eat."

"Amy." Jay took a deep, steadying breath. "Remember whose name is on the lease."

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Jeni asked.

Amy answered before Jay could. "It's not a threat. I'll be home tonight, Jay."

"Good."

Jay slammed the door shut hard enough to make the frame shake, but it didn't do anything to make him feel better.

Stephen took him to a seedy bar on Main Street, and Jay didn't even realize that was exactly what he needed until they were sharing a tiny table in the far corner. They had a bowl of peanuts between them and a pitcher of beer. Stephen absently shelled the peanuts and made three piles--half of the nuts for Jay, half for himself, and then a pile for the discarded shells. Jay wasn't hungry and he mainly pushed his around the table and arranged them into nonsensical designs. Stephen didn't ask him any questions and Jay wasn't really in the mood for conversation, but the silence between them wasn't tense. It settled between them, as patient and sweet as an old friend.

"I've known her since elementary school," Jay finally volunteered. "We were in all the same classes right up until we graduated. The summer after graduation was probably the best in my life. I knew I was getting away from her, I planned to live in the dorms and I figured college wouldn't be like high school. I was going to have lots of friends, maybe even a boyfriend, and it'd be great. But then, wouldn't you know it, she was in two of my classes that first semester. She also decided she was a lesbian after four years of fucking the entire football team, so I saw her at the GLBT Center, too."

"You two are what? Twenty-four now?"

"Yeah."

"Why does she still act like she's twelve then?"

Jay sighed. "I don't know. Probably because nobody cares. Amy is my best friend in the world, and she thought it was hilarious. Everybody thinks it's funny when Jeni says shit like that. And if I act like it's not hilarious, then I'm the jerk with the problem. 'What's the matter, Jay? Can't you take a little joke?'"

"She says shit like that at the Center, too?"

"Sure. She says it anywhere. Everywhere. She's actually fooled me three times now. When we finished junior high, I thought she'd go to a different high school. When we graduated, I thought she'd go to a different college. When she finished up her Bachelor's, I thought she'd be on her way to graduate school or California or something. But no, she decided she needed to stick around to get a second degree. And of course, be more active at the Center."

"Jay, she should
not
be saying anything like that at the Center. To anybody. What about the director before me? Did you ever speak to her about it?"

Jay snorted. "No. Trust me, Stephen. If there's one thing I've learned, you can't stop a bully. They aren't secretly scared of being the butt of jokes. They don't care if they get in trouble. They aren't worried about threats. And when you're an adult, your options are even more limited. It's not like you can call the cops, and I have no recourse through the school."

"So you really believe there's no choice but to take it?"

"Yeah."

"No. That's not true. And I don't believe for a second that anybody at the Center laughs when she says shit like that. You have friends there, Jay."

"It doesn't matter what you believe, Stephen. It's like evolution and gravity. You can believe whatever you want, but it doesn't change the basic facts. When we were in sixth grade, she spent an entire field trip following me around and mooing. Her friends joined in. Pretty soon there was a group of twelve of my classmates, all of them mooing and yelling insults. And you know what happened as a result?"

Stephen shook his head.

"Nothing. The adult in charge of our group just happened to be her mother, and when I went to talk to Mrs. Hanson, our teacher, about it, she told me not to be such a tattletale, and if there's a problem, our group leader will sort it out."

Stephen winced. "Jesus. What about the principal?"

"What about him? He had actual problems to deal with. Besides, Jeni never really cared about authority figures. The more she got in trouble, the more her little lackeys fawned over her. What can you do in the face of that, Stephen, except keep your head down and just try to get through the day?"

"Well, she's not going to talk to you like that anymore."

Jay shrugged. He wasn't going to try to argue with Stephen about this. If he wanted to get himself involved in this sick game, then Jay wouldn't stop him. Besides, he didn't think Stephen would listen to him no matter how times he explained that there weren't any magic words to fix this problem. The only way to fix it was to literally become a different person, so Jeni wouldn't have such a large target to shoot at. And maybe even that wouldn't be enough.

"Jay, I'm serious."

"What are you going to do, Stephen? Tell her to stop being a bitch? She knows she's being a bitch."

"Maybe we'll have a discussion about how the Center is a safe zone, and that means it's safe for everybody."

"First, she won't care. Second, clearly she has an open invitation to invade my house any time she feels like it. Anyway, it's not that big of a deal."

"Yes, it is."

"No it's not. It's just... it's just how things are."

"Jay, no, this isn't how things are. This isn't how things should be. If I could turn back the clock and fix this, I would. Since I can't, I'll settle for the next best thing."

"I'm telling you, there's nothing you can do. Besides, she'll just say it's my fault anyway, and she's right about that."

Stephen's lips thinned. "Do you think you deserve that from her?"

"What?"

"Do you think you deserve it? Is that why you won't even say anything to defend yourself?"

"Look, I didn't mean... "

"Jay, just answer me." Stephen took Jay's hand, squeezing him with cool fingers. "Do you think you deserve that?"

Jay stared at Stephen's hand, wishing he'd had more time to admire Stephen's fingers. "Of course I deserve it."

"Jay... God. I don't even know what to say."

"You don't really have to say anything," Jay said tightly. He'd never said anything like that out loud, and it hurt worse than anything Jeni had ever said or done to him.

"Yes, I do. Jay, you don't deserve anything like that. You deserve to be happy, and to be loved, and to have a great life. You don't deserve anything less than that."

Jay looked away, wishing he'd stopped before letting Stephen push him into the words. He probably sounded like some overdramatic boob, and really, this sort of baggage wasn't something he should expose at all, ever, much less so soon in the relationship. "I'll understand if you... "

"Jay, stop right there. Just listen to me. I don't think you've done anything to be punished for. So I'm not going to be the one who doles out the punishment. Don't cast me in that role. I don't want it."

"I don't understand what you mean about punishment," Jay said.

"I mean, at some point you decided that when people are assholes, you must have it coming. So you just accept it because they wouldn't do it unless you deserved it. And then you decided everybody is really an asshole. But that's not true. You haven't done anything wrong, and I'm not an asshole."

Jay opened and closed his mouth, trying to think of a rebuttal to that, but he didn't have one.

"Jay, it's not a crime to be a little overweight."

Jay snorted. "A little? According to the BMI index, I'm morbidly obese."

"That thing is full of shit and I don't know why anybody even pays attention to it anymore. Besides, you're a big, tall guy. I know it might be hard to believe since Salt Lake can be insular, but there are plenty of men who really, really like big, tall guys. Plenty of women, too, for that matter."

"I feel like... I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. Do you even realize how difficult it is for me to be at the gym?"

"I have an idea. If it's difficult, why do you keep going?"

"What?"

"You don't need to go there just to see me. You can see me anytime you want, which I think you know by now. But you were still working out yesterday. Are you planning to go tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I... I don't know. It's not so bad now, and I don't want to just give up on it."