Plague of Memory (34 page)

My own thoughts bewildered me.
There is no reason for this.
I didn't care how she felt. Our present situation did not justify even the most limited physical contact. She could give me nothing of use. Even as I acknowledged that, I still wondered
—Why is she afraid? Am I frightening her?

That was when a strange vision came to me.

I saw the small Terran, dressed differently, standing before me. We were alone in an agricultural area where I had often worked. All of my attention was focused on her.

A violent determination filled me, and I took her wrists in my hands. I could feel the thin, delicate bones shift as I lifted her hands up to my face. I was focusing on her, reaching in to gather—

The link faded, and I found myself standing in front of Reever, staring down at him. "That happened. I remember. And you saw it before it did."

"I had never had such a vision," he said. "It intrigued me. It kept me alive until I could know better. I kept my distance, however." His mouth twisted as he stood and took my hands in his. "And I paid for it."

The Jorenian pilot stood waiting by my door panel. "You are Duncan Reever?"

"Yes." I studied him. He had the physical advantage of height and weight, but I was probably faster. "What do you want?"

He wore his black hair in a warrior's knot at the base of his skull, and it gleamed as he made a formal gesture. "I would speak with you."

I knew his kind declared their intention to kill before fighting, and he had no reason to be polite to an enemy. Based on that assumption, I invited him in, and offered him the tea his people preferred. He refused. We moved into my living area. There we faced each other like opponents, neither of us making any unnecessary movements. I concentrated on remaining calm and nonconfrontational. If he attacked me and I killed him—even in selfdefense—she would never forgive me.

"I am told you traveled with Cherijo Grey Veil, to Caszaria's Moon." His blank, white eyes met mine. Jorenians had no pupils or irises, which was somewhat disconcerting. "Cherijo is my Chosen.

"Yes.
Her friend, the Oenrallian Dhreen, also accompanied us." I knew Jorenians were notoriously possessive about their lifemates, and chose my next words carefully. "I was not aware that she had Chosen you until after we arrived. I accept her Choice." No, I didn't, but I could make a show of it. "I would not have accompanied her, had I known."

"A Jorenian female would never have accompanied you alone, but Cherijo is still... unused to the ways of my kind." He made a fluid gesture with his hands. "That is not why I am here."

I tensed as he drew an ornate dagger, but he only offered it to me. "Why do you give me this?"

"The Oenrallian told me how you protected her at the resort. I wish to express gratitude for that." He placed the hilt in my hand. "My thanks for your care of my Chosen, warrior."

I studied the blade. It was beautifully worked, honed to a razor's edge. I could bury it in his chest with a simple sweep of my arm. I also knew many ways to dispose of a body. "Ido not require thanks."

"It is difficult for rivals to exchange gifts, is it not?" He smiled a little. "Perhaps you will wish to keep it after you hear what I ask of you in return."

Only a Jorenian would have the spine to do that.

"What?"

"You know that war is coming."

Suddenly I felt very tired. I went to my console, and

saw the reflection of the blade in my hand. "Yes. Very

soon."

"It will not be a simple act of aggression. It will be the

league against the Hsktskt. Their battles will consume

whole systems, quadrants. The conflict will divert many

paths—particularly among those of us who serve in space." His voice took on a strange note. "It is not my war, but I suspect I will fight it—and I may perish in it." I spun the dagger like a top. "Death comes to us all."

"I do not fear it. That is not the way of my people." He went on to describe the traditional Jorenian preparations for a death ritual, and finally asked, "Duncan Reever, when I embrace the stars, will you serve as my Speaker?"

His request made me catch the dagger in midspin. From what he had told me, a Jorenian's Speaker brought the deceased's last wishes to his kin. It was a task given only to a trusted family member or close friend. "Why ask me?"

"You honor her as much as I."

I flipped the blade into my palm, made it dance over my fingers. "I could kill you."

He nodded. "And I you."

Yet we would not, for her sake. It seemed we understood each other perfectly. "Yes. I will Speak for you." "When the time comes, I will send for you." He bowed

and departed.

I did not want to admit it, but I liked Kao Torin. He was not Cherijo's balance, but I suspected he would give her a great deal of happiness. Since I could not do that, and I could not kill him, I would have to be content with that.

Slowly I emerged from the link. I was in my husband's arms, and he was carrying me into our sleeping chamber. I felt exhausted.

"That is enough for now," he told me.

Now that I knew why he had been so jealous of
Kao, I had to make him understand what had happened on Akkabarr.

"I never coupled with Teulon or Resa," I told him. "Our involvement was of mutual affection. There was a night when I might have, when Resa and I went to him, but after Teulon woke I chose to leave them. Teulon had no desire for two women, as Iisleg men do. I knew if he and Resa could be alone together, they might heal each other."

Reever sighed. "You did not have to tell me this."

"We must be open to each other." I had sensed something more waiting beyond the memory of Duncan's first meeting with Kao Torin. "I can feel you. You are still holding back something from me. Show me the rest."

Reever placed me on our sleeping platform and stretched out beside me. For the first time he looked hesitant. "It may make you angry."

"I think I have to know." He nodded, and bent his head to mine, and kissed me.

As
I was bandaging my self-inflicted wound, I received a summons to the FreeClinic. It was not from Cherijo, but from her Jorenian pilot. Kao Torin wished to see his Speaker.

I encountered Cherijo on my way to see him. She strode out of the back entrance of the facility and hurried past me. I went after her.

"Get away from me, Reever."

I couldn't, not without speaking to her. "Cherijo, stop."

She walked blindly on. We entered a dead-end alley,

332 S. L. Viehl

but she kept going until she reached the back wall. Then she shouted, "No!"

I caught up to her, and reached for her.

She turned and nearly went to her knees, her hands curled and pressed against either side of her brow. "I can't stop it! I can't!"

"No, you can't." I didn't know what else to say. I was going to see her dying lover, to receive his last wishes. I should have felt it like a victory, but all I felt was her pain.

He was dying because she had injected him with her own blood, and it was poisoning him.

She lunged at me and knocked me to the ground, screaming in my face. I did not defend myself as she struck me, over and over. She was wild, sobbing, completely out of control.

I linked with her.
Cherijo, stop.

No! I will not! Let me go!

It felt as if my chest was torn in two.
Cherijo. Stop fighting me. Let me help you.

Pure hatred poured into my mind from hers.
I never wanted you. Never wanted this. Get out, just get out of me!

Let me help you. J
showed her everything she denied—her own memories. The epidemic. Its aftermath. Alun Karas's innocent mistake. The thousands who had become infected, and would have died. I took her back to the groves, made her watch the exudation, made her see the dying as they recovered.
The colony lives. The Core lives. Your gift to them.

I brought her into my own memories, made her see the Core attack as I had experienced it. How it felt to be unable to stop them. How we had both been raped. How I had nearly died in the darkness that had followed. How she had saved me despite what I had done.
I live. Your gift to me.

I made her see Kao Torin, dying on the ward where she had left him. Then further back in time, to the moment just before she had injected him with her own blood. He had died. She had brought him back to life.
Kao Torin lives. He has the time to bid farewell to those he honors. To you. Your gift to him.

I can't bear it.
All the rage left her, leaving only grief and self-loathing.
Oh, God, Duncan, I can't. I can't.
I ended the link, and held her until she stopped shaking. Then I helped her to her feet. "Duncan." She tried to touch my face, then snatched her hand back. "Oh, no, what have I done?"

"I will recover." I wiped some blood from my nose and mouth with the back of my sleeve. "Be at peace, Cherijo. Be at peace with yourself." I let her go, and moved away.

"Duncan."

I stopped.

"I'm ... I'm sorry."

So was I.

I was weeping as we both emerged from the link, and Reever kissed away each tear. I took a moment to steady myself, and then I looked into his eyes. They were wet. He was waiting for my permission to go into the last, worst memory. "I'm ready."

I was not prepared to see the Jorenian as he was. His body looked wasted, his face gray with pain and fatigue. Yet when I drew a chair up beside his berth, he opened his eyes and made a gesture of welcome.

"I thank you for coming." He studied my face. "You are injured?"

"A small accident. It's nothing." Hopefully my eyes would not swell shut from the beating Cherijo had given me in her grief before we were finished, or I would need assistance returning to my quarters. "Are you sure you want to do this now?"

"I am dying." He smiled. "When my House is before you, will you Speak for me?"

"Yes."

He drew in a shallow breath, then made his formal requests. When he had finished, he asked, "Do you still have the dagger?"

I produced the blade, and handed it to him.

He turned it slowly in his hand. "This is not part of my Speaking, but I must also ask this of you." He gazed at me. "After I embrace the stars, I would ask that you Choose Cherijo."

"I will look after her—"

"No. That is not enough. You must Choose her."

I wanted to bury the blade in my own chest this time. "I can't. You don't know... you don't know what I am. What I have done."

"There is no one for her but you. No one else is strong enough to protect her. No one else honors her more. This is all that matters to me." His hand shook as he drew the blade down the center of his palm, making a shallow cut. Green blood oozed from the gash. "Warriors of different Houses seal their vows with blood." He handed me the blade. "Once made, they cannot be broken."

Slowly I made the same cut in my own palm, and we clasped our hands together.

"I entrust you with my Chosen, Duncan Reever."

"I will Choose her," I told him as I watched our blood

mingle and fall in red-and-green-streaked droplets to the linens on his berth. "And I will protect her with my life." "My thanks." He closed his eyes, and slipped into unconsciousness.

"The Jorenians came for him that day," Reever told me as I opened my eyes. "I helped them smuggle him out of the FreeClinic and to their ship. I asked for a position on the crew so that I could be close to you."

"So that you could keep your promise to Kao," I said, feeling wretched. "You never told her."

"No. I never did."

How much of this man's life had Cherijo inadvertently ruined, all for that promise he made to her dying lover? "I understand."

"No, you do not," Reever said. "I did not follow you to Varallan to keep my oath. It was not merely to fulfill the vow I made to Kao Torin. I wished to be near you. You were the other half of me. I could feel it in the balance of everything when we were together. I wanted to be near you always. I knew that being near might be all we would ever have together, but I thought it would be enough."

"Do you believe that Cherijo loved you, Duncan?"

He nodded. "In her way. She loved medicine, and devoting herself to her calling. I did not mind. I only wanted to share part of her life."

"Well, I hope you have some happy memories of that love, for it is over." Before his eyes could grow cold, I wrapped myself around him. "My love cannot be a thing of convenience, to be indulged in when I am not busy. I want you too much for that.

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Yes, I can love you, Duncan Reever, but you had bet' ter think on what that means. Nothing will come between us. Not my work, not the Hsktskt, not the Jorenians, nothing. I will love you with all that I am, and all that I will be. More than anything. More than my life."

"How can you feel that way?" He didn't believe me.

"You were not her first love, but you are mine, and I have chosen you." I smiled slowly. "Will it be enough for you?"

"Jam," he said just before he kissed me, "that is more than I ever dreamed."

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