Plastic Confidence (Good Bye Trilogy #1) (13 page)

And why am I thinking about the conscience of two people who are not in my life while Johnny is climaxing inside of me? Shit,
I was thinking so much that I forgot to have an orgasm. I rolled off him and we both caught our breath. Johnny turned to me and cleared his throat.

“When are you
gonna say it back?” he asked between his deep breaths. He looked hurt, and maybe slightly suspicious.

“You know I love you, Bren
... ” I quickly popped my hand over my mouth and my eyes widened as large as his did.

“Oh
, you have got to fucking be kidding me,” Johnny exclaimed, popping off the bed to retrieve his boxers.

“I’m sorry. It was the whole
OUIJA board thing. I’ve been processing a lot of my sexual issues with Brennan,” I lied.

“
I am so,
so
sorry. I do love you. I love you so much that I can’t even imagine what life would be like without you in it. Johns, you are everything, and I mean
fucking
everything to me.”

I was panting,
begging, almost tearing up, and he stared at me like I had never spoken before.

“You can’t?” he whispered.

I am confused. “Can’t what, Johnny?” I asked.

“You can’t imagine life without me?” he asked.

I shook my head and put out my arms for him to come to me. He did and just as I started to nibble on his ear, he whispered, “Then marry me, Jules.”

NINETEEN

New York City

The yellow princess cut diamond on my ring finger sparkled and made kaleidoscopes
on the walls, as I ran through my guitar solo. We were at the Mix Max Convention Center in Brooklyn and nearing the end of our long three month tour. We were ready to return to Johnny’s small apartment in Manhattan and sleep in, take walks, and plan our next recording.

Johnny had picked the ring out months ago in San Francisco and when he proposed
in Vancouver, I couldn’t say no. I didn’t want to say yes. But I did anyway. We celebrated with my brother and his family the next day. Sometime during the middle of the night, after he had asked me to be his bride, he walked two miles to a nearby river and threw the OUIJA board away. I kept in contact with Kent and it had not reappeared. He knew it was gone for good.

I finally felt like that chapter of my life was over. I was a different person being Johnny’s fiancé. There was no awkwardness. Well, when he talked about
dates, I clammed up, but after a few steady breathing moments, I tried to come up with ideas. They were terrible ideas. So, our conversation moved on.

Johnny stood and watched my fingers in rapt attention. His blue eyes were fierce and protective. He walked over with his bass slung over his shoulder and started to nibble at my ear. The crowd went
nuts.
Pure madness.
They were so responsive to our public relationship and the magazines were calling us American’s Rocking Love Couple. I was just so glad they hadn’t melded our names into Johnnia or Joonny. We made up those names one night and secretly waited for them to hit the news.

I giggled and dropped a few chords in
with the public display of affection. He noticed and gave everyone an unapologetic shrug, as he walked back to his side of the stage. I looked back to see Dex in his ready stance and rolling his eyes dramatically.

When I turned my head back around
to the crowd of ten thousand people, one lone and motionless male in the front of the pit, caught my attention. Long black locks, brown squared glasses, and one full tattooed sleeve mocked me, as my jaw clenched up. I slipped up on the transition, but I quickly recovered by turning my back on the crowd. I needed to slow my breathing. It had just gone up in rapid tempo.
Too fast for this song. Too fast for my body.

I am pretty sure that is when I froze. For a few minutes, I heard, saw, felt, said, sang, and breathed nothing. How dare he show up at a LSP show and stand in the front s
o I could see him? He wants to throw me off?
He wants to ruin me.

In that moment, I wanted to stomp off the stage and find the first airplane, train, bus, or bicycle out of this God forsaken place. Sure, I knew we were playing Brooklyn but never, ever did I think he would just show up like nothing happened.
Like I didn’t make it perfectly fucking clear two years ago that he had to leave me alone.

My thought process about what to do was wrecking me. I was struggling with my memory to grasp our last words to one another when I realized I had totally fucked up the song. My back was to the crow
d, my head bent over the guitar that I was hardly strumming and I should have been at the microphone singing the second verse to
Live Free or Die
. Okay, that is a song. Johnny and I wrote that song. Johnny was my fiancé. Yes, we wrote about my history in New Hampshire, and how I never understood the license plate motto. My head was officially back in the game as I listened to Dex do a slight Lars drum solo that was totally out of rhythm and foreign to this song in every way possible. I could only thank God that we hadn’t released it yet. It was still a work in process.

Johnny
cut me a look that practically brought me to my knees. He was pissed off. I was pissed, too. I was right damn pissed. I mouthed “I’m so sorry” to him but I wasn’t exactly sure what I was sorry for. Sorry I fucked up the song? Sorry that Brennan Curtis made me falter both physically and mentally? Sorry that my heart was beating to a different tempo than it ever had with Johnny? I started to sing and closed my eyes to block out the crowd of people, or the crowd of one person.

I cut back a look at him and he was smiling again at me.
Panic attack
. That was a panic attack because of the heat and lights. He did not affect me anymore. He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous in that fucking white tank top and low riding jeans. I couldn’t breathe. By now, the song was winding down and I looked out into the crowd. He was still there with a disappointed expression on his face that made me want to crawl right to him.

Brennan mouthed, “I miss you.” I grabbed the mic
rophone stand to keep myself from falling over. Then I grabbed it with my left hand and flung my ring finger into the air, screaming “live free or die”. It was the worst moment of irony I had ever experienced. He has just put me in a prison of want while I was living free on stage. So, to make it explicitly clear to him, I walked over to Johnny after the song ended and totally out of character, I whispered “Jules Lennox” and gave him an open mouthed kiss. He has been begging me to take his last name when we marry. But the fuck of it was I didn’t say that for Johnny or myself. I said it because, by proxy, I was telling Brennan to suck it.

Johnny
pinched my ass as I walked back to my spot. And... he was still there. Through my little show, through the brush off, through the fuck off, he stayed.
Content to be patient
. He wanted more reaction and I had nothing. I was a robot throughout the rest of the show. I wouldn’t look his way. I really couldn’t. It felt gross and wrong. It was like looking at a bloody mess that couldn’t be unseen. But, Lord, I felt him. It was enough of a passionate exchange to sense the cloudy abyss on the horizon. The more I sang the bigger hole I dug. Depression was only one bed away.

It was the longest show I had ever experienced. It dragged on like the bus ride from Kansas to Colorado. I felt like
I would never get there. On the outside, I played my part and luckily, after my total fuck up, Johnny, and Dex didn’t seem to notice my inner turmoil. What had Brennan been doing to me by showing up?

Right before I left the stage, I looked up and he was gone. I felt both lighter than air and
truly disappointed. I hated not knowing. I was always in control. I always called the shots, but Brennan made me fucking crazy and he didn’t even know it. He looked so goddamn sexy with that leather band on his non tatted arm. I had bought that for him. It had the letter “J” on it. No beanie. No sweater. No holds barred. He was stripped of his extras, taunting me to see him as he was.

I walked into the backstage room
to start signing and taking photos with fans. I waved Danielle over and told her that Brennan Curtis was on the no pass list from now on. Johnny came up right behind me as I finished my request.

“Why would Brennan come to a show?” he asked with concern.

“I saw him in the crowd tonight. That is why I fucked up that one song,” I answered him. It felt good to tell the truth. Johnny wouldn’t want lies and I didn’t either. I needed to be straightforward or I would get myself into a shit heap of trouble.

“He was?” he asked incredulously. He started to look around the room and when I put my hand on his arm, he startled at my touch. I quickly pulled it away.

“Look. It means nothing, Johnny. He can come to a show
but
I don’t want him anywhere near me.” I answered with equal suspicion.

His eyes softened as he took in my face. I was telling the truth. However, the reason behind the
truth wasn’t the same truth he thought it was. I didn’t
want
to get caught up in Brennan’s stupid married web. I didn’t
want
him to make me feel. But he did.

My phone vibrated in my bra. I clicked it on and saw the text on the locked screen and nearly died.

You were beautiful on stage. Congratulations on the engagement. I am glad that you’re happy.–B

My hands shook as I stuck the phone back into my bra. I went to the bar and begged for three shots of whiskey. I threw them back and felt the weight of the phone, the weight of my lies, and the weight of what I
was doing wrong in my life. I might not want to marry Johnny. I might not want this life anymore. I was exhausted.

I signed for about a half an hour, begged off a headache, and left
Johnny and Dex to play nice, while I went to find that bed.

TWENTY

I stayed in bed for days
, maybe even more than a week. At first, it was cramps. Then it was the stomach flu. Then I was just plain tired from touring. Johnny ran around the city, picking up medicine I wouldn’t take and getting food I wouldn’t eat.

I received a text message from James around noon one weekday. It was totally cryptic. I had to read it three times before I gave up and shook my head at the asinine text.

James: My dad is in town. Will you come down to meet him? He’s a fan.

Me: WTF James? I am in bed.

James: Well, get out of bed dumbass.

Me: You’re fired.

James: See you outside in twenty.

I looked over
at Johnny, who had his earphones on and was playing his guitar to the music.

H
is lean back begged to be touched, but I couldn’t put out my hand far enough to show him the love he had been begging for throughout my depression spell.

Yesterday, he had asked if my low
had anything to do with Brennan. I didn’t answer. He slammed the door, which didn’t even make me flinch. He had every right to be pissed off. I hated myself as much as he probably did in that moment. When he came back to our bedroom, both of our eyes were red rimmed as we lay, staring at each other. Something was changing between us. God damn it, I didn’t want it to.

I
forced myself to move over and touched his back tentatively. He flinched and whirled around with wide eyes. He immediately threw the equipment down on the floor and scooped me up into his arms.

“Johnny. I am sad. I think I am lost,” I whispered, touching his cheeks with my fingers.

“I know, Jules. I can’t do anything to make it right. I am scared. I feel like I am losing you,” he choked on the last two words.

I grabbed him and hugged him so tight. He whispered how much he loved me and I nodded into
his shoulder. I knew I was losing him, too. Hell, I was losing myself. I didn’t want music. I didn’t want men. I didn’t want me. I wanted to get rid of myself for one day. Just fucking one day that I didn’t have to be in my own stupid, fucked up head.

I wish
ed I had never met Brennan. I wished I could hug him instead in that moment. Two men, two nights, two separate future lives. I needed to be carried through this confusion and if no one could hold me, or if they didn’t want to, I wouldn’t say anything ever again. I would break.

“James wants me to
go down and meet his dad,” I said. I twisted my face up in disgust.

Johnny pulled back and smiled. “That sounds like a great idea,
baby.” I cringed inwardly at that endearment. Baby, I was not. Not to anyone. Especially not Brennan. Amelia was his baby.

“Do you think so? I don’t know why he wants me to go. I mean,
James never acts like a fan boy,” I said, twisting my lips into contemplation.

“Just go.
See about riding along, maybe. Get out of bed and have a day out. I want to hook up with Dex and some other guys on this new song,” he said. He sounded more and more excited about me leaving by the minute. That’s when I realized this was, in fact, Johnny’s apartment. Not mine. I had moved in. I was encroaching on his bed, his space. Fiancé or not, I was cramping his style to some degree.
I had to be.

“Yeah,
alright. I will get a quick shower and go,” I conceded, moving out of his arms sluggishly. I didn’t wash my hair. I threw it up in a messy bun on top of my head. I threw on an old Depeche Mode tee shirt and jeans. They were loose. Depression was good for weight loss. There was something.

My head already hurt from the activity and I went into the bedroom, where
Johnny was stripping the sheets, and replacing them with new ones. He had his ear plugs in and didn’t see my embarrassed look of shame. After a few moments, I waved my hand and then smiled faintly when he looked up. He took out the plugs and came over to me.

“You look gorgeous.” He
hugged me and I could feel excitement radiating off his body. I suppose I did look good. It was a far cry from the bleak tank and panties that I had been wearing for days. The makeup probably helped my outward appearance, too.

“Thanks. Are there any
photogs out there? Should I do the sunglasses?” I asked on a heavy exhale. Talking was so much fucking work. I felt light headed.

“I didn’t see any when I went out for coffee
, but bring them just in case. Text me later, okay?” He kissed my nose. “Oh, and Jules? Enjoy your day.”

I nodded as I grabbed my bag and headed down to the street.

The black town car was waiting on the curb. I opened the back door. James normally did that for me, but this whole ordeal was already bizarre as fuck, so I just went with it. The first thing I noticed was that the partition was up between James and me. I saw the back of an older man’s head in the front seat with him. They were talking about something but of course, I couldn’t hear them. I knocked on the window and asked him what the hell was going on.

“Put this thing down, James. We never use this,” I demanded.
“Are you and your dad going somewhere because Johnny said I should tag along, okay?”

No answer.
Nothing. I plastered my face against the partition to get any idea of what the hell was going on but I couldn’t make out anything they were doing.

Then, we
pulled out into traffic and I started to panic. Had I gotten into the wrong car? I banged on the partition and nothing happened. Was this a fucking joke? We made it two streets away from Johnny’s apartment when I heard a loud laugh. It wasn’t James’ laugh. Holy shit, I had just been kidnapped. I panicked.

“You are not James, you bastard! Where the hell is he?” I looked around the town car. This wasn’t even his town car. Holy fucking hell, I was abducted.

“I am calling 911 right now. It’s a life sentence in the slammer for kidnappers,” I yelled. The partition rolled down just as we hit the Williamsburg Bridge. The Williamsburg Bridge? Why were we leaving Manhattan? I was totally fucking creeped out now and I shuddered in fear.

Brennan turned to face me first and
I gasped. I looked to the passenger and swore. My deadbeat father didn’t look back at me. Both of their eyes faced forward, as they expected that I was taking in the crime scene.

“What.
The. Fuck?” I was hysterical. I started to hold my head in between my hands and rocked back and forth.

“Keep calm,
Julia Child,” Dad said.
Julia Child?
He was using my nickname? Did he think we were best buds and were just meeting up for a daily outing? I hadn’t seen this guy in years and I mean years. He didn’t even look like my dad anymore. The picture I had in my head was a far cry from who was sitting in the front seat of this car. He still dressed like he was in the 1970’s but his receding hair line had turned into just plain bald. And he was chubby. I didn’t know
this
man at all. So, I played along.

“You want calm, daddy dearest?
Fine. How about fuck you and you,” I said, pointing to both of them. “How about pulling over and letting me out of this... this awful car. I am not a child, I am not interested in having a little outing, and I want nothing to do with either of you.” I toggled my accusations back and forth between Brennan and my father, not exactly sure who I was most pissed at. Dad kept a straight face, amused even. Brennan winced when I said the last bit about wanting nothing to do with him.
I lied, Brennan. God, I am so close to you right now. Why are you taunting me like this?

“Wow, she’s got a mouth on her, hu
h?” My dad asked Brennan. Brennan smirked.

“It’s part of her gloriously
, beautiful charm,” he replied. His eyes met mine in the rear view mirror and I gaped.

“Is this a joke? Why is it that I am sitting in a car with the two
specific men that totally fucked my life?” I was beyond livid. I crossed my arms and started to find a way to get out of the car.
Nothing
good would come out of this.

“Johnny called me,” Brennan stated. He didn’t look at me in the rear view mirror this time.

Sure, he did
, I thought.

“
Johnny Lennox, my fiancé, wouldn’t call you even if he had a gun pointed to his head. Put the fucking partition back up, please.” I said. I was deadly. I was about to add murder to my long list of accomplishments.

Brennan was obviously fucking with me. They were the devil to my mental wellbeing and
Johnny would never just throw me into the fire. He would never do this to me, I thought to myself, as I pressed the number one on my phone.

“
Jules.” I heard the fear in his voice. Johnny
did
do this.

“Why?” I croaked out. “You are fucking me over. You are fucking with us.”

“Jules. You weren’t the same after you saw Brennan at the show. You haven’t been the same woman I fell in love with... both times. You need to figure out your shit. Your father has been contacting me for years and I told him not to contact you. When he called a few days ago, I don’t know... ” he sighed.

“Maybe
... maybe now it is time to figure out what he wants from you after all these years. As far as Brennan goes, I am not happy you are with him. But before you walk down that aisle to marry me, you need to be sure that I am the one you want.” He forced out those last few words through a fake confident tone. He was sad. I could hear his choked up throat. What did this mean? Was he letting me go?

“Are we breaking up, Johnny?” I asked
softly, almost on the verge of tears myself.

The headache I had at the apartment had grown into a gigantic living monster. I was shredded.
A long pause on his end made me start to tear up. It became clear to me then. He had no idea. Sure, I didn’t either but Johnny had always wanted me. He had sweated over me for years. I finally gave him another chance and it was ending like this?

This time i
t hurt. The last time? I didn’t have any feelings. This time, I knew I wasn’t a slutty bitch that he could mess with. I was Julia fucking Delaney. I deserved good people in my life. I deserved a man who wouldn’t just throw me to the wolves after a few dump days in bed.

“You know, when I threw that
OUIJA board in the river at your brother’s house, remember that?” I nodded, even though he obviously couldn’t see me.

“I want
ed to rid you of all your problems all at once. Even the ones you had when you were a little girl. I want to protect you and keep you safe, but I think that is my problem. I want you to be and feel happy. I mean, not all the time. I love fighting with you over stupid shit and I love your boobs,” he snorted. “Shit, I guess that doesn’t really have anything to do with it. But Jules, your boobs are killer.”

I could hear his
humor, and maybe even a little heat, as he was clearly thinking about me naked. Johnny’s moment of truth was almost heart wrenching. He didn’t do serious conversation very well, so the boob comment cover up told me he didn’t have a fucking clue how to be my man.

Johnny and I
loved each other enough to tell the truth. Nonetheless, I fake giggled at his boob comment. It was sad. I was sad. And I was in a car with two men that also made me sad. Not only was I dizzy from depression, but I was floundering in the house of bewilderment. All I needed were the fucked up mirrors that distorted my shape to finish me off.

“What now,
Johnny?” I asked with seriousness back in my tone.

“You tell me. Go and b
e with them, I guess. They have the answers your questions,” he admitted. “Then, I guess you decide what you want because I want the old Jules back. I want the girl that loves
My Little Pony
, puppet shows, and laughs because of nothing all through the night.
This
new Julia scares me,” he admitted, lowering his voice at the end.

“Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay.” His voice was stronger.

“Okay,” I replied.

“Bye, Jules.”

It seemed like t
he click was louder than usual when Johnny hung up. I watched the ‘call ended’ on my screen until it stopped, shoved my hand in my messed up bun, and looked out the window. I had no idea where we were going and it didn’t matter anymore.