Plastic Confidence (Good Bye Trilogy #1) (15 page)

TWENTY-THREE

I twisted my body out of Brennan’s arms and started to walk down the pathway again. A pathway to total confusion. I had to get my facts straight. Brennan didn’t allow me to though. He pulled me to the side of a large oak tree and put his hands on the sides of my face.

“What I am about to tell you,
Julia, is very difficult for me,” he said, as he searched my eyes.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I screamed at him.

“Julia, I need you to calm down and listen to me. The night I went to your concert here in Brooklyn? I didn’t go alone. Amelia wanted to come and see you. She had been so damn jealous of you. I followed you on the internet, in magazines, everywhere I could. I had been so obsessed that I started to question my own sanity. I missed you so fucking much. I felt injured all day, every day.” His hands were shaking on my face... hard.

“Amelia was
at the concert?” I whispered. Brennan nodded slowly, still piercing me with his eyes.

“So when I told her I needed to see you in person, she begged to go
with me. I didn’t care at that point. I was just going. She could watch me drool or whatever. I didn’t feel anything, you know. I didn’t feel bad for hurting her or making her mad. My marriage didn’t matter. I knew you were going to be so close to me. That was all that mattered,” he stated. His eyes closed briefly. He looked so pained.

“It was hard seeing you, Brennan. I
... I... ” I started but Brennan cut me off by shaking my head forcefully.

“No, I am not done.
I texted you when you went out back. I walked outside for a while. Amelia and I fought about my feelings for you. When I finally decided to come find you, Dex said that you had already left. I went backstage anyway. Johnny was there and he looked tanked already. When Dex let me in, I didn’t realize Amelia was right on my heels, so she got backstage, too.” His lips twisted in disgust and he looked away from me.

“So?” I asked.

“So, this fucking blows.” His hands pushed through his hair and he growled as he fisted his hands at his sides. He was physically angry. I just stood there, waiting. He started to chuckle. “You know what is so fucked up, Julia? Your fiancé, Johnny, was so fucking quick to call me out on being married. So fucking quick. Yes, I should have said something but nonetheless, I should have been the one to tell you. Just like that fucking bastard should be the one to tell you his fucking secrets.” He was seething. His jaw worked hard and his eyes didn’t have passion anymore. He looked like he wanted to strangle someone. I hadn’t seen him like this before, but hell, I had only spent a weekend with him. I just never knew he could... wait, Johnny has secrets?

“Go on, Brennan,” I demanded.

“So... when Dex told me you weren’t there, I got pissed and took off to find you. I couldn’t. I didn’t know where you went. But Amelia... she stayed behind. Julia, she and Johnny, they fucked that night. I am not just saying they had sex. They fucked each other in our living room... while I listened.” His eyes were dead on me. I looked back into them in horror.

“
Wh... what?” I whimpered as I started to fall. My knees fell out from under me and I couldn’t breathe.

“She told him that you and I are in love. She told him that if he fucked her
, you would choose the right person. He would tell you and you would finally choose who you wanted. It was so sick. She is so ill. Jealous, I don’t know,” he said as he backed off from me and he ran his hands over his face.

“She fucked it all up!” He screamed. I started to crumble. I fell to the ground and started to cry. Small tears at first, then hot streams of pain fell down my face, over my shirt. It came out of my nose and my ears were muted to the outside world.

Brennan tried to hug me on the ground but I shoved him off.
“Get the fuck away from me. Is this some fucking joke on me? Some fucking ploy to get me?”

Brennan shook his head harder than before. “I
left
her, Julia. I packed my shit right after Johnny left our place and told her I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t be with anyone that would want to hurt you. She hurt the only woman I have ever been flat out on my ass in love with,” he begged.

“So now?
I have to choose which fucking loser I should love?” I yelled at him.

He shook his head again. “No. You don’t get to choose. You get to know the whole truth and do whatever the fuck you want to do.
Julia, I gave up on having you a long time ago. I knew we were done. Our love was real. It was real but the trust was totally gone. I know firsthand that trust is what you need in a relationship. Open relationships teach you all about that,” he said, trying to smirk. His wounded face wouldn’t allow any smile to push through.

I laughed through the mask of wetness.
Open relationships... ha. No relationship was ever really open... not fully. The monogamous ones were just as fucked, too. I tore my engagement ring off my finger and threw it out on to the lawn. I started to get up from my seat on the dirt.

I was done with Johnny once and for all. I wasn’t choosing him. And I certainly wasn’t choosing Brennan. He broke my heart already. He was right. I didn’t trust him. From the look of my scorecard, he would do it again. I didn’t need to choose because I didn’t need anyone.

That was my answer.
Maybe that is what Johnny wanted me to figure out. Did I truly want him? Did I
need
him to make me feel like a complete person? No.

Actually, hell no.
He just did to me what every man I trusted in my life had ever done. He hurt me, he left me, and he killed my spirit once again. I decided in that moment underneath the branches of the large oak tree that I didn’t need sex or love or even a bed for depression. I didn’t
need
anyone but me. I needed my self-worth and pride, something I never had before. It was robbed from me so early in my life. None of this would have happened if I had those two core qualities from the start.

Brennan left me to search for the engagement ring in the lawn. I dried the tears from my face and looked around, confused as to where to go next. I needed to get my shit out of Johnny’s apartment. I needed to find a place to crash. I slowly turned around and looked at the expansive park, all the people going on with life while mine just took a nosedive into a volcano.
Fuck them all
.

Brennan came back and took my right hand. He placed the ring into my palm.

“You can’t be a little girl anymore, Julia. You have to face him like an adult. It is your choice to listen to him. It is your choice to forgive him. I don’t think he really knew what he was doing. Amelia can be very convincing so give him a chance,” he said earnestly.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I laughed and balked at him. “That man has cheated on me.
Multiple times, Brennan. Do I look like that much of an idiot to you?”

“No. You are beautiful. Even when you are in pain, you take all the air out of my lungs. I feel alive when I am with you so no
... never an idiot. An amazing woman with a heart of gold.” His hand went up to my face and I automatically turned into it. I couldn’t deny that our sexual attraction was ever in question. He may have been the only lover I felt safe and cared for with.

“I need to find a place to stay until I am
calmer. I want to be able to tell Johnny the things I need to say,” I said softly into his hand.

“I understand,” he smiled at me. “I know this shouldn’t have come from me. I am so
so sorry.”

I nodded because if I spoke, I would choke on another sob. I pushed that shit back down into my stomach.

“Where can I take you?” he asked.

“I have no clue. I want to be somewhere comfortable and far away. I need to be alone so I can find my real voice. Not the plastic one I have used for so damn long.” I replied.

“My friends are out of town and are letting me use their place. I can take you there and then go to work,” he offered. He was nervous. He didn’t want me to shut him down. He wanted to help. Then it dawned on me. I was so stupid. This guy just left his wife because my fiancé deceived me. He wants me to feel safe. He wants to give me what I need.

“Okay,” I choked. He took my hand and we walked several blocks pas
t a few bakeries, a tattoo shop, and a couple Polish restaurants. We didn’t say anything. His grip on my hand was firm but warm. He was so steady, holding me up as we walked.

We went down a side street and he opened a tall fence door. It led to a small white house. It looked
totally out of place in Brooklyn. It felt far away from the city. From an airplane, you probably couldn’t even see it with all of the tall buildings towering around it.

He unlocked the door and I was met with the scent of coffee and home.
It was cozy and I fell into the fuzzy sofa couch without any warning. He chuckled a bit at me and moved to get me the remote control to the television that was opposite me.

“I don’t want to watch TV,” I
snapped out.

“Okay. Well, if you do, just hit this button and then this one for the cable,” he said as he pointed down to it.

I didn’t even look at what he was showing me. I didn’t hear the words coming out of his mouth. I watched his face. The dark black hair, curly and soft surrounded his eyes as he looked down at the remote. His forearms looked so strong, almost like he could pick up a brick house with no problem. His beautiful tattoo that was on display for the world, yet just for me in this moment. When he was done talking, he looked up to find me staring at him. He placed the remote on the couch softly and then he sat on the coffee table opposite me and we sat there–staring at each other for long moments.

Very slowly, very deliberately, we both move
d our faces towards each other at the same time. The moment our lips met, we both moaned in relief. Only our lips and our noses were touching and yet I felt enveloped in his whole being. I parted my lips and his head turned to the side to kiss me deeper. It was intimate and sensual. He was lovely. His curls brushed against my eyebrows and my hand went up to feel the back of his head. I played with the curls and with my feather light touches, I allowed him to relax into me.

TWENTY
-FOUR

Brennan carefully took my hand from his hair and placed it over his heart, where I could feel the bass sound of his body playing steady. When he placed his hand over my heart, I became flustered with desire. It was an intimate move that I wasn’t ready for. I could feel both of our hearts kick up in tempo and I began to feel nervous. It was too challenging to keep myself from kissing him. I slowly leaned back on the couch as he sat beside me, our hands stayed connected to each other’s rhythmic energy.

“I wish our story had been different,” I quietly offered.

“Me, too,” he agreed with a small smile.

“We would have been perfect for one another, you kn
ow?” I said as casual as my tightened chest would allow. I still wanted Brennan but right now, I also wanted to vomit. The idea of being with Brennan from the very beginning without the open marriage, the lies, and Johnny’s impure actions, sent the little hope I had before this day into an inferno. Too much history destroyed our chances and we were ruined before we ever met. I wish that Brennan never met Sean at that convention so long ago. I don’t know where I would be if I hadn’t met him, but I would like to think that I wouldn’t have this sick feeling. I wouldn’t know that everything in my life, up until right now, has been for nothing.

“We still could be
.” His eyes are downcast and his words are too late.

I didn’t
say anything. I didn’t need to. I was too damaged to make any decisions about anything. I was essentially homeless. It didn’t matter whether I had money in the bank or not, I still didn’t have a place to run to. I was sick of it all. One moment I wanted to find the solutions to everything and the next I pressed my lips onto Brennan’s and urged him back on top of me. He groaned into my mouth and with impatient need, he started to undress me.

He was so rushed and
it felt wonderful. As he took of my shirt, he kissed my collarbone. When he unhooked my bra, he kissed the center of my chest. His hot, heavy breaths tickled the skin on my breasts right before he licked my nipples one at a time.

I helped
Brennan remove his shirt and as he sat back up to work off the sleeves, I gazed at his beautiful chest. He was so fucking beautiful. His body was strong and rich. His skin was warm and begged for my touch. His body belonged to no one but me.

“You are breathtaking,” I whispered as my fingers found the ridges around his pec
torals.

He smiled radiantly at me and
it set my heart, my tummy, and my insides on fire. It was a slow comfortable burn, the way I desired him so acutely. I craved Brennan. I always had. I wanted for us to be together again, even if it was just this once. His hastiness from just moments ago came to an abrupt halt while we watched each other with admiration, wonder, and love. This time, I was fully present. I was all of me. I was both the reckless girl and the mature woman in our final glorious moment together as one.

That afternoon,
on the couch of strangers, in the middle of no place in Brooklyn, Brennan Curtis and I made sweet, uninhibited love. We devoured every inch of every part of each other’s bodies. It was perfection. Finally, I had made the right choice. I giggled at his dimples and touched him in places I never had. I traced his ears, flicked his nipples, massaged his legs, and smiled more in that afternoon than I had in a year.

Later, while Brennan went to get us food,
I laid on the couch and flipped through the channels on the television and landed on two girls fighting over one guy in a reality show. It wasn’t amusing. It made me sick. I switched it over to Mega-fan Tonight and saw familiar faces on the television. Johnny and Dex were leaving their practice studio in Manhattan, while girls were trailing after them like little swooning ducks. I sat up straight and listened to the host say that ‘there was trouble in paradise for Lennox and Delaney’.

“Will they make it down the aisle?”
the host asked. Pictures of us kissing on tour filled the screen right when Brennan walked in with takeout Italian food. I clicked off the television and grinned up at the bag.

“Hungry?” he asked with a deliberate smirk.

“I am positive I burned off every calorie I had left in my body. It’s exhausting just to talk,” I said as I grabbed for my foiled plate. I looked down at the manicotti and sighed in wonderment. God love food. God love food after sex. God love good food after fabulous sex.

Brennan laughed at my merriment and we sat side by side on the couch to eat.

“What were you watching that you didn’t want me to see?” he asked. He wasn’t upset or suspicious. He was just Brennan asking a question that probably didn’t need an answer either way.

“Just crap about Johnny and me splitting up,” I said as I took a humongous bite of cheese and
sauce.

“Yeah?
You guys breaking up?” he asked with a mouthful of chicken parmesan.

I nodded.
“Yep. I am leaving the band, too.”

Brennan nearly choked. He started coughing and I rubbed his back while he put the food on the coffee table and reach
ed for the glass of water.

It took a long time for the coughing fit to subside and I felt bad. But it was
the truth. I was leaving the band. I couldn’t see a way to have a future with Johnny in any capacity. It felt over, too. I felt the finality of it in my chest and it didn’t hurt. It felt right. I didn’t know what my next step was or where I would go but I was done with Love Sick Ponies. Ironically, I was sick of love and all its repercussions.

“You can’t leave the band, can you? I mean, aren’t you under contract?” Brennan
looked astounded. I giggled at his face and gave him a kiss on his soft dimpled cheek.

“I can do whatever I want.” I shrugged. “
I am under contract, but that doesn’t mean I can’t get out anyways. I will just have to pay a lot of money to a lawyer. No matter what, I will receive royalties on the albums I have done with the band.”

I thought about it for a minute. In fact, if I didn’t sing one more song for the rest of my life, even my children’s kids would be financially set. So why was I homeless? Oh yeah, I was living with my rock star fiancé.
Jackass
.

“So, you want out?
For real?” Brennan was truly surprised at my decision.

“For real
.”

“What will you do?” he questioned. It was a damn good question. I thought about it for a long while until I realized I had no idea.

“You don’t know, do you?” He shook his head and I waited for his next question.

“You won’t leave the band,
Julia. It is your passion. Everyone sees it on stage.”

I nodded my head in agreement. It
was
my passion. I did feel it on stage. It was such a fucking rush but then I thought about turning my head to the right and seeing Johnny’s face. I would see him fucking girl after girl after girl and I wouldn’t be numb towards it anymore. This time it hurt. This time I wouldn’t be able to watch.

Brennan and I watched television long after dinner. We didn’t have sex again and when I saw that he was sleeping peacefully, I got up quietly. I went to the kitchen of this total stranger’s house in search of a pen. I found an envelope and a sharpie. I wrote the letter I dreaded but it was
the final message that had to be shared between us. Dropping Johnny and running into Brennan’s arms was foolish. This girl needed to find and love herself for a while. I was scared to death but I wrote it anyway.

Bren,

Making love to you again was exactly what I needed. You are probably the love of my life and yet, it would never work. I hope you find true happiness. XOXO–Your Julia.

One
down, one to go.