Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (14 page)

“Yesterday I thought I’d lost everything,” I whispered. “I can’t believe I’m going to be a dad.”

“You’re going to be a great dad.”

“Damn straight I will. I’ll do everything for that kid.”

Leaning over, she gave me a hug and whispered, “Congratulations.”

Chapter Fifteen

“Morning,” I said to Holly as I walked into work and again revelled in a blush that I knew meant she was thinking about the sex we’d had.

“Morning, Jasper. You look happy today.”

I stopped by her chair and sat on the spot on the desk we’d christened. Her lame attempt at fighting a smile told me she knew exactly what I was doing.

“That’s because I am.”

“Good. It’s nice to see you smiling again.”

“Hey, I’ve smiled since Abby. You should know that better than anyone.”

“Shh,” she hissed, looking around the empty room.

My smile widened. “There’s no one around but you and me, Holly. Now what could we do on this desk with no one around…”

She glared.

“I’m kidding. We should at least wait until I lock up tonight.”

Her cheeks turned scarlet.

“Want to tell me why you’re so happy rather than making me squirm at work?”

I was momentarily stunned into silence. That I hadn’t expected to come from her mouth. She admitted I made her squirm. I could live with that.

“I’m going to be a dad.”

Her mouth fell open so wide I could see all of her teeth.

“That was pretty much my reaction too,” I said.

“Oh. Um, congratulations then I guess.”

The light went from her eyes.

“So are you moving back into your old house?”

“What? No. Hey, when I said I never wanted Abby back I meant it. We’re having a baby together, but that’s it.”

‘That’s it’ was a strange phrase to use when talking about raising a tiny person but that was it, that was as far as my relationship with Abby was ever going to go again. We’d share a child. End of story.

“I see. No offence, but I’m glad you’re not going back there. You can do better.”

“Anyone can do better than being with a cheater.”

She nodded. “You’re going to be a great dad.”

“I hope so.”

Smiling distantly, she spun her chair to face the monitor. “Oakley asked if you’d sign off the wages as she ran out of time. She left a note, I think, but asked me to mention it too.”

Holly had gone from squirming and blushing to ice cold at the mention of me being a dad.

“You okay?” I asked her.

“Yeah, fine.” She looked up. “Why?”

I leant over, resting my hand on the desk and completely blocking her view of the screen.

“What’re you doing, Jasper?” she asked a little breathlessly. At least she wasn’t completely put off.

“What’re you doing? There something wrong with me now I’m going to be a dad?”

“Of course not. It’s just weird. I feel wrong for…” she shrugged.

“For what?”

“Flirting with you when your ex is carrying your child. I don’t know; I shouldn’t because you’re single and can do what the hell you like, but…”

“But you’re a good girl – most of the time – and you have all these weird morals.”

She laughed. “Weird?”

“Yeah, weird.”

“If I was having a baby with someone else would you be here right now?”

“At work?”

She deadpanned.

“Alright, fine. Yes, I’d want you, but I don’t have any morals.”

“That’s rubbish. You do.”

“Fine, I have some. I think I’d still hit on you though, unless you were with this other guy.”

Rolling her eyes, she pushed me back up, so I was sitting straight.

“Of course you would because you just can’t get enough of me.”

Something like that.
I’d rather be with Holly than all those other women.

“Why are we even having this discussion?” she asked.

“Alright, sorry.” Frowning, I stood up and walked into the office. What the hell was her problem? We’d only slept together a few times, and I wasn’t even with Abby. She couldn’t be jealous, could she?

“Holly,” I said, poking my head around the door. She looked up. “Is there something you want to talk about? Baby wise?”

“No. Why?”

“It’s just that you seem off since I told you about Abby being pregnant.”

“Look, I don’t mean to be off or anything, it’s just sudden, and I thought that you were finally starting to get your life back on track. Then this.”

Wow, she really had no idea how many nights a week I went out getting smashed. Did she think I’d only slept with her since the break-up? I wanted her to think that rather than knowing the truth – that I woke up with women beside me I couldn’t remember going home with a couple times a week.

I wanted to protect that secret and not have her be disappointed in me. In a very short space of time, she’d become someone that I cared about. I didn’t want to lose her friendship or make her feel like a random woman I’d fucked since my wife cheated. Holly deserved better.

“As long as you’re good.”

“I am,” she replied.

“Want a coffee?”

“Please.”

I went in the kitchen, feeling a lot better for talking to her rather than leaving it. Now if I could only do that with Abby, things would be so much easier.

I wanted nothing to do with Abby, but she was carrying our baby; therefore, I was going to push everything else to the back of my mind and be the best dad-to-be I could.

“Uncle Jasper, where are we going?”

“The petting zoo,” I replied, looking over at her to see her reaction.

Her bright, baby blue eyes lit up, and she smiled a full, toothy smile.

“Yay!” she chanted. “Can I cuddle a goat?”

I laughed. “If you want.”

Since Cole and Oakley took her there a few months ago, she’d been obsessed with goats. Apparently she threw a tantrum when she was told she couldn’t have one. A day out with her was exactly what I needed to take my mind off everything for a while.

Tomorrow was scan day. I was buzzing at the thought of seeing my son or daughter, but I was also shit scared. Seeing it would make it real. I wanted to forget Abby, but this was going to tie us together for the rest of our lives. Every time I saw her I felt like I was being punched. I just hoped it would get better before the baby arrived.

“Are Mummy and Daddy coming too?”

“No, they’re at work. You’re okay just going with me, aren’t you?”

She nodded. “Can I have ice cream and chocolate?”

“If you promise me you’ll brush your teeth extra good tonight?”

“Okay. I don’t want my teeth to go black and fall out.” Her eyes widened, and she scrunched her nose up.

“That’s right you don’t.”

“Are we nearly there yet?” she asked, practically bouncing in her seat.

“Almost,” I replied. Soon Everleigh would have a younger cousin to nag about timings and hurrying up. I couldn’t wait to take my own kid out too. Weekends and my days off. That was probably when I’d have the baby. I wanted joint custody and the baby spending an equal amount of time with us both.

I felt like I was already being pushed out. Not that Abby had done anything intentionally but her talk of nurseries and pre-school without consulting me made me think she felt she had the most rights and could decide these things on her own. She’d never been like that before. Every decision we made was a joint one. I felt like the dad that was being replaced by a step-dad.

My blood turned cold. Brett. If Abby really was with Brett now would he be the one discussing what to do with my child? I was sickened by the thought of him in my child’s life more than me, but there was nothing I could do to stop it if Kerry was right and they were together. She’d seen them together in town.

“Uncle Jasper?” Everleigh said, bringing me back to reality.

“Yeah?”

“Can I have a goat at your house?”

I laughed. “Everleigh, I live in a flat. I don’t even have the space for a dog. Where would I keep a goat?”

“In my room. I don’t mind sharing.”

Things were so simple to kids. I loved it the innocence and naivety. Just put the goat in the bedroom. If she’d picked an animal that wouldn’t eat my flat, then I probably would have bought it for her. I sucked at telling her no.

I got in after dropping Everleigh off home and dialled Abby’s number. Speaking to her hurt but I’d have to ignore that. There was no getting away with not seeing her anymore.

“Jasper, hi,” she breathed down the phone.

I tried to ignore the pang of heartbreak at hearing her say my name like that.

“How are you?” I asked, working harder than I should to keep my voice even.

“I’m good, just a little tired. Are you okay?”

“Fine. Just wanted to sort out tomorrow.”

“Do you want to meet at the hospital or take one car?”

I closed my eyes. Taking one car was something we did as a couple. I’d always call her if we were going out and ask if she wanted to meet at the place we were going, or if I we should meet her at home and go together. So many times we’d opted for going together, even though it wasn’t the easiest thing to do. We did it just to be together.

“I’ll meet you there,” I replied.

“Alright,” she whispered. Even though it was her fault we broke up I still felt guilty every time she sounded unhappy. That needed to pass soon because I resented her for ending our marriage and for making me feel like the bad guy.

Chapter Sixteen

We sat in the waiting room in silence. Usually we’d be chatting or flirting. I hated that it was so different now.
When will I stop loving her?
She’d broken my heart, and I couldn’t get myself to stop wanting her. Shouldn’t I have automatically stopped the second I caught her all over Brett?

“Jasper,” she said, lowering her voice so the couple across the room from us couldn’t hear.

“What?”

“Do you think you can get past what I did so we can at least see where things go? We’re having a baby now. That’s so much bigger than my feelings of insecurity.”

“What feelings of insecurity?”

She’d never mentioned that before, not once.

Abby shrugged and rolled her lips inwards.

“I guess recently I’d been feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I kept letting you down because you wanted a child and I didn’t feel ready.”

“Are you trying to justify what you did?”

“No,” she said and frowned. “Of course not, I’m just trying to make you understand why I did it. With Brett,  there were no expectations so I couldn’t let him down. I’m not trying to make it okay, it wasn’t okay. What I did was stupid and selfish, and I’m ashamed at myself. But we’re having a child.”

“Lets not do this here.”

“Why not? We’re about to see our child for the first time. I think now is perfect.”

She asked for it.

“Fine. Look, I’ll be there for you as the father of our baby. I’ll do everything I can for that child, but I won’t take you back. You knew this was the last chance. We’ve done this too many times, and I don’t want to have this discussion again. Drop it.”

I turned away, feeling like shit. How many times was I going to have to say no before she realised I was serious? Just because I’d forgiven her before, didn’t mean I was going to again – ever.

“Mrs Dane,” someone called from behind us.

“Okay, are you ready to meet your baby?”

I grinned again, so wide the muscles in my cheeks burned. “Hell yeah, I am!”

The sonographer squirted some questionable looking stuff on Abby’s stomach, and I looked at the screen. Soon enough something appeared in front of me – but what? It kind of looked like a bean.

“Is that it?” I asked. It was the cutest bean I’d ever seen, and I fell in love right then.

“Yes, that’s it.”

“Wow,” I whispered.

“I’ll just calculate how far along you are,” the sonographer said, tapping away at her keyboard and looking at the screen. “Okay, so you’re five weeks and your due date is March 29
^th
.”

The world came to an abrupt stop. That couldn’t be right. We were expecting sometime in February. That meant she got pregnant in late June,
after
the last time we’d broken up. I knew what that meant but at the same time my brain refused to process it.

“March,” I repeated.

On the table, Abby froze, staring at the screen, eyes wide and mouth open. She looked shocked but how could she be? She knew who she’d slept with. She knew that there was a chance it could be someone else’s – Brett’s.

Oh fucking hell, the baby isn’t mine.

I stood up in a daze. No. This couldn’t be happening.

“Abby,” I whispered. She said there had been no one since me. I wanted to have it out with her, but this wasn’t the place, so like a dick, I stood there as my heart broke all over again.

When I should have bolted from the room, I stood still, unable to move an inch. The air thickened and tension radiated from us both. She didn’t say anything, didn’t look at me, just laid still, staring at the screen and gripping the edge of the bed.

I felt sick watching another man’s baby inside my wife, but my legs had failed me.

Run.

The sonographer reeled off some information, and I briefly caught her saying everything looked fine, but my ears were ringing. Why couldn’t I just leave? My body, still rooted to the floor, was punishing me in the most painful way imaginable.

Abby and a baby was all I’d wanted, and I just lost both.

Her belly was wiped and she sat up, taking the photographs.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

She turned around, and my heart slammed against my chest. It was over. All of it. Our marriage and our future, completely gone. She wasn’t mine any more. Her baby wasn’t mine. We were done. My eyes stung. I spun around and sprinted from the room.

I ran towards the exit and could hear her hot on my heel. She was running to catch me up, to say what? There was nothing that could ever make this better. She’d assured me the baby was mine, and her and Brett used contraception. They obviously fucking hadn’t. Or there was another man in the frame.