Plays Unpleasant (24 page)

PARAMORE
. I do hope that with all my soul – [
correcting himself
] I mean with all my function of hoping.

CHARTERIS
. Then, since both theories are equally scientific, why not devote yourself, as a humane man, to proving the amiable theory rather than the damnable one?

PARAMORE
. But how?

CHARTERIS
. I'll tell you. You think I'm fond of Julia myself. So I am; but then I'm fond of everybody; so I dont count. Besides, if you try the scientific experiment of asking her whether she loves me, she'll tell you that she hates and despises me. So I'm out of the running. Nevertheless, like you, I hope that she may be happy with all my – what did you call your soul?

PARAMORE
[
impatiently
] Oh, go on, go on: finish what you were going to say.

CHARTERIS
[
suddenly affecting complete indifference, and rising carelessly
] I dont know that I was going to say anything more. If I were you I should invite the Cravens to tea in honor of the Colonel's escape from a horrible doom. By the way, if youve done with that British Medical Journal, I should like to see how theyve smashed your theory up.

PARAMORE
[
wincing as he also rises
] Oh, certainly, if you wish it. I have no objection. [
He takes the journal from the bookstand
]. I admit that the Italian experiments apparently upset my theory. But please remember that it is doubtful – extremely doubtful – whether anything can be proved by
experiments on animals. [
He hands Charteris the journal
].

CHARTERIS
[
taking it
] It doesnt matter: I dont intend to make any. [
He retires to the recess on Ibsen's right, picking up the step-ladder as he passes and placing it so that he is able to use it for a leg rest as he settles himself to read on the divan with his back to the corner of the mantelpiece
].

Paramore goes to the dining room door, and is about to leave the library when he meets Grace entering
.

GRACE
. How do you do, Dr Paramore? So glad to see you. [
They shake hands
].

PARAMORE
. Thanks. Quite well, I hope?

GRACE
. Quite, thank you. Youre looking overworked. We must take more care of you, Doctor.

PARAMORE
. You are too kind.

GRACE
. It is you who are too kind – to your patients. You sacrifice yourself. Have a little rest. Come and talk to me. Tell me all about the latest scientific discoveries, and what I ought to read to keep myself up to date. But perhaps youre busy.

PARAMORE
. No, not at all. Only too delighted. [
They go into the recess on Ibsen's left, and sit there chatting in whispers, very confidentially
].

CHARTERIS
. How they all love a doctor! They can say what they like to him. [
Julia returns, but does not look his way
.
He takes his feet from the ladder and sits up
] Whew! [
Julia wanders along his side of the room, apparently looking for someone. Charteris steals after her
].

CHARTERIS
[
in a low voice
] Looking for me, Julia?

JULIA
[
starting violently
] Oh! how you startled me!

CHARTERIS
. Sh! I want to shew you something. Look! [
He points to the pair in the recess
].

JULIA
[
jealously
] That woman!

CHARTERIS
. My young woman, carrying off your young man.

JULIA
. What do you mean? Do you dare insinuate –

CHARTERIS
. Sh-sh-sh! Dont disturb them.

Paramore rises; takes down a book; and sits on a foot-stool at Grace's feet
.

JULIA
. Why are they whispering like that?

CHARTERIS
. Because they dont want any one to hear what they are saying to one another.

Paramore shews Grace a picture in the book. They both laugh heartily over it
.

JULIA
. What is he shewing her?

CHARTERIS
. Probably a diagram of the liver. [
Julia, with an exclamation of disgust, makes for the recess. Charteris catches her sleeve
]. Stop. Be careful, Julia [
She frees herself by giving him a push which upsets him into the easy chair; then crosses to the recess, and stands looking down at Grace and Paramore from the corner next the fireplace
].

JULIA
[
with suppressed fury
] You seem to have found a very interesting book, Dr Paramore. [
They look up, astonished
]. May I ask what it is? [
She stoops swiftly; snatches the book from Paramore; and comes down to the table quickly to look at it whilst they rise in amazement
]. Good Words! [
She flings it on the table, and sweeps back past Charteris, exclaiming contemptuously
] You fool! [
Paramore and Grace, meanwhile, come from the recess: Paramore bewildered; Grace very determined
].

CHARTERIS
[
aside to Julia as he gets out of the easy chair
] Idiot! She'll have you turned out of the club for this.

JULIA
[
terrified
] She cant: can she?

PARAMORE
. What is the matter, Miss Craven?

CHARTERIS
[
hastily
] Nothing. My fault: a stupid practical joke. I beg your pardon and Mrs Tranfield's.

GRACE
[
firmly
] It is not your fault in the least, Mr Charteris. Dr Paramore: will you oblige me by finding Sylvia Craven for me, if you can?

PARAMORE
[
hesitating
] But –

GRACE
. I want you to go now, if you please.

PARAMORE
[
succumbing
] Certainly. [
He bows and goes out by the staircase door
].

GRACE
. You are going with him, Charteris.

JULIA
. You will not leave me here to be insulted by this woman, Mr Charteris. [
She takes his arm as if to go with him
].

GRACE
. When two ladies quarrel in this club, it is against the rules to settle it when there are gentlemen present: especially the gentlemen they are quarrelling about. I presume you do not wish to break that rule, Miss Craven. [
Julia sullenly drops Charteris's arm. Grace turns to Charteris, and adds
] Now! Trot off.

CHARTERIS
. Certainly. Certainly. [
He follows Paramore ignominiously
].

GRACE
[
to Julia, with quiet peremptoriness
] Now: what have you to say to me?

JULIA
[
suddenly throwing herself tragically on her knees at Grace's feet
] Dont take him from me. Oh dont – dont be so cruel. Give him back to me. You dont know what youre doing – what our past has been – how I love him. You dont know –

GRACE
. Get up; and dont be a fool. Suppose any one comes in and sees you in that ridiculous attitude!

JULIA
. I hardly know what I'm doing. I dont care what I'm doing: I'm too miserable. Oh, wont you listen to me?

GRACE
. Do you suppose I am a man, to be imposed on by this sort of rubbish?

JULIA
[
getting up and looking darkly at her
] You intend to take him from me then?

GRACE
. Do you expect me to help you to keep him after the way you have behaved?

JULIA
[
trying her theatrical method in a milder form: reasonable and impulsively goodnatured instead of tragic
] I know I was wrong to act as I did last night. I beg your pardon. I am sorry I was mad.

GRACE
. Not a bit mad. You calculated to an inch how far you could go. When he is present to stand between us and play out the scene with you, I count for nothing. When we are alone, you fall back on your natural way of getting anything you want: crying for it like a baby until it is given to you.

JULIA
[
with unconcealed hatred
] You learnt this from him.

GRACE
. I learnt it from yourself, last night and now. How I hate to be a woman when I see, by you, what wretched childish creatures we are! Those two men would cut you dead and have you turned out of the club if you were a man, and had behaved in such a way before them. But because you are only a woman, they are forbearing! sympathetic! gallant! Oh, if you had a scrap of self-respect, their indulgence would make you creep all over. I understand now why Charteris has no respect for women.

JULIA
. How dare you say that?

GRACE
. Dare! I love him. And I have refused his offer to marry me.

JULIA
[
incredulous, but hopeful
] You have refused!

GRACE
. Yes; because I will not give myself to any man who has learnt how to treat women from you and your like. I can do without his love, but not without his respect; and it is your fault that I cannot have both. Take his love then; and much good may it do you! Run to him, and beg him to take you back.

JULIA
. Oh, what a liar you are! He loved me before he ever saw you – before he ever dreamt of you, you pitiful thing. Do you think
I
need go down on my knees to men to make them come to me? That may be your experience, you creature with no figure: it is not mine. There are dozens of men who would give their souls for a look from me. I have only to lift my finger.

GRACE
. Lift it then; and see whether he will come.

JULIA
. How I should like to kill you! I dont know why I dont.

GRACE
. Yes: you like to get out of your difficulties at other people's expense. It is something to boast of, isnt it, that dozens of men would make love to you if you invited them?

JULIA
[
sullenly
] I suppose it's better to be like you, with a cold heart and a serpent's tongue. Thank Heaven, I have
a heart: that is why you can hurt me as I cannot hurt you. And you are a coward. You are giving him up to me without a struggle.

GRACE
. Yes: it is for you to struggle. I wish you success. [
She turns away contemptuously, and is going to the dining room door when Sylvia enters on the opposite side, followed by Cuthbertson and Craven, who come to Julia, whilst Sylvia crosses to Grace
].

SYLVIA
. Here I am, sent by the faithful Paramore. He hinted that I'd better bring the elder members of the family too: here they are. Whats the row?

GRACE
[
quietly
] Nothing, dear. Theres no row.

JULIA
[
hysterically, tottering and stretching out her arms to Craven
] Daddy!

CRAVEN
[
taking her in his arms
] My precious! Whats the matter?

JULIA
[
through her tears
] She's going to have me expelled from the club; and we shall all be disgraced. Can she do it, Daddy?

CRAVEN
. Well, really, the rules of this club are so extraordinary that I dont know. [
To Grace
] May I ask, madam, whether you have any complaint to make of my daughter's conduct?

GRACE
. Yes, sir. I am going to complain to the committee.

SYLVIA
. I knew youd overdo it some day, Julia.

CRAVEN
. Do you know this lady, Jo?

CUTHBERTSON
. This is my daughter, Mrs Tranfield, Dan. Grace: this is my old friend Colonel Craven.

Grace and Craven bow to one another constrainedly
.

CRAVEN
. May I ask the ground of complaint, Mrs Tranfield?

GRACE
. Simply that Miss Craven is essentially a womanly woman, and, as such, not eligible for membership.

JULIA
. It's false. I'm not a womanly woman. I was guaranteed when I joined just as you were.

GRACE
. By Mr Charteris, I think, at your own request. I shall call him as a witness to your thoroughly womanly conduct just now in his presence and Dr Paramore's.

CRAVEN
. Cuthbertson: are they joking? or am I dreaming?

CUTHBERTSON
[
grimly
] It's real, Dan: youre awake.

SYLVIA
[
taking Craven's left arm, and hugging it affectionately
]

Dear old Rip Van Winkle!

CRAVEN
. Well, Mrs Tranfield, all I can say is that I hope you will suc
ć
eed in establishing your complaint, and that Julia may soon see the last of this most outrageous institution.
Charteris returns
.

CHARTERIS
[
at the door
] May I come in?

SYLVIA
. Yes: youre wanted here as a witness. [
Charteris comes in, and places himself with evident misgiving between Julia and Grace
]. It's a bad case of womanliness.

GRACE
[
Half aside to him, significantly
] You understand? [
Julia watching them jealously, leaves her father and gets close to Charteris. Grace adds aloud
] I shall expect your support before the committee.

JULIA
. If you have a scrap of manhood in you you will take my part.

CHARTERIS
. But then I shall be expelled for being a manly man. Besides, I'm on the committee myself; I cant act as judge and witness too. You must apply to Paramore: he saw it all.