Poisoned Apples (5 page)

S
ays the tag, as if my breasts are

packets of no-cal sugar substitute.

I guess “Sour Nothings” would be

a hard sell. Ditto for “The Opposite of

Something” or “Sunken Chest.”

(Unless they really worked the pirate theme.)

Still, what a name for a training bra.

And anyway—training bra?

Are my boobs in obedience class?

Does this mean they'll stop playing dead?

How stupid that all I have to do

is grow two squishy lumps and suddenly

I'm man's best friend.

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Weight Watchers

I
f only I'd stopped at the front door.

If only I'd resisted the windows,

the shingles, the eaves, the gutters,

the cornices, drainpipes, and siding.

Now my poor brother Hansel is locked away

when it should be me in there,

the bony crone prodding and poking

and measuring my every mouthful.

Yet sometimes there are advantages

to having no self-control. Just yesterday,

for instance, I licked a bit of Hansel's cage,

and it tasted like peppermint fudge.

You know how I am about fudge bars—

I can never eat just one.

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To My Sheep,
Wherever You Are

I
followed advice. Left you alone. Stopped

scanning tree trunks for snagged fleece

till I was so tired I napped under a haystack,

only to open my eyes to that empty,

overgrown meadow. Again.

But I'm happy now. I have a new job

at the library, where all the books are arranged

so they're easy to find. Even then there are no

guarantees, which is why I steal my favorites

and stack them beside my bed. I keep them

safe from the man who likes to read

in the tub, the toddler with the Sharpie marker,

the woman who stands at the circulation desk

telling me she's looked everywhere. Really,

she doesn't know what happened, it's just

gone.

 

Art TK

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First Semester Haiku

Science Project

We smoked Earl Grey tea

to see if it would get us

high. Results unclear.

Virgin Math

How many inches

does it have to go in? Like,

does just the tip count?

Art History Lesson

Rubenesque
: the word

for masterpiece curves. Screw you,

unsalted rice cakes.

World Lit.

Jane Eyre
fan fiction.

Under her demure wool dress

“Mad Woman” tattoo.

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Vindictive Punctuation

U
se a
period
at the end of a declarative sentence.

EXAMPLE: You have five new pimples.

Also use a
period
at the end of an imperative sentence

that does not express strong emotion.

EXAMPLE: Get some concealer.

Use a
question mark
after an interrogative sentence.

EXAMPLE: Do you really think that concealer is fooling anyone?

Use an
exclamation mark
after a sentence

that expresses strong emotion.

EXAMPLE: Sheila looks great today!

Use a
comma
to separate words

and phrases in a series.

EXAMPLE: Sheila has black hair, blue eyes, and

unbelievable skin.

Use a
semicolon
when a conjunction is omitted; it indicates

a greater degree of separation than a comma.

EXAMPLE: Sheila went to the homecoming dance with Jeff; you stayed home

and tried a medicated face mask.

Use a
colon
to start a list or to formally introduce

a statement.

EXAMPLE: You bought three things at the drugstore: acne wash, benzoyl peroxide cream,

and a one-pound bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

Use double
quotation marks
around a direct quotation.

EXAMPLE: The dermatologist said, “Picking causes scarring.”

Use an
apostrophe
to show possession, as in
Sheila's boyfriend
,

or in a contraction, as in
You're
(for
you are
)
alone
.

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The Elves
and the Anorexic

F
or my party I set out brownies

and a double batch of peach cobbler.

My friends tumble in,

talking, laughing, grabbing for spoons.

Off to the side I sip Pepsi Zero

and watch, like the shoemaker

in the story, as they do the work

better than I ever could.

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Runaway