Pole Position (7 page)

I wrapped my arms around my chest. It felt as though I was tearing myself apart. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t I just have played along, looked at the foxes, and not had this drama tonight?

“Can I hold you? Would that help?” His voice was exquisitely tender.

I nodded, and stepped into his embrace. All at once, I sobbed freely. He rocked me, shushed me, and waited for me to be ready to talk.

“It’s nothing bad, I mean I wasn’t raped or anything.” His arms tightened. “His name was Rob, and I thought I was in love with him. We met in my first year at University. When everyone paired off, I paired with him. We’d been in the student bar, I’d had a few drinks, and he told me it was time to get rid of my virginity. He wasn’t prepared to wait any longer, so we did it.”

I took a breath, could feel myself going hot with embarrassment. Did I dare tell Jon all of it?

“It wasn’t what I expected, but he said the first time is always a bit rough and messy, and it would get better.” Jon made a horrified sound in his throat, and I rushed on. He had to know, before he started to feel sorry for me. “We were together for most of that term, but it
didn’t
get better. I used to dread it, going to bed with him. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, told me I needed to do it more often to improve my technique. All my friends were sleeping with their boyfriends and kept telling me how great it was. They never talked about it hurting—they made it sound easy. So why couldn’t I do it properly?”

I took a breath, made myself continue. “He said I was lucky to have such a patient boyfriend—not many would put up with me and my obvious dislike of sex—and I should thank him for his willingness to teach me. If I tried to say no, he would get upset. I saw him smash a beer bottle on another student’s head one night after he’d been talking to me about a lecture. I was always scared he might hit me. He already hurt me enough.”

I paused, remembering the final, awful row we’d had. “It’s me. I’m just crap at sex. He said that with me, it was as exciting as fucking a sack of potatoes. I would never be able to satisfy a man. He called me a frigid bitch.” I finished in a whisper. My eyes were closed tight. I was ashamed of being me. “I dropped out of Uni. I just wanted to go home. And I haven’t had a boyfriend since.”

I lifted my head and stared at Jon, challenging him. “So you see, I’ve led you along under false pretenses. I can’t have any kind of physical relationship with you. I can’t be what you want. I’m just me.”

“How do you know what I want?” He wasn’t angry. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to sleep with you, but for heaven’s sake, that’s something we decide together. If, and I mean if, we decide to, it has to be something we both want.”

I hung my head and tried to rub the tears from my eyes. Why had I doubted him?

His voice was muffled against my hair. “You’ve had a bad relationship, and I feel so sorry for you. But Rob sounds like a total jerk, and you’ve only got his word to go on.” I flinched, but he held me firm. “It shouldn’t be rough, he really shouldn’t have hurt you, and he was absolutely wrong to force you. It’s called lovemaking for a reason. It can be the most wonderful thing ever, between the right people. I want you to try to put it behind you. You had your heart broken. Well, I’ve had mine broken too and yeah, it’s not fun. But you know what? It does get better.”

He guided me to the bed, sat down, and pulled me onto his lap, holding me tight in his arms. “I got married to Susie because it seemed like the right thing to do. We’d been a couple for ages, and it was at the point where our careers were just taking off. She wanted the commitment, said if I didn’t make an honest woman of her she would assume I didn’t love her enough. I was away a lot, and she started getting paranoid about me being unfaithful—kept accusing me of having affairs. I couldn’t understand why she would think that. I did everything I could to keep her happy. Then I found out she was screwing the director on the movie she was starring in,
and she’d been screwing the producer on the previous film.”

He stayed quiet a long time. “She told me it didn’t matter—it’s just what goes on while they’re making films. Apparently I was horribly old-fashioned for wanting her to be faithful, yet she was free to accuse me of sleeping with everyone from the maid to my manager’s wife.”

His voice was bitter, and I felt his pain.

“Like you, I just wanted to go home, but I had to see the season through first, otherwise I would have fucked up my career as well as my marriage. So, since I’d been accused of shagging anything in a skirt, that’s just what I did. And it didn’t make me feel any better.” He sighed. “Lying in bed next to the wrong woman is a million times lonelier than lying in bed alone.”

We were wrapped around each other, sprawled on this huge bed in a soothingly darkened room. The evening light had gone completely now, we just had the moonlight creeping in. It was strangely comfortable and when he went to move, I snuggled closer into his arms.

“Please,” I whispered, my voice croaky after all the tears. “Can we stay here a little longer, just like this?”

His arms tightened round me in response, and he pressed a kiss onto my hair. I closed my eyes. After our confessions, I felt so close to him. The prospect of Jon breaking things off with me made my heart ache. I knew it was only a short time away, and again, I wanted to put off that moment. As long as we lay there, entwined with each other, he was with me, and that was enough.

“Anita?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I want to promise you something, and I want you to make a promise in return.”

I opened my eyes, scared again.

He paused. “I promise not to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. If I overstep the mark, you tell me, and I will stop. I will absolutely not force you into anything.”

“What do I have to promise?”

“To trust me and to believe me. Not all men are shits.”

“I promise.” I stared into his eyes. I could barely make them out in the darkness, but I knew he looked at me. His face bumped against mine, and our noses jogged together before our lips met. It was a soft and tender kiss, full of promise and hope, and I sighed, leaned back against his chest, and fell asleep.

I guessed we all needed perspective sometimes. The fury and frustration I’d felt with Susie was nothing in comparison to this. Anita’s ex-boyfriend—I couldn’t even think of a description vile enough for him and what he’d done to her—made me want to explode. Slow castration with a rusty knife would be too good a punishment for him.

I lay awake a long time, thinking about how I’d repay him for what he had so casually and callously done to Anita.

Would we ever be able to have a full, loving relationship, or would we always be physically distant? The prospect made me uneasy, as did the idea that I was involved with her now. My plans to stay unattached had crumbled the moment we started talking. I could no more walk away from her, than I could fly to the moon.

I dropped a series of light kisses along her hairline as she slept, and she sighed and nestled against me, reminding me of a kitten seeking comfort. I blew out a calming breath. When we’d set out this evening—God, it felt like a lifetime ago—I’d thought longingly of spending the night with her, but not like this. I reached down to slide off her sandals, kicked off my boots, and pulled the quilt over us. I needed some sleep since I had to race tomorrow. To keep my chances in the championship, I had to win.

****

I woke just before six in the morning, feeling stiff, and discovered that I’d dozed sitting up, with Anita lying half across my lap. My left leg had gone numb, and I badly needed the bathroom. I’d have to wake her.

“Sweetheart.” I kissed her face and stroked her hair. “Anita, you need to wake up.”

She grunted, opened her eyes and gazed up at me, still half asleep. “Hello, you,” she murmured. “I was dreaming about you.”

I couldn’t help smiling; she looked adorable. “Hello, you,” I replied, kissing her lightly. I waited a moment to let her get her bearings. It didn’t take long.

“Oh God!” She sat up, wide-eyed and startled, and looked round the room, now lit with the early morning sunshine. “Did we sleep together?”

“Yes,” I kept my voice even, “but that was all. Look, we’re still fully dressed.”

Memories of the night before must have flooded back to her. She hung her head, red-faced. “I think I’d better go home,” she mumbled indistinctly.

“
Hey
.” I cupped her cheeks and kissed her again. “I’m going to take you home. I just need the bathroom first, okay?”

She nodded, and then looked at me fully. “Thank you, Jon, for being you.”

We managed to slip quietly out of the house, without disturbing anyone else, and I drove her home. Anita was quiet and subdued again. As we pulled up outside her house, she turned to me and waited for me to switch off the engine. “I know you made me a promise last night, but, well, you don’t have to keep it. I’ll understand.” Her voice was strained.

I was tired, and frustrated. How could I prove myself to her, before she realized I wasn’t just another arsehole? I sighed and forced myself to be calm. “Anita, I made you a promise, and you made one back. It wouldn’t mean very much if we abandoned them so soon, would it?”

She leaned forward and kissed me fully. “I just wanted to be sure. Do you still want me to come and watch you this afternoon?”

“Yes, of course.” A thought struck me. “Why don’t you pick up some clean clothes and come back home with me? We can go together.”

Her face lit up, then fell again. “I have a lesson this morning. It wouldn’t be fair to drop out without any notice.”

“Okay.” I was in no mood to negotiate. I was desperate for a pot of strong coffee and a hot shower. Right now, I wasn’t fit to hurl a racing car around a track at break-neck speeds, and I needed to get my head together. If Tom, my manager, saw me in this disheveled state, he’d probably scratch my entry.

I kissed Anita, leaned across to open her door, and then saw the Drunken Pixie running down the path toward us. I groaned in disbelief.

Colette hurried to my car and hugged Anita as she scrambled out. “Anita! Where have you been? I’ve been so worried.”

Anita looked longingly back at me. “I stayed at Jon’s.”

Colette glanced back at me with raised eyebrows, before focusing on Anita. “Do you know where Danny is?”

My hackles came up as Anita frowned. I still wasn’t sure what to think about him, I was convinced he fobbed me off when I tried to ring her.

“He hasn’t come home yet either,” Colette cried. “Clare hasn’t seen him, and you haven’t. Where is he?”

I felt like repeatedly banging my head against the steering wheel. Who cared where he’d gone? I was sure Anita would come and ask for my help, but to my utter relief she came back to the car and kissed me again, then told me to go home.
Thank God.
Coping with any more domestic drama was beyond me right then.

She waved at me as I drove off, and I feasted my eyes on her. She looked tall and serene, and strangely composed. I’d be seeing her again in just a few hours, so why did it feel as though she was saying goodbye?

It was hard to explain how confident I felt as I waved Jon off. We’d spent the night together, and I was convinced he
could
be trusted. He’d soothed me, talked to me, let me sob all over him, and encouraged me to open up and tell him everything.

A sanity check prickled at the back of my mind. Rob had told me to trust him, and I had. So why would this be different? The simple answer was that
Jon
was different. I loved the feeling of his skin against mine. Holding his hand felt completely natural, and when we kissed, I never wanted to let him go.

We had chemistry. That hard to define
zing
that drew me to him like iron filings to a magnet. I’d never felt that with Rob, nor even come close. Maybe that had been the root of our issues in bed? I wasn’t turned on. Rob wasn’t the right guy for me.

Colette buzzed round me, asking about my night with Jon. I didn’t tell her any more, other than it had been incredible. What happened between us was private. And I knew when I finally plucked up the courage, it
would
be incredible. Already I was thinking in terms of
when
, rather than
if
.

It was odd Danny had also been out all night, but he was a law unto himself. He was no concern of mine. I had a ton of jobs to do at the stables this morning, and my boyfriend would be racing this afternoon. I paused and savored the moment.
I had a boyfriend.

****

My class was scheduled for ten o’clock. In theory, I should have had plenty of time to exercise Sam and do all my jobs beforehand, and have a shower before I left for the race. Danny was nowhere to be seen, and a message from Clare said she’d be out until lunchtime, but even that didn’t put a dent my mood.

I sang as I worked. The radio played all my favorite songs as I mucked out and replenished Sam’s stable, and doled out the day’s jobs to the juniors. Clare had a number of liveries, privately owned horses that lived at our stables and paid Clare to look after them. It was a sunny day and most of them would be needed for riding later. They had to be groomed and tidied before their owners arrived, and I asked Shelley, as the most experienced junior, to bring the livery horses up from the field.

My class had almost finished when Bev, another one of the juniors, burst into the arena and ran straight to my side. Her hair was wild, her face flushed, and she looked petrified.

She clutched her side as though she had a stitch from running. “
Anita
. It’s Topaz. You need to come.
Now
. Shelley was leading him from the field and he was spooked by a pheasant. He galloped up the track but then he stumbled.” Bev dragged in a shaky breath and moved closer. “He’s lame.”

Shit
.

My heart plummeted to my boots. I hoped it wasn’t serious, but we needed a vet right away. I’d teased Clare about marrying the local vet, but it made it easier to get hold of him in an emergency.

I sent Bev to phone Clare, her husband Mark, and Danny. Anyone she could raise. We also needed to phone the owner, and I wasn’t looking forward to that.

I quickly dismissed the class, and left another of the juniors to take the repeat bookings and payments, and sort out the ponies, while I ran down the track. There was no time to stop and panic, I had to act fast.

Poor Topaz. He was a handsome and sweet-natured chestnut, who now stood shivering on the track, one foreleg raised in the classic picture of an unhappy horse. I felt his leg as gently as I could, apologizing to him as he flinched and snorted. Thank God, it wasn’t broken. The fetlock felt hot and swollen though, and my plans for leaving on time became more unlikely by the minute.

It took me almost an hour to coax the miserable horse the remaining hundred-meters back to the yard, limping and grumbling with every slow step. At this rate, I’d be lucky to get to Oulton Park at all, never mind see Jon race, but I had to swallow down my disappointment. I couldn’t walk away from this mess.

Clare and Mark arrived in a flurry, just before the owner, and in the midst of all this, we had the regular clients coming and going, people turning up for lessons and hacks, and the usual levels of chaos. I checked my watch and saw it was almost two o’clock.

I was horribly late, and I’d no way of contacting Jon to tell him. I hadn’t taken his mobile number, and I cringed at the thought of calling the racetrack and finding someone to take a message. I’d just have to hope I got there before it was all over.