Portraits (54 page)

Soon the door opened, and Henry stood framed in the entrance. He smiled at Doris, then asked the patient to come in.

Sitting alone now, she was free to admire the reception room Henry had so painstakingly decorated.

After the patient left, Henry said, “God, I’m glad to see you, honey.”

She kissed him and went into his office. She wondered how many patients he’d seen today. There were only three charts on his desk, but she didn’t want to pry.

After he wrote up his case histories, he smiled at her and said, “What brought you downtown, darling?”

“I had lunch with Rachel. It was so nice to talk with her again, just the way it used to be.”

“How is she?”

“Fine, sends her best. And Jim and the baby are great. I really had a lovely day.”

“Good. How’d you like to cap it off by staying downtown to have dinner? Besides, we have to make the move into our own apartment tomorrow.”

“Really, Henry? I’d love to.”

It would be a relief to be free of
all
families. They’d really be starting their marriage. It would be wonderful, she told herself…wanting desperately to believe it…

A
T NINE THE NEXT
morning Henry packed their suitcases in the car. They kidded Henry’s mother, and Doris thanked her for all she had done. Mrs. Levin shyly said it had been a joy to have them.

When they stepped into the apartment, Henry took her in his arms and hugged her. “Well, here we are. This is the real beginning…I wish I didn’t have to go to the office today, but I’ll help you out tonight. If you need anything, call…I love you very much, Doris.”

“And I love you, Henry.” It was getting easier to say now, and she truly meant it. Except the moment he shut the door behind him she didn’t
feel
like a new bride in her first love nest. What in God’s name was wrong with her? She was supposed to be all trembly with excitement, but something down deep was weeping.

She went into the small kitchen and began to line the shelves with paper, then she unpacked the carton of dishes they’d brought back from mama’s on Sunday. She washed them and put them inside the cupboard but her hand was trembling so that she dropped a cup, and it fell to the floor and shattered.

She sat on the floor and just looked at the pieces. Doris, what’s wrong with you? Get used to the idea that this is it. Just because Henry placed a ring on your finger you thought you were going to turn into a fairy princess? Yes, dummy, you did…you thought getting married would bring instant magic into your life, that it would change you into a whole new different person…Wake up, Doris.
Grow
up…

At eleven o’clock the doorbell rang. It was Redlick’s. One of the two husky men asked, “Where do you want this?”

Doris looked at the couch. “Well, bring it in and we’ll see.”

They tried getting it through the door, twisting and turning, but it didn’t fit.

“We’ll have to take the door off the hinges, lady.”

Off came the door and in went the sofa.

Mama and papa had selected the sofa while she was at work, so she had never seen it before. It was kidney-shaped, persimmon-colored, oversized…The nine-by-twelve rug was no better. Next came the large matching chair and two smaller chairs in a
green
green. All three occasional tables were red mahogany. The gray-painted dinette set with the four matching chairs was at least the right size. She then directed the movers to the bedroom…

When the movers left she walked from room to room, shaking her head in disbelief. Her fantasies had run toward chintz, Currier and Ives prints, brass, copper and—the doorbell was ringing.

She opened it. It was mama, laden with food.

“Here, Doris, take this.”

She took the pot of soup to the kitchen and went back to help with the rest.

“How are you, mama?”

“Exhausted. This stuff was heavy and I had to carry it for two blocks. Couldn’t find a place to park.”

Doris kissed her mother. “You shouldn’t have done all this.” She
shouldn’t
.

“Well, you had to have something to eat, didn’t you? Let me take a look at the furniture.”

Sara stood in the livingroom, then looked at Doris. “Is this lovely?”

“Beautiful, mama…”

“You like it? Papa and I knew you would. Here, let me arrange it.”

“Aren’t you too tired?”

“I always work hard, so what’s new?”

They pushed and tugged at the furniture and finally Sara stood back to examine her handiwork. “Perfect. See what a difference arrangements make? What do you think?” She beamed. “Now let’s see the bedroom.”

Doris followed her down the short hallway. Sara stood in the doorway, taking it all in. “Beautiful. Is this a beautiful set?”

“Beautiful, mama. In my wildest dreams I never thought I’d ever own anything like it.”

“If you waited for Henry—well, let me help you make the bed.” That accomplished she said, “Well, Doris, you got your home.”

“Yes, mama, thanks to you and papa.”

Stop it, she lectured herself…so it isn’t what your little heart wanted. It’s mama being kind to you, at least trying to please…in her fashion. Don’t be a snot…You’ll
learn
to like it, to love it—just like with Henry…

And all unaccountably Doris started to cry, and she heard herself saying, “I love you, mama. Thank you…thank you for everything.”

“Well, Doris, if I didn’t do it, who would?”

“No one, mama, no one…”

“I know you’re crying from happiness. I remember my first apartment. In fact, I’ll never forget it. It was a lot prettier than I have now, if you can believe it, and your father was a lot poorer, but I guess a bride’s first home is something she never forgets.”

They were on two separate tracks—mama going on about her life, Doris trying to believe mama really was here with her, caring about her the way she wanted her to…so much so that at this moment, at least, she really did believe…“I love you, mama…And I need you very much—”

“Well, I’m here.”

Suddenly the furniture didn’t seem quite so ugly, nor—more important—did it really matter…

It was getting on toward five when Sara put the food on the stove to heat. Doris sat in the breakfast room and watched. Mama seemed very happy.

“Papa should be here any minute, Doris.”

Doris prayed he’d be nice to Henry. It would mean so much to her after the good day she’d had with mama. They hadn’t had
one
word of disagreement. Of course, she’d been careful to stay away from things that might have started an argument—like when mama had asked if she had spoken to Rachel and she had lied and said no.

Henry came home soon after papa arrived, and was, understandably, surprised to see Sara and Jacob. He would have preferred to spend the first night in their home alone. He kissed Sara on the cheek, said he was glad to see her and shook hands with Jacob.

When Doris hugged him, he knew she was happy and he wasn’t about to spoil it. She took him by the hand and led him to the livingroom. “Isn’t it beautiful, Henry?”

She squeezed his hand hard, and he got the message. “Thank you, Sara…Jacob. You’ve made Doris very happy.”

It made Doris very happy? And you, doctor, are you going to enjoy it with her…But tonight, Sara used restraint. “We’ve always tried to make Doris happy. Jacob, are you proud? A little different than when we got married, wouldn’t you say?”

Sure, my mother-in-law gave such a lot…“That’s what good parents do for their kids.”

“Thank you, papa. Now come and see the bedroom, and you too, Henry.”

“Hurry up. Dinner is ready,” Sara called out, holding to her priorities.

When Doris and Henry finally lay next to each other in their very own bed—their very first—Doris said, “It’s
pretty
, isn’t it, Henry?”

“We’ve gone through this, honey. I’m very happy.”

“The folks were too. Didn’t you think so?”

“I’m sure they were—”

There was an edge to his voice. “What’s wrong, Henry?”

He paused, not wanting to hurt her but knowing it had to be said. “Well, it’s not the most unusual thing for parents to furnish an apartment when a daughter gets married, but your parents would have us think it’s never been done before.”

“You sound a little strange, Henry, almost like you resent them—”

“I don’t resent them, I just don’t think it’s all that unusual a thing for parents to do. They can afford it, you know…”

It’s more than you could have done…Oh, God, she was beginning to think like mama. “I suppose you’re right, honey…I just wish you’d said
you
appreciated it—”

“I do, but I’m not going to kiss their toes, and I’m sorry, but that’s what they want me to do.”

And Doris started to cry, not because of what he said but because she knew he was right, and it still upset her…

“For God’s sake, please, stop crying…” Sara and Jacob really weren’t going to be satisfied until he kissed their feet. What a lucky guy Jim Ross was. He had enough money to tell Jacob to go to hell, and Rachel had been so fortified by his strength that she could just walk out of their lives. But Doris was an insecure little girl, and he was afraid he was going to have to bow and scrape to them for the rest of his life just to make her less frightened of them, to keep her from falling apart…maybe even leaving him…

The next evening Doris met Henry at the door after work, all hugs and kisses. She was very proud of herself…she’d cleaned the apartment, cooked, washed his underwear and some towels…today she honestly felt like a housewife. She fairly beamed as she served him a bowl of Campbell’s tomato soup.

“Honey, now don’t feel badly about this, but I don’t much like canned soup, especially tomato.”

God, she didn’t even know what he liked to eat. “We have tuna casserole…”

“I never had that in my life…how about some scrambled eggs?”

“You won’t even give it a whirl?”

“Honey, I don’t really like tuna, in or out of a casserole.”

So, he didn’t like tuna. Well, she’d learned all about sex…now it was foodtime…Come to think of it, she did remember that he liked steak, which cost a fortune, and chicken, which she had had up to her eyeballs all these years at home…“How do you like your eggs, Henry?”

“Scrambled, please, well-done with no whites showing.”

She put some butter in the frying pan, beat the eggs until they were thick and foaming, then poured them into the melted butter and stirred…“Here, how are these?”

“Great, may I have some toast?”

She popped the bread into the toaster.

Doris watched him eat as she played with the tuna casserole on her plate. “I’m sorry about the dinner, dear. Tell me what else you like.”

“Just plain food, no sauces and nothing highly seasoned.”

“What about desserts?”

“Apple pie, custard…We’ll work it out, honey, don’t worry. Now, how did your day go?”

“I cleaned and washed, then I cooked this sumptuous meal.” She laughed.

“Listen, it’s not your fault if you have a crazy husband who doesn’t like every food there is.”

“I have the best husband in the world, and the kindest.”

“That’s a big thing with you, isn’t it, Doris?”

“Without kindness, what have you got?”

Henry smiled and took her hand in his. “I called your mother this afternoon, thanked her…”

“You did? That was sweet…”

“And so was she. I suppose she has a problem with insecurity too. She wants to be told she’s important.”

“Don’t most people?”

“Of course they do. I told you in the beginning you were mature—”

“For my age, you said.”

“For any age. And you’re also beautiful. I hope you realize
that
by now.”

“No. Henry, you’re the first person who ever told me that and meant it. And do you know something else? You’re the first person who ever called me by an affectionate name. When you called me ‘honey’ for the first time I couldn’t get over it for days.”

“I’m going to keep on doing it for the rest of my life.”

“Henry, you’re the most…comfortable person I’ve ever been with. Also, doctor, I love you, I really do.”

Keep thinking it, Doris…

That night as she lay close to him she realized how truly important he was to her. No…she wasn’t in love with him, and the truth was that she never would be. But she loved him with all her heart, the way you did a best and beloved friend. There was a gentleness she had needed all her life, and that above all was what he had brought to her. She might never have more with him, but what she had was more than most people ever achieved in a marriage, for all their claims and pretending about how much they were in love.

“Doris…”

“Yes?”

“Doris, I’ve thought carefully about this. I think we should have a child…”

Oh God…let’s wait and get a little more used to each other. Let me adjust more to being your wife and learn how to be a…person. I need at least a year, how can I be a mother when I don’t even know who I am?…But then a residue of the old fears surfaced; if she didn’t please him, maybe he wouldn’t love her…and she needed so badly to be loved…

“I’m thirty-three, Doris, and it’s getting sort of late for me,” she heard him say.

But Jim Ross had a baby at forty-three and it didn’t seem to worry him. Except, she reminded herself, that wasn’t a fair comparison. Jim had been married before, had already had a child. Of course it didn’t worry him, but this was Henry’s first marriage, first child…

“Darling, I want to be young enough to grow up with my child. I’ll be thirty-four this October.”

And if I get pregnant tonight, in nine months I’ll be nineteen…But I owe Henry a lot. He rescued me, and when things get rough with mama and papa he’ll always be there…

“I’d love a baby,” he whispered. “Wouldn’t you, darling?”

The tenderness in his voice touched her, and maybe it would be the best thing that ever happened to her…a child to devote herself to, something of her
own
, someone to love and to be loved by…“Yes, Henry, I would.”

Henry was jubilant when Doris told him, “Don’t start handing out cigars yet, dear, but the rabbit died.”

“Oh, Doris, I’m the happiest man in the world—”