Postcards to America (10 page)

With the black high-heeled shoes gone since the previous day, “Corner” improvised on the footwear and pushed a pair of black loafers into service. Because they were a size too large for him, he inserted a piece of cardboard into each of the shoes to make them fit his feet. People still stopped and pointed as he walked along and one young boy shouted to his mother: ‘Ma! Ma! Look at her with her dress hanging down at the back’.

Excellent, excellent, thought “Corner”, they can’t see through my disguise. Just goes to show what a good idea using a disguise proved to be.

“Corner’s” eyes scanned the street. No recognizable face swam into view. With a flourish of the red polka dotted dress, he entered the charity shop.

The elderly woman behind the counter, wearing the wrong glasses and using a hearing aid with a mind of its own, greeted him. She didn’t recognize the face – because all she could see was a blurred outline – but she did remember the red polka dotted dress.

‘The colour suits you,’ the woman said, ‘goes with your complexion.’

“Corner” stood and pirouetted. ‘You really think so?’ he said.

‘What can I do for you young woman?’ the elderly woman asked, ever ready to be helpful.

‘I need a jacket and pants for my man.’

Unfortunately the woman’s hearing aid decided to malfunction as “Corner” spoke and all she heard of the sentence was, ‘I need my man.’

‘And I need my man too, ‘the elderly woman agreed. ‘Who would bring in the coal from the yard in the wintertime?’

“Corner’s” brain started to buzz. Things were not going to plan. Although he knew his present disguise to be foolproof, he thought it better to discard the woman’s persona after the social welfare officer made him display his “Willie”.

‘Jackets and pants, where are they?’ “Corner” adjusted the large hat still perched on his head.

This time the woman heard the word, “pants”.

‘Of course he wears pants when he goes out to bring in the coal. It’s cold in wintertime. Mind you, he has his long johns to keep him warm.’

“Corner” decided to search the shop for the items he wanted. At the rear of the premises he spotted a rack on which various coloured pants were hanging. As per his plan, he tried on several navy blue pants before he selected one that nearly fitted him. Walking up and down between the tightly spaced racks, he spotted a jacket that looked promising. Trying the navy blue jacket on, he looked at himself in a long mirror. Yes, he did look like a police officer. However, to complete his disguise he needed a cap and he found what he needed on a shelf under a pile of junk. The ex-railway worker’s cap would look the part if he removed the transport badge. He did just that. Then he looked at himself in the mirror. A perfect police officer, he thought. He practiced saluting for a few minutes.

Before leaving, “Corner” replaced the red polka dotted dress on the rack from whence he had “borrowed” it. The hat he replaced on a shelf loaded with other monstrosities. The tights he continued wearing inside his trousers.

As “Corner” approached the front of the shop, he noticed that the elderly assistant had her head below the counter top as she apparently rummaged for something. As “Corner” passed the counter she raised her head and spotting the vague outline of a figure in blue, asked, ‘Is everything all right, officer?’

‘Just keeping an eye on things for you,’ “Corner” replied.

Aren’t police officers just wonderful, the woman thought?

On leaving the charity shop, “Corner” faced his first problem. Should he stride out with his back straight as if full of purpose or should he slouch along, standing in the occasional doorway as he went? Unable to reach a decision, “Corner” decided to try both alternatives. Along the pavement he strode with his chest puffed out, counting, one, two and three, while people cleared a path for him. Then he would stop and stand in a doorway to survey the street scene.

A traffic police officer on a motorbike passed by and gave a salute. “Corner” responded to the salute with a vigorous wave.

“Corner’s” first big crisis came ten minutes later during a stop and observe phase. His vantage point at this moment happened to be opposite a set of traffic lights. A red car, driven by a woman driver, pulled up in obedience to a red light. Suddenly a white car, driven by a young male, who, not realizing that the red car had stopped, applied his brakes too late to stop safely. With a loud crunch the white car demolished the rear bumper of the woman’s car.

The woman stepped from her car obviously suffering from shock while the male driver emerged shouting obscenities.

“Corner’s” mind tried to work on the situation. What to do in this case? He needed inspiration. More than that; he needed to be gone from the scene.

Then both parties to the accident spotted him.

The young man toned down the swearing as “Corner” stepped towards the crashed cars.

The young man decided to get his say in first. ‘It is her fault, officer. She pulled up too fast and left me no time to stop. I tell you that it is her fault.’

“Corner” reached for a notebook and pen he forgot he didn’t possess and then withdrew his hand swiftly.

‘Officer,’ the woman said, turning to him, ‘he was going too fast and didn’t keep a proper distance. This accident is his fault.’

It’s not easy being a law enforcement officer, thought “Corner”. It would be easier if he possessed a six-gun.

“Corner’s” thoughts swirled and swept in his head. There must be a solution to this problem. Then a name pushed into the forefront of his brain. Goldwyn… Was it Goldwyn…? No it wasn’t Goldwyn. Then who…? Solomon…Yes, that was it, Solomon. The King who wanted to cut the baby into quarters.

“Corner” called the two drivers to his side. ‘I’ve noticed that both of you are driving the same make of car with identical bumpers. Therefore, that makes what I am going to say easier to implement. The bumper on the rear of the woman’s car has been damaged.’ “Corner” pointed to the young man. ‘So this is what you are going to do. You are going to remove your rear bumper and fit it to the rear of the woman’s car.’

‘I’m not agreeing to that,’ the young man said.

“Corner” put his arm around the young man’s neck and walked him to the rear of his vehicle.

“Corner” looked directly in the young man’s eyes as he spoke. ‘If you don’t agree to my proposal I’ll kick the S**T out of you. Go back and tell that woman that you agree to give her your rear bumper and any other any costs she may incur.’

The youth looked into “Corner’s’’ eyes. What he saw there made him hold his tongue.

‘Now go and tell the woman you agree to my proposal. Exchange details, make arrangements and don’t let me hear of any hiccups.’

Another job completed successfully by the “Masked Rider”, thought “Corner” as he continued up the street. I must remember to send a postcard or an email to Solomon.

The large poster in the window of the music store caught Liam’s attention as he passed. The poster announced the forthcoming concert by one of the country’s top pop bands “The Southwinds”. The four-man group was formed six years previously by an astute promoter and by dint of a very clever publicity campaign had notched up a string of hits. They were also responsible for wetting more panties than any other band in the history of pop.

Liam knew that Mary possessed all of the “Southwinds” records and he often heard her humming their tunes.

On impulse he phoned Mary and asked her if she would like to attend the concert. Mary showed enthusiasm for his suggestion so he went in and bought two front row tickets.

For days before the concert, the rigging crew was busy getting everything ready for the big night. The revolving stage had to turn at just the right speed. Several members of the crew were involved in this operation and when they finished a different section of the crew repeated the procedure. This is one of the reasons why supposedly successful bands can earn millions every year and end up owning money at the end of their careers. At strategic positions throughout the arena, large screens were set up so that those punters at the ends of the hall could see that the performers possessed plaque-free teeth and had clean noses.

Of course more important than the revolving stage and the large screens is the sound system. Where would the modern band be without the myriad speakers? When is the last time you were at a concert and the band continued when the sound system went dead? As one wag put it, without the sound system you could not hear some of these bands over a clothesline. Where the clothesline comes in is not known.

The day before the concert the band gathered in the arena for the rehearsal.

In the dressing room, Stefano De Lorean, previously known as Billy Reidy, combed his dyed hair and then combed it a second time. Stefano, known to his friends as “Stiff” and known to everybody else as a pain in the ass asked, ‘does my hair look ok?’

Dominic Leahy, born Dominic Leahy, and who refused to change his name despite pressure from the record company, lied and answered, ‘It’s standing out at the back’

A worried “Stiff” used one of his two combs and spent the next ten minutes fixing his hair.

In another corner of the room a black-haired member of the group named Clement Cassidy alternated between looking at his mobile phone and reading a comic book. A very popular member of the group, Clement was now a very rich young man despite his inability to sing a note. When he sang in the bath even the plastic ducks wanted to move out. Kieran Casey – nicknamed “Hot Sausage” after a childhood incident - took a drink from his flask. He could not stand the other members of the group but inertia and the money kept him from leaving.

For the next several hours, the group practised their routine watched over by their manager who fussed and fretted over his moneymaking quartet. Small catwalks had been erected on the revolving stage and individual members of the group climbed and descended the stairs leading to the catwalks, warbling as they did so and making sure that each member of the group could be seen from all parts of the arena.

Being the tallest in the group and the fittest, “Stiff” led the final medley, which was composed of some very fast Rock and Roll numbers. He grabbed the microphone stand and used it as a sex object thrusting it up and down and over his head. The routine as practised then called for each member of the band to join up with him for the grand climax of the evening when the lights would be dimmed and a laser light display would fill the arena to the sound of pre-recorded screams from teenage fans.

*

The queue for the concert stretched for several hundred feet from the entrance to the arena. Most of the concertgoers were female teenagers dressed in “Southwind” paraphernalia. From time to time a cry of, ‘ I love you Stefano,’ or, ‘Marry me Dominic,’ rang out, followed by a giggle.

Directly in front of Liam and “Punctual” Mary in the queue, two elderly women with blue rinse in their hair were discussing the various assets of the band members.

‘I wouldn’t be long loosening out “Stiff’s” stiffness,’ remarked one to the other with a laugh.

‘You haven’t got it in you,’ giggled her companion.

‘More is the pity.’

With that, the two women, with a few gin and tonics under their belts, doubled up laughing.

Liam and “Punctual” Mary smiled and shuffled along in the queue towards the entrance to the arena.

On the stage a rigger put the finishing touches to the stage set-up. Walking across the stage with his studded safety boots he tripped on some loose cable that had not been secured properly. Cursing loudly he picked himself up and continued with his work. Unknown to him the studded boots had stripped the plastic covering from two of the cables and exposed the wire beneath.

The management of the arena was proud of the cleanliness of their premises. To this end they employed several cleaners to make sure that this policy was upheld.

Sarah Miles went about her task with gusto. Her instructions were to sweep the stage of any remaining litter left there by the riggers. With the sweet papers and empty cigarette packets swept up, the conscientious Sarah got her mop and began mopping the stage. She also gave the cables that snaked across the back of the stage a rub of the mop. With the work done to her satisfaction she left the stage whistling a naughty ditty as she did so.

Liam and “Punctual Mary” took their ringside seats and conversed as the large arena filled up. The audience consisted mostly of teenagers with a smattering of parents overseeing their younger offspring. There would only be a short wait before the warm-up acts began.

The warm-up acts were good and Liam held Mary’s hand until the interval when he queued at a stall and bought Mary a scarf with the word “Southwinds” emblazoned on it.

In the “Southwinds” dressing room the manager gave them their final instructions. ‘Give it all you’ve got boys, ‘he instructed them, ‘this show is being recorded for television. And don’t forget your codpieces. The young ladies like to see lumps where you are supposed to have lumps.’

A wall of noise greeted the “Southwinds” when they appeared on stage dressed in black suits. They quickly launched into a selection of their old hits. Mary obviously enjoyed the band and sang along with the familiar tunes while Liam also felt himself getting in the mood.

For a few of their songs the band came together but mostly they climbed the stairs and used the catwalks constructed over the stage. This combined with the moving stage and images of the band projected on the giant screens gave a sense of continual movement.

After half an hour the band returned to their dressing room to change into the white suits in which they would perform their final set.

The band returned to the stage to a huge roar of approval.

Mary moved closer to Liam and held his hand tightly.

The band sang some numbers from their latest chart-topping album to the sound of teenage screams.

A laser light show started overhead, adding another dimension to the sensory intake.

Finally, with the audience wound up to fever pitch the “Southwinds” prepared for their grand finale.

Stefano moved into place opposite the microphone stand as the music started. Then, on cue, he grabbed the stand and swung it over his head. As he performed this movement the two bare wires touched and the microphone stand became live. A shock went through Stefano’s body and he could not let go of the stand. He started to vibrate like a tuning fork. The singer’s hair – despite many layers of lacquer – stood up like a spike.

‘Oh! Oh! Oh!’ Was all the vibrating singer could say.

Being the nearest to Stefano, Dominic immediately read the situation. Unfortunately he took the wrong action. He grabbed the vibrating Stefano by the shoulder and tried to pull him away from the stand. The current arced from Stefano to Dominic.

‘Ah! Ah! Ah! Was all the helpless Dominic could say.

Unaware that the happenings on stage were not part of the act Mary turned to Liam. ‘This must be a new song. I haven’t heard this Oh! Oh! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Intro before’.

The rest of the audience, similarly oblivious to the true nature of the happenings on stage joined in. Half the audience started shouting Oh! Oh! Oh! While the remainder shouted Ah! Ah! Ah!

On stage a puzzled Clement Cassidy wondered which of the singers to mime. This intro was also new to him. After a moments’ hesitation he decided to mime Oh! Oh! Oh! First and then follow with Ah! Ah! Ah!

The stage slowly revolved in front of Liam until the back of Stefano came into view.

Liam reached over and shouted to Mary. ‘Tell me if I am seeing things but is that smoke coming from Stefano’s hair.’

‘Looks like it,’ an incredulous Mary answered.

The top of Stefano’s suit now began to take on a distinctly dark colour.

The band’s manager, standing to the side of the stage began shouting, ‘Pull the plug! Pull the plug!’ He had visions of his future millions going down the drain. Holding his chest he collapsed in a heap.

Suddenly, a technician cut the power to the stage and Stefano and Dominic fell in a heap onto the stage floor.

The audience, finally realising the gravity of the situation fell into a hushed silence occasionally broken by the sound of teenage sobbing.

F**K this thought Kieran Casey, removing the hip flask from his pocket and taking a long swig.

It looks like my miming career is over, mused Clement Cassidy, looking at the two members of the group still twisting on the stage.

Medical staff employed by the arena rushed on stage and administered first aid to the hapless singers. Minutes later they were taken from the arena and rushed to hospital.

A spokesman came on stage and asked the patrons to leave the arena in an orderly fashion.

‘Well that was a concert to remember,’ remarked Liam to “ Punctual” Mary as they made their way to the exit.

‘Sure was,’ replied Mary, ‘We now have a topic of conversation for the rest of our lives.’

Dominic recovered first: he only spent a month in hospital. However, he was left with one life-changing problem: because of the shakes he would never be able to hold a pint glass in one hand again.

The band’s manager recovered eventually after his successful triple bypass operation.

Stefano’s equipment remained stiff for twenty-four hours after the accident but the only people who cared were the nurses. They took turns to give him bed baths. He received more bed baths in a day that other patients got in a week.

After three months Stefano felt sufficiently recovered to enter public life once more. But like Dominic, Stefano was left with one life-changing problem: he would never be able to get his hair to lie flat again.