Present Perfect (14 page)

“Is there a point to you?” I abruptly asked.

“You think you’re better than me, don’t you?”

“I don’t
think
I’m better.”

“I can see why Noah said he would never hook up with you. He thinks you’re a stuck up bitch. In fact, he told me and Beth, he’s been trying to ditch you since the beginning of our freshman year. He just didn’t know how to get rid of you. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings, I guess. Now that you know, why don’t you leave him alone? He and Beth look great together. They’re perfect.”

I could feel the tears prick my eyes. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol making her an uber-bitch or it was just her natural state of being. She knew my weak spot and hit it dead on. I would not give her the satisfaction of thinking she had made me cry.

Pushing through the crowd, I walked quickly across the dance floor to the exit. I could hear her laughing the entire way.

Once outside the night air hit me in the face. I took a couple of deep breaths trying to calm myself. I needed to be alone. Around the corner of the building, there were steps that led up to the top floor of the gym, set back into an alcove, with a brick wall on either side, that would allow me some privacy until my parents came to pick me up. I walked up a few steps and sat down. When I knew I was safely tucked away out of sight, I covered my face with my hands and let the tears flow.

I hated that I let Brittani upset me that much. The combination of Noah ignoring me, the picture of him touching her, and her insinuating he wanted me out of his life, devastated me. I felt like I was free falling and there was nothing for me to grab a hold of. I knew what she basically said was true, I wouldn’t be with him like that, but she didn’t have to be such an ugly bitch about it.

My parents were to pick me up in a half hour and I planned on staying put until then. I took a few more deep breaths, trying to stop the tears. When it felt like I was finally getting them under control, I heard footsteps approaching. I scooted up as close to the wall as I could, hoping they would just walk on by. It was completely dark on the steps, so no one could see me. The only light in the area was a small pool of light that spilled over from the outside of the music building. The footsteps got closer and closer, and then suddenly stopped. I held my breath.

“Tweet?”

I looked up and saw Noah’s head peering around the wall, up the steps and right at me. I hadn’t heard him say my name in three days. He hadn’t really looked at me in three days. Maybe Brittani was telling the truth and Noah did want me out of his life now.

“Hey,” I choked on the one word.

“Are you okay?” He stepped closer and stopped at the bottom of the steps. I couldn’t let him see me with tears streaming down my cheeks. I stayed seated in the dark and tried to sound nonchalant.

“I’m fine. What’cha doing out here?” I wasn’t successful at hiding the shakiness in my voice.

“I was about to ask you the same thing. I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“Yeah, well, it was kind of a last minute thing. How’d you know I was here?”

“I saw you cross the dance floor and I followed you. Plus, you seem to be molting again, Tweet.” He smiled at me and held up two yellow taffeta flowers from my skirt that had fallen off. No doubt the two that I had abused the most on the ride over here. “Can I sit next to you?”

A sharp pain pierced my stomach as my chest began to tighten. I quickly wiped under my eyes and stood up, but stayed in place. “No, I’m getting ready to leave. My parents will be here soon.”

“Why are you crying, Tweet?” His voice was warm and caring.

I had to think of something to tell him, so I lied. “Because my date dumped me half way through this stupid dance and ran off to dance with another girl.”

“Point him out and I’ll kick his ass. Any guy who would leave you is a douchebag.”

“Well, I seem to have an overabundance of them right now.” I cringed when that slipped out of my mouth. I didn’t want to argue with Noah. I just wanted him back.

Chuckling, he asked, “Would you do me a favor?”

“Depends on what it is.”

Noah extended his hand in my direction. “Dance with me?”

“I can’t go back in there, Noah. My parents are expecting me outside, so...”

“We don’t have to go inside,” he paused. “Please, Tweet.”

I couldn’t see his face clearly, but his voice was cracking as if he were fighting back tears. I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and slowly walked down the stairs.

I took Noah’s hand and he guided me down the last few steps. We took a couple of steps back, landing us in the small pool of light. Noah slipped his other arm around my waist and pulled me in close. My breath hitched. I had chills from head to toe. He let go of my hand, palmed one side of my face and wiped my tears away with his thumb. Leaning his forehead against mine, he whispered, “You look beautiful. I like your hair up.”

I looked down hoping he wouldn’t notice my blood shot eyes. “There’s no music,” I said, softly.

Noah removed his hand from my face and wrapped his arm around my waist. My hands found their way behind his neck. Pressing his cheek to the side of my head, he placed his mouth right at my ear. We began to gently sway back and forth. In a low, barely audible voice, Noah started to sing ‘
Everything’.

I shut my eyes tight. It was impossible for me to stop the tears from rolling down my face. I knew I had missed him over the past few days, but I didn’t realize how much until right now in his arms, where I felt safe. My body started shaking. I was no longer able to control my sobs. I burrowed my face into his chest. Noah stopped singing and tightened his hug.

He whispered in my ear, “I’m sorry. I’ve missed you so much. I tried to stay away until the urge to touch you went away, but it’s just gotten stronger.”

“Noah…,” was all I could choke out between sobs.

“You’ve always been my girl and always will be. No one will ever take me away from you, Tweet. You’re my heart and soul and that’s never going to change, no matter what you say.”

There was no other place on earth I wanted to be except in Noah’s arms, listening to his words. I was desperate to be with him. I was so in love with him that nothing else mattered. I barely survived three days without him. Maybe if I’m extremely careful and we take it super slow, we could be together. I could talk to Emily and find out what happened with her and Tyler, so it wouldn’t happen to me and Noah. In a split second, I decided I was going to tell him I loved him and had to be with him.

I took in a deep breath, “Noah, I …” Abruptly my words were interrupted by the sound of Beth calling his name. It broke the spell that was over us and we both took a step back.

“There you are,” Beth said as she rounded the corner. “Oh, hey Amanda. I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“It was a last minute thing.” Noah and I never took our eyes off one another.

Beth looked back and forth between the two of us. “What are you guys doing out here, anyway?”

“I wasn’t feeling well and needed some fresh air. Noah came out to check on me,” I answered.

“Are you okay now?”

“Not really. My parents will be here any minute, though.”

“Good.” Beth grabbed Noah’s arm and began to tug him away. “Come on.”

Noah had his feet planted, never budging. His eyes were still glued to me. “Did you have something you wanted to tell me, Tweet?”

I looked into those beautiful bright eyes that held love, pain, and longing. I knew they matched mine perfectly. I’m a firm believer in the theory that everything happens for a reason.

This belief helped me answer his question. “No. I was done.” I whispered. Disappointment and frustration crossed his face.

Beth tugged on his arm a little more forcefully. “We need to get back in there. We haven’t even danced together yet.” Surprise flashed in my eyes.

Before he let her pull him away, he gave me a slight smile. “Goodnight, Tweet,” he called back over his shoulder as he was being led away.

“Goodnight, Noah,” my voice was so soft it was almost a whisper. “You’re my heart and soul, too.”

Daily affirmations are… What’s the word? Oh yeah, BULLSHIT.

There are thousands and thousands of books trying to convince you how wonderful you are. The authors don’t know you. How could they possibly affirm that you’re good enough, just the way you are? There are a lot of pure unadulterated losers in the world. (Holla to my peeps!).

These books are filled with, a one size fits all mentality. Besides, I’m suspicious of people who say they love everyone for who they are. It smacks of cultism.

(Smacks is a funny word. Smacks… smacks… smacks…Sounds like a kid eating. Oh great…Now I’m hungry.)

Then the kumbaya authors say you can make up an affirmation that fits your personality and say this to yourself throughout the day. Even if I came up with my own positive affirmation, why would I listen to myself? What do I know? I’m a freaking loser. If I could talk myself into feeling better about myself, I wouldn’t have purchased your stupid books.

(Wonder if there’re still cheese doodles in the pantry.)

Since kindergarten, I have worked my ass off to achieve my goals. I wasn’t a natural at anything. As much time and effort as I put into a project, I always fell short. If I aimed for an A+ in a class, I would get an A-. I’ve spent countless hours trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Why do I have this compulsion for perfection? I know in my mind, I won’t achieve it, but need kicks in and overpowers any logical thoughts. I can always find a flaw in everything I do, and when that happens, the cycle begins.

I wallow in my feelings of inadequacy and mediocrity for several days. When I can’t stand myself any longer, I give myself a pep talk. I tell myself that this is a vicious cycle that I need to stop. The only thing it accomplishes is making me feel worse. That pep talk usually lasts me for about an hour before the cycle begins again. I don’t know how to stop something that is so engrained in who I am.

When my parents praised Emily for a job well done, I could hear the pride and excitement in their voices. When I received any praise from them, I thought I heard disappointment in their voices. I knew they weren’t disappointed in me, but somehow I detected a certain tone or inflection in their voice that made me feel as if I had let them down.

When you can trace your feelings of inadequacy back to a specific event that you can pinpoint, you’re able to see it from a different perspective as you get older, and possibly change your viewpoint. When these feelings seep into the makeup of your personality little by little, year after year, you don’t realize when they’ve taken over until they prevent you from getting something or someone you want more than anything in the world, and then it’s too late.

I believe my parents took pride in me to a certain degree. It just didn’t feel the same to me as their pride in Emily. They saw all the hard work I put into school. When I fell short of perfect, which I always did, I could see pity in their eyes. They felt sorry for me.

School was all I had. I didn’t take part in a sport, I didn’t dance, nor play an instrument. I studied. That was my
thing
. Emily, however, excelled at everything. She was a great student, basketball player, and a great dancer. Being proud of Emily was effortless, since there was a lot to choose from.