Priestley Plays Four (2 page)

Room in Castle of King Meliot of Peradore. A lute-player, whose name is LAMISON, continues playing, NINETTE and ALISON enter L.. They are dressed in bright medieval costumes. NINETTE is a sultry dangerous redhead. ALISON is a pretty-ish mousy girl, a familiar English type at all periods
.

NINETTE:
(Crossly to LAMISON.)
Oh – do stop playing that boring old tune. Don’t you know anything else?

ALISON:
(Reproachfully.)
You promised to learn
The Black Knight Hath My Heart
.

LAMISON mutters something inaudible, and stops playing, though remains sitting
.

NINETTE: If Melicent brings that magic mirror with her, I’ll ask to look into it.

ALISON: Oh – Ninette – dare you?

NINETTE: Yes. And anyhow, the magic mirror isn’t hers, and it’ll have to go back to that enchanter very soon – perhaps this morning.

ALISON:
(Sighing.)
Tapestry again, I suppose. And I’ll have a headache. Why doesn’t anything happen now, here in Peradore. My cousin Elaine’s having a marvellous time in Camelot. Several fascinating enchanters, two giants and a dragon in the neighbourhood and three or four castles under spells, and Knights of the Round Table all over the place, rescuing everybody – lovely parties every night.

NINETTE:
(Fiercely.)
It’s no use sighing and mooning. We must
make
things happen.

ALISON:
(Wistfully.)
You can’t if you’re a virtuous-damsel character like me.

NINETTE: Well, I’m
wicked
– thank goodness! Let me have the ghost of a chance and I’ll make things happen.

Enter L. PRINCESS MELICENT, an exquisite girl. She is busy rubbing with a small piece of silk the magic mirror, which is about eighteen inches square, made of shining metal with a dark frame
.

MELICENT: I’m
furious
. I’ve stared and stared but I can’t see him this morning. And I’m sure he’s still thinking about me. I
feel
he is. The magic can’t be working.

NINETTE: Perhaps if I had a try –

MELICENT: Master Malgrim, the enchanter, only lent it to me.

NINETTE: Only just a quick peep to see if it’s still working –

She almost takes it from MELICENT, stares into it, then gives a cry of annoyance and marches straight over to LAMISON and slaps his face
.

You low impudent brute! And not even a
good
lute-player.

MELICENT:
(With dignity.)
You may go, Lamison. No music this morning.

He bows and goes off R.
.

NINETTE:
(Returning the mirror.)
It worked for me –

MELICENT: Yes, but Lamison was so near. Not like
him
, my one, who’s far far away. It’s
maddening
not being able to see him again. What day is it?

ALISON: Lunaday – the thirty-first of June. Lovely day too. Can’t we go out?

MELICENT: No, our royal parent wishes to speak to me. It’ll have to be tapestry.

NINETTE: Oh – not yet. You never told us what this knight was wearing.

MELICENT:
(Confidential, delighted.)
Well, he seemed to be wearing a kind of coat made of yellow wool over a white shirt. And I don’t think he’s a knight. Nor a squire. Some kind of artist, I think.
(Still more confidential.)
And this is a secret. His name’s Sam.

NINETTE & ALISON:
(Together.)
Sam?

MELICENT: Sam. Isn’t that sweet? Another thing I didn’t tell you about him – he can blow smoke out of his mouth.

ALISON:
(Astounded.)
Like a dragon?

MELICENT: No, not a bit like a dragon. Not blowing
angrily
– but
nicely
–

NINETTE: Perhaps he’s an enchanter –

MELICENT: No, he isn’t. Just because your aunt was supposed to be a sorceress, Ninette, you’ve got sorcerers, wizards and enchanters on the brain –

Enter HERALD at R.
.

HERALD:
(Like a professional toastmaster.)
Noble Princess Melicent – ladies – I beg to announce His Royal Majesty, King Meliot of Peradore – High Lord of Bergamore, Marralore and Parlot – Overlord of Lancington, Low Moss and Three Bridges!

MELICENT: I think you overdo those places. Who cares about Low Moss and Three Bridges!

There is a loud flourish of trumpets outside door R.. The girls cover their ears and pull disgusted faces. The king enters. He is a worried-looking middle-aged man with a fussy manner and staccato speech. He is wearing a light crown and untidy but gorgeous robes. The girls curtsy
.

KING: Morning, Melicent! Morning, girls! Not started work yet? Tapestry production has gone down seventy-five per cent since we lost our dear Queen. Well now, we’ve just received a summons to attend a conference at Camelot –

The girls are at once eager and excited
.

MELICENT: When do we go?

KING: You don’t. Men only – not even queens invited. Defence problems. In any case Camelot these days isn’t the place for young unmarried daughters. Queen Guenevere – charming woman of course – but – well –

MELICENT: Don’t be absurd, father. We all know about her and Sir Lancelot –

KING:
(Suddenly angry, shouting.)
You don’t. Nobody does. All damned nonsense!

MELICENT: Well, then, if it’s nonsense, why can’t –

KING:
(Cutting in, angrily.)
Don’t try to argue, girl. You’ve no reason, no logic. Quiet now! We want to think. Why are we here? Oh yes – we want to take our dwarf, Grumet, to Camelot – what have you done with him?

MELICENT: Oh – father, darling – you can’t take Grumet to Camelot again. He can’t talk – and he’s only got three boring tricks –

KING: Quite enough. And the one with the venison pasty was a remarkable success last time. Sir Pelleas offered us a master armourer for him. No, we must have Grumet! Where is he?

MELICENT:
(Hesitantly.)
I’ve sent him – to find somebody –

KING: Find somebody? Who? Where? Why?

MELICENT: Well, you remember Master Malgrim, the enchanter –

KING: Yes. New fella. Came with a letter from King Mark, wanting our patronage. Didn’t take to him much? What about him?

MELICENT: He lent me a magic mirror. It shows you anybody who’s thinking about you –

KING: Nonsense! You girls’ll believe anything. Where is it?

MELICENT:
(Handing it to him.)
Here.

KING:
(Staring into it.)
Just as we thought. Our own face.

NINETTE: You have to stare hard, sire.

KING:
(Still looking.)
We
are
staring hard. Oh – but who’s this? Looks like Sir Kay – who runs the palace at Camelot. Yes, and he’s thinking about us.

MELICENT: All of us?

KING: No – kingly us – me. And – by George – he’s deciding to put us into the same cold draughty apartment on the North side of the palace. But this time we won’t have it. Here – take the thing
(Giving her the mirror.)
And what’s it got to do with our dwarf? Didn’t you say you sent him to find somebody?

MELICENT:
(Dreamily.)
Yesterday I looked in the mirror, and saw a man called Sam who was thinking about me. He was sweet.

KING: Sam? Never heard of him. But do you mean to say you sent our dwarf with a message to this rascal?

MELICENT: I asked Master Malgrim, the enchanter, to lend his magic aid so that Grumet the dwarf could find Sam. Because Sam’s not in this realm, nor in any other known to us. Sam’s not in what you’d call
real life
at all –

KING:
(Relieved, delighted.)
Oh – why didn’t you say so? Been stuffing yourself with mythology, legends, fairy tales – eh? Very suitable – so long as you don’t overdo it. Well – well – send the dwarf along –

MELICENT: But I can’t, father. I told you, he’s gone to find Sam.

KING:
(Angrily.)
You can’t send a real dwarf to find somebody who isn’t real –

MELICENT: I didn’t say Sam wasn’t real – of course he is –

KING:
(Shouting angrily.)
If she isn’t in real life, then he isn’t real. He’s imaginary. All right then – send an imaginary dwarf to find him. But what the devil’s the point of sending a real dwarf? No reason, no logic, no sense! You must be suffering from summer greensickness, girl.
(He goes to the door, shouting.)
Master Jarvie! Master Jarvie!

The physician enters and bows. He is a very solemn middle-aged man, dressed in the style of a medieval doctor. The King talks as soon as he appears, in a rapid confidential manner
.

Princess Melicent – not us. She says she sent Grumet the dwarf to find some fellow who doesn’t exist in real life. Obviously got a touch of something.

MELICENT:
(Impatiently.)
Father, I’m perfectly well.

KING: Nonsense!

DR JARVIE:
(Approaching solemnly.)
Your Highness may feel perfectly well. But to be perfectly well – that is something very different. Permit me, your Highness.

KING: Keep still, child. For your own good.

The doctor feels pulse, feels her forehead, pulls an eyelid down, and so forth, talking gravely as he proceeds
.

DR JARVIE:
(With immense gravity.)
Um – um! The excellent balance of the four primary humours somewhat disturbed. The hot humours are not being sufficiently preserved in the blood by the thick, black and sour humours purged from the spleen. Or as Galen tells us – the vital spirits formed in the heart are not being adequately checked by the natural spirits formed in the liver. Therefore, too quick release of the animal spirits formed in the brain – thus encouraging airy notions and phantasy –

KING: There you have it. Airy notions and phantasy. The very thing that’s wrong. What physic do you recommend, good doctor?

DR JARVIE:
(With immense gravity.)
A pearl dissolved in vinegar mixed with powdered dragon’s tooth, taken night and morning. Mummy paste and mandrake root in hot wine as a noon and evening posset. No venison nor pig puddings to be eaten. No scarlet to be worn. A bat’s wing and a dried toad fastened beneath her shift until the new moon. And perhaps the thumb of a hanged man –

MELICENT:
(In horror.)
Never – never – never!

DR JARVIE:
(Condescendingly.)
Well, we may omit the thumb. But take the physic –

KING: We’ll see she does. You may go Master Jarvie, and take our thanks with you.

(Dr Jarvie bows and departs.)
Melicent, you stay close here.

MELICENT:
(Dismayed.)
Oh – father – must I?

KING: You must. Lady Ninette – Mistress Alison – see to it – or we shall be severe with you. Grumet the dwarf, I’ll be bound, is lying drunk somewhere in this castle. But if he should return here, send him to us at once.

MELICENT: But Master Malgrim swore he could send Grumet out of real life – to where Sam is –

KING:
(Briskly rather than angrily.)
Master Malgrim’s a charlatan – Grumet’s a dumb little tosspot – you’re a sick brain-fevered day-dreaming damsel – and your Sam’s a myth, a legend, a fairytale character, a romantic nothing. Now you know our commands, all of you – then obey ’em. And get out your needles and threads.
We’re
busy.
You
should be busy. But –
(As he goes.)
Busy, busy, busy
. (As he opens the door, calling.)
No trumpets! No trumpets! Made enough noise this morning.

The three girls look at each other in dismay
.

MELICENT: Oh – now
nothing’s
going to happen.

ALISON:
(Sadly.)
Except tapestry.

NINETTE: Let’s
make
something happen.

ALISON: What’s the matter, Melicent darling?

MELICENT:
(Almost ready for tears.)
I’m falling in love with Sam. And I don’t know where he is – when he is – who he is – and now I don’t believe Grumet can ever find him.

She runs out sobbing as the lights fade and we begin to hear the saxophone and trombone start playing
.

A room in the advertising agency of Wallaby, Dimmock, Paly and Tooks. Very modern type of office with a window and one door. Light walls with large graphs etc. on them. Periodically from outside window is the sound of a pneumatic drill. Through one door comes occasional sound of a recorded singing commercial. Desk with phones, intercom etc., a few light modern chairs, cupboard on left opposite door. Bright morning light
.

DIMMOCK is discovered looking at sample layout with ANNE DUTTON –SWIFT and PHILIP SPENCER-SMITH. DIMMOCK (“D.D.”) is a fat, worried middle-aged type with an American manner and a flat Manchester accent. ANNE and PHILIP are very keen upper-class career types, probably in their early thirties
.

DIMMOCK:
(After staring a moment or two.)
It doesn’t do anything to me. It won’t do anything to the client. And it’s dead wrong for the Chunky Chat Public. Out!

PHILIP: Couldn’t agree with you more, D.D.

ANNE: Public-wise it never looked good to me. Client-wise I’m not sure, D.D.

DIMMOCK: I am. It’s out. Dead wrong for Chunky Chat. What’s next?

ANNE: Damosel Stockings. I’m madly keen about this. Could be a big account. They want to spread themselves in the glossies visual-wise. Romantic atmosphere. Sam Penty’s working on it.

DIMMOCK:
(Into intercom.)
Peggy, ask Mr Penty to bring in what he’s done for
Damosel
Stockings – sharp!

ANNE: What I feel – D.D. – is –

But the pneumatic drill starts. DIMMOCK takes the opportunity of swallowing two pills. ANNE goes on talking inaudibly. When drill stops
.

Don’t you agree?

DIMMOCK: Can’t say. Never heard what you said with that dam’ thing goin’ again.
(To intercom.)
Peggy, send another letter of complaint about that drill.

Good morning, Sam

This is SAM who has just entered. He is quite different from these three, in every possible way. He need not be good-looking – but he has a slow easy charm of his own. He is carelessly dressed, is smoking a bent cherrywood pipe, and carries a portfolio
.