Priestley Plays Four (9 page)

FIRST SOLDIER: Ay, ay, Majesty. But where to?

KING:
(Uncertainly.)
Well now – let us see –

MALGRIM and NINETTE, now in medieval costume again, suddenly appear
.

MALGRIM:
(Smoothly.)
Your Majesty, may I make a suggestion?

KING:
(Rather startled.)
Who the devil are you? Oh yes – enchanter fella. Pushin’ fella – don’t overdo it.
(Notices NINETTE, who is smiling at him.)
Where have you been, Ninette? And where’s our daughter?

NINETTE:
(Seductively.)
I’ll explain everything, sire – as soon as we’re alone. But – Master Malgrim –

MALGRIM:
(Taking the lead.)
Your Majesty, please allow me to take charge of these two prisoners. A little experiment – for the benefit of our art and science –

KING: Turn ’em into something, eh? Not a bad idea. But that doesn’t mean you’ve now got a Court Appointment, understand? Off you go, then.
(As they all move off but NINETTE, he realises he is both tired and thirsty.)
Cupbearer? No, no, you can go. Lady Ninette can act as cupbearer.

NINETTE:
(Smiling.)
Of course, sire.

KING:
(Holding out his tankard.)
Fill then, Ninette. And help yourself too, girl.
(As she fills the two tankards.)
Never an hour’s peace these days. King Arthur summons us to Camelot. Then he countermands the summons. Our daughter’s half off her head – and now missing. In love with a mythological character. Fellas arriving from nowhere, not properly dressed. Appoint a fella Captain of our Guard and discover he’s an impudent rogue. Enchanter keeps popping up and out without so much as a by-your-leave. Just can’t cope with it. Must be getting old.

NINETTE:
(Close to him, smiling.)
Oh – no – sire – you’re in the prime of life – our Majesty’s rather tired and rather hot – allow me –
(She pats his brow with a hankerchief and then smooths it with her hand.)

KING:
(Pretending not to enjoy all this.)
All very well – but where’s our daughter?

NINETTE: She’s been very naughty, sire. She left our world, looking for this man. Now she’s on her way back – with Master Malgrim’s uncle, the other enchanter – a horrible old man called Marlagram –

KING: Marlagram? Is he still around? Remember him with Merlin years and years ago. Of course he’s a lot older than we are.

NINETTTE: Of course, sire. And in any case – as my aunt the sorceress used to tell us – a man is only as old as he feels –

KING: She said that, did she? I wish we’d thought of it. Brilliant original woman your aunt – always said so…always said so…

NINETTE: You need someone like Master Malgrim to relieve you of all the boring routine duties, don’t you think? You can’t do everything yourself, it’s too much –

MELICENT, dressed as before, is now in the room, with MARLAGRAM, in his original costume, behind her. MELICENT is blazing with fury
.

MELICENT:
(Angrily, as she crosses to them.)
I should think it
is
too much.

KING:
(Angrily.)
Don’t talk to us like that. Where have you been? What have you been doing? And who the devil’s this?
(Pointing to MARLAGRAM.)

MARLAGRAM:
(Not at all alarmed.)
He he he he! Surely you remember me, King Meliot?

KING: Go away, Marlagram. It’s bad enough having your nephew pushing himself forward all the time –

MARLAGRAM:
(Cutting in.)
A bright lad – but mischievous – a tricky plotter –

MELICENT: Is my Sam still in the dungeon?

KING:
(Angrily.)
He isn’t your Sam – but he
is
in the dungeon – and there he’s staying –

MELICENT:
(Alarmed.)
OH – NO – Father – please –

KING: And another thing, young woman. We’ve had enough of your whims and caprices. Tomorrow after the tournament we announce your marriage –

MELICENT:
(Urgently.) Never!

KING: We don’t know who the bridegroom will be yet – but you’ll marry him if we have to lock you up and give you nothing but bread and water –

MELICENT:
(Stormily.)
I won’t – I won’t – I won’t –

KING: You will. And that’s our royal command – bear witness, Lady Ninette and Master Marlagram, that we have spoken.

MELICENT:
(Urgently.)
Master Marlagram, you remember the brooch that Malgrim wanted –

MARLAGRAM: Yes – he-he-he-he! – we’re both after it of course –

MELICENT: It’s yours if you help me now –

MARLAGRAM:
(Delighted.)
Done! And notice I never asked for it. He-he-he!

KING: What’s all this nonsense about a brooch? Whatever it is, we assure you –

MARLAGRAM:
(Very impressive now, the magician.)
Stop, King Meliot!

He holds up a hand. Light changes. Distant roll of thunder. NINETTE gives a little cry of alarm and shrinks back
.

KING:
(Uneasily.)
None of your old Merlin tricks, Marlagram, please. Years out of date now, my dear fellow. Steady now –

MARLAGRAM:
(Tremendously impressive.)
The moment of clear sight, given me under the Seal of Solomon, is with me now, King Meliot of Peradore. Two terrible dangers approach this castle. One is the unknown Red Knight who will challenge all, and can overcome all but one, at the tournament tomorrow. The other is a ravening fiery dragon that is even now muttering and smouldering in the wood below. And only he who overcomes the Red Knight may slay the dragon. And it is he who must marry the Princess.

KING:
(His teeth almost chattering.)
Certainly – certainly – very reasonable in the circumstances. But are you sure about the Red Knight and the dragon? There couldn’t be any mistake –

MARLAGRAM:
(Wildly.) Mistake!
What – you question the moment of clear sight – the Seal of Solomon himself?

There is on the darkening stage a terrific flash of lightning and roll of thunder. The GIRLS scream. MARLAGRAM slips out
.

KING:
(Alarmed.)
No – no – no – you’re quite right – very reasonable too – we give our word –

MARLAGRAM:
(Triumphantly – off.)
He-he-he-he-he-he! And that’s another old Merlin trick, King Meliot – years out of date too –

KING:
(Almost in the dark, admiringly.)
Gone, has he? Well, as we’ve said many a time, you can’t beat the old school of sorcerers when they’re really in form. Cranky, expensive, a bit messy – but they do let you know exactly where you are. And where we are – we have a bloodthirsty Red Knight and a ravening fiery dragon on our hands. In our opinion – a bit much.

Scene blacks out completely
.

Dungeon as in Sc. 8, Act I. SAM seen as before, chained and manacled. FIRST and SECOND SOLDIERS enter as before, carrying rations. They leave door open behind them
.

FIRST SOLDIER:
(Putting down bowl.)
A drop ’o broth this time – for a treat.

SECOND SOLDIER:
(Putting down loaf.)
And another loaf.

FIRST SOLDIER: Just a loafer, you are, chum.
(Both SOLDIERS laugh.)
Not bad – eh – Ted?

SECOND SOLDIER:
(Still laughing.)
You’ll kill me yet – Jack.

SAM: Where’s your Captain – Sir Skip?

FIRST SOLDIER: Sir Bloody Skip ’as ’ad it. First we put ’im under arrest – an’ now the enchanter’s getting’ to work on ’im –
and
on the other bloke –

SECOND SOLDIER: By this time they might ’ave bin turned into a couple of basset hounds –

FIRST SOLDIER: An’ that’s a dog’s life, chum. See – Ted – they come like lightnin’.

SECOND SOLDIER:
(Laughing as they go.)
You’re a bloody marvel – Jack.

They go out. Sam tastes the broth
.

SAM: Terrible.
(Turns and calls up.)
I say – this broth is terrible. What do you make it out of – arrowheads?

MARLAGRAM enters, chuckling. He is carrying a large pasty and a tankard
.

MARLAGRAM: He-he-he-he! Well, here I am again, my boy. And here’s a real supper.

SAM:
(As he takes it.)
Thanks very much, Master Marlagram.

MARLAGRAM: King Meliot’s best wine and his favourite pasty – he-he-he!

SAM: There’ll be hell to pay if he finds out. There was when I had ’em for lunch.
(Begins eating and drinking.)
You brought back Princess Melicent of course?

MARLAGRAM: Yes, and we’ve come to a nice little arrangement. She gets what she wants. I get what I want. You couldn’t have it neater.

SAM: Speak for yourself. What happens to me?

MARLAGRAM: Well, what do you want to happen to you, my boy? Most people don’t get what they want just because they don’t know what they want. Now do
you
know what you want?

SAM: Certainly. When a man’s chained up in a dungeon, he starts from scratch.

MARLAGRAM: He starts from scratch / To make a match.

SAM:
(Still eating and drinking.)
No verse, if you don’t mind. After you’d gone this afternoon I couldn’t stop making up thousands of bad lines. But certainly I do want to make a match, as you say. I’ve never thought of myself as a marrying man, but now I want to marry Melicent, whichever world we decide to live in. Dam’ good pasty this. I don’t blame the King for wanting to hog it all himself.

MARLAGRAM: But why Princess Melicent, my boy? You’ve known plenty of young women – pretty girls, clever girls, arty-party ever-so-hearty girls – he-he-he! – why come so far as Peradore to marry one?

SAM:
(Still eating and drinking.)
I want to marry Melicent because she seems to me to offer two wonderful qualities I’ve never found before in the same girl – a loving kindness and a beautiful strangeness. A smiling princess – what every man wants. But God knows what she sees in me.

MELICENT:
(Entering now.)
God knows – and I know, my darling – but neither of us will ever tell you.

MARLAGRAM: He-he-he! She heard everything you said, my boy. He-he-he!

MELICENT: I wish you’d stop making that silly noise – and conjure poor Sam out of his chains and things. You can, can’t you? Otherwise I’d have brought a file.

MARLAGRAM: I can – though chains and manacles are quite tricky. Quiet, now.
Eeeny-meeny-miny-mo
. There you are.
(Sound of chains falling.)

MELICENT: How clever of you! I must remember that.
Eeny-meeny-miny-mo
.

SAM: I’ve known it for years, but never knew it would do anything to chains.

MELICENT: Are you having a nice supper, darling?

SAM: Yes, I am, sweetheart. But what happens now? Though don’t think, Master Marlagram, that I’m not grateful for the chain work and the supper. But what’s the next move?

MELICENT:
(Enthusiastically.)
That’s where Master Marlagram’s been so very very clever –

MARLAGRAM: Though my nephew – smart lad! – got here first, one move ahead of me –

MELICENT: You see, my father says now I must marry someone – he’s very cross about everything – so Master Marlagram prophesied that there’s a terrible Red Knight who’s going to challenge everybody at the tournament tomorrow –

MARLAGRAM:
(With relish.)
And a monster fiery dragon’s coming too – might be here already – he-he-he!

MELICENT: And my father’s agreed that whoever overcomes them both receives my hand in marriage. And of course that has to be you, darling.

SAM: Bless you!

MELICENT: Hasn’t Master Marlagram arranged it all cleverly and cunningly?

MARLAGRAM: You don’t know the half of it – the way I took advantage of being a move behind my nephew – he-he-he!

SAM:
(Laughing too.)
Brilliant, I’ll bet! What an enchanter! So I go out tomorrow – and pretend to have knocked off a terrible Red Knight and a fiery dragon. Wonderful!
(He laughs again.)
Well, so long as you give me a few tips about what to say and how to look, I can pretend all that as well as the next man.
(He laughs again.)

MELICENT: Just a minute, darling.

SAM: Sorry – making too much noise. High spirits.
(He drinks.)

MELICENT: You see, you won’t be
pretending –

SAM:
(Coming spluttering out of his drink.) What?
D’you mean there
is
a Red Knight –
and a dragon?

MELICENT: Of course, darling.

MARLAGRAM: And all you have to do is to overcome them – swish-bish-bang-wallop! – he-he-he!

SAM:
(Staring from one to the other, aghast.)
Yes – but – have a heart!

MELICENT:
(Cheerfully.)
That’s the point, darling. I
have
a heart. And it’s all right talking about every man wanting a smiling princess – very sweet of you, and I’m sure it’s true – but of course the one who marries her must have proved himself a hero.

SAM:
(Dubiously.)
What if he isn’t a hero?

MELICENT: Why bother thinking about that? You
are
a hero. You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t, darling.

SAM: That’s true – to some extent. But don’t forget, this kind of life’s quite strange to me. I’ve never had a single lesson in tackling Red Knights and dragons.

MELICENT: That makes you all the braver, darling.

SAM:
(Anxiously.)
Yes – but – er – would there be any chance of – er – an invisible cloak – or an unbreakable spear – or a magic sword that cuts through everything – any of the usual heroes’ aids?

MELICENT: Very sensible, Sam darling! What do you think, Master Marlagram?

MARLAGRAM: ’Fraid not – he-he-he! We’ve left it a bit late, haven’t we – and they all run into money these days.

SAM: Well, what about some sort of general enchantment – so that nobody knows exactly what’s happening – ?

MARLAGRAM: Then nobody’d know you’re a hero –

MELICENT: And if you’re not a hero, you can’t marry me, Sam dear. Let’s go. We’re putting you into the assistant-chief-armourer’s room –

MARLAGRAM: He’ll be here but standing in the corner all night. He-he-he! I’ve made him think he’s a mace.
(Begins to move out.)