Priestley Plays Four (13 page)

DIMMOCK:
(Breathlessly.)
Sorry – gentlemen – but what with suddenly not being a dragon – and then being shot here out of that wood – I can tell you –

MELICENT: Let’s go, Sam darling, then you can ask my father for my hand, and then we can decide about the wedding –

They go out. DIMMOCK sits at the table as he speaks
.

DIMMOCK: Before we get down to business, I must tell you I could do with a drink –

MARLAGRAM: Certainly –

CAPT. P.: Hold it. I’m against this invisible demon service. Isn’t there any other way.

MALGRIM: Why not?
(He clasps his hands. BARMAID suddenly appears.)

CAPT. P.:
(Seeing her.)
That’s more like it. Two large whiskies, Queenie.

BARMAID:
(Calmly.)
Two large whiskies. Turned out nice again, hasn’t it?

She goes, returning at some appropriate moment with the whiskies without speaking. The four men are now very much in conference
.

DIMMOCK: Who’s in the Chair?

MARLAGRAM: I am. He-he-he. Senior man present.

MALGRIM: Well, Mr Chairman, you’ve agreed to the following conditions. One – that Messrs Marlagram and Malgrim are invited to join the board of Wallaby, Dimmock, Paly and Tooks. Two – that Wallaby and Tooks should be asked to resign and their voting stock transferred to Marlagram and Malgrim. Three – that the new concern be known as Marlagram, Malgrim, Dimmock and Paly –

DIMMOCK:
(Cutting in.)
No, Mr Chairman, I’ll accept your seniority, but I’m too well-known in the advertising world to follow Mr Malgrim, for all his exceptional ability. I propose that the new agency be known as Marlagram, Dimmock, Malgrim and Paly.

MARLAGRAM: I’ll accept that, so no need to vote on it – he-he-he! Now you want Captain Plunket to be general manager of the subsidiary tourist agency company, to be called Marlagram, Malgrim and Dimmock – eh?

DIMMOCK: How did you know?

MALGRIM: After all, we
are
enchanters.

CAPT. P.: And it’s going to be tricky running an expense account with you fellows.

MARLAGRAM:
(Very briskly.)
We split fifty-fifty on all English and Peradore business. But I take seventy per cent of anything from Scotland and the Orkneys – I’ve got a good connection up there –

MALGRIM: And I want at least sixty-five per cent of all commissions from Wales and Lyonesse –

DIMMOCK: There isn’t such a place –

MALGRIM: There is
now
and
here
–

DIMMOCK: But it’s going to take some selling at our modern end –

MALGRIM: On the contrary, to visit a place that’s vanished – what could be more attractive –

CAPT. P.: I agree with Mr Malgrim. A three days visit to Lyonesse – full board and all excursions –

MARLAGRAM: Chair, chair, gentlemen!

DIMMOCK: Now look, Mr Chairman, what I say –

MALGRIM: Mr Chairman, I only want to point out –

During these last speeches, the light has been fading, but not the voices, which if anything are louder and louder. Silence when light finally goes. Light comes up at other side of stage for TV ANNOUNCER, either man or woman
.

ANNOUNCER: After the news there will be our usual
Cooking For You
– tonight it is How To Boil An Egg. Then in tonight’s Hot Spot programme – by special arrangement with the Malagram, Malgrim and Dimmock Travel Agency, we shall be taking you over to the Princess of Peradore and Sam Penty combined Two-world Wedding Feast –

As light fades, great burst of brassy music
.

The Wedding Feast. Brilliant lighting. The whole company is seated at table. In the middle are MELICENT, wearing gorgeous medieval costume, and on her L., beginning the modern half, is SAM, in a dinner jacket. On SAM’s L., are the modern characters. On MELICENT’s R., is first the KING, then the other medieval characters. (Where there has been doubling, the most important character should be in its own half.) There must be the sharpest possible contrast between the two halves, not only in the gorgeous medieval costumes and rather dingy modern evening dress but also in what is on the table, for in the Peradore half the table is loaded down with gigantic and opulent medieval dishes and confections – boar’s head, peacock, swan, barons of beef, a castle of sweetmeats etc and flagons, tankards, etc, etc – while in the modern half everything is very meagre indeed, in the meanest style of public dinner. If it is possible, understudies and/or supers should furnish two or three gorgeous medieval serving men or maids at one side, pouring out enormous helpings of wine and ale, and on the other side a miserable waiter and waitress gingerly filling tiny glasses with something pale
.

As scene fades in, DIMMOCK, who is holding a great many typed sheets, is standing up and coming to the end of a very long speech
.

DIMMOCK: … And – er – concluding these brief remarks – for of course I had no idea I would be – er – called upon tonight – to help propose this Toast – finally – I wish to assure all our friends from Peradore here tonight – that if – er – at any time – they wish to pay us a visit – we on our side will be only too happy to – er – show them all we can – and to explain, as best we can, all those – er – astonishing developments which have made – er – for progress – and – er the triumph of our civilisation – er –

The pneumatic drill starts up. He hurls down his notes, then sits down. Drill stops. He gets up, drill starts again. He gives it up now. Drill stops
.

KING: Master Marlagram will reply for Peradore.

MARLAGRAM:
(Rising.)
Your majesty – ladies and gentlemen – he-he-he! – having listened to our friend Mr Dimmock for the last half-hour, I will now be very short indeed. If he and our friends in his world should ever tire of the progress they are making, and the triumphs of their civilisation, and are ready to make do with a little peace and quiet, good food and drink, pure air, leisurely talk, a night’s sleep and no radio-activity to devour the marrow in their bones, we on our side will do our humble best to entertain them.
(Applause. He sits, chuckling.)

KING: Captain Plunket will now propose the Toast.

CAPT. P.:
(Who is tight.)
Your Majesty – Princess Melicent – Sir Sam – boys and girls – shan’t talk long as most of you seem to be thoroughly plastered.

BARMAID:
(Calling.)
Never!
(She hiccups.)
Pardon!

CAPT. P.: Princess an’ Sam say they’ll live in both our worlds. Quite ri’. Same here. Lot of talk – seem to remember – about One World. I say – Two Worlds. So does Princess – so does Sam. Fact that there’s a difference of a day – that at this end of the table it’s Wednesday and that end it’s Tuesday – who cares? Great advantage really. Work it properly – have two Saturdays running – an’ never a Monday. One time in Mauritius – thought it was Thursday for a week – grew a beard an’ nearly learnt how to play a mandolin – tell you about it someday. But now it’s time for the happy pair to wish us all long luck an’ the best of life. Join Toast in drinking us.

They stand and drink to the bridal pair. Applause and cheers
.

PRINCESS:
(Smoothly.)
As I am entirely unaccustomed to public speaking, while thanking you for the way in which you have both proposed this Toast and received it, I shall ask my husband to reply on my behalf.
(Sits to applause.)

SAM: Thank you, thank you! Nobody realises better than I do that I don’t deserve to have won the hand and heart of a beautiful smiling Princess. I’ve not been clever, I’ve not even been very brave. Just lucky. All I can say on my own behalf is that when at last the great day arrived – I knew at once, without anybody telling me, that it was the Thirty-First of June.
(To the audience, smiling.)
That’s the secret, ladies and gentlemen. Never mistake for just another day – that day of all days – the glorious Thirty-First of June.

Burst of music as he sits down and the whole table breaks into apparent animated talk. Curtain
.

End of Play
.

PRESENT DAY

MARTIN CHEVERIL
a dramatist

ANN SEWARD
a young actress

PAULINE FRASER
leading lady in Cheveril’s Company

ALFRED LEATHERS
an old actor

JAMES WHITEFOOT
leading man

OTLEY
manager of Theatre Royal

DR. CAVE
MAYOR OF BARTON SPA
other members of Cheveril’s company, guests at party, waiter and waitress.

ONE HUNDRED YEARS AGO

JENNY VILLIERS
a young actress

WALTER KETTLE
stage manager

EDMUND LUDLOW
manager of Theatre Royal Co.

FANNY LUDLOW
his wife

JULIAN NAPIER
leading juvenile

JOHN STOKES
an old actor

SAM MOON
a comedian

AUGUSTUS PONSONBY
secretary of Shakespearean Society

SPRAGG
a writer of farces

1
^st
ACTRESS

2
^nd
ACTRESSM

NURSE (MRS. PARSONS)

JOURNALIST

LANDLORD

DOCTOR

SIR ROMFORD TIVERTON

Other members of Ludlow’s company. Also, members of Shakespearean Society.

The action, which is continuous, takes place in the Green Room of the Theatre Royal, Barton Spa.

Scene: The Green Room of the Theatre Royal, Barton Spa

It is a large room, probably dating from the middle of the eighteenth century, and it has been carefully preserved. It is panelled in dark wood, and the general effect is rather sombre. Downstage Right (actors’) is the door to manager’s office, etc. This is the only door in sight, and there are no windows visible. The room is, so to speak, waisted at the centre, and probably there is a pillar at each side, with an arch between. This narrowing at centre forms two oblique alcoves R. and L., behind which the extra little scenes are set. In alcove R. is a large case in which are old theatrical costumes and properties, among them a crimson gauntlet glove. Alcove L. can have a similar case, or only an old theatrical portrait. Downstage L. below alcove, is a small desk with telephone, light, inkstand, etc., and a chair to go with it. This desk need not be period. But all the other furniture should not be later than about 1840 as it may be used in the ghost scenes. Between pillars and back wall are entrances, including door down to stage L. that are not seen. On the back wall are portraits and old playbills, including the portraits mentioned in the text. The back wall must not be set too far back, as the White Hart banquet scene at the end of Act I must be set behind it; and centre portion of the back wall must be easily removable for this scene. Also on the back wall is a fairly large trick mirror – for Jenny’s final appearance in Act II. Small wooden chairs, same colour as panels, against back wall. Darkish stage-cloth covering the whole room
.

At rise, a cocktail party, given in order that the MAYOR and prominent citizens of Barton Spa should meet Cheveril’s Company, is just coming to an end. Upstage beyond pillar R. we see end of table with drinks and sandwiches on it, and WAITER and WAITRESS in attendance. As many persons as possible should be on the stage, representing Cheveil’s Company and Barton citizens. The MAYOR, a middle-aged shopkeeper type, is wearing his chain, etc. OTLEY, the manager of the theatre, a bustling, friendly fellow, is running the party. Prominent among Cheveril’s company are PAULINE FRASER, leading lady, a handsome actress in her forties; JAMES WHITEFOOT, a good-looking youngish leading man; and ALFRED LEATHERS, a distinguished old actor
.

The MAYOR is on his feet, prominently placed to make his speech, and the company are quieting down to hear him. He can clear his throat once or twice, but as soon as the curtain is nicely up and the scene is taken in by the audience, he begins. He can use any touch of dialect that comes naturally to the actor, but this must not be overdone
.

MAYOR: Ladies and gentlemen – in behalf of the Borough Council of Barton Spa, I ’ave very great pleasure in welcoming to our ancient borough the very talented actors and actresses who ’ave come with Mr. Cheveril from London – to give us ’ere in Barton Spa – the first performance of ’is new play –
The
– er –
Glass Door
.