Priestley Plays Four (11 page)

He gives the BARMAID his sword and she bangs away with it at a breastplate, while he, now out of his armour, drinks with a tankard in each hand
.

SAM:
(Recovering a little.)
By the way, what happened to Dimmock?

CAPT. P.: No idea, old boy. Malgrim turned me into the Red Knight before he started on Dimmock.
(To BARMAID.)
Not getting tired, dear, are you?

BARMAID: A bit. But it makes a nice change.
(We hear from nowhere, MARLAGRAM’s ‘He-he-he!’)
That’s that very old conjurer. Get on your nerves, don’t they?

CAPT. P.: Now Sam old boy – can you pull yourself together just for half a minute – won’t take a second longer?

SAM:
(Rising shakily.)
I’ll try. What do I do?

CAPT. P.: Get ready to show ’em the head. When they’ve seen it, you be ready to run off with it, Violet –

BARMAID: Queenie.

CAPT. P.: Of course – Queenie. Well, you run off with the head –

BARMAID: Where to?

CAPT. P.: Anywhere – ladies’ cloakroom.

BARMAID: They won’t want it in there.

CAPT. P.:
(Hastily.)
Don’t argue, Queenie dear. Now, Sam old boy – here’s your sword and the head –
(Giving them to him.)
Get ready to wave the sword and hold up the head when I open that entrance.
(SAM goes unsteadily towards L..)
Stand clear for the Red Knight’s death scene –
(He takes his sword from BARMAID and bangs hard, then shouts in Red Knight voice.)
Mercy! Have mercy! O-o-o-oh!
(In ordinary voice.)
Here we go, chaps.

Throws down sword, kicks armour, rushes with BARMAID to entrance L., unfastens the flap, and shouts
.

He’s done it. He’s done it.

BARMAID:
(Shouting.)
Sam’s won. Sam’s won.

SAM waves sword and holds up the head. A great cheer from off L.. Then the two SOLDIERS, HERALDS, and all available players, come swarming in, cheering. Capt P. supports SAM and at same time tosses the head to BARMAID, who runs across to R. as if she were playing rugger with it. As soon as she is off R., the KING, MELICENT, NINETTE, ALISON, MALGRIM, MARLAGRAM, enter from R..)

CAPT. P.: He’s all right – not badly hurt. But give him air – give him air.

MELICENT:
(Embracing SAM.)
Oh – Sam darling – it was wonderful. You’re not hurt, are you?

SAM:
(With effort.)
No, darling – just dizzy – that’s all –

KING: Stout fella! Well, you can take it easy now – for an hour or so. The dragon’s in position down in the wood but it’s asleep. Better not wake it up yet.
(With a gasp, SAM slithers down to his knees, almost out.)
Must knight you properly too.
(Touches SAM on shoulder with sword, which sends SAM further down.)
Arise – Sir Sam!
(But SAM is out cold.)
We said –
Arise, Sir Sam!

MELICENT:
(Getting down to SAM.)
Oh – father – don’t be so idiotic. Help me with him – you men.

Two soldiers, assisted by MELICENT, followed by KING, carry SAM. CAPT. P. also goes with them. They all go off R.. Rest of company, remaining on stage, are now addressed by MR. SANDERSON, an obvious bookie and not in medieval dress
.

MR. S.: Well, people – the favourite’s lost – and I’m paying out ten to one on Sir Sam. Anybody lucky?

BARMAID:
(Offering him a betting slip.)
Yes, me, Mr. Sanderson.

MR. S.: That’s right, Queenie dear – you’re the lucky lady today.
(He hands her a bag of money.)
Now people, here’s your chance to get your money back. I’m offering eleven to two on the dragon – eleven to two against Sir Sam – here’s another chance to back your boy – the chance you missed before – eleven to two on the dragon –

As he begins doing business, scene fades
.

Small tent. SAM is resting. After a moment KING and MELICENT enter. Latter is carrying a cloak and ancient parchment MS
.

KING: How are you feeling now, Sir Sam?

SAM: Better than I did, sir. Though not too bright.

KING: Dragon’s still asleep but it’ll be waking soon – so, if you’re taking it on, you’d better get ready and go along.

MELICENT: But – father – you have to explain first. You know, you promised.

KING: So we did. Well, this is the situation, my dear fella. You’re now Sir Sam – conqueror of the Red Knight – and of course no more dungeon for you. You’re free. Give you a note to King Arthur, if you like.

SAM: Thank you, sir. But what about this dragon?

KING: Coming to that. Now you have the choice. You’re free to go – no dragon, if you don’t want to take it on. But no dragon, no daughter. Can’t marry Melicent if you don’t fight the dragon.

MELICENT:
(Anxiously.)
You have to choose, Sam.

SAM: I see. What – er – sort of dragon is it? Just a little one perhaps?

KING:
(Heartily.)
Not at all. First-class dragon. Only caught a glimpse of it – but seemed a magnificent brute –

SAM:
(Unhappily.)
It did, did it? You do realise, Melicent, I don’t know how to fight a dragon – never even seen one before –

MELICENT:
(Gravely.)
Yes, Sam. You’d have to be very brave. And perhaps I’m not worth it.

SAM: Yes, you are. All right – I’ll have a bash at the dragon –

MELICENT: Oh – Sam!

KING: Good man! It’s a private contest this time, by the way – no spectators allowed –

SAM: I’m glad to hear it.

KING: That’s the rule now. Last time the public were admitted, about fifty of ’em got hurt. When a big dragon, like this one, really gets desperate –

MELICENT: No – please, father!

SAM:
(Wistfully.)
In the stories I used to read – the dragon-challenger usually had some sort of magic help – an invisible cloak – or –

MELICENT:
(Producing gaudy but tattered cloak.)
Well, there’s this cloak – but it’s terribly moth-eaten – look –
(Spreading it out to show holes.)
And of course where the holes are you won’t be invisible – though of course it might at least
confuse
the dragon –

SAM:
(Hopefully.)
Better than nothing, certainly. Some of me would be invisible –

MELICENT:
(Dubiously.)
But there’s another difficulty, Sam darling. Father, you tell him –

KING:
(Cheerfully.)
Fact is, my boy, we’re not certain about this cloak. Haven’t had it out for years. Now it’s a dragon-challengers’ cloak, no doubt about that. But there’s two kinds, and we can’t remember which this is. There’s the cloak that makes you invisible to the dragon. But there’s also the dragon-rousing cloak – specially designed and coloured to make the dragon very angry and full of fight –

SAM:
(Indignant.)
And you can’t remember which this is?

MELICENT: I’m afraid not, darling. Isn’t it a nuisance? Of course the holes might make him less angry –

SAM: The cloak’s out. No cloak. Anything else?

MELICENT:
(Unfolding parchment.)
Well then, there are these old instructions about how to deal with the different kinds of dragons, but they’re awfully difficult to follow –
(She shows it to SAM.)

KING: Have to puzzle it out between you. Your eyes are younger than ours.

MELICENT:
(As they look at parchment.)
Now we know this is a fiery dragon –

SAM:
(Gloomily.) And
big. Turn to the larger sizes –

MELICENT:
(After more reading.)
It says here that if the beast be shovel-tailed, crouch low and to the left for its first spring. Can you remember that, darling?

SAM: Yes. But
is
this one shovel-tailed? And what happens if it isn’t?

MELICENT: It says if it’s a narrow-tailed dragon with a yellow cross underneath, you musn’t crouch low but jump high to the right –

SAM: But – look – if it’s a horny short-tail you must keep moving all the time. But how the blazes do I know if it’s a horny short-tail or a yellow-cross narrow tail or a shovel-tail –

KING: Only saw it a long way off – but it looked like a shovel-tail to us. Oh – before we forget – our chief armourer has a special sword for you – two-handed of course – ordinary sword won’t make any impression on a dragon. Well – now – best of luck, Sir Sam – and better count on its being a shovel-tail and crouch low and to the left for its first spring –

SAM:
(Gloomily.)
Thank you, sir. But I think I’ll try the horny-short-tail technique and keep moving all the time – but leave the instruction book –

MELICENT: Oh – Sam – I’m beginning to feel frightened now –

KING: Come along, daughter. That’s no way to talk to a hero –

MELICENT gives SAM a quick kiss, then goes out with KING. Left to himself SAM gloomily continues reading
.

SAM:
(Reading.)
‘If the beast should have a broad fishtail with scarlet markings, then at the first pounce it be best to spring high into the air’ Oh – murder! ‘Yet divers of these broad fishtail dragons have a foul trick of swinging upward with their monstrous forepaws’ – Oh shut up!

He folds up the parchment, disgustedly, then looks up as an enormous double-handed sword make its appearance, held out to him by the armourer, a very small man. Scene fades
.

Dragon’s Lair Glade. Dragon’s head can be seen at L.. Eyes are closed and puffs of smoke are coming regularly out of nostrils. CAPT. P. is sitting rather downstage centre, where he can see the dragon but with a slight turn can also see anybody entering from back R.. He is dressed in a queer mixture of modern and medieval costume, and is puffing away at a cheroot keeping time with the dragon’s puffs. The light is the sunlight – golden misty in its distances – or a beautiful summer morning. After a few moments for the scene to establish itself, ANNE DUTTON-SWIFT and PEGGY enter back R.. They are wearing the same clothes they wore in Act One, but now look rather untidy and weary. PEGGY carries a notebook and file of letters to be answered. They see CAPT. P. and he turns their way as they come down
.

ANNE: Good-morning.

CAPT. P.:
(Rising.)
Good-morning, ladies.

ANNE: Tell me, are you one of us or one of them?

CAPT. P.: Depends who you are, doesn’t it?

ANNE: I’m Anne Dutton-Swift – of Wallaby, Dimmock, Paly and Tooks – the advertising agency.

PEGGY: And I’m Peggy, Mr Dimmock’s secretary.

CAPT. P.: Then I’m one of you. Cap’n Plunket, ladies – the Old Skipper –

ANNE:
(Delighted.)
Why of course – I remember you now. You’re the heavenly man who did the film about fish that could climb trees –

CAPT. P.:
(Delighted, shaking hands.)
I knew I’d meet somebody one day who’d seen that film – and now here you are – pretty as a picture too. Wonderful!

ANNE:
(Equally pleased with him.)
Yes – isn’t it? Just gorgeous meeting you here of all places!

PEGGY: Mr Dimmock
is
here, isn’t he?

CAPT. P.: He
was
. Last night we had a few flagons and stoups together – but then we ran into trouble and now he seems to have disappeared – enchantment probably –

ANNE: Is there
really
enchantment here?

CAPT. P.: Place is stiff with it. Early this morning I was a huge Red Knight – about seven foot high with ginger hair bristling all over my face. Felt like him too for a time. As for Dimmock, I’ll try to find out what’s happened to him – once this dragon business is settled.

PEGGY: Oh – there’s dragon business, is there? Where?

CAPT. P.: Here. I was just having a quiet smoke with the dragon. Look –
(He leads them downstage where they can see the dragon.)

ANNE:
(Alarmed.)
Oh – my goodness! And I thought they never existed!

CAPT. P.: They don’t in South Kensington – but they do here – different set-up altogether. But don’t worry about this dragon. He’s asleep – and probably won’t wake up until Sam’s ready to challenge him.

PEGGY:
(Bitterly.)
Oh – Sam’s in this is he? He would be. Typical artist. He ought to be hard at work now for Wallaby, Dimmock, Paly and Tooks, not challenging dragons. His holiday isn’t until September.

ANNE: Captain Plunket, we’ve been lost ever since we arrived here.
Do
tell us where we ought to go.

CAPT. P.:
(Leading them up R. again.)
Up to the Castle, I’d say. Take the first turn to the left, then you can’t miss it.

ANNE: Thank you
so
much.
(As they go, to Peggy.)
I think he’s a sweet man – don’t you?

PEGGY: No

They go out R.. CAPT. P. comes back, goes fairly close to the dragon and looks at it, then returns to his original place and re-lights his cheroot. After a moment or two, Sam enters slowly R.. He is lightly armoured and carries the enormous sword, also the parchment. He looks tired
.

SAM:
(Wearily.)
Hello, Skip! Where’s the dragon.

CAPT. P.: Here, old boy. Still sound asleep. Must have had a dam’ good breakfast off somebody. How are you feeling?

SAM: Terrible. What – er –sort of dragon is it?

CAPT. P.: I won’t deceive you, old boy. He’s big – a socking great beast. And got everything but the kitchen stove. Look!

Sam comes further down and takes a look at the dragon
.

SAM:
(Gloomily.)
He’s got the kitchen stove too.
(He goes upstage again, puts down the sword and opens the parchment.)

CAPT. P.: No time for reading, surely, old boy?

SAM:
(As he looks at it.)
It’s a dragon-fighters’ instruction book the King dug out for me. I dunno – the old man really is a bit slap-happy –

CAPT. P.: Only king I knew really was Um-dunga-sloo – way back off the Ivory Coast. Sold him two hundred and fifty alarm clocks and five gramophones – only one of ’em worked.

SAM: Let’s stick to the dragon. Would you say it’s a Shovel-tail, a Narrow-tail with a yellow cross, a Horny Short-tail, or a Broad Fishtail with scarlet markings?