Princess Lessons (4 page)

The dish that seems to confound
most diners is not, as one might expect, the majestic lobster or prickly
artichoke, but perhaps the simplest of all repasts: soup. Yes, soup. Between
slurping and spoon-scraping, any number of disasters can ensue when soup is
consumed incorrectly. The secret of soup is simple: away! Always spoon soup
away
from your person! Then lift the spoon to your mouth as
you lean from the waist over the bowl. No hunching over the bowl like a doggie
waiting for his kibble!

When the soup reaches your lips,
sip it QUIETLY from the SIDE of the spoon. Contrary to popular opinion, in no
culture is slurping EVER welcome. Not by royalty, anyway. And don't shove the
whole spoon into your mouth as if you are swallowing down cough syrup. SIP from
the side. SIP!

When the soup in your bowl is at a level that you
must tilt the bowl to reach it, tilt the bowl AWAY from you. Get it? Spoon
AWAY, tilt AWAY. That way you will avoid causing a spill of

Niagara
Falls proportions into your lap.

And no blowing on your
soup! If it is too hot to eat, WAIT FOR IT TO COOL. AND NO, YOU MAY NOT SPOON
ICE FROM YOUR WATER GLASS INTO YOUR SOUP. In some countries, the chef would
rightly consider this the gravest of insults, and be justified in throwing you
out of his dining room.

It is considered rude in most countries to talk about politics or religion at the dinner table, unless
you are dining with close friends. People do not wish to have their appetites
spoiled by listening to views that might differ radically from their own, no
matter how much you may wish to enlighten them about the errors of their ways.
Save such lecturing for the cocktail hour, during which your victims might
reasonably fortify themselves against such an onslaught.

Princesses are often
called upon to entertain. Whether you are hosting a ball or a small, informal
tea, the duties of a hostess are always the same:

• Attempt to introduce guests who do not know one another, and engage
them in a conversation that can be continued after you politely slip away to
see to your other guests.
*

• See
that your guests are comfortable (it is inexcusable to leave off the
air-conditioning on a hot day, or the heat on a cold one!) and provide ready
access to food and drink.

• Mingle, mingle,
mingle!

If you are the guest at a party:

• Arrive on time, or no later than fifteen minutes after
the arrival time listed on the invitation. There is no such thing as “stylishly
late”—just boorish!

• Members of the aristocracy are
generally quite popular, and so are often invited to many events in a single
night. In order to keep from showing favoritism to any one hostess, plan on
spending about an hour at each ball or soiree—enough time for a cocktail.
Dinner parties, however, are more difficult. Princesses should remain at a
dinner party for at least one hour after a meal is served. Any departure
earlier than this is vulgarly referred to by Americans as “dining and dashing.”
If not expected at any other events that night, you may safely remain at any
party until everyone else is departing, or until your hosts begin to look
noticeably fatigued. Then it is polite to take your leave. Be sure to find your
host or hostess before you go, to thank them for inviting you. If he or she
asks you not to leave, or encourages you to stay, you may do so if you are so
inclined and you feel the invitation is sincere.

• If you wish to bring a friend or small
chien
who
was not on the original invitation list, you must ask your host or hostess
ahead of time if this is all right.

[This
is especially important if some of the other guests (such as Boris Pelkowski)
have allergies and might start sneezing uncontrollably at the introduction of
animal dander into the immediate environment.]

Nothing says
I appreciate you and all that you do for
me
like a thank-you note. Every princess should have her own royal
stationery, preferably monogrammed with her royal crest, upon which she can pen
thoughtful missives to her many admirers. Thank-you notes never go out of
style, and are never unwelcome.

[If you don't send thank-you notes when
someone sends you a gift, you may not get a gift from that person ever again,
because they'll think you are ungrateful!]

Send the note promptly after receiving the gift, preferably
within the week. But a late note is better than no note at all.

The note should sound personal and sincere:

is much preferable to:

Always mention the gift in
the body of the note (plaster lawn gnome) otherwise the giver might think you
just photocopied the note and sent the same one to everyone who gave you
something.

If the gift arrived broken, or if you already have one
exactly like it, do not mention this in your note.

If the giver
has sent you money, mention in your note what you plan to do with the
funds:

A written thank-you
note is obligatory:

• When you are the guest of
honor at a dinner party or tribal ceremony

• When you
receive birthday, graduation, holiday, or coronation gifts

• When you have stayed overnight with anyone who is not a close
relative or friend whom you see frequently. A thank-you note is necessary in
this case, even if you have thanked your host in
person.

[For instance, I don't have to send a thank-you note to Shameeka
for inviting me to her slumber party, but I do have to send one to Tante Simone
for letting me spend the night in her villa.]

• When someone sends you flowers,
particularly Get Well flowers

• When you receive notes of
condolence from anyone

• When you receive a congratulatory
note from anyone (for instance, upon your ascension of the
throne)

Princesses are often called upon to
show strength in the most tragic of situations. When a member of Parliament or
state dies, a princess's presence is required at the funeral. While it is no
longer considered absolutely necessary to wear black at funerals, one should
opt for muted colors, such as grays, browns, or beiges.

Additionally, princesses always send a written note of sympathy to the
bereaved. Sympathy notes are much appreciated by people who have lost someone
they love. Always handwritten, these notes should, if possible, contain an
anecdote about the deceased that the reader can cherish:

Conversely, if someone close
to you dies and you are the recipient of sympathy notes, you must acknowledge
them in writing. The notes do not have to be long, but they must be sincere. A
good example would be as follows:

Even though the person on the other end of the telephone cannot
see you, he or she can certainly hear you. It is important to practice proper
telephone etiquette at all times.