Princess Lessons (5 page)

If you are the one being called:

The
best way to answer a telephone is by saying, “Hello.” It is correct to ask,
“May I ask who is calling?” if the person on the other end of the phone does
not identify him- or herself right away. Furthermore, if the caller is not
someone whose name or voice you recognize, you may inform him or her that the
person they are trying to reach is busy and cannot come to the phone.

[Never admit to an unknown caller that you are
alone in the house, particularly if your bodyguard has the day
off!]

Call Waiting is convenient and in some homes, necessary. However, it is rude to keep anyone on hold for a long period of time. When answering Call Waiting, it is proper to say to the second caller, “I am afraid I have someone on the other line. May I call you right back?” Then remember to do so.

If you are the caller:

It is considered courteous and helpful to identify oneself immediately upon being greeted. The proper way to do this is by saying, “Hello, this is the dowager princess of Genovia. May I please speak to Prince René?”

Remember: Manners Matter!

There are some
occasions when politeness doesn't count, and that's when you are in personal
jeopardy. Princesses have bodyguards to protect them. But you don't necessarily
need a six-foot-six-inch, two-hundred-and-eighty-pound (all hard muscle)
Swedish expert in
kravmaga
like me. You can protect yourself.
It's easy!

When accosted by an adversary, remember to
SING, by applying elbows or knees as hard as you can to your opponent's

Solar plexus

Instep

Nose

Groin

See?
SING!!! It's easy! Anyone can do it.

Another excellent deterrent
to physical attack is the use of the vocal cords. If someone whose motives
appear suspicious approaches you, scream. Even if your adversary tells you to
stop screaming, keep on screaming until help arrives. In general, screaming so
confuses evil-doers, they flee the scene—like frightened little
children.

Sad but true: How you dress matters. It shouldn't—we should
all be judged by how we behave, not by how we look. Still, people will totally
judge you by what you wear. So you want to show your special uniqueness and own
individual brand of style.

If you go to a school
where you have to wear a uniform, like me, your day-to-day wardrobe is not
really that big of an issue. If, however, you don't have uniforms where you go
to school, then you have to put together what is called a “school wardrobe.”
School clothes are different from what you'd wear to, say, a ball or state
dinner. Princesses' wardrobes differ drastically from normal people's, because
princesses have to be on TV and get photographed a lot. I mean, you don't want
to be wearing your favorite sloppy old sweatshirt while you're opening the
children's wing you've donated to the local hospital. The doctors and patients
will think you didn't care enough about the occasion to dress up…and that could
cause an international incident (believe me)!

People who don't
have to dress up every time they go out (like I do) are lucky. Still, even if
you are just going to school, you should try to look cool, while still being
comfortable.

So you want to look like a mod
*
for the first day of school? Good for you!

Remem
*
though…mods get paid to look good! Plus, they get a
lot of their clothes for free, no? If you want to look like a mod on the bud
*
of a norm
*
girl, here is what you can do:

Shop at the outs.
*
Everyone has outs somewhere near their home. Very good deals can be found at
outs.

Save your mon
^*
all sum
^*
and then one day before school starts, go with friends to an out. When you get to the out, don't just spend,
spend, spend. Buy what you need.

What ev
^*
girl needs for back-to-school
ward
^*
is this:

• One pair
good-fit jeans, blue

• One pair good-fit jeans,
black

• One pair good-fit slacks, any color

• Two sweat
^*
sets, any color

• Two blouse, any color

• T-shirts, many
colors

• 1 skirt, above the knee (but not too
much)

• 1 skirt, below the knee (but above
ankle)

• Socks, any colors

•
Tights/panty
^*

• Bras, under
^*

• One pair slip-on shoes, low
heel

• One pair ten
^*
shoes

•
One pair slip-on shoes, higher heel

• One pair boots,
knee-high

• One ski jack
^*

• One black
coat, knee-length

You should
be able, from the previous list, to put togeth
^*
a doz
^*
or so great looks that will last all year. Mix and match! Use your imag
^*
! Be creat
^*
! Bor
^*
your moth's
^*
scarves and necks
^*
! Wear them wrap
^*
around your head! Who cares what peop
^*
say? If they no like your outfits, they no like Sebastiano, no? Experi
^*
with fash
^*
is only way to know what look is best for you. Only please, for Sebastiano's
sake, no princess would ever wear:

• Too short miniskirt

• Tube top

• Too short shorts

• Thigh-high boots

• Stilettos

• Fishnets

• Anything
fuchsia

[Sebastiano has obviously never
been to a dance at Albert Einstein High School.]

by Her Royal Highness Clarisse
Renaldo,
Dowager Princess of Genovia

How you look on the outside reflects how you feel on the
inside, and a slovenly appearance symbolizes an uncultured mind. All the truly
great thinkers of the past century—Princess Grace of Monaco, Audrey Hepburn,
and of course, Eva Gabor—were always impeccably dressed. So put away your
dungarees and tennis shoes and prepare to learn how to dress like a
royal.

[Plato was a great thinker, and all he ever wore was a bedspread.]

Bras in tones of white or neutral—as well as one in black, but
only to be worn with that essential little black dress. Never, never, never
wear a black bra with a white shirt.

[This assumes, of course, that you actually have something to put
in a bra, unlike me.]

Girdles, again in white or neutral. One black, for abovementioned
dress.

[Girdles! I
suppose she means control-top panties. Why a princess should be forced to
conform to the Western standard of idealized beauty—the androgynous
silhouette—is beyond me; although the Duchess of York tried that whole
letting-it-all-hang-out thing, and it didn't really work out for
her.]

Slips: one black
(again for aforementioned dress), one of white cotton to be worn starched under
full summer skirts.

[Slips are what they had before anyone invented Static Guard.
Although it is probably better just to wear a slip than to use Static Guard,
due to the release of fluorocarbons contributing to our rapidly disintegrating
ozone layer.]

Five or more suits in muted tones of blue or gray, for luncheons,
teas, meetings of state, secret assignations, etc.

[Suits are to Grandmère what T-shirts
and jeans are to the rest of us.]

Black dress of taffeta, silk, light wool, velveteen, or
faille.

[Except that
Grandmère says it is inappropriate for girls under the age of eighteen to wear
black unless they are attending a state funeral. Um,
hello
.
Clearly, Grandmère has never been below Fourteenth Street, where, if you are
not wearing black and do not have at least one tattoo, you stick out like a
PETA member at a bullfight.]

Formal gown, in tones of pale blue, pink, white, or jonquil.

[No red. Never red, unless you want to
look like Nancy Reagan.]

Camel-hair coat: The perfect coverall from morning to night. Look
for a box cut or flare cut to slip easily over skirts with
crinolines.

[Contrary to
what I first thought, camel-hair coats aren't actually made from real camel
hide, so you don't have to worry about having murdered a dromedary while
wearing one. Oh, I almost forgot: CRINOLINES!!! HA HA HA HA!!!]

Chinchilla cape: No princess should be
without one.

[Um, excuse
me, but have you ever seen a chinchilla in a pet store? They are the cutest,
cuddliest animals you can imagine. Like chipmunks that got rolled in cotton
candy. Wearing a cape made out of hundreds of little dead chinchillas? Yeah, so
not something this princess would ever do.]

Raincoat: Because sometimes, in spite
of everything, it rains, even on princesses.

Loafers,
preferably hand sewn, and from Italy.

[I think it is okay to wear shoes made out of leather because
people—not me, but other people—eat beef, so at least you know the cows aren't
being slaughtered merely for their hides.]

One pair of black pumps, heel no higher
than two inches.

[Especially if a two-inch heel will make you as tall as your
boyfriend. Not that there's anything wrong with that.]

Evening sandals of gold or silver to be
worn with formal gown.

Combat boots are not suitable footwear for a
princess.