Private Parts

Private Parts

Private Parts

Howard Stern

Also by the Author:

Penis

Overcoming Homosexuality

Darkroom Photography

My Life with Fabio

Winston Churchill: The Teenage Years

Simon & Schuster

NEW YORK LONDON TORONTO SYDNEY TOKYO SINGAPORE

HOWARD STERN PRIVATE PARTS

SIMON & SCHUSTER

Rockefeller Center

1230 Avenue of the Americas

New York, New York 10020

Copyright © 1993 by One Twelve, Inc.

All rights reserved including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

SIMON & SCHUSTER and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster Inc.

Designed by Bonni Leon

Manufactured in the United States of America 13579 10 8642

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN 0-671-88016-0

TO DR. JOHN SARNO, for ridding me of back pain and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

TO RAY AND BEN STERN, the two most giving people on the planet.

I thank them for their love, guidance, and understanding.

AND MOST OF ALL, TO MY WIFE, ALISON, who stuck with me through thick and thin, who never gave a shit about material things or put any pressure on me, who let me finger her on the first date, and who loved me before I had a radio show.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Writing a book just might be the hardest thing I've ever done, besides trying to get laid in college. I had no idea I could write a book when I signed on for this project, because quite honestly, I've only read about three books in my life. Anything longer than
MAD
magazine has always been a problem.

Most people assume that the author of this kind of celebrity book just hires a guy to write the book for him. I always assumed that as well, so I went right out and hired Larry "Ratso" Sloman. Ratso's first job was to inform me that I'd have to write the book myself. I should have fired him for insubordination. Ratso was a great collaborator. He understands me and has that same sick, stupid, juvenile sense of humor. In other words, like me, he's a disaster as a human being. Ratso worked day and night focusing me on my best material. He didn't get laid once during the writing of this book and received only one blow job while sitting at his computer. When he called to tell me this sodomy story, I threw up. Ratso helped me find my "voice" on paper -- whatever that means. He's a real brother and a good friend.

This book would not have happened without the guidance, wisdom, and beautiful pouty lips of my editor, Judith Regan. An editor's job is to push you, teach you, and to wear miniskirts with black mesh stockings, all of which Judith did so well. She's a wonderful mother and professional and I don't know how she does it all. She is quite simply brilliant. Judith put in ridiculously long hours, gave up many weekends while helping me out, and put a lot of faith in me as a writer, despite the fact that there wasn't a shred of evidence indicating I could write. She went way beyond the call of duty and her bosses at Simon & Schuster should worship her.

I must acknowledge my radio comrades Robin Quivers, Fred Norris, and Jackie "the Joke Man" Martling. Robin, next to my family, is the most important person in my life. There is no one else who has lovelier jugs or the ability to draw out the best in me. She is the catalyst for all of my material. Jackie and Fred spend their day making me funny. All of the song parodies and endless one-liners come from these two great minds. They help me to be funny and are willing to stay behind the scenes while I get most of the attention. We all spend way too much time together.

Laura Lackner, my tireless executive administrative assistant (can you believe I have one of those?), enabled me to be creative while she did all the nuts-and-bolts hard work and organization. She gave up many nights and weekends overseeing the entire project and no one cared more about the outcome of this book than Laura. Special thanks to her son Bobby, the coolest fourteen-year-old in the country, and the ever-present Mike Gange, for all the hours he sacrificed, which cost him his relationship with the only woman he ever loved.

Don Buchwald, my agent and good friend, is the one person responsible for not only putting this book deal together with Judith Regan, but elevating my entire career beyond that of an asshole disc jockey. If it wasn't for him, I'd still be getting the

shaft from creeps like the guys at WNBC. His guidance has enabled me to go where no radio guy has gone before. If anyone deserves the title Superagent, it's Don Buchwald.

Also, I'd like to acknowledge the contributions of Mel Karmazin, the bravest broadcaster in the world, who has always believed in me.

Let me list a bunch of other folks who busted their balls for this book. All of these people worked very hard and I want them to know how much I appreciated their assistance:

Gary Dell'Abate: His memory of everything that ever happened on the show made researching a breeze. Gary is my main dude.

Ralph Cirella: For making sure I look good. He put my look together for the cover and did all the celebrity impersonation makeup in the book.

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Bonni Leon: Who designed the book and made this more than just some text with pictures thrown in the middle. She was devoted to me, worked well beyond the call of duty, and gave up many afternoons with her son.

Jackie Seow: Great cover design.

Cathy Tobin: Who toiled late into the night, researching and transcribing.

Drew Friedman: For inspiring the back cover and for all the great illustrations.

Jonathan Basile: Personal trainer to the stars, who got me in shape for the cover.

Fran Shea and Lee Masters at E! Entertainment Television.

To all the photographers and illustrators who allowed me to reprint their material: Jack Adler, Paul Aresu, Jim Cabett, David Crout, Peter Faris, Bill Farley, Frank Jacobs III, Jeff Kravitz, Manny Newhouse, Kerry Rae, Ted Shell, Natalie Silverstein, David Sobel, Beryl Sokoloff, Harvey Wang, Tim White.

Archie Comics, Rex Babin, Chris De Fazio, Danny deBruin, David Jacobson,
MAD
magazine, Charles McLaren, David Miller, Jack Ohman, R. P. Overmyer.

Special thanks to Barry Morgenstein, who chronicled my TV career so well and really knows how to take a picture.

Thanks also go to Ellen and Peter Dunn: I love you guys; Ronnie Mund, who is always there for me; Leslie West, my musical inspiration; Neil Drake, for everything; Dominic Barbara; Gabriela Schwartz; Captain Janks; and Dr. Matthew Kaufman of Great Neck, dentist to the stars.

Transcribers: Eugene Corey of Brave New Words, Carol Decon from Soho Wordpro, Kevin Renzulli, Linda and Steven Schwab; without their help I'd have nothing.

Ronnie the Limo Driver

Interns: Tara Bernie, Leslie Boghosian, Michael Falk, Steve Grillo, Sandi Kirkman, Randi Klein, Eliana Salzhauer.

Cover girls: Tempest and Amy Lynn Baxter.

Models: Michele Bale, Cindy Lynn Bodner, Christina Bonnici, Lynn Bratti, Michele Brindley, Terri Colavtoni, Cherlynn Dooley, Priscilla Dorinas, Jeannie Evans, Heidi Fiatz, Kathleen Gibbons, Deborah Grommet, Denise Grommet, Lisa Havel, Kirsten Kappenberg, Alexis Khoury, Jessica Lisi, Andrea Lorah, Gwen Lucas, Theresa Lynn, Stacey Marra, Karen Martinez, J. J. North, Sandra Pandelios, Lisa Pittuis, Gina Rose, Laura Shapanus, Trish Stratten, Pina Tondo, Joan Torino, Michelle Tyrrell, Tricia Zocchi.

Michael Catino and the New Jersey Swimsuit Calendar Girls.

Chauncé Howell,
Steppin' Out
magazine.

And finally, thanks to Greg Aull, Nina Castro, Tom Chiusano, Charles DeFranco, Dan Forman, Mark Garten, Steve Herzfeld, Bill Knaub, Jr., Jim Lackner, Jr., John Melendez, Charles H. Menut, Al Rosenberg, Scott Salem, Dee Snider, Billy West.

CONTENTS