Private Parts (2 page)

HOWARD: Oh, my God -- I love that! A sundress! God, I'd have fun with you as my girlfriend. You know what I'd do? I'd just put you in different outfits every five minutes. Dress you like a Barbie doll. So there you are, eighteen, you're in high school, your mom's friend comes over, and you're wearing a sundress, with a kind of a low-cut top, short skirt...

LISA: Yeah.

HOWARD:... and you're showing off your beautiful long legs, right? And you're wearing heels?

LISA: Yes.

HOWARD: I can't stand up right now. Do you believe that? Why don't you stand up, Jackie ["the Joke Man," one of my writers]? You big-bellied bastard.

JACKIE: I don't have a hard-on.

HOWARD: Yeah, I don't know what you have. You got a one-inch penis, that's why. You're probably aroused -- no one can see it. All right, anyway -- where were we? So why did your mom's friend come over?

LISA: She was in the clothing business, so she brought a big bag of leather clothes and stuff, and she had this blue leather outfit for me to try on.

HOWARD: So she said, "Hey, this is a great outfit. Do you wanna try it on?"

LISA: Yeah, and I said, "Great." So we went upstairs and ...

Listening to her first lesbian experience was more arousing than I imagined.

I wanted to come while she was telling the story. I loved Howard's lesbian stories. At least five different guys told me that they jerked off to the show. Especially the lesbian stories.

The story was getting better and better. I stroked and manipulated my shaft, careful not to hit the steering wheel. Careful not to pump too hard. I wanted this to last. I wanted to milk it for all it was worth.

HOWARD: So you go upstairs, you're in your sundress, you go in the room together, and you say, "Hey, I'll try this on. No big deal to try it on in front of her." Now, here you are, with one of the best bodies I've ever seen, and all of a sudden you take off your sundress. Now, under your sundress, are you wearing a bra?

LISA: No.

HOWARD: Panties?

LISA: Yes.

HOWARD: Are they thong panties?

LISA: No, just little white panties.

HOWARD: Little white panties.

LISA: So she said, "Well, why don't you take your clothes off so we can try the dress on?" So I did -- I unzipped my dress in the back, took it off, and put it on the bed. And I took my high heels off.

HOWARD: Mmm-hmm. So you're completely naked except for panties. And then what happened?

LISA: So I tried on the leather dress.

HOWARD: Was it very tight?

LISA: Very tight.

HOWARD: And skimpy?

LISA: It was really nice. And she zipped it up for me, and she looked at me, and she told me, "You look wonderful! You look great!"

HOWARD: And she's holding you when she tells you this?

LISA: No, she was standing behind me. We were looking in the mirror, and she was standing behind me, and looking at me. So I just said, "Thank you very much." And then I started walking toward the bed, to take the dress off, and she followed me, and she kinda

like turned me around and sat me down on the bed. HOWARD (low voice): Talk slow. LISA: And then she ... she held me.

HOWARD: She hugged you?

LISA: She put her arms -- yeah.

HOWARD: And you said ...

LISA: She put her arms around me, you know.

HOWARD: From behind you?

LISA: No, in front of me.

HOWARD: In front of you.

LISA: She sat me down so I was facing her, and she put her arms around me and my face was ...

HOWARD:... close to her ...

LISA: Chest.

HOWARD: Your face was on her chest?

LISA: Yeah.

HOWARD: She held you and hugged you against her chest.

LISA: Yeah. I was very nervous. I didn't know what to do.

HOWARD: Did she kiss you?

LISA: She started caressing me and touching my arms and all.

HOWARD: And it felt good.

LISA: And I started to get aroused.

HOWARD: You got excited.

LISA: Yeah, I did.

HOWARD: You didn't resist.

LISA: Absolutely not.

HOWARD: You didn't say, "Hey, what's going on here? This is very

unusual." Nothing.

LISA: No, no. No, I was --

HOWARD: And what did she say?

LISA: There were no words spoken after that.

HOWARD: No words spoken?

LISA: No, no.

HOWARD: She started caressing you, and then she did everything to you.

LISA: Yeah.

ROBIN: Did you do anything to her?

Oh man! I was about to come but I held back. I was late for work but I didn't give a shit. I cranked the volume up and closed my eyes.

LISA: She instructed me for about an hour.

HOWARD: Oh, I can picture that. Oh, man! My head's exploding!

LISA: Then she leaned over and kissed my mouth while she gently cupped my breasts.

My penis exploded like a volcano and my hot molten liquid poured into my leather glove, just as Howard said, "Oh, man! My head's exploding!" I threw the glove out the window to destroy the evidence and sped off to work. FUCKIN' HOWARD, RADIO GOD!

Can you believe this?

My producer, Gary Dell'Abate (alias Baba Booey), actually knows this guy. And he knows five other guys who beat off to my show! It's a fucking epidemic.

Now, when I think of my radio audience, I envision guys driving to work on the expressway, guys who need an opportunity to hear about lesbians.

Lesbianism, let's face it, is a godsend. Every man in the world is totally fascinated by those sisters of Sappho. I know I am. To have two girls doing wild things to each other with me in the sack would be unbelievable. And since I never got to experience any of that because I got happily married so fucking young, I have to do it vicariously.

The Lesbian Dating Game from my TV show.

Lesbians bring home the ratings. Lesbian Howiewood Squares (left) and, below. Kirk (me) and Spock (Gary) visit the Planet Lesbos
...

.. a planet of wild Lesbians.

EVERYONE LOVES GOOD LESBIAN STORIES

I had a caller named Jean tell us about her initiation, courtesy of her counselor at Girl Scout camp. Jean was a ripe fourteen at the time and her counselor was seventeen. They started by hanging out on rocks and having long talks.

"You mean you'd start talking about, 'Gee, what if other girls liked other girls?'" I asked.

"No, this was in the days of Donna Reed. We didn't even talk about sexuality per se. I didn't even have the word
lesbian
in my vocabulary," Jean said.

"I'm getting nervous with this story," I said. "I'm not hearing enough sex stuff."

"You're not giving me a chance!" Jean protested.

"It's a Friday! My audience isn't looking for Oprah," I prodded her. "What did your counselor look like? Was she cute?"

"Stunning," Jean said. "I only went for the good-looking ones. Absolutely gorgeous. She was five-ten, athletic."

"So she just all of a sudden starts kissing you?" I asked.

"I think I started kissing her first. Then we'd find opportunities to get in bed together. We slept in a tent and I had my bunk carefully positioned at the back of the tent, with the flap that faced the woods. She'd sneak out at night, slip up through the back flap, and climb into my bunk," Jean said.

"Were the other campers there?" I wondered.

"Yeah! The other five Girl Scouts were sleeping," Jean said.

"Wow!" I marveled.

"Yeah, and we'd fondle and pet and ..."

"I'm
never
sending my kids to camp," I said.

"Years later, my mom said if she'd known that that's what I was going to camp for, she never would have sent me," Jean laughed.

"HEY ALISON, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, CHAIN THE KIDS TO THE BED," I warned my wife.

"It was like Club Med," Jean went on. "I had two counselors at one time the following year. I did it in a church with a counselor. There was a chapel out in the woods and we did it in the church on an overnight."

"LESBIANS -- OH, I LOVE LESBIANS! I LOVE LESBIANS!" I ranted.

WE'VE GOT THE KINKIEST LESBO STORIES, TOO

One woman called in who said she looked just like Cindy Crawford. She was five-nine, weighed 130, with a 38-26-38 Double-D body. She told me that when I have lesbian calls, she lies in bed and "takes care" of herself. But her best story was the story of her lesbo induction.

"I have a really, really best friend in the whole world, even hotter than me. She looks like the redhead on 'China Beach.' There was always an element of sexual tension between us. She was also very promiscuous in the days when promiscuity was safe. From time to time, before we'd go out, she'd get dressed and I'd see her breasts and everything, and I'd just try to hold it in. I would be dying, you know. She knew about my lifestyle, that I was into girls, and she used to tease me without trying. I think she wanted it, but she didn't know how to go about it either.

"She was always kinda hot for my brother. We lived on an island and our parents went away for the summer. So one night, I went down to the nightclub at Ocean Beach and I met a friend. We were just going to have some drinks ..."

"What were you wearing that night?" I interrupted her monologue.

"I had on a Danskin that was like a tank top. No bra, hard nipples. Minishorts. So me and my friend walked back to my parents' boat and the boat was moving. I said, 'Hmm, somebody must be down there.' It was my brother and my girlfriend. And they were very nude. They were doing it. And I almost died. I wanted her. I turned around to the person I was with and said, 'Oh, you gotta go -- my parents are on the boat!' He gave me a hard time but he left. So I went down in and I saw them and she was facing away from him, looking right at me. I just took the straps down off my Danskin and I pulled it down around my waist, and I was just standing there, topless, and she stuck her hand out like to come here."

"Oohh! And your brother's there!" I screamed.

"My brother didn't know what was going on. And I walked over and I started to -- "

"Kiss her? Touch her?" I gasped.

"Kiss things," she laughed.

"Oh, man, my sister never got it on with anyone in front of me!"

"Howard, you've got to stop, I'm getting so horny," she said.

"You are?! You're a minx! And you grabbed her?" I guessed.

"I was very gentle. We got it on, but I didn't do anything with my brother. While she was doing stuff, I was doing her."

"This is the sickest, sick..." I feigned disgust.

"Oh, it is not! I wanted to make sure that she reached, because in that position you really can't."

She talked a bit more and then she hung up.

"Horny girl. In front of her brother. That's the sickest thing -- sick animal. Perverts." I was delirious. "This country's doomed. Where am I? I'm not doing anything! I haven't gotten it in three months."

One of the hottest lesbian stories I ever heard came from the lips of a twenty-six-year-old listener who had just had her first experience the night before she called in. She was a successful businesswoman who was in sales. She said she had always thought about trying lesbianism but had never really done it. She claimed to be a very good-looking woman so I asked her if a lot of women came on to her.

"No, I've never had another woman come on to me," she said.

"Do you dress provocatively at work?" I asked her.

"No. I wear very nice business suits."

"Underneath your business suit, do you sometimes wear -- "

"A camisole," she said. "Very lacy, silky, satin."

"And do you wear panties with those garters?" I asked.

"No, but I wear the thigh-high pantyhose with just elastic and lace on the top. Very, very sexy."

She reported that she was five-eight and weighed 120 pounds and that her measurements were 34D-26-36. I started getting really horny. Then she said she looked like Phoebe Cates.

"No, c'mon -- be serious," I moaned.

"No, it's true. I have long dark hair and full lips, like the kind that people are collagening."

"All right. So what happened to you yesterday that caused you to enter the world of lesbianism?" I couldn't wait to hear this.

"Well, I was going to meet a friend to grab a bite to eat and have a drink. I got to her neighborhood early, and I had a few hours to kill, so I thought I'd go into a club that I thought looked nice. I walked in, and there weren't that many people there. But it was early. So I sat down at the bar.

"The girl behind the bar was dressed outrageously, and was very sexy, and she was just really pleasant. Then somebody sat down next to me, and she was really attractive. She had on a miniskirt and a shirt that tied. She didn't have a bra on. She kind of looked like Cindy Crawford. I mean, this is stretching it, but she was very, very pretty. And very buxom ..."

"Hey, how many guys are aroused so far? Jackie -- you got one?" I asked.

"Flying," reported Jackie "the Joke Man."

"Me, too -- I'm flyin'," I said. "Fred?"

"Cindy Crawford did it for me," said Fred Norris, the man from Mars and one of my writers.

"I've been flyin' since she told me that she wears those camisoles. Robin, anything flyin' on you?" I asked.

"I don't even know what the story's about," Robin said.

"So you're at the bar, and she sits down next to you, and you go, 'Hey, she's a pretty girl,' " I said.

"Yeah, we just started talking, and we were very comfortable together. The conversation just kept flowing. And then my drink got low and she said, 'Can I buy you another drink?' At first I didn't even think anything of it."

"But were you thinking to yourself, 'Hey, this is a pretty sexy woman'? " I asked.

"Yeah, I actually was thinking that, as I started getting a little -- you know -- it took a couple o' drinks to start really..."

"And were you touching each other when you were talking? Did she put her hand on your back?" I asked.

"No, she didn't do anything yet. Then I kinda looked around and was wondering why there were no men in here. I said, 'Isn't this bizarre that there's like no guys in here?' And she said, 'Do you know where you are?' I said, 'No.' And she said, 'This is a gay bar.' And I said, 'It is?' And she said, 'Wow, I'm sorry. I was really coming on to you.' It was really bizarre but I just looked at her and I said, 'Oh, I don't know that I would have minded that.' I don't know why that came out, but I guess it's because I was feeling it."