Private Parts (36 page)

But what I love about this Mario character is she's an expert in

children's things. Hey, it was a good career move. She bombed as a movie actress so she does these dopey children's projects. But she's never had any kids of her own. She was on Donahue's show once and some nice woman in the audience asked her why she hadn't had any children and Mario got this disgusted look on her face as if she'd just been asked when her next menses was due to flow. She said something like "Is there a polite way of saying it's none of your business?" The whole audience gasped. All she had to say was "Gee, it's a very personal thing," or "I really don't want to talk about this," or "I got dust bunnies on my uterus," whatever. But "Is there a polite way of saying it's none of your business?" IS THAT HOW YOU TALK? WITH THAT
RUDE MOUTH?
WITH EVERYTHING HANDED TO YOU ON A
SILVER PLATTER
FROM YOUR FATHER? DON'T GO ON THE SHOW IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER THAT, YOU BIG JERK! AND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO ANSWER IT, AT LEAST BE POLITE TO PEOPLE!

Imagine how Phil's first wife would have felt if she had tuned in to this show. This hot bag of wind Mario was up there talking about how Phil loves women, meanwhile she was the actress trophy he'd picked up on his own show! Every once in a while the camera would flash to the old fat slobs in the audience. Why isn't Phil married to one of them since he can see right through to the inner beauty in people? Would Mario have looked at him twice before he was famous and successful? And she was up there pissing all over his audience and he was loving every minute of it. Yet when our friend Jessica Hahn was on his show and Phil was interrogating her about being raped by Jim Bakker and she said, "I prefer not to answer that," he pressed Jessica for answers. HYPOCRITES! These are the very same people in show business who thumb their nose at me. Hey, I sleep easy at night compared to you two.

JOHNNY CARSON AND HIS TWO ASSKISSERS

I'm amazed how reverential people get when they talk about Carson. "Oh, Johnny's a genius . . ." Hey, let's be honest here. Johnny's no genius. The guy who invented penicillin, Fleming, he's a genius. Johnny deserves his place in history as a guy who was a goofball on TV. Period. I look at Johnny Carson and I see just another Hollywood phony. I loved that crying routine on the air when

his son died off the side of that cliff. Let's face it, this was no Father of the Year. You love your kids? Well, how about that little mulatto love grandchild you've got whom you refuse to acknowledge? That's why you're crying -- you're guilt-ridden, in my estimation. And lay a few shekels on that first wife of yours, while you're at it.

I love slamming Johnny. He hates my guts. On my TV show we presented our own version of The Last Tonight Show, starring Johnny
Carstern.
I was made up to look like Johnny and one of my TV writers, Big Al Rosenberg, played Ed
McFat.
Dan Forman, my producer, played a bizarro Doc Severinsen named Dan
Formanson,
who led the All-Lesbian Orchestra, which was composed of the largest-breasted spokesmodels we could find. What a fitting tribute to a show-biz giant's career!

After I was introduced, I went into the monologue:

Hey, I haven't heard that much screaming since my first wife, Jody, didn't listen to me. Ed, you look particularly bloated tonight. I couldn't help but notice you broke wind tonight in your first HiHo! Thirty years, Ed, and your only contribution to the show has been four freaking letters, HiHo, you big leeching worthless no-talent fucking piece of shit. Hey, lefs welcome Dan Formanson, our band leader. What happened to you? That suit is the color of Ed's vomit.

Our first segment was the last appearance of the great Sternac the Improbable. Ed went into the intro: "From the East, a man whose ass is bright, wet, red, and chapped from being constantly kissed, Sternac the Improbable!

"Seem Salabim,"
I said. Ed handed me the first envelope.

"Punch and Jody,"
I said, holding the envelope up to my forehead.
"How I spent most of my time with my first wife, Jody."

"HO HO HO HO HO, HO HO HO HO HO, HO HO HO HO HO!" Ed chuckled incessantly.

"May you be feeling up Jenny Jones when her breast implants explode,"
I said.

"The next answer is black-eyed peas,"
I guessed, closing my eyes.
"What would peas look like if they were married to me?"

Ed went wild with laughter.

"Ed, you smell like crap,"
I said.
"May your brother share Pee-Wee Herman's buttered popcorn, you fat fuck."

Ed handed me the last envelope.
"The answer is cauliflower,"
I

289

said and opened the envelope.
"What did my first wife, Jody 's, ear look like after she lost the car keys?"

Then, to hammer home the point, we brought out my first guest, my first wife,
Jody Carstern.
A middle-aged nonbeauty of an actress came out.

"Christ, you're still a pig. I know exactly why I divorced you. How long were we married?"
I asked her.

"Too long," she said.

I leaned over my desk and gave her a right cross to the jaw, sending her sprawling.

The segment ended with Ed and me both beating the crap out of her.

Heeere's Howie....as Johnny.

Howard Carstern with Zsa Zsa.

Then we brought out our next guest, Zsa Zsa Gabor. Mind you, our policy when we were doing the TV show was that the guests were completely kept in the dark as to what they were doing. So when Zsa Zsa walked onto the set, she had no idea she was part of a Johnny Carson sketch. She was floored.

"Take off that damn mask!" she hissed at me. Every time Zsa Zsa opened her mouth, Fat Ed started chuckling away like a banshee. I thought Zsa Zsa was going to belt him one. After I tried to get Zsa Zsa to model some S and M garb, it was time to end The Last Tonight Show.

"
I
can see by the liver spots on the back of my hand, it's time to go,"
I said.
"You are such a big fat jerk, Ed, I can't say I love you. Over the years you've been loyal and faithful, though, and done what I've told you. I have one last request. I want you to kiss my bony ass one last time. But I mean really kiss it."

I came out from behind the desk and walked over to Ed and pulled down my pants. Zsa Zsa was so horrified she couldn't even look. Ed thrust his face between my butt cheeks.

"C'mon, you big marine! I want you to kiss it with your tongue."
Zsa Zsa was hysterical. We went to a close-up of Ed and his entire nose was dotted with fecal matter. We faded to brown.

But what really got me pissed off about Johnny and his two no-talent asskissers was the way they dumped all over poor Jay Leno when he took over the show. Jay Leno is one of the nicest people in the world. But he made a grave mistake. He didn't mention Johnny on his first show. Who knows with Johnny? Are you supposed to mention him or not supposed to mention him? What a crime. So this disturbed little man, Johnny Carson, who should be having the time of his life in retirement banging away at that beautiful young babe he's got out there in Malibu, sat idly by while his two henchmen, Ed and Doc, went to the Arsenio show, where they kissed Arsenio and conferred the mantle of "The Tonight Show" on him.

These two ungrateful no-talent scumbags, Ed and Doc! Why did they do this to Jay Leno? "The Tonight Show" was so bad to them? Do you think Ed McMahon would be hanging around those nubile "Star Search" candidates if he hadn't sat on that couch like a fat lummox and brayed for thirty years? And that Doc Severinsen stood there like a brick, night after night, conducting that cockamamie orchestra. A gorilla could have conducted that stupid orchestra. THIS UNDERHANDED ATTACK ON NICE JAY REALLY BOILED MY BLOOD!

I got on my radio show and went after Johnny first. "I hope Johnny gets some sort of cancer. You know how his scalp is always pink, with the brown spots? I hope that it turns out that he goes to the hospital and they find out he's got brain cancer and it eats out through his skin. And I hope Alexis leaves him and marries me. Me and my wife. NBC made this guy a multimillionaire and Jay kissed his ass, and right away he's pissed at NBC and pissed at Jay Leno. How can you be pissed at Jay Leno? He's like a puppy. There couldn't be a better asskisser in the U.S. than Jay Leno but now Jay's his enemy."

I decided to get some help in my campaign against Johnny. I decided to pray to Jesus, on the air:

Jesus, my friend, who died on the cross for me. Jesus, dear sweet Jesus, please take away everything Johnny has except his liver spots. Amen, sweet Jesus. And make Alexis horny for Jay Leno. Jesus, if you please, Jesus my favorite nailed-up person, I pray to you to let that fat Ed McMahon burst open and let that Kuato from that movie with Arnold

Schwarzenegger burst out of his belly. I pray that Johnny loses all his money and his big Malibu house and that his wife gets pregnant with Branford Marsalis's love baby. Jesus, please grant me this, you've come through for me before. Dear God, I am a sinner. I give my life to you in Jesus' name. Jesus, my pal, stuff Doc's trumpet up Johnny's butt. Amen.

But it wasn't enough to go after Johnny on my radio show. I had to do more to address this injustice that was being heaped on poor Jay Leno. So I decided to do "The Tonight Show." It became, with all due modesty, one of their most memorable episodes ever.

I had insisted, as per usual, on the number one slot. After a lot of negotiating with Jay's then producer, Helen Kushnick, they agreed. But for a few days before the appearance, they were trying to get in touch with me for a pre-interview. I don't do pre-interviews. Pre-interviews mean one thing: Somebody is sitting there, editing your material. So I avoid them. In fact, I avoided it until fifteen minutes before the taping. They were frantically calling me at the hotel, but I had all my calls held.

My appearance had become the hottest ticket in the show's history, next to Carson's last show. I had been on the air in L.A. almost a year but I had never actually visited there. Everybody wanted to see the human oddity in the flesh. So it was literally fifteen minutes before taping, just enough time for me to go in and get some makeup on, when we pulled up to the studio. I got out of the car and there was a long red carpet waiting for me. Helen had the entire "Tonight Show" staff lined up outside cheering for me. They had cameras following me as I walked in. She had pulled out all the stops.

!ENTERTAINMENT!

BIG DEMAND FOR TICKETS TO HOWARD STERN'S "TONIGHT SHOW" APPEARANCE.

(BURBANK, CALIFORNIA)-NBC IS HAVING NO TROUBLE FILLING THE SEATS FOR THIS EVENING'S TAPING OF "THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO." ONE OF THE GUESTS IS MORNING RADIO RAUNCH-MEISTER HOWARD STERN. HIS FANS HAVE SWAMPED THE NETWORK WITH TICKET REQUESTS. ABOUT 100 PEOPLE CAMPED OUT OVERNIGHT AT THE STUDIO IN BURBANK, CALIFORNIA, TO GET TICKETS, AND AN NBC SPOKESWOMAN SAYS THERE HAVE BEEN MORE REQUESTS FROM NETWORK EMPLOYEES FOR TICKETS TO THIS SHOW THAN THERE WERE DURING JOHNNY CARSON'S FINAL WEEK.

AP-NP-07-24-92 0410PDT<-

I got in my dressing room. Fifteen seconds later the door opened and Jay popped in and sat his ass down. "Howard, I gotta talk to you, I gotta talk to you. But we gotta do it quick, I have to go warm up the audience."

I couldn't believe my ears.

"Jay, you do the fucking warmup? What about being a big star? What about building anticipation? How about a little show biz?" It

reminded me of the night I went to see Joe Walsh at the Westbury Music Fair and Joe just walked out on stage as his own opening act. So now, Jay finally had me cornered.

"Howard, I don't want you talking about Johnny Carson. You can't ta -- "

"Jay, I'm very uncomfortable with this conversation," I interrupted. "I'm gonna tell you the way I operate. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna talk about. Now that you told me
not
to talk about it ... quite frankly, all I had planned to talk about was Johnny Carson." Now I had a dilemma. I was planning to do a whole rap on how Johnny now looked like the crypt keeper from "Tales from the Crypt." I was going to paint liver spots all over my hands to do this rap but, out of deference to Jay, this one time, I backed off. I decided to blast Carson by going after his two no-talent henchmen.

It was time to do the show. Jay introduced me.

"He's radio's number one shock jock." The audience started going wild. "We're here to prove once and for all that we here on 'The Tonight Show' are not members of the cultural elite. Howard Stern, ladies and gentlemen."

I walked out. The audience was primed. They were going crazy. "Jay, there's plenty to discuss, is there not? I'm excited to appear on the new 'Tonight Show.' This is truly marking a new beginning by having me on. I think ..."

"I think hell in a handbasket would be a good description," Jay said.

"It shows a loosening up of 'The Tonight Show,' if I may say so. Let me address a few things. I'm going to tell you a secret. Jay talked to me backstage and asked me not to talk about Johnny Carson. Is that true, Jay?"

Jay started squirming. The audience went wild.

"Jay told me not to talk about Johnny and I certainly understand why. Jay is involved in a controversy. I'm not going to talk about Johnny so keep it in your pants. But I am going to say something. I tuned in Arsenio the other night and this moron . .. Arsenio, who couldn't even do stand-up comedy ... Jay, true or false? Is Arsenio a good stand-up comic, Jay? NO! Say it, Jay! Say the truth."

"I will tell you, he's pretty good," Jay said, lamely.

I pounced all over him. "That's a lie. Ask Branford. This is the problem with this show. You have no killer instinct. He's a crummy stand-up. Anyway, I tuned in the other night and he calls Jay a

punkass. What do you think about somebody calling you a punkass?"

"Well, I think it, uh, just hurts the person saying it more," Jay said meekly. I couldn't believe him. This guy was too nice to be true.