Private Parts (53 page)

"Oh, fine, that's lovely and that's another thing I'll include to Senator Bradley in my letter to him ..." Anne said.

"Ask him about his hook shot," I suggested.

Anne and I went on like this all morning. This mental masturbation went on for hours. After she hung up, I couldn't get her out of my mind. Anne had drawn me in like a black widow spider. I had to have more of her. I'm a married man, but I needed Anne. She was the great-great-grandmother I never had. Most radio hosts would never have called her back. But I called her again later that morning and the conversation was still the same. All she was interested in was recording my every word and listening over and over and over again. My whole adolescent life I hoped and prayed that women would worship my every word. Now I had what I'd always wished for. And it was pissing me off.

"I want to have tapes, to have it recorded and documented," she said.

"Are you fixing up a time capsule?" Robin asked.

"You can bury it in your backyard, when they bury you," I said.

Our Christmas party passed and we fell back into our usual routine. Little did I know that behind the scenes, people were actively plotting against me. Anne's letter to Senator Bradley got routed to the FCC, which requested tapes of any shows that offended Miss Stommel. Of course, Anne was more than happy to send them a tape of our Christmas show in its entirety.

The FCC chairman, Alfred Sikes, a Republican do-gooder, suddenly decided that the FCC should go after disc jockeys. Sikes took it upon himself to clean up the "indecency" from the radio airwaves. They attempted to do that by staging a vendetta against one man -- me.

Later that year, the FCC announced their decision. I was guilty of "indecent" broadcasts and they were going to fine my bosses $6,000, $2,000 for each city we transmitted that Christmas show to.

FCC fines mount for Stern

Howard Stern Employer Faces $600,000 Fine

Don't Muzzle Howard Stern The F.C.C. Is Fining Howard Stern's Employer $600,000 FCC: Stern show indecent

FCC'S STERN WARNING

Stern: Equal opportunity offender

Howard Stern Rapped As Indecent by FCC

Nothing like opening the morning paper and reading what a scumbag I am.

I made one decision immediately. I would
never
mention this incident on my resume. For the rest of my life I was going to have to lie on my resume. This is not the kind of thing an employer likes to read. I wondered if my guidance counselor was right. Maybe I should have been a speech therapist. Less pressure. It's not easy being me. The government was getting very aggressive. And I knew that inside I didn't have the constitution to stand up to these idiots. I'm very delicate. I work out in a gym for three days and I'm ready for the hospital.

It was with a heavy heart that I started my show on Election Day 1990.

"Where do I begin? Yesterday I learned I'm being targeted by the federal government again. I'm about to be fined by the FCC. But I'm not gonna lie down like the rest of these sheep in the broadcast industry. The FCC -- I don't know who these guys are, I don't know who elected them, I don't know what their particular political affiliations are, I don't know what their morality is, I don't know if they're having sex in the back of a bus with a young boy, I don't know anything about these people. I just wanna preface all of my remarks by saying that. But I will be going to the Supreme Court to fight this."

"You're gonna start at the Supreme Court?" Robin asked.

My Freedom Rally at Dag Hammarskjöld Plaza at the United Nations. Thousands unite for free speech.

"Yes, I want to go right to the Supreme Court. There's not a person in America who would find me guilty of obscenity based on what they're about to charge me with. You ready for the horrible things that I said?
'Here's a guy who plays the piano with his penis.'
Have we finally arrived at the day in this country that you cannot use the word
penis'!
I was just watching a tape produced by Henry Winkler for kids and it says we shouldn't call our private parts anything other than what their name is. Why do we have such hang-ups about sex?

"I swear to God, I was talking to my seven-year-old about sex the other night, and she was asking about babies. My wife has basically told her that married people have a special way of hugging each other -- you do a broadstroke deal. And she asked about the penis and the vagina. She's seven years old! She does more penis jokes in a day than anybody I know! These uptight, jackass FCC commissioners, who sit there every day, evidently have a hang-up about their penises and vaginas.

"And where's the ACLU during all this crap? They're defending the KKK. They're right on top of things. You think another deejay would come to my defense. Forget about it. I'm being set up because I'm number one, I'm in New York, I'm high profile, I go on the Letterman show, I have a TV show. It's perfect to get me. Move over, Lenny Bruce; I'll crawl into that box with you. It's unbelievable. Listen to what I'm being fined for:
'There's a big black lesbian out of her mind with lust'
I don't know where I said that, but I'm sure I must have. And I'll tell you something: I'LL SAY IT NINE HUNDRED TIMES, UNTIL I'M BLUE IN THE FACE!! BIG BLACK LESBIAN WITH LUST!!

"I guess all five commissioners listened to that tape and went out and started raping people when they heard it. They're fining me for that. But I'm sure Neil Bush is enjoying no fines from the government. I'll tell you what, I'll pay the two grand when Neil Bush is in jail. That's when I know they'll be some justice. But President Bush sits idly by -- him and Bubblehead, his wife -- they're lying back enjoying Air Force One. GET HIM OUTTA OFFICE! YA CREEP! He should walk in tomorrow to the FCC and say, 'Excuse me, what are you guys doing? We have tremendous problems in this country. C'mere, I got to smack you in the head.' Why doesn't he ask his son what happened? And Jeb. What kinda name is that? What does he live in, a log cabin? Jeb Bush. But Neil Bush will never have a problem.

"
'He will play the piano with his penis'
is indecent. Can you imagine this? And
'a big black lesbian filled with lust.'
Excuse me, do I hear the word
lust.'
What are they objecting to: the word
lust?
Or is it the idea of a big black lesbian? If I said 'a man filled with lust,' would that be obscene? They better think this through, because I will not pay this fine. You're telling me that the word
lust
is no longer acceptable on radio? If I talk about sexuality comically that's no good, but if Donahue puts a doctor on the stage and talks about sexuality in a clinical way -- even though we're both after the same thing, ratings -- Donahue's okay, but I'm indecent. You're going to have a hard time arguing that in front of the U.S. Supreme Court. Even Justice Souter, that guy who's been locking himself up in a log cabin, could figure that out. Should I wear a white coat and a stethoscope to work every day, then I could say
'big black lesbian filled with lust"!
Who are they kidding here?

"I recall tuning in 'Saturday Night Live' a couple of months ago and seeing a bit where every other word was
penis.
I don't see them getting fined. No, they're going to pick on me because they're going to use this lame-ass excuse that I'm on from six to ten in the morning, where children can hear me. Excuse me, it's in the morning that parents are around their children, and actually have control over what they're listening to. This is the only time in the day when parents
are
around their kids and know what they're doing!

"If I was the president's son, this wouldn't happen. If I was Howard Bush, no government would be coming after me."

I put on my best George Bush voice.

" 'Hello? Alfred Sikes? That's my boy on the air in New York. There's nothing wrong with him, he's a good boy. Good, I'm glad we see things eye to eye on this ...' These stupid rich dicks don't have any clue as to what real life is about. Get fired up today. VOTE OUT ALL THE INCUMBENTS! VOTE 'EM OUT! HAUL 'EM OUT! WAY OUT! OUT!

"I hope Al Sikes has some money. I'm taking him to court personally. For damages. I'm working my ass off and these bureaucrats sit around, having long lunches. I WANT TO KNOW HIS SCHEDULE ! I wanna know the hours he puts in. Skunk. Why can't he realize this is just bogus. I gotta take this guy to court and clean him out. He can support me financially for the rest of my life."

Now, this tirade would have made most people back down. But

not the FCC. What did they care? They had nothing else to do. This was only the beginning.

Of course, we appealed the FCC's initial citation for that Christmas show. And on October 16, 1992, the FCC upheld the $6,000 in indecency fines. It was interesting that on the same day, former FCC commissioner Steven A. Sharp was sentenced to ten years in prison for sexually assaulting three boys, one of whom had become his legal ward a few years earlier. This guy was sodomizing three boys, ages twelve, thirteen, and fourteen. I was amazed that he didn't blame it on me. Maybe he was just trying to play the piano with their penises and got carried away. Meanwhile, as part of his sentence, the judge forbade him from seeing his own eight-year-old son until the kid reaches eighteen. These are the guys who sit in judgment over me.

After Anne Stommel there was a whole group of listeners, excuse me, audio stalkers, who became obsessed with me and my show and made careers out of reporting me.

"I've listened to Howard Stern for years and I will continue to listen to Howard Stern for years."

-- Roger Clinton

Three citations later, my radio stations have been collectively fined over $900,000. And my guess is that not a penny will ever be paid after this goes before the U.S. Supreme Court. And me? I'll just wait it out the way I waited out Pig Virus, NBC, my Washington, D.C., general manager, the Israeli back at my first radio station, and every other disbeliever on this planet.

I knew that all I had to do was to keep my big fat mouth shut, but of course, that's impossible. So they decided to make an example out of me. I got slipped some information that FCC chairman Al Sikes

had said off the record, "Look, we have to stop the spread of Stern."

Why was I being singled out by this guy Sikes? Everyone in the media from Donahue to Dr. Ruth to two-bit Stern imitators was doing stuff just as, if not more, risqué than what I was doing. But they were only going after me. Then, a few days later, we heard that Al Sikes was in the hospital being operated on for prostate cancer. I felt that, in His own mysterious way, God was taking care of my enemies.

On the air that morning, a caller started asking me about my travails with the FCC and inspired one of my more celebrated lunatic moments:

"Maybe the doctor will find more cancer in Sikes. That's the only thing I can pray for. Cancer's a good thing when it hits the people you hate. This guy's targeting me with a vengeance and a vendetta. What did I do to him and his family? What did I do to him? I'm trying to make a living.

"The only way I have a chance of ridding this guy out of my life is if people elect Bill Clinton, and we get rid of the religious yahoos. Do you understand the hypocrisy of this situation?

I only pray for cancer for all of the FCC."

I lowered my voice to a whisper. "I pray to you now, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus, I pray to you that the FCC gets cancer. I pray that Al Sike's prostate cancer spreads into his lungs and his kidneys. I pray to you, Jesus, answer my prayers. Make their medical problems so bad that they cannot pay attention to me."

"Well, I just pray that Bush gets out of office," my caller said.

"I'm in the middle of prayer, sir," I reprimanded him.

"I thought you were finished. I apologize," he said.

"Oh, Jesus," I continued, "Jesus, please bring the blessed cancer -- the freeing cancer. You brought cancer to so many of my enemies, do it one last time for me and I will no longer ask for cancer. Thank you. Oh, I feel that warm glow, like I'm gonna get my wish. See, I don't pray to Jesus for stupid stuff, like ratings. I pray for the important stuff, like eliminating my enemies through cancer."

I went back to my prayer. "Our Lord in Heaven, I pray that terminal disease will get them -- a nice, terminal, contagious disease, and it will spread to the other FCC members. I know you gave him prostate cancer but that's curable. Give incurable cancer to all of the FCC. All of their secretaries, everybody in the government -- cancer. I pray for cancer. Please, please, Jesus. Jesus, I see you on the cross, I'm envisioning you. You have a beautiful body, may I say that? A beautiful swimmer's body."

"You think He responds to flattery?" Robin asked.

"Everybody does, Robin," I said, then went back into prayer. "Drop a cancer net all over them, a net of cancer, cancer so strong. I've prayed to you a couple of times and you've always answered my prayers -- even prayers that seemed unreasonable. Remember when I prayed for the end of communism in Russia, and you ended it? And I prayed that the Berlin Wall would come down, and it did. Now I pray for cancer for the FCC, my one last prayer, then I will forever be your servant.

"Please, Jesus, don't make me turn to Satan. Help me with this. I see you on the cross, I see you with nails in your hands and feet, and I know you can answer my prayer. Notice I'm not praying to Buddha, or any of the other jerks that people pray to -- like Mohammed, or someone stupid like that. I've always stuck with you; you stick with me. We're together in this, Jesus H. Christ. Anything you want to add, Robin?"

Controversy followed me to television. The above scene never aired because my legs were spread so wide . . . and I was playing the Virgin Mary. They ran close-ups of my face instead. Cheech and Chong appeared as the Wise Men with bongs, and I as the Virgin Mother gave birth to . . . Baby Dan Forman, my producer, as the Holy Child (left).