Promise Me (38 page)

* * *

I skipped class the next day. It wasn’t something I was planning on doing until I got up and realized that I didn’t want to go and make small talk with Jack. I didn’t want to joke around and pretend everything was normal and never talk about the almost kiss, because we were pretending it didn’t happen. I couldn’t do it. So I decided not to go. I knew I could watch the lecture later, so I had no reason to go. In fact, if I wanted, I could do that for the rest of the semester.

Jack texted me as class was starting, asking if I was okay. I let him know in as few words as possible that I wasn’t feeling well, so I’d decided to stay home. I realized only after I’d sent the text that a guy like him would likely want to check on me and make sure I was okay and bring me chicken noodle soup or something. I really hoped he wouldn’t do that, because I didn’t want to see him. Of course he was concerned, but I told him not to worry. I said it was just a migraine, and I’d taken some medicine, so I should be alright in a few hours.

It was a relief to have some separation, which I never thought I’d say. For weeks I’d looked forward to seeing him, but that just wasn’t the case anymore. So I went through the motions of my day, going to my other classes and welcoming the distraction of work. I was bartending, and on Monday nights we offered unlimited chicken wings, so I knew we’d be busy. I hoped it would be so busy that I wouldn’t have time to think about Jack.

Tuesday was better, because I knew I wouldn’t see him. Even though he sometimes came into the restaurant on Tuesdays, I had the night off. I’d traded shifts with Felicia, another bartender, who’d needed Wednesday night off. She’d volunteered to take my shift in exchange, which worked out perfectly. Jack knew I usually didn’t work on Wednesdays, so I doubted he’d decide to grab dinner at Ray’s on a whim.

Of course I should have known I was only going to get away with avoiding him for so long. We were neighbors after all. He could easily knock on my door if he wanted to see me. And I thought he might after I skipped class again on Wednesday. He sent me a joking text asking me if I was avoiding him. I’d lied and told him I’d gone out with friends from work the night before, and we’d stayed out late, so I’d decided to sleep in. I told him not to take it personally. Then he told me he missed me, and it made my heart hurt.

I knew I couldn’t avoid him forever without some sort of explanation. The problem was, I still wasn’t sure what to say. Telling him I was in love with him and therefore unable to be his friend wasn’t going to work. I was going to have to come up with something. I just wasn’t sure what it was going to be.

What I didn’t expect was having to come up with something brilliant when I walked out of work on Wednesday night. But as I headed to my car, there was Jack, parked next to me and leaning against his truck with his arms folded across his chest.

“What is
he
doing here?” Kirby asked me, leaning into me as she spotted Jack at the same time I did.

We’d walked out of the restaurant with our shift manager and the few servers that had worked until closing, since it was after midnight. They were all laughing and joking and saying goodnight to each other, but their chatter became dull, mumbling background noise as my gaze locked onto Jack.

“I don’t know what he’s doing here,” I said to Kirby as my heart started to pound in my chest and my nerves started to feel a little frayed.

“Is he waiting for you?”

I nodded. “It would appear that way.”

“Last I knew he was still with his girlfriend,” Kirby said in a hushed whisper. “And I know you guys are friends and all, but this is a little weird. It’s the middle of the night.”

“I know,” I said, swallowing back the lump in my throat.

“So he’s still with his girlfriend?”

“He’s still with her,” I confirmed.

“Interesting. You want me to stick around?”

I gave her a confused look. “Why?”

“I don’t know. It felt like the right thing to ask. I also have a baseball bat in my trunk if you need it.”

That made me smile, which was a welcome emotion given the circumstances. “And what do you propose I do with that?”

She shrugged. “I find it’s always good to have a bat on-hand. Just in case things go awry.”

“I think I’ll be alright without one tonight,” I assured her.

“Okay,” she said with a shrug as she reached her car. “You have my number. Call me if you need me.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow night,” I told her, because I knew I wouldn’t need her, and she blew me a kiss.

I took my time walking the few feet to where Jack was standing, wanting to delay the inevitable as long as possible. I still wasn’t sure what to say to him.

“Hey,” I said when I reached him, my voice sounding gruff.

“Hey yourself.”

“It’s late,” I told him.

He nodded. “I went to your apartment tonight, but Sara said you were working. She said you were closing and you wouldn’t get off until after midnight. So I came here. I debated going inside, but I wasn’t sure you’d want to see me. You’re avoiding me, aren’t you?”

I looked away from him and kicked the pavement with the toe of my sneaker. “No, I’m not avoiding you,” I said, not even sounding convincing to myself.

“And now you’re lying about it. Kate, that’s not us. It’s not what we do.”

Us.
That word was like thorns stabbing me in the chest. It meant something completely different to him than it did to me.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered, not sure what else I should say. He had a point.

“This is about Saturday night isn’t it. I told you it was a mistake. I told you I didn’t mean it. You have to know that I never intended for it to happen, and I regret it so much.”

I kept my gaze down as I nodded, because tears had pricked the backs of my eyes as his words resonated in my ears.

“Kate, please don’t be mad at me. I know I was way out of line, and I’m so sorry. If I could take it back, I would. It was such a mistake.”

“I know,” I said, nodding a few times as I kept my head down.

“And now you’re mad at me,” he deduced. “This sucks. Things were going so great with us, and I had to go and fuck them up. God, I’m an idiot. I don’t even know what came over me. One minute, we were cool, and then next it was like my brain had disconnected from reality. You have to know how sorry I am and how much I wish I could go back in time and have a re-do. God, it was so wrong, and I’d take it back if I could. You have to know that.”

“Stop saying that,” I said through gritted teeth, hoping like hell he couldn’t tell that my voice was strained because I was fighting back tears.

He was making me feel worse. With every variation on the word mistake, I felt more ashamed and more hurt because of everything I was feeling. It was too much.

“Stop saying what?”

I looked up and met his gaze, no longer caring that he’d see that my eyes were filled with tears. I was going to tell him what I’d meant, and then I was going to tell him to leave me alone. Then I was getting the hell out of there before I completely lost it.

“Stop calling it a mistake,” I ground out. “Stop saying it was the most horrible thing in the world you could have ever done! It just makes everything worse. And while you’re at it, why don’t you just stop altogether. Stop trying to be my friend, and stop making me feel shittier than I already do.”

I didn’t wait for him to respond. I just turned and started to walk away, because the tears that had filled my eyes moments before had finally spilled down my cheeks, and I didn’t want him to see them. But before I got very far, Jack grabbed my arm and turned me so I was facing him. He looked stunned and hurt when I looked up at him.

“What are you talking about?” he asked me, his hand still on my arm. “And why are you crying.”

I looked down again, afraid to meet his gaze. “Jack, just let me leave. Please.”

“No,” he said firmly, but he did let go of my arm. “Kate, no. Talk to me.”

I looked up at him, my eyes wet with fresh tears. “I can’t – not about this.”

“Yes, you can. You can talk to me about anything.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head, knowing that once I opened my mouth he’d know everything, and then he’d have the chance to hurt me all over again. It was one thing to be rejected in a passive, unintentional way, but if I told him the truth and put all my cards on the table, he was going to reject me outright. And that was going to hurt more than anything.

“Not about this,” I repeated, knowing it was better that way. He’d be confused, but at least he wouldn’t have to break my heart. I’d save him the trouble.

Jack shook his head. “No, I’m not letting you off that easy. Please talk to me. These past few days have been agonizing. You promised me we’d be okay, and we’re not. I know that. Why?”

There were the magic words –
you promised me
. I
had
promised him, and never had I gone back on a promise I’d made to him. I never thought I would, but I couldn’t see a way around this situation. I didn’t have a choice.

“Kate, please,” he said, and maybe it was the desperate look in his eyes or the heartfelt way he said ‘please’, but suddenly he was the boy I’d known for so many years, and he was scared and alone, and he needed me.

I let out a shaky breath, buying time.

“Because I wanted you to kiss me, that’s why,” I finally told him, and then I saw the stunned expression on his face.

“What?”

“I wanted you to kiss me,” I said around a sigh, feeling exhaustion wrap around me.

“But you pushed me away.”

I nodded. “Because you have a girlfriend, Jack, and I wasn’t going to be the girl you cheated with in a moment of misguided passion.”

“Misguided passion?” he questioned, sounding a little amused, which I thought was completely rude given the fact that I was telling him something that physically hurt me to say. “Misguided passion – are you fucking kidding me?”

Well, now he just seemed angry.

“How else would you like me to define it?”

“Oh, I don’t know. How about the moment I realized that the feelings I had for you at twelve years old never really went away?”

“What do you mean?”

“Fuck, Kate! I’d just told you that I’d wanted to be with you for years. I told you things I’d never told anyone, and I knew it was wrong, but you looked so damn beautiful sitting across from me, and all I could think about were the little moments we’d had over the past month that meant more to me than any of my big moments. Your smile, how you tease me, the way your face lights up when I walk into a room – those are the things that hit me, and I remembered your head on my shoulder at the party and being really pissed that you’d kissed Taylor Vine, which was crazy, because I have a girlfriend, but
I
wanted to kiss you.
I
wanted to be the one you got drunk and silly with, and
I
wanted so much more than I had a right to want. But you pushed me away.”

“Because you have a
girlfriend
!”

“I know that!
That’s
why it was a mistake. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to kiss you. It was because I knew I
shouldn’t
want that. It was wrong, but damn if I didn’t go to bed wishing I’d done it at least once.”

“Man, with that attitude, you’re going to win boyfriend of the year,” I said, my voice thick with sarcasm. “I have to get home. I have class in the morning.”

“Kate don’t,” he said as I turned to leave.

“Don’t what? Don’t walk away? Don’t be mad? Why not? I’m the one who got hurt here, not you. You don’t get to be upset, because you’re the one who crossed a line you shouldn’t have.
I’m
the one who feels like shit because she has feelings for a guy who wanted to kiss her once, just to see what it was like.”

“That is not what I meant,” he practically growled at me.

“Jack, I don’t care what you meant,” I said, my exhaustion coming through in my words. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter,” he said as he started to close the distance between us.

I held up my hand to stop him. “No,” I said firmly. “I can’t do this. Not tonight.”

“You promised things wouldn’t change between us, Kate. You promised.”

“Yeah, well you promised me a lot of things you couldn’t deliver on,” I told him, and I heard him suck in a breath as my words hit him. “Thanks for calling to let me know you were alive after you disappeared from my life without a word.”

I knew it was a low blow, and I honestly hadn’t felt slighted by his lack of communication up until that moment when I’d started to mentally divide up everything he’d ever done so I’d have something to throw in his face. It wasn’t fair, but I honestly didn’t give a shit. I was pissed and hurt, and I just wanted to go home.

“You told me you weren’t upset about that,” he said, sounding stunned.

“I lied,” I told him simply. “I
promise you
, I was hurt.”

It was a vicious thing to say, but it was the one thing I knew would end the conversation. That word – promise – carried so much weight with us that it was the one thing I could say that he’d never argue with.