Protecting My Hart (Protectors Series Book 1) (16 page)

It hurts. I can’t move. I’m being pinned down. “Please, no!” I beg. Pain explodes as the cold metal sinks into my body, and I cry out.
You’re Trash.
Between my legs, I’m being invaded roughly. It hurts.
You’re Worthless.
SMACK! The movements become harder, rougher. Cold metal sinks into me.
You’re nothing.
“Stop. Please. It hurts,” I cry out and beg, my voice thick with sobs. SMACK! Rough hands hold me down, grab at me, more than one pair. Horrible smells, harsh movements. Piercing pain.
Trash. Whore. Nothing. Slut. Worthless.
“Please, no stop please, please…”

“Hartley.”

“Please, please, please…”

“Hartley.”

“No. Stop. Please.”

“Tesoro, wake up!”

“No!”
I shout jumping awake. I can’t breathe, arms around me holding me down. I fight. They can’t have me. “No, no, no, no!”

“Hart, it’s me. It’s me, Tesoro.” His voice penetrates the fear pushing it away. His arms, his arms are around me, protecting me not pinning me down.

“Help me. The pain. It hurts. Tell them to stop,” I beg him, my grip on him tight.

“Hart, nobody is hurting you. It’s just you and me, in my house, in my bed. Where’s the pain? Tell me, Tesoro.” his voice continues to cut through the fear and panic.

“Slyde?” I choke out.

“I’m here, Hart.”

The overwhelming fear, panic and relief take over; loud soul-shattering, body-wrenching, choking sobs escape.

“It was a dream, Hartley. Just a dream.”

“No. It wasn’t,” I sob and try to take a breath.

“C’mere, Tesoro, sit up. Take a deep breath,” Slyde demands softly, and I comply with him, dragging precious air into my lungs again and again.

“It wasn’t a-a-a-a dream.”

“Breathe, Tesoro,” he whispers, his hand caressing my cheek, the other I realize I’m gripping tightly with both of mine on my lap.

“It happened. All of it.”

“What did? You can tell me, Hart, it’s OK.”

“My mom died, overdose. It was just me and my dad. He drank a lot. He’d tell me every day that I was trash just like my mother, worthless, was good for nothing. If he drank too much, he got mean; I became his personal punching bag.”

“You’ve told me this before, Hart.”

“I know,” I whisper to him “But there’s more, what I haven’t told you is things became really bad when I was thirteen.” Taking a deep breath, I brace myself for what I’m about to tell him. Nobody knows this part, I’ve never told anyone, there was never a point. I no longer think he is going to hate me after I tell him this, but I do know he will become disgusted with me, and all his sweet words from earlier will no longer be true. Tomorrow, I will have to come up with a plan for Ethan and myself—we won’t be able to stay here. It’s not fair, I don’t why the universe tortures me like this. I left that house to keep my child safe, and in doing so I had to walk away from this man and the safety he made me feel. After five years he suddenly appears in my life again, is sweet and kind, tells me he loves me, and makes me feel safe. After this night, it’s all going to be torn from me again. It’s not fair.

“He used to watch me. When I’d dress, he’d watch me, I tried to do it quickly, but that never mattered. One night he came into my room and woke me up. He was breathing heavy, he had one hand down his pants and the other under my nightgown touching me and then his finger was in me and moving. His breathing got faster so did his hand then he growled and moaned, his body shook and then he left. I cried that night because it hurt, and I was scared. I didn’t know what happened. The next night he was back, only this time, he was on top of me as well as inside me and I cried, I cried a lot because this time it hurt really, really bad. I begged him to stop, but he never did. I tried to fight him off some nights, but that only made it worse when he managed to overpower me. He’d tell me every time I was nothing but trash and worthless. As I got older I figured out how to get him drunk enough so he didn’t come visit, but that didn’t work every night. There were times when there were others too; he didn’t have a problem sharing, especially when the reward for sharing me was liquor money. It always hurt, they didn’t care. I ran away, lived in my car, and JD found me. He was sweet at first, and then he wasn’t. I became his punching bag. He told me I wasn’t good for anything. I was a slut, a filthy whore. He took me hard, rough, when he wanted, how he wanted, not caring what it did to me. There were times when I couldn’t move because it hurt. If I caused problems, it was worse, the beatings, the sex, much worse. Thing was, I never caused problems, it was all his perception. He still never shared until that last time when he let them have me, he watched, called me names. Tiny pinned me down while Griz took me brutally. God it hurt so much. I begged, but they wouldn’t stop. I was trash; they ignored me because I was nothing. I found out about Ethan, JD beat me, and I still managed to escape. I had to but he still found me. The knife, the pain, God that was pain like I’d never felt before. It took over my entire body. Pain mixed with paralyzing fear. The man who stabbed me told me I never should have left; I had a good life and never should have left. Called me a slut, told me I was trash, I was worthless. With every stab, his words repeated. I just knew I was going to die that night, and I cried from the pain, I cried knowing I would never meet my baby, I cried knowing I’d never see you again, and I cried knowing that I was going to die alone in an alley, like trash.” The strength I had no longer holds, the sobs force their way out. He knows. He knows why I’m trash, why I’m nothing. I move to get out of his bed knowing he can’t stand to look at me anymore when I feel his arms wrap around me.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ, Hartley,” he murmurs, and I’m pulled into his lap, his arms tight around me, keeping me close to his body.

“It wasn’t a dream. It’s my reality,” I cry into his chest.

“No, Hart, that’s a fuckin’ nightmare, and it’s over. I swear, Tesoro, it’s fuckin’ over.”

“It will never be over, Slyde. Never.”

“It will be, Tesoro. I promise you, it will end.”

“I can take Ethan tomorrow, we can leave.”

“What? Leave? Why?” his hand raises to my face, his gaze so intense it shoots through me.

“Because now you know. You see who I am. You know that I’m nothing. Tra—” His lips fall to mine stopping me from finishing that word. His lips, my God, soft and warm. They push everything out of my head, and all I can focus on are his lips against mine. I never thought I’d feel them against mine ever again. My eyes close relishing this feeling. It’s been so long and while I have secretly loved the small kisses he leaves on my forehead, cheeks, fingers, and head. they can’t be compared to the feeling of his lips against mine, moving softly, gently, and I melt, just melt into him. Slyde pulls back, his hand softly stroking my cheek as my eyes open and meet his.

“You’re done thinking like that, you’re done saying that shit, and you are definitely done believing it,” he demands softly. I can do nothing but stare at him as his demand washes over me.

“But.”

“No. No more buts. Hartley, you are fucking amazing. You’re smart, and kind. You’re stunningly beautiful, and you are such an amazing mother. You have done everything you can to make sure Ethan is happy and healthy, that he has everything he could ever need. You are raising that little boy right; he is smart like you, so kind and caring, also just like you. He loves you so much, he sees you like I do. He sees how wonderful you are and he is so proud that you are his momma. Your strength is inspiring, Hart. I’ve never met somebody as strong as you. With everything that has happened to you, all that you have been through, you still fight for something better. I’ve seen people give up fighting; some of them haven’t been through half of what you have and they just give up. You continue to fight, and I respect you so much for that. When I see you I don’t see someone who is worthless or trash. I see someone who is fighting against her past to make her future better. I see a mother who loves her son with everything she has. I see pure beauty that shines from her heart and soul and touches everyone she meets. I see, mi bello Tesoro, mi amor, my girl,
my
Hartley. You took her away from me once; I’m not going to let it happen again. You’re staying here with Ethan. I’m going to take care of you both, I’m going to love you both, and together we will end your nightmare, Tesoro, I promise.”

“Slyde, I shouldn’t be dragging you into this. It isn’t your problem.”

“Enough, Hartley. You’re not dragging me into anything. I walked in willingly because I can’t stand for you to be hurting. I can’t stand that you are so afraid and have been for years. I can’t stand the fact that you have been so alone with no one to lean on. I’m here, Hart, lean on me. I love you and I know you don’t understand that yet, but you will. I promise you will understand.” He leaves a kiss on the top of my head and moves us back so that we are both lying down, my head resting on his chest, both his arms around me securely and one of his legs over mine. I’m surrounded in him, and the comfort and peace this brings is surreal, and I desperately need it to stay.

Everything Slyde said today, his secret, what he said tonight about me, about how he’s claimed Ethan. After breakfast, the park and the grocery store, after he’s brought in his friends to help, I make a decision. I can’t ignore how he makes me feel and how I know I feel about him. I decide to follow what my heart is telling me, to be true to the words I’ve spoken to him. I trust Slyde Cardoane, I’m going to let him hold me like this and make me feel safe, I’m going to trust him to keep my son safe, I’m going to trust him when he says my nightmare is over, and I’m going to try to see what he sees. I have to do this; it’s the only thing that keeps the horrible clawing fear of losing this feeling, losing him, at bay. I have to try, because if I lose this feeling again, I know I won’t survive because I won’t have the strength to fight.

“Sleep, mi Tesoro,” he whispers just before sleep takes over my body once again.

“Good morning, mi Preciosa.” I feel his hand caress my cheek and his rich deep voice floats into my sleep filled mind. When I open my eyes, I’m met with his smile and those heart-stopping deep-blue eyes, Slyde is crouching by the bed.

“Hi,” I croak and give him a small smile.

“Hi, Tesoro, did you sleep OK?

“Yeah, after I fell back to sleep. Slyde, about last night...I’m sorr—” He cuts me off again by pressing his lips to mine.

“Don’t,” he states simply, his eyes staring into mine silently telling me what he wants me to know, and that is not to apologize because I have no reason to. He’s telling me he’s here for me. Regardless of what I need, he’s here. I give him a small nod, and I receive a smile in return followed by another soft kiss. “Come join us, Hart. Ethan helped me make breakfast and Beamer, Kash, and Mack are coming over later this afternoon.”

“OK. I’m going to shower first.”

“Sounds good, Tesoro.”

I’m afraid to admit how natural it feels to wake up in Slyde’s bed, to take a shower in his bathroom, to be living in Slyde’s house. It all just seems completely surreal, but I like it. I’m scared, but I do like it. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I like the idea of this being a part of my future.

In the kitchen, I find Ethan and Slyde at the table eating. Ethan is laughing at something Slyde is telling him, and the more I see them together the more I continue to believe that Ethan really is Slyde’s son and that thought makes me undeniably happy.

“Morning, Momma!”

“Good morning, baby boy, how are you?”

“Good. Me and Slyde made breakfast. You want some?”

“I’d love some. Thank you, sweetie, you did a great job.”

By the time I’ve finished saying hello to my son there is plate of eggs, hash browns, and toast on the table for me accompanied by a smile from Slyde.

“Momma, can we go back to the park today?”

“I think we might be able to do that.”

“Yay!”

“But first, little man, we have to unpack all your clothes and toys and put them away,” Slyde pipes in, and I’m a little surprised at his statement.

“We really get to live here for a long time?”

“Yeah, buddy, you do.”

“Slyde, we don’t have to unpack anything, we can leave most of the stuff in boxes.”

“Tesoro, we are unpacking
all
your stuff today. I want you comfortable here and not living out of boxes and bags.”

“I just feel like I’m completely disrupting your life, and I don’t want to do that with your home as well.”

“Hart, I told you. You’re not disrupting anything; you’re not dragging me into anything. I want this, I want you here with Ethan. I want you happy and comfortable. I know all of this is happening really fast, but it’s all good, I promise. If you are really uneasy about all this, then you don’t have to do it. I just don’t want you to feel restricted. You do what you want, understand?”

“Yeah. I do.”

“Good.” He smiles and we finish eating before cleaning the kitchen.

I spend the morning unpacking Ethan’s clothes and doing laundry. Slyde showed me where the laundry room was after reassuring me that I can do what I like here, how I want, when I want, and to feel at home here. So I listened, and while I was grabbing my clothes I grabbed his as well. It’s funny when I think about it actually. Just a few days ago I was living in a shitty apartment and had to do laundry at a laundromat, now I’m in a gorgeous home, with a fully-stocked kitchen, a private laundry room where I’m not only washing mine and my son’s clothes but Slyde’s as well. I’m enjoying the feel of normalcy that comes from doing laundry for my family.