Providence (18 page)

“Mother, I love him!”

Cynthia’s eyes widened at my words. After a short pause, she shook her head dismissively. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

I could barely form a whisper. “Look at me.” I let my shoulders hang in defeat. “Does this look like just a crush to you? I’m in love with him.”

“Then stop. This is not what your father wanted for you. Did Jared tell you that? That he was forbidden to get involved with you? I won’t help you go against your father’s wishes.”

“That had nothing to do with me or with Jared, Mother! Daddy didn’t want me to know the truth about him!”

“Nina,” she breathed, “you don’t believe that.”

I could see my efforts were in vain; Cynthia wouldn’t help me. I escaped her apathetic eyes and fled to my Beemer. The rain poured relentlessly, and I was soaked by the time I entered the car. I sped down the street, the tires creating a wake behind them.

The farther I drove, the less I wanted to return to my dorm. Walking into Andrews would be admitting defeat. Worse, something deep inside of me knew that the second I stepped inside my room, I would begin a life without Jared.

When the street lights began to flicker, the rain tapped against my windshield in tiny crystals. Some of the roads had been blocked off by the flooding, and I was soon corralled onto a dead end road. Through the gush of windblown rain, a bridge came into view just ahead of my car, arching high into the night sky.

I turned off my car and sat, mulling over the last week. My feeble attempt to gain any control over the situation had ended dismally. I hadn’t truly considered giving up until that very moment.

I pulled my hat and gloves off and threw them on the seat beside me, deciding that the only option I truly had was to leave. But Jared would follow, he would have to, and I would take him away from his sister, his brother, and Lillian. I gripped the steering wheel as the realization sunk in; I was trapped.

One of my gloves fell to the floorboard, drawing my attention to my purse. Barely peeking out, the sharp end of Jack’s letter opener glinted under the light of a lone street lamp. Without another thought, I grabbed it from my purse and shoved my way out of the car. The rain immediately blasted against me, but I planted my feet on the ground, determined to get Jared’s attention this time. I grabbed the handle of the letter opener as tightly as my freezing hands could manage and held it above me.

“He’ll come,” I whispered.

With a loud cry, I shoved the golden spear into my back tire. It pierced the thick rubber, but not deep enough to do any damage. I used my foot to shove it in the rest of the way, and to my relief it made a loud hissing sound.

Icy rain soaked every inch of me, and my body began to tremble as the biting wind blew against my skin. After a few minutes, I shed my coat and threw it into the seat. My body shook uncontrollably as rain pelted against me.

I waited.

When my sweater was soaked through, I yanked it over my head and threw it on top of my coat. Down to a long-sleeved cotton shirt, the rain felt like ice splinters driving into my bones. My teeth were chattering with such force that I opened my mouth to keep them from breaking. A puff of air escaped my mouth as a wind gust sent stinging rain tearing into my skin.

Still, I waited.

Just when I thought I would collapse, a pair of headlights broke through the curtain of rain and came to an abrupt stop behind my car.

“Nina! What the hell are you doing?” Jared yelled over the rain. He took off his coat and stepped toward me, but I backed away. “Do you know what hypothermia is? You’re going to freeze to death!” he said, shoving his coat toward me.

“I l-l-love you,” I said as my entire body shuddered.

“I heard,” Jared said, pressing his eyebrows together. “Let me take you home.” He held out his coat again, but I took another step back.

“Y-you l-listened t-t-to her!”

“I didn’t listen to her! If she fired me it would make it harder for me to protect you. Keeping you safe is my first priority. Now, please get in the car!”

“H-How would it make it h-h-harder if you’re with me?”

“We can talk about this when you’re out of the rain!”

I took another step back.

“Cynthia controls our funding!” Jared said in a desperate tone. “She funds our surveillance, our weapons…everything. I could still protect you, but not as well. I couldn’t risk it!”

“So you’re j-just going to leave me, we’re g-going b-back to the way things were so you c-can buy more microphones and b-bullets?”

Jared sighed. “That’s not what I meant. You’re too important not to use the best means available, Nina. I thought if I figured out a way for us…I was trying to figure something out.”

“You’re j-just s-saying that to g-g-get me to go back there!”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Jared said. He lifted his coat and I took another step back. His jaws tensed. “I made a mistake! I didn’t want to hurt you! I just needed some time to fix the mess I’ve made!”

I tried to turn the corners of my mouth up into somewhat of a smile. “I th-thought you didn’t make m-mistakes.”

With a desperate expression, Jared took a step toward me, groaning when I took another step back. “Don’t make me do this, Nina. Don’t make me force you. Please get in the car!”

“I’m not going b-back there,” I sputtered.

The rain poured down Jared’s face and streamed from his chin. “I wasn’t going to take you…,” he sighed, “I want you home with me!”

I watched him for a moment, trying to read his eyes.

“I wouldn’t lie to you,” he said, reaching for me. “I want to take you home.”

I sucked in a breath and nodded. Jared wasted no time wrapping me in his coat, but it was already soaked through. He lifted me into his arms and in the next second I was in his car.

Jumping behind the wheel, Jared cranked up the heater and then rubbed my arms with both hands. “Jesus, Nina, your lips are blue.”

He raced down streets that seemed more like rivers. I had just closed my eyes when he pulled to the curb in front of the loft.

“Stay awake, Nina. Don’t go to sleep.”

Jared took the steps three at a time, unlocked his door and skipped more steps to the loft. He held me in one arm while he turned on the shower, and the steam immediately filled the room.

He lifted my stiff body into the shower and held me against him. I cried out as the water burned my icy skin. After a while, the quivering turned less violent. Once I was able to stand alone, Jared adjusted the temperature to a hotter setting.

I looked up at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know what else to do.”

Jared grimaced, his eyes glowing steel blue. “Let’s just get your temp up.”

He pulled the gauze from my hand and inspected my wound, wincing before glaring down at me. I watched as he gently scrubbed the festering cut with a washcloth.

“You should have gotten stitches for this,” he grumbled. His jaw tensed as he rinsed the soap away.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, worried that it was resentment in his eyes instead of concern.

“Everything, Nina. I leave you alone for a week and you’ve got a deep, infected cut in your hand, you nearly broke your arm when you fell off the chair, and you almost froze to death...or drowned, I’m not sure what would have happened first.”

“I know. You have every right to be mad.”

“Mad? I’ve made myself believe that when the time came, I would be better at making you happy than anyone else…and look at you. I’ve made your life worse. You’re worried I’m angry with you? You should hate me for what I’ve done.”

I ran my aching fingers through his wavy, wet hair. He closed his eyes and sighed.

“I’ve missed you,” I whispered.

His expression crumbled at my words. “I’ve been going crazy. When you found the mic, Claire had to restrain me. It’s one thing to know you’re hurting; it’s another to know I’m causing it.”

I offered a weak grin. “You’re going to have to find a new place to hide the microphone. It didn’t take me long to figure it out. I totally outsmarted you. Twice.”

“Outsmarted me? You don’t even have the sense to get in out of the rain.”

“At least I have enough sense to know that we shouldn’t be apart.”

Jared’s eyes tightened in anguish.

I leaned up and pulled his face close, pressing my lips to his cheek. The water poured over us as he pulled me to him, my light kiss making his blue eyes burn with intensity. He kissed me as if I was the air he’d gone without for five days. Neither of us held back, the agony we had experienced apart fueled every movement. Our lips parted, and he pressed me against the tile wall of the shower. I clutched the back of his shirt in each of my fists and pulled him against me, but I couldn’t get close enough. Jared’s hands gripped each side of my face as he tasted the inside of my mouth.

I reached down and pulled his shirt over his head, exposing the perfection of his bare chest. His wet shirt fell to the shower floor with a slap. I slid my hands down his back and he moaned in response. His mouth grew impatient, then, and he reached down to grab my knee. He lifted my leg and pulled me against him, and I pressed my fingers into the flesh of his back. I braced myself as the intensity in the small space soared to a new level; but his lips slowed down, became gentle, and then he pulled away from me after a few soft kisses.

“It’s been a long night, Nina. You need to rest.”

“I don’t think I can,” I said, pressing my forehead against his chest.

Jared kissed my wet hair. “Try.”

When he was satisfied that I was warm enough, he pulled me from the shower and wrapped me in a towel. I nestled against him as he carried me to his bed.

“You’re still shaking,” he frowned.

“I’m feeling much better, really,” I assured him.

The front door slammed below and Jared kissed my cheek. “Claire fixed your tire and drove your car here. She’s going to help you get into some dry clothes.”

My entire body felt like it had been sandblasted, steamrolled and smashed in a garbage truck. I was too exhausted to argue.

Jared left us, and Claire peeled off my wet clothes, sliding a long sleeve t-shirt that read NAVY over my head.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

She raised an eyebrow. “And I thought I was crazy.”

I sighed to form some sort of laugh and my eyes slowly closed and opened again.

Claire pulled a hairdryer out of a hot pink duffle bag and began to dry and brush my hair. I braced myself for her to do her best to rip my hair out, but she was very gentle; almost maternal.

The high-pitched whine of the dryer silenced, and Claire crouched in front of me. “Okay. You’re done.”

As Jared passed Claire on the stairs, he offered an appreciative smile. He was shirtless, his only article of clothing a light blue pair of pajama pants. In the shower was the first time I’d seen his bare physique, and even through my exhaustion I was impressed. Every muscle in his body sleek and toned, he kneeled in front of me holding a small white box.

“Give me your hand.”

The skin around the jagged cut was opaque and wrinkled from the long shower. Jared spread antibiotic along the fissure spanning the width of my palm, from the outside of my wrist to the bottom of my index finger. It didn’t hurt, but because of residual trembling I had a hard time holding still.

I raised my hand to inspect it and Jared rolled his eyes. “Is it okay?”

“Nicely done,” I nodded in approval.

I leaned against the pillow while Jared walked to the other side of the bed. When he crawled in beside me, it occurred to me that my heart should have been pounding out of my chest, but I only felt exhaustion.

Jared pulled me to him and folded his arms around me. I sighed as I relaxed against his chest; he was warmer than the shower. I was still cold enough that his skin was slightly painful against mine, but I leaned in closer, welcoming the burn.

“Promise me you won’t do anything like that again,” Jared whispered, kissing my forehead.

I buried my face into the concave of his neck and shivered. In reaction, Jared wrapped his arms tighter around me.

Chapter Nine

Healing

“Nina?”

I raised my eyebrows, but my eyes wouldn’t open.

Jared brushed the hair away from my face and kissed the exposed patch of skin on my cheek.

I blinked to focus, and Jared’s blurry form came into view.

“It’s six thirty, sweetheart. You have an eight o’clock class.”

I sat up, immediately grabbing Jared’s arm. “Whoa.”

“Dizzy?” he asked.

“As if you didn’t know.”

He smiled, leaving my side to grab a stack of folded clothes and place them on the end of the bed. “Claire brought some more of your things.”

With my eyes half-closed, I stood up and stretched, and then inched up the hem of my shirt to change.

“Er…Nina?” Jared said, grabbing my hands. “I’ve always thought you were the most beautiful in the morning. Seeing you standing here in my t-shirt is nearly driving me mad. Would you please stop trying to send me over the edge?”

I grimaced at his infuriating insistence on putting off the inevitable. I’d always been the one to procrastinate when dealing with the intimacy issue. Now that I’d felt strong enough about someone to want to press the boundaries, he insisted on dragging his feet.

Sensing my aggravation, he kissed my nose and jogged down the stairs, allowing me the privacy to change.

“I’ll drive you to school, if that’s okay,” Jared said after breakfast.

“That would be great. Thank you.”

The roads were slick with ice, and the trees and grass were frozen in time under the inch-thick frost. Jared effortlessly navigated the Escalade to Brown’s campus, keeping my hand in his until we pulled into the parking lot.

“I’ll meet you here, then?”

“Er…yeah?” I said, caught off guard.

“I thought it would be best if you stayed with me for a few days,” he shrugged, “until your hand heals. You’ll need a fresh dressing every night.”

I pressed my lips together, trying not to let myself get too excited. I didn’t want to tip him off.

“Or not…I can call you later,” he backpedaled.

I slid my arms around his middle. “I would love for you to pick me up.”

Jared’s eyes relaxed. “I will be right here, one-thirty.”

Initially, the excitement of staying with Jared propelled me through the first half-hour of class, but as the hour wore on I had a hard time concentrating. Doubt seeped into my every thought, and I found myself watching the clock, anxiously counting down the minutes.

He had left me on a day much like this one, including the perfect morning of smiles and kisses goodbye. Victory suddenly seemed too easy, and I felt sick with worry that he had appeased me long enough to disappear again.

Beth and Kim met me outside, eager to hear the story behind my bandaged hand. The prospect of enduring lunch and another class added to the stress of constructing a detailed lie of the night before had me nearly in tears. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I would go to meet him at the designated time and he wouldn’t be there.

Beth noticed my mood immediately. “What’s wrong, Nina?”

“Nothing. Why?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light. It was hard to seem casual when my chest felt full of concrete.

“Nina?”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Jared!” I said, grabbing onto his coat and hugging him. I was too relieved to care how ridiculous I looked.

He wrapped his arms around me without hesitation. “What is it?” he whispered into my ear.

“What’s going on with you, Nigh?” Kim asked.

I buried my face in Jared’s chest, and I was glad when he hugged me tighter.

“Nina,” he whispered in my ear again. “Did something happen?”

I peeked over to Beth and Kim, who watched me with confused frowns. I tried to smooth my face before looking at them. “I’ll meet you guys at The Ratty, okay?”

“Are you sure?” Beth asked, staring suspiciously at Jared.

“I’ll be right there,” I smiled.

My friends reluctantly left me behind, and I buried my face in Jared’s chest once again, tightening my arms around him.

“Nina, please tell me,” he pleaded. “You’ve been freaking out all morning.”

“I’m sorry.”

He pulled up my chin and scanned my face for a clue. He sighed in frustration when I didn’t speak. “Nina, I need to know.”

“I was afraid you wouldn’t come.” I looked down to my boots; I couldn’t look him in the eye while sounding so pathetic.

Jared took my face in his hands and kissed me tenderly. “I will never leave you again. Not like that.”

“Not like what?” I asked, concerned there might be more behind his words.

“I won’t make that mistake again. I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me.”

“You promise?”

Jared smiled. “I love you more than I could ever promise.”

I rested my cheek against his chest and closed my eyes, indescribably happy. The euphoria faded when I realized I would have to make it through lunch and another class before I would see him again.

“Nina?”

“I’m never going to get used to that, you know,” I said, frowning.

“Get used to what?”

“You sensing how I’m feeling. It’s….” I trailed off, wrinkling my nose.

Jared chuckled. “Weird?”

I looked at him sheepishly and shrugged. “Why don’t you come to lunch with me?”

“Here?”

“You can’t go to class with me, but you can come to lunch. It would help.”

“Help with what?” he asked, still stumped.

“With the….” I hesitated. Being honest meant casting blame in his direction, which I had no desire to do.

“Anxiety,” Jared finished for me. As I predicted, he was visibly upset that I felt that way.

“I don’t mean that it’s your fault, I just meant....”

He held out his hand. “Come on.”

I felt the corners of my mouth turn up, and I let his warm hand surround mine as we walked into The Ratty. Every face at the table seating my friends seemed to look over at us in unison as we walked to the buffet.

“They’re just curious.” I said as we walked through the line. Jared simply nodded.

“Everything all right, Nigh?” Beth asked once we were seated.

“Everything is great,” I said.

“You didn’t look so great when we left you,” Kim said. Her eyes narrowed in Jared’s direction for a moment, and then returned back to me.

Jared seemed amused by my friends’ incredulous expressions.

I picked up the spoon from my tray and muttered under my breath; I’d meant to grab a fork. Before I could get up, Jared sat a fork on my tray. I looked up to thank him, but before I could form the words, Ryan puffed a disgusted laugh.

“Is he going to feed you, too?” Ryan said.

“Shut up,” I sneered. If I hadn’t been so angry I might have feared for Ryan’s safety. Jared could have easily reached over the table and snapped his neck. He watched Ryan, but seemed outwardly unaffected.

“What are we doing this weekend, Ryan?” Josh asked.

“I don’t know,” Ryan answered. His eyes were focused on Jared, full of hate.

Kim spoke, “I say we go to our regular spot. We’re making that place a ton of money. The geriatrics love the entertainment we’re providing.”

“You just like older men,” Josh teased.

“Only the ones that carry around a bottle of Viagra,” she said off-handedly. Everyone at the table paused for moment, waiting for her to crack a smile. When she didn’t, they continued discussing plans.

Ryan looked away from Jared after Kim’s comment, and she winked at me after the moment had passed. The girl was a genius.

“I’m in,” Tucker said.

Beth turned to face me. “Nina?”

“Oh,” I said, quickly glancing at Jared from the corner of my eye. “I don’t know what I’m doing, yet.”

“Come on!” Kim groaned.

“Why don’t you bring Jared? It’ll be fun,” Beth chirped.

Ryan slowly turned to her with angry disbelief. Beth sank back in her chair.

Noticing Ryan’s reaction, Jared hugged me gently to him and smiled. “Sounds good to me. Do you want to go?” he asked, turning to me.

“Uh...sure.”

“Sweet!” Kim said with a mouth full of food.

“Spring Break is in two weeks,” Carrie chimed in. “Lisa and I are going to Tahoe. Does anyone else want to go skiing?”

“That sounds amazing! Do you want to go?” Beth said, looking at Chad.

Chad shrugged. “I haven’t been skiing in a couple of years. How many spots do you have open?”

“My mom has a place there. We can all fit if you guys want to come,” Lisa said.

“How much fun is this going to be?” Beth clapped. “Do you want to go skiing, Nigh?” she asked, turning to me.

“I don’t know. I usually go on vacation with my parents. I’m sure Cynthia has something planned, already,” I looked to Jared who nodded infinitesimally, confirming my assumption.

“You can’t get out of it?” Kim asked.

I shook my head. “Not this year. I don’t want to make her go alone.” Kim and Beth nodded in understanding.

“I’ve gotta get back,” Ryan said, rising. He peered up at me a few times while gathering his things, and then walked away without saying goodbye. Josh followed closely behind.

“What his problem?” Lisa asked.

Kim shrugged, but I caught her glance in my direction.

Jared walked me to my next class. I was glad that he decided to do that on his own; it saved me the humiliation of asking. Suddenly the task of sitting through the next hour was less daunting.

“I’ll see you after class?” he asked, kissing my cheek.

“I’m sorry you had to come all the way here,” I said, leaning my cheek into his lips and closing my eyes.

“Nina,” he scanned my face, exasperated. His was the tone he used when I had misunderstood something he thought was obvious. “Don’t apologize. I was here, anyway. How would I protect you from the loft?”

“So…you just hang around campus every day?”

“Unless you leave. That is my job.”

“So…when I saw you all of those times before, off campus? When I first started running into you?”

Jared nodded, looking caught. “Shamelessly stalking you.”

I felt my face brighten. “Good to know.”

Class seemed to fly by. Before I knew it, I was on my way to Jared’s loft again, riding happily in the passenger seat.

He held the door open with one hand, and held my bag in the other. I put my things in the downstairs bathroom, finding a deep whirlpool tub.

I will definitely be trying that out, later, I thought to myself.

I walked to the couch and sank into the cushions. I was home.

“Nina?” Jared whispered in my ear.

I blinked a few times, trying to focus as I looked around the room. The sun no longer filtered through the windows and a blanket was draped over me. “What time is it?” I asked, stretching.

“It’s after six. Did you want to go out for dinner or stay in?” Jared asked.

“Definitely stay in. I’ll cook this time,” I offered.

“You’re still tired, how about we order in?”

“You don’t think I can cook?” I looked at him with accusing eyes.

“I didn’t say that. I can’t say I’ve ever tasted your cooking. Jack has mentioned it, though.”

“He loved my cooking,” I said defensively.

“Jack adored you. You could have served him sludge from a toxic waste plant and he would have asked for seconds,” Jared teased.

“I’m going to prove it to you.” I walked over to the refrigerator and opened the door.

Jared was instantly behind me. “Nina, you’ve had a long week, a rough night last night, and you went to school today. You don’t have to prove anything tonight.”

“I’m fine,” I said, surveying the contents of his fridge.

Just then, Claire burst through the door, kicking it closed.

“You’re going to have to buy me another door—again—if you keep that up,” Jared growled, turning to face her.

Claire held two large, plastic bags. “Dinner.”

A smug smile immediately appeared on Jared’s face.

“I guess that settles it,” I said, defeated.

Claire brought the sacks to the table. “I was over by Thai Star. I got you the Green Curry, Nina. Jared…your usual. There are egg rolls and Satay, too.”

“Thanks, Claire,” Jared said, digging through the sacks and sticking an egg roll in his mouth. After a moment he looked up at me. “What?”

It was surreal enough to have my new boyfriend know all of my favorites, all of my idiosyncrasies, and sense my feelings. With his sister—who I’d seen all of three times— bringing my favorite dish from a restaurant I frequented, I couldn’t help but feel a bit dazed.