Prude & Prejudice

Copyright © 2012
Francene
Carroll

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner of this book. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

Prude & Prejudice

by

Francene
Carroll

It is
a truth universally acknowledged that a woman with a name like Prudence
Higginbottom
must be in need of a good shagging. Prue had lived wit
h the prejudices
that accompanied such a name for the past twenty-six years
,
but it still irked her considerably
when anyone made fun of her unfortunate title. It was the surest way to incur her permanent dislike, and all those who knew her
well
were careful to avoid making fun of her name, even in the most light-hearted manner.

The taunts had started very early on in lif
e for Prue when her first
teacher
, in a
misguided attempt to teach the class
about rhyming,
had asked
each student to stand at the front of the room while the
other students
came up with words that rhymed with their
name
s
. Her classmates had been delighted to discover that Prue rhymed with poo, and when some infantil
e wit
coined the nickname Poo B
ottom, subsequently shortened to
Poo B
um,
her fate was sealed.
Several years later, w
hen poo had ceased to be such a
hi
larious topic
, they set
tled on the far less offensive nickname
P
rune,
and Prue had naively believed the worst of it was over. Then
adolescence hit, and the word prude
entered their vocabulary for the first time.

It seemed to her there was no other word in the English language so effective at keeping
all males
at
an
arms
-
length
.
At the age of four
teen things had gone from bad to worse
for Prue
when s
he
was required to get
brac
es and glas
ses in the span of a month. When her skin broke
out
shortly afterwards
she
could not prevent herself from lapsing
into a deep depression
,
which
led to comfort eating, which in turn led to a burgeoning weight problem
. A
s th
e pounds
piled on the
taunts became
crueller, and i
t was around this time that the
boys came up with the name
Prude B
ig
gest
B
ottom,
subsequently shorted to
Fat Arsed P
rude,
whic
h was to haunt
her for the rest of her school days
.

Needless to say, Prue did not reminisce fondly about her teenage years
, but despite the
indignities she endured
over this time
,
she
had managed to emerge relatively
unscathed. At twenty-six
she held a
degree in Environmental Science
and she
was the co-owner of a
café and catering business
called Merry Times
with her parents and
three
sisters
in the town of
Merryton
where she had grown up
.
She also had
her own
cottage on five acres of land
in the
nearby village
of
Pember
e
l
y
where she grew much
of the
fresh
produce for the café
.
She had
lost
the excess weig
ht that had made
her teenage years
so miserable,
and
with her
red hair
and green
eyes,
she was
often complimented on her
striking
good
looks
. Even with these
distinct
advantages
Prue
had
n
ot
been lucky in love. In fact
,
her
track record with men was
exceedingly poor, but it was
something she tried not to dwell on. B
etween the café and the farm she was
kept very
busy
, and i
f there was anythin
g lacking in her life, she had
little time to think about it.

It was a
Tuesday afternoon
on an other
wise unr
emarkable day that the
Higginbottom
family
first
learned of the
imminent
new arrivals
in town.
Prue
was in the kitchen
at Merry Times
unpacking the dishwasher, while her father read the
news
paper
at the table
and her sister
Mary
prepared some food
at
the bench
.
Alice and Cate
,
her other
sister
s, were in the c
afé clearing up
after the
day’s trading
when t
heir
mo
ther came bustling into the kitchen
with shining eyes
and flushed cheeks
.
I
t was obvious she had some juicy gossip
to
impart, but
as
t
his was not an uncommon oc
currence
in their household
,
no one present took much not
ice of her
.

“You are not going to believe what I just found out,”
she announced
, throwing her shopping down on
the island bench dramatically
.

“Please enlighten us before we all die of suspense,”
replied Mr
Higginbottom
drily, not bothering to look up from his paper.

“Don’t
you take that attitude with me, husband
dear
.
This
is a very big deal
and you’ll agree when I tell you, but now I’ve a good mind to make you wait.” They all knew she was
bluffing,
there w
as no poss
ibility that
Adelaide
Higginbottom
coul
d keep any kind of gossip to herse
lf, no matter how trivial. H
er daughters had all learned very early on not to share any secrets with her that they did not want broadcast
to the entire family and
beyond
within hours
.

“Come on
,
Mum, just tell us,” said Mary
, who had almost as much appetite for gossip as her mother.
By this time the other two girls had ent
ered the kitchen and were looking
at her expectantly.

“Alright,” she said, taking off her coat and draping it over the back of a chair before settling down. “
Fix us a cup of tea will you
,
Prue.
” She took a deep breath before commencing her story.
“
I was just at the
butchers when Mrs Brown came in,
and she said she had been
talking to the
vicar who had just been
talking to Claire Johnstone, who had just been
to a meeting with the town council and….”

“Can you please just get to the point,” interrupt
ed
Thomas
Higginbottom
. “W
e don’t have the rest of our lives
to find out about
this very important
piece of information
.”

“I’m getting there, don’t
interrupt me. Now where was I?
Y
es
,
Mrs Brown.
Apparently the council received an application last week to lease the old
bank
building, and they have just accepted it. A new business is moving into town, and you
all
know what that means
for us
.
The staff will need lunches and they will also need someone to cater their functions
and
events
. Business is bound to pick up.
The good Lord has answered our prayers.
”

Mr
Higginbottom
was sufficiently moved by this piece of information to take his eyes from the
news
p
aper and turn them towards
his wife’s face
. “
Have they leased
the entire building or just one or two offices?” he asked.

“The entire building.
They are relocating from London and bring
ing their whole staff
of over s
ixty
with them,” announced Mrs
Higginbottom
triumphantly.
“Everyone
in
Merryton
is
simply
over the moon.”

“What so
rt of business is it
?”

“I don’t know, some sort
of distribution
company. Whatever you call that
produce
that Prue grows. Th
ey distribute it, that’s what
Mrs Brown said
. I
t doesn’
t really matter. W
hat matters is that they are
bri
nging people and business to town
. G
oodness knows we can
all
use it.”

Prue’s ears
pricked up
a
t the mention of organic products
a
s she poured
milk in her mother’s tea
.
This
was her area of expertise, and as she had talked her family into only using locally grow
n
, organic
foods in the cafe, this could be a big selling point
for them
.

“If they distribute
organic foods
that means they are much more likely
to come us
than go to
Sweet Eats
.
This is fantastic news.” In her excitement she spilled her mother’s tea as she put it on the table in front of her.