PullMyHair (6 page)

“No, Karina, I decided not to go with the cheerleader getup.
No, no it
was
cute. It just didn’t seem to um…fit, the situation. I
thought something less…cheery was needed,” Liza told her friend as she sat
propped against the silk pillowcases against the wrought iron of her headboard
and painted her toenails.

“Well darn it, Liza, I wish you would have said something! I
had plans for that outfit! I would have used it myself,” Karina grumbled on the
other end. “Hold on for a minute,” she said and Liza distinctly heard Cooper’s
deep disgruntled voice tell Karina that he may as well take off the helmet and
the pads.

What the hell?

As awful as she felt, she couldn’t help laughing. Karina and
Cooper were out of control. Completely out of control. She didn’t even
want
to
know what plans they’d had for the costume. She then heard Karina ask if the
majorette outfit would work. Unlike the cheerleader’s outfit, it had a baton!

Lord, have mercy.

She decided to let her friend off the phone. It was late
anyway and just because
her
man decided that work was more important
than coming home didn’t mean she had to ruin the rest of Karina’s night.

“Karina, I’ll let you go. I just thought I’d give you a call
and let you know everything is okay,” she said and forced a cheerful note to
her voice.

She wasn’t surprised when Karina busted her out.

“Li, don’t even try that with me.”

Damn. At least she’d tried.

“Okay, so tell me. What really happened?”

“Karina, you know what? It’s late…”

“And don’t worry about Coop. He’ll wait. This is important,”
Karina interrupted, knowing Liza was two seconds away from telling her to go
and take care of Cooper. Although she heard Cooper utter a foul expletive, Liza
laughed and gave in and told her what happened when she showed up at Greg’s
office.

“It was just supposed to be a sexy romp. I wanted him to
want me so badly that he’d say to hell with work and come home,” she admitted.
The burn of embarrassment was strong even though she was only sharing with
Karina.

“What do you think this all means?” Karina asked.

“I’m not sure what to think Kari,” she admitted on a long
sigh.

With a dexterity born of years of practice and plenty of
yoga, she grabbed her foot and brought it close to her lips and gently blew her
polished toes dry.

“Wow
,
Li, I don’t know
what
to say to that, girl. I mean, was he upset when
you left?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know, Karina. He said we needed to talk,”
she muttered.

“Did he say when he’d come home? I mean that was at what,
three or four o’clock right? It’s nine o’clock now.”

“Thanks for pointing that out, Karina, I had no idea,” Liza
said dryly, hard put not to run barefoot over to her friends new home just
blocks away from hers and flat blast her for stating the obvious.

“Sorry,” Karina said in a contrite voice.

She paused and Liza heard the hesitancy and knew she had
something to say and didn’t know how to say it. She patiently waited for Karina
to work it out.

“Liza, can I ask you a question?”

“Of course you may. What is it?”

“Are you ashamed of the way we grew up? I mean, the fact
that we grew up in North Stanton? Does that bother you?” she asked, referring
to the neighborhood where they’d grown up together as kids.

“I don’t know if ashamed is the word I’d use,” Liza
countered hesitantly.

“What do you call it then? You never talk about it…even with
me and I was right there with you in the trenches growing up.”

“We may have both grown up in North Stanton Kari, but even
then we were worlds apart. At least you had a stable home environment. Your
gran and your mom were both there for you. You weren’t evicted from your house
every other year like we were. And neither did you ever live in the projects,
Kari.” Liza heard the bitterness in her voice but was hard pressed to keep it
at bay as she tried her best to keep the ugly memories locked up and away.

Where they belonged.

This was
exactly
why she never revisited that awful
time in her life. A time when she felt hopeless and powerless.

“I know, sweetie. But I saw what it did to you. And I’m
sorry,” Karina said in a quiet voice, all previous levity gone. “But Li, there
were
some
good times weren’t there? Come on, girl! Remember Sister
Pauline, from Amazing Grace Baptist Church? The one with the funky breath? You
remember her! Somebody was always trying to offer her a stick of gum and she’d
pass and say it left a bad taste in her mouth! Then they’d offer her a
peppermint and she’d cuss ‘em out and say if she wanted some damn candy she’d
go to the damn store and buy some!” Karina reminded her and fell out laughing.

Liza remembered the old woman and started laughing with her
also, tears flowing down her face she laughed so hard. Sister Pauline was one
of the many women in the Baptist church she’d attended as a child, who was
given the honorary title of
Sister
because of her long-standing service.

“Karina, stop!” she cried, clutching her chest and taking
deep breaths. She was afraid that if she didn’t stop laughing soon, that she’d
have an asthma attack and would need a hit off her inhaler.

“Girl, then she’d go on a rant asking why was everybody
always trying to get her to chew gum? What the hell was going on?
Then
she’d go to church on Sunday and ‘catch’ the spirit and forget that she’d
cursed folks out the previous day!”

By the time Karina stopped talking they were laughing so
hard, Liza had to force herself to take deep breaths. “Oh my god, Karina! Only
you could make me laugh when I feel so miserable inside.” She calmed herself
enough to say as she wiped her face with the back of her silk Kimono.

“Aw, Li, it’ll be okay. I know it’s not easy but you’re
going to have to come to some decisions. If you want your marriage to be all
that it can be, you’re going to have to be upfront with your husband regarding
your feelings about how you grew up. He only wants to know the complete Liza.
He loves you, honey. There’s nothing wrong with a man loving his woman so much
that he digs everything about her. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t
deny Greg the opportunity to know you from the inside out. You have to trust
him and know that this won’t affect how he sees you. He loves you, Li. Just
remember that, okay?”

Liza felt tears sting her eyes at her friend’s words. From
hilarity to melancholy in a matter of minutes.

She was a hot mess.

But Karina was right. If she couldn’t trust her husband, who
could she trust? She said goodbye to Karina and gently hung up the phone and
thought about what she’d said. She glanced over at the bedside clock and sighed
long and hard. But how could she fully trust him, no matter how much he loved
him, if he refused to put her first? She obviously wasn’t a priority in his
life.

* * * * *

Greg glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner of his
office and cursed out loud. He hadn’t meant to stay so long.

After Liza left the office, he’d gone out to see if Renita
was in her office and wasn’t surprised when he’d found her gone. She’d
obviously known he wouldn’t need her assistance while Liza was there and had
given them privacy. She’d left a note on her desk telling him to call her if he
needed her.

He should have been gone hours ago. In all actuality, he had
wrapped up the loose ends and could have left the office earlier. But he wasn’t
ready to go home. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he went home and Liza wasn’t
prepared to talk. He’d all but given her an ultimatum. Either they open up to
one another or…

Or what? It wasn’t like he’d leave her. He loved her too
damn much to imagine life without her.

And he shared with Liza the burden of blame. He had his fair
share of responsibility for why they were at a crossroad in the marriage.
Lately he’d been working longer hours and taking on a heavier caseload and
spending less time with her.

He needed to go home and talk to his wife. He rose in
preparation of leaving, gathering his documents for the case as he cleared his
desk and got ready to leave his office. As he lifted his briefcase from the
corner of his desk, he was surprised when his door opened and Renita walked
inside.

“Oh, Greg I’m sorry. I assumed you had already gone home
with Mrs. Colburn. I came back to file these briefs and to work on a few things
for the Grimes case.” Renita said, the surprise in her dark eyes genuine.

“Renita, I thought you’d gone home when Liza came by
earlier. There was no need for you to return, I’ve taken care of the updates
for the brief. Why don’t you go on back home. It’s past ten o’clock.”

“I don’t mind working. I know this is paramount right now.
I’m dedicated to this case. You know that Greg,” she said.

Greg looked her in the eyes, and felt a moment’s hesitation,
as he saw something in Renita’s eyes that told him that maybe there was more to
her dedication to this case than what was on the surface. He dismissed it from
his mind, not wanting to go there in his imagination. Renita was a beautiful
woman, and he was having enough problems with his life without complicating
things.

“There’s a such thing as too much dedication,” was all that
he said.

When she raised an eyebrow he laughed, “I should know.
Lately, Liza has been telling me that my dedication to the practice is out of
whack with my dedication for her,” he said, his thoughts once again on his
situation.

“Well, I don’t think Mrs. Colburn knows a good thing when
she has it. You’re dedication and passion is what makes you who you are.
Without either one you wouldn’t be the man that you are.”

He wouldn’t be human if he didn’t admit that her words were
a stroke to his ego. The collar on his shirt suddenly felt tight and he forced
himself not to unbutton the top two buttons as he mumbled a thank you.

* * * * *

Liza came out of a sound sleep to feel Greg’s big hands
touching her, pulling her body close to his chest as he slid the straps of her
negligee from her shoulders. He placed a warm kiss in the hollow where her
shoulder and neck met as the gown slid down her breasts.

In the in-between stages of sleep and wakefulness, she
allowed him to play and kiss her nape, even moving her head to the side to give
him better access to her sensitive spot. It was several minutes of light
lovemaking until she came to awareness and opened one sleepy eye to glance at
the small clock radio on her side table. When she noted the time, she felt her
entire body go rigid before she sat up in bed and turned sleepy, furious eyes
in his direction.

“Oh no the hell you don’t, Greg.”

“Don’t be angry Li, it’s been a long night.”

“Night?” she asked, her voice rising, the fogginess from
sleep evaporating as she glanced at the time again. “Try morning, Greg. It’s
one o’clock in the morning. Where the hell have you been?”

He sat up in bed and rubbed a hand over his face. “Where do
you think I’ve been?”

“I’m assuming the office. Working on the case. With Renita,”
she added the last bit and raised an eyebrow.

He chose that moment to move his head and the light from the
bright moon showed the red flush that covered his lower jaw, and Liza felt her
stomach drop with sudden pain.

“Liza, we were working. Please,” she heard the exasperation
in his voice and barely refrained from punching him in the chest. Hard. “Renita
is a great paralegal and I’m lucky to have her work for me. But that’s all
there is to the relationship.”

When he reached out for her to pull her close, she snatched
her body away and moved as far away from him as possible. So far away that she
damn near fell off the bed. She yanked the blanket to her chin and refused to
even bother answering his comment about how wonderful a paralegal Renita was.
She wasn’t liable for her actions if she did.

She heard him sigh deeply and moments later she felt the
mattress shift as he moved his body into another position. A peek over her
shoulder told her that he too had turned his back to her as he settled.

She turned around; ignoring the sting of tears threatening
to break free and closed her eyes before falling into a restless sleep.

The next morning, Liza woke early to find Greg had already
risen from bed as she heard him making noise in their master bathroom.

She lifted her body up just enough to settle her gaze to the
clock radio and confirmed what her internal clock already told her, that it was
several minutes until 7:00 a.m. She’d had an internal clock that woke her up no
matter what, at the same time, every day, since college.

She reached over and turned on the radio, wanting to hear
what the forecast was for the day and was cheered considerably when the
forecast promised a spring day warming, dispelling the chill they’d had over
the last few days.

She slowly got out of bed, her toes sinking into the deep
pile of the Persian rug as she walked over to the overstuffed chair in the
corner of the room. She slipped her arms into the sleeves of her favorite black
silk kimono, and stuffed her feet into her slippers before making her way
downstairs to put on a pot of coffee.

As she propped her hip against the counter, pouring water
into the coffee maker, she felt a burgeoning headache coming on.

She opened the refrigerator door and withdrew her favorite
peach-flavored Yoplait yogurt and bumped the door close with her hip. As soon
as the coffee completed percolating, she poured a steaming mug full of the rich
brew and carefully carried both coffee and yogurt to the table to sit down. She
picked up the remote control, hoping to catch the tail end of Judge Mablean.

The judge was in the middle of asking why in the world the
female plaintiff thought she deserved spousal support after six weeks of an
unconsummated marriage when Greg walked into the kitchen wearing nothing more
than a pair of gym shorts and a wary smile.

“I missed you in the shower this morning,” he commented as
he reached over her to withdraw a mug from the overhead glassed cabinet.

He referred to their habit of showering together. It had
been a long time since they’d done that and she wondered why he was bringing it
up. Most mornings lately, he seemed too busy to indulge in their previous love
of showering and making love, claiming he had to go to the office early for one
case or another.

“And when was the last time
that
happened, Greg?” she
couldn’t resist asking.

“I don’t want a repeat of yesterday,” he said. “I don’t want
to argue with you anymore, Liza.” He slowly walked over to stand next to her at
the table.

“Do you have to loom over me like that, Greg? Can’t you sit
down?”

He pulled out a chair and sat next to her.

“Baby, I’m serious. The last few weeks have been busy. But
the last few months with us haven’t been…right,” he seemed to struggle to say
the words. Liza felt her heart beat heavily in her chest, a sense of foreboding
settling in her stomach.

“I’ve given this a lot of thought, Li,” he said. He took her
hand in his and squeezed it tightly before letting go.

“Oh, yes? What about?”

“I know we have some things to work out. I don’t understand
why the thought of having a child with me is so abominable to you.”

“It’s not about it being ‘abominable’! I don’t want children
right now. I ‘m not ready to go down that road,” she said.

“Go down
what
road?” The confusion was stamped on his
face as well as his voice. “I don’t get you Liza, I really don’t. You won’t
talk to me about what’s bothering you, you won’t open up to me, it feels as
though I’m married to a stranger, sometimes. I don’t get any of this shit. Now
you tell me that not only do you
no
t want children…you’re not sure if
you ever will? What the hell kind of shit is that?” His frustration was so
high, his anger so palpable.

“What’s there to open up about?” she cried. “What do you
want from me? You know everything about me, I haven’t hidden anything from
you.” Even as the words tripped off her tongue, Liza felt a queasy sensation
settle in her belly at the lie, yet she forged ahead. “As far as having
children, I told you when we first got married that I would need time before
I’d want to have children. You seemed to be okay with it then. What’s the rush?
Why are you pressuring me now?”

“There’s no pressure, Liza. But, I can’t help wondering if
it ever will be a priority for you. This is something I don’t understand.”

“What happens when I’m left alone? What happens when you
leave me all alone to raise a child by myself? I can’t do that.
I won’t
do
that.” She’d started by yelling her response, but by the time she’d finished
she’d barely spoken above a whisper. But it was loud enough for Greg to hear.

The look on his handsome face was as though someone had
kicked him in the teeth.

Liza didn’t know what to say or do, so she remained silent.
She had no answer for him, because she didn’t have an answer for herself. The
silence stretched out until it was uncomfortable.

Eventually Greg stood up from the table, glancing down at
her bent head as he did so.

“I’m late. Renita’s meeting me at the courthouse for jury
selection,” he said. She resisted the urge to say “Screw, Renita”. It wasn’t
the paralegal’s fault her marriage was jacked up. It was hers.

“Can we meet for lunch?” she asked instead.

“I’m sorry Li, I can’t break away. This will take most of
the day. I’ll try and get home early,” was all that he could promise her.

Liza didn’t say anything more, and when he kissed her on top
of the head, she simply kept her head down.

Left alone in the kitchen, she turned the television off, no
longer interested in watching any of her beloved judges dispense their
reality-show justice to a bunch of wannabe stars.

She rose from the table and cleared away the small dishes,
wiped the counter and left the kitchen. A nice workout was what she needed, she
decided and ran up to her bedroom to put on her workout gear, and laced on her
latest custom Nike running shoes. She tied the house key to her laces, just as
she used to do in high school, before she left the house and took off running.

There was nothing like a good run to help her try and clear
her head. She had a membership at their social club’s fitness center, but for
some reason, Liza had never felt comfortable there. It always seemed that the
women were constantly measuring themselves against one another. Eyeing each
other’s workout gear, making sure the labels was designer.

Designer label-loving hussy that she admitted to being, Liza
had a bit of a problem with making sure she had the latest and greatest designs
for something she was going to sweat and funk out during the course of her
workout.

Besides, being outside watching the scenery go by as she
paced her run was more fulfilling and exhilarating than any elliptical machine
could ever be. It gave her a rush of endorphins like no other.

As she ran, her thoughts traveled back to her marriage and
her husband. She had no idea where they’d gone wrong.

Scratch that. Even to herself she couldn’t lie.

She knew damn well where they’d gone wrong. And while she
didn’t blame herself for everything, she was honest enough to admit that the
majority of the fault lay with her.

When she and Greg had first gotten married, she was reticent
in telling him about what her life had been like growing up. She avoided
thinking about it herself for the most part. Throughout their short engagement,
she’d always managed to avoid in-depth talks about her childhood, choosing to
gloss over the neglect and poverty.

Sure, he knew that she’d grown up as an only child of a
single parent and that times had been hard. He also knew that her mother left
for parts unknown soon after Liza graduated high school and left for college.
And as hard as it was for her best friend to understand, Greg had never pressed
her about information she didn’t want to give. He seemed to be okay with the
fact that she rarely spoke of her life before she started college. So, it had
been relatively easy not to discuss those things she preferred stay in the
past.

The topic of her youth, her mother and the effect it had on
her were topics that she never spoke about. Not to anyone. It was a depressing
time, she was over it; it didn’t define who she was now, so why talk about it?

She made it to the outside running track and took off
running, top speed. Her fast clip eventually slowed as her thoughts inevitable
went to her mother. She hadn’t spoken to her in over five years. Not really
talked.

She would get the occasional phone call once or twice a year
at best. Her mother would ask her for money, give her the address where to wire
it and that was it. No “how are you honey, what’s going on in your life?” No,
“I
miss you and what’s going on with your life”
. Nothing. Liza would try and
engage her in conversation. Try her damnedest to get her mother to talk about
her life, nudge her into asking Liza about her own.

But Edna never did. The only thing Edna wanted was the
money. Once, Liza had said no. It was the last time that she did. Her mother
had then gone on a long diatribe about what a selfish bitch she was.

“Oh, I get it. You think your shit don’t stink…is that it,
Liza?” Liza could all but smell the taint of gin on her mother’s breath long
distance and steeled herself for her verbal attack.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see now. I raise you when nobody else
would. Definitely not that worthless father of yours who took one look at you
and put his damn size eleven feet to the concrete and got to steppin’! No,
definitely not him,” she said in a slightly slurred voice. With barely a pause
in breath she continued her tirade. “I sacrifice, carry your narrow ass in my
stomach for nine
long
months. Try my
best
to raise you right,
feed and clothe you…and this…this is the thanks I get?” When she paused to take
a breath, Liza quickly sought to end the diatribe before she
really
got
into it.

“Mom…”

“No…oh
hell
, no. Let me finish! I send you to that
Catholic School so you can get a good education. Better than what I had growing
up and this is the thanks I get? Married to that
white
man and now you
think you’re all that! Well, let me clear it up for you Liza. Unless you have
‘my
shit don’t stink’
perfume emitting out of your ass, you’re no better than
anybody else!”

“You know what, Mom?” Liza didn’t know if she should laugh
or cry at the utter ridiculousness of what was a classic Edna speech. Perfume “
emitting
out of her ass”
. Classic, crazy Edna-isms. “I have no problem giving you
money,” she began.

“I don’t need you to
give
me shit, Liza!” If possible
her voice had risen in octaves beyond anything she’d ever achieved. It had to
be a record.

“I’m sorry. I know that you don’t
need
me, Mom. I
don’t have a problem lending you money.”

“Oh just forget it! I don’t need anything from you! You’re
just like that selfish bastard of a father of yours. Don’t give a damn about
anyone but yourself!” She ended, once again, in classic Edna style. Talking
about a father Liza never met, much less someone she could compare herself with
and find lacking.

And once again the tables had turned.
Liza
found
herself practically begging her mother to take her money. “Please, Mom. Give me
the address and I’ll wire the money,” she asked on a stifled sigh.

Her mother had feigned reluctance before she eventually gave
her the address. Liza had then asked her where she was living and if her mother
ever thought she’d come back to Stanton to visit. Edna had vaguely informed her
that she’d have to check it out, see what was on her schedule before she’d
commit to anything.

Liza had no idea what could be so pressing on her mother’s
schedule that she couldn’t take the time out to come and visit her. Although
her mother was always out of money, she did work. She was a registered nurse
and never found difficulties finding a job as nursing was one of those
professions that there seemed to always have shortages.

She also made decent money as a nurse, whenever she worked.
The lack of a job or education wasn’t Edna’s problem. Her problem was her
addiction to alcohol and anti-depressants. It was a rare day that her mother
wasn’t either drunk or depressed. And usually, she was both.

But, she was a functioning drunk for the most part, as it
had become a normal part of who she was. She was able to work some of the time,
attend functions that were job related. But because work wasn’t steady, she and
Liza had been on public assistance throughout most of Liza’s life as a child.

Her mother had never attended any functions as Liza was
growing up. For that, Liza had turned to Karina and her family. She could
always rely on Karina’s Big Momma and mother to come and see her in plays and
recitals that every child looked forward to having a parent attend. Edna would
claim she had a headache from working, or would simply coldly reject the
possibility that she would come with little or no explanation.

At times like that, Liza would imagine that she had a father
who was far away. A father who, for a variety of made-up reasons that only a
child could come up with, couldn’t rescue her from her mother.

But, had he been able to, not only would he have taken her
away, neither would he’d miss her recital for anything in the world. And like
Karina’s grandmother and mother, he would be there with a small bouquet of
flowers just for her at the end of the recitals.

Liza continued to run around the track, wiping her face,
ignoring the fact that it wasn’t only sweat that she wiped from her flushed cheeks.
She ignored the fact that the burning sting in her eyes had nothing to do with
the exertion from her run, but instead had everything to do with her trip down
memory lane.