Punk'd and Skunked (3 page)

I left Rotten House and took myself for a walk across campus. Maybe the sun was shining, maybe not. Maybe it was a warm day, maybe cold.

I couldn't care less.

I was thinking hard. And when Bernie B.'s brain starts chugging, I can't see or hear anything but my brilliant thoughts.

Once again I had to do all the work. My guys were clueless. I had to dream up something awesome to win the contest.

How about shoes you can also wear as gloves?

A light-up comb so you can see your hair in the dark? Brilliant—but not brilliant enough.

I had my head down as I walked. I was thinking so hard, I could feel my brain turning somersaults in my skull.

“Whoa—” I bumped right into the Peevish twins. Flora and Fauna Peevish are totally identical. They are both short and thin with brown eyes and mousy brown hair.

“Hi, Bernie,” Flora said.

How did I know she was Flora? She was the one standing next to Fauna.

“Why don't you watch where you're going?” Fauna asked.

I snapped my fingers. “Awesome!” I said. “That might be an awesome invention. A machine that watches where you're going
for
you!”

Fauna rolled her eyes. “You're entering the Make-a-Great Invention Contest? You've already lost. We're gonna win.”

“Are you kidding?” I replied. “I have my suitcase packed. And I'm learning the Preppy Prep Prep school song.”

I started to sing the first chorus….

Flora had her hands clamped over her ears. Fauna was chewing her hair.

“Don't worry,” I said. “You two won't have to hear that song again. Because you'll be staying here at Rotten School. My dudes and I will be keeping in step, step, step at Preppy Prep Prep.”

I started to sing again.

Flora gave me a hard punch in the stomach that stopped the song in mid-
Prep
.

“What's your great invention, Bernie?” Fauna asked.

“Think I'd tell YOU?” I said. “You'd steal it in a second!”

“He doesn't have an idea,” Flora told her sister. They both snickered. The Peevish twins have a nasty snicker.

“Well, what's
your
brilliant idea?” I asked.

“Flora and I have an awesome invention,” Fauna said. “But we don't know if the other girls will like it.”

They both stuck their hands out. They were each holding a long broomstick.

I laughed. “Are you going to fly those to dinner tonight?”

They both rolled their eyes. “Not brooms,” Flora said. “Look.” They held them higher. At the end of each broomstick was a large, white hand.

“It's a Reacher,” Fauna said. “The hand opens and closes.”

I squinted at them. “A Reacher?”

“Yeah. For reaching things on a high shelf,” she answered. “You stretch out the stick, the hand grabs the thing that's up high, and you can pull it down.”

“Not bad,” I said.

“And it was all my idea,” Flora said.

“No way!” Fauna cried. “I thought of it first!”

“You're dreaming!” Flora cried. “I invented it.”

“No—me!”

“Liar!”

“Double liar!”

“OWWW!”

Fauna swung her broomstick and slapped Flora in the face with the big, white hand.

Flora swung her broomstick and slapped Fauna.

SLAP!

“OWWW!”

SLAP!

“OWWW!”

They were slapping each other silly with the big hands.

“Maybe you should call them
Slappers
,” I said.

SLAAAP. SLAAP!

I waved good-bye and walked away. And there stood April-May June in front of the girls' dorm. April-May June, the blondest, cutest, blue-eyed-iest girl on campus.

My girlfriend.

If only she didn't
pretend
she didn't like me! If only she wasn't so
shy
when I was around.

“April-May!” I called. “April-May—wait up!”

She turned and started to run.

See? I told you she was shy.

April-May ran straight into a brick dorm wall. I had her trapped. She crossed her arms in front of her. “What do you want, Bernie?”

I could tell she was happy to see me by the way she curled her upper lip into a sneer.

“You look awesome today,” I said.

“You look like the worm I found in my salad,” she replied.

See? She couldn't hide how much she liked me.

“What invention is the girls' dorm working on for the contest?” I asked. “Just curious.”

She stared at me. “It's a germ catcher. We call it Bernie.”

I
love
a girl with a sense of humor.

“What's the Rotten House invention?” April-May asked. “Wait. Let me guess. It's a new way to barf through your nose.”

Funny? I told you—she's a riot.

“Give up, Bernie. Rotten House can't win,” April-May said. “Since you're so curious, I'll tell you what my idea is. It's a rainmaking machine.”

I laughed. “For sure,” I said. “And at Rotten House we invented a machine that turns dirt into peanut butter!”

She sneered at me again. What a
beautiful
sneer! “You don't believe me? I'll show you,” she said.

“You're gonna make it rain?” I said.

“Stand right there. Don't move,” she said. She turned and ran into the dorm, her blond ponytail bouncing behind her like a…like a…like a ponytail.

“She's gotta be kidding,” I told myself. A machine that makes it rain? That's totally
insane.

DRIP. DRIP.

I felt a few raindrops on my shoulder.

A few more raindrops on top of my head.

“She did it!” I cried. “She can make it rain!”

“Owwww!” Something hit me hard.

Cold water poured down my hair and my face.

I looked up and saw April-May leaning out a high window. She was dropping water balloons down onto me.

She had the most
awesome
smile on her face!

My shoes squished as I slumped away. I was drenched. And I still had no idea for an invention.

Shaking off water, I made my way back to Rotten House. I stepped into the front hall and saw Mrs. Heinie, our dorm mother. She was leaning over a table,
using a DustBuster. The DustBuster roared as she swept it back and forth.

Mrs. Heinie stopped for a second—tilted back her head—and sneezed.

And it gave me an idea. An AMAZING idea for an invention!

“Thank you, Mrs. Heinie!” I shouted happily. “Thank you! Thank you!”

She wiped the snot off her nose with the back of one hand. “You're welcome,” she said.

The morning of the contest, Belzer carried my invention to the auditorium. “Careful with that,” I said, walking beside him. “It's worth a FORTUNE.”

We stepped into the auditorium. “I feel kinda nervous,” Belzer said. “
URRRRRRP
. Oh, no. I just burped up some of my breakfast.”

“How many times do I have to tell you?
Peel
your hard-boiled eggs before you eat them!” I said.

I grabbed the invention away from him. I used his T-shirt to wipe the barf off.

The auditorium was packed with Rotten School
kids. I held the invention up high as I walked down the aisle. “Don't cheer now!” I shouted. “Hold your applause till after I win!”

The three judges were already onstage—Headmaster Upchuck, Mrs. Heinie, and Mr. Skruloose, the assistant headmaster. They sat at a long table in front of the curtain.

Headmaster Upchuck is pink and bald and very short. He was sitting on two phone books, but his head still didn't come above the table.

Mrs. Heinie was dressed in the official school colors—puke green, vomit purple, and you-know-
what yellow. She had a sweet smile on her face as she squinted out at the audience through her thick glasses.

Mr. Skruloose is a big, balloon-chested, stiff-as-a-broom, tough-guy dude. He thinks he's in the army or something. He calls every kid
soldier
and makes us march to class—even the first graders.

I saw that spoiled rich kid Sherman Oaks jump onstage. Sherman lives in Nyce House, the dorm we all hate. Sherman is so spoiled and rich, he pays someone to floss his teeth for him. No joke.

I saw what Sherman was doing onstage. He was slipping each judge a hundred-dollar bill. That made me a little tense.

“Don't worry about Sherman,” I told
myself. “
No way
this machine can lose!”

I flashed the judges a thumbs-up and gave them my big Bernie B. grin. And I carried my invention backstage.

The guys from Nyce House and the girls from the girls' dorm were standing tensely beside their inventions. They were waiting for the curtain to go up and the contest to begin.

I held my machine up to them. “You can tell a real winner when you see it!” I said. “No one will blame you if you quit now!”

“Where did you find that piece of junk?” Sherman Oaks sneered. “At the trash dump?”

April-May sneered, too. “Bernie, did you make that out of LEGO blocks when you were five?”

Everyone laughed.

The curtain rolled up. We were standing in front of the whole school. “Welcome, Rotten students,” Headmaster Upchuck said. “As you know, all three dorms are competing today in the Make-a-Great-Invention Contest. Kids from the winning dorm will go to Preppy Prep Prep for a week.”

“My bags are packed, sir,” I said. I held up my
machine. “Maybe you'd like to save time and pick the winner now.”

The Upchuck ignored me. “Nyce House will go first,” he said. “Tell us about your dorm's invention, Sherman.”

Sherman stepped forward. He smiled his perfect smile at the judges. He held his invention in one hand. It glowed in the spotlight.

“It's a solid platinum cell phone,” he said.

“Very good, soldier,” said Mr. Skruloose. “That's a beauty. How did you make it?”

“I didn't make it,” Sherman replied. “My parents bought it for me. It's worth five thousand dollars.”

Mrs. Heinie squinted at it through her thick glasses. “Oh, my. You mean you didn't invent it?”

Sherman shook his head. “No. But that's not the important part. Let me tell you the important part.”

Headmaster Upchuck scratched his bald head. “Important part?”

Sherman nodded. “I'm going to sell the platinum and give
all
the money to you three judges!” he said.

A grin spread over Headmaster Upchuck's pink face. “Oh. Very good,” he said. “Very good invention,
Sherman. I like it!”

“Soldier, I
never
take bribes,” Skruloose said. “But you've won me over with this one. I salute you!” He gave a snappy, two-fingered salute. “Very clever, soldier. Excellent!”

Mrs. Heinie was smiling, too. “I think we have a winner,” she said. “But let's see what the girls invented.”

April-May June stepped to one side of the stage with her friend Sharonda Davis. They pulled out a HUGE machine, about eight feet tall. It had pipes and coils and electrical wires, and two long arms with metal pinchers at their ends.

April-May and Sharonda walked offstage and came back pushing a small bed. They lined it up next to the machine.

“Let me show you how this works,” Sharonda said. She pushed a button on the machine, and the two pincher-arms started to move.

“Our invention makes the bed for you in the morning,” April-May said. “Look. It even fluffs up the pillow.”

The two arms straightened the bedcovers. Then
they fluffed the pillow.

“Watch carefully,” Sharonda said. “When the machine is finished, it folds up and becomes a couch.”

The machine folded in on itself. A huge cushion slid up. The two girls sat down on the couch.

The auditorium roared with applause.

“Pretty good,” Headmaster Upchuck said. “Pretty good.”

“Not as good as Sherman's phone,” Skruloose said. “Of course, the money he's going to give us has
nothing
to do with my decision.”

Sherman ran over and pushed another hundred-dollar bill into Skruloose's shirt pocket.

“We should stop here,” Mrs. Heinie said. “But I suppose we have to see what my Rotten House boys have done.”

Skruloose motioned to me. “Stand at attention, soldier. Show us your invention.”

“Oh, wow. It's showtime. Here goes,” I said. “Wish me luck, dudes.”