Punk'd and Skunked (4 page)

I stepped to the front of the stage. “I'd like to start out by singing the Preppy Prep Prep school song,” I said. “I learned it because I know that my friends and I will be going there right after we win the contest.”

I took a deep breath and started to sing.

Some kids started to hiss and boo. Guys screamed for me to stop. Fights broke out.

“SOLDIER, JUST SHOW US THE INVENTION!” Skruloose bellowed, waving a fist in the air.

“The invention?” I said. “But I have six more verses of the song.”

“BOOOOOO!”

“Okay, okay. Here it is,” I said, holding it high. “I know it's brilliant. You don't have to cheer or applaud.”

“What is it?” Mrs. Heinie asked.

“It's a battery-powered Nose Vac,” I said. “You know. Sometimes it's hard to blow your nose. Or your nose is feeling kinda stuffed up. But you're in class, so you can't really pick it.”

All three judges squinted at me in silence. I guess they were totally impressed.

“This has 1000-horsepower suck-ability,” I said. “You hold this nozzle up to your nose, flick it on—and it suctions out your nose so you'll never have to blow it again.”

Headmaster Upchuck shook his head and frowned. “I think we've seen enough,” he said.

“Get off the stage,” Mr. Skruloose growled.

“No, wait,” I said. “I have a demonstration. I
think this will impress you a lot.”

I called my buddy Feenman out onstage. “Feenman, how's your nose?” I asked.

“All stuffed up,” Feenman said, just as we had rehearsed. He sniffed, then gave out six or seven really loud sneezes. By the time he finished, I was soaking wet.

“Don't overdo it,” I whispered. I turned to the audience. “Watch how the Nose Vac quickly takes care of the problem.”

I clicked it on. The machine let out a roar. I raised it to Feenman's nose. The Nose Vac roared and kicked.

Feenman's eyes bulged—and he opened his mouth in a HOWL of pain!

I struggled to pull the Nose Vac off—but it was
stuck to his nose
!

“Get it off! Get it OFF!” he shrieked.

I tugged it and twisted it and pulled with all my strength.

“OWWWWW! It hurts! It HURTS!” Feenman wailed.

“Shhhh. Quiet,” I said. “You're ruining our chances.”

Finally, I clicked the Nose Vac off and dropped it to the stage. Feenman raised a hand to his nose. “It's
inside out
!” he shrieked. “You turned my nose INSIDE OUT!”

I kept a big grin on my face. “It's supposed to do that!” I told the judges. “That's Step One.”

Feenman held his nose and wailed in pain.

“That scream—that was Step Two!” I said.

“Hurry—get Feenman to the nurse!” Mrs. Heinie cried.

“Okay, okay. The Nose Vac has a few bugs,” I said. “But it's still the
best
—right?”

Headmaster Upchuck climbed to his feet. “The judges have reached a decision,” he said.

“MY NOSE!

A hush fell over the auditorium. Everyone was silent—except for Feenman, who was still screaming and holding his inside-out nose.

“The girls' invention is the best!” Upchuck announced.

April-May and Sharonda and all the girls in the auditorium went wild, cheering and shouting, jumping in the air and slapping high fives.

“We're going to PPP!” they cheered. “We're going to PPP!”

I fell to the floor on my knees. I buried my face in
my hands. I could feel my heart breaking in two.

“We're going to Preppy Prep Prep!” Sharonda shouted.

“No, you're not,” Headmaster Upchuck said.

The room grew silent again.

“The girls' invention is the best,” Upchuck said. “But who
cares
? Do you really think I'd give up a chance to
get rid
of Bernie Bridges for a
whole week
?”

I raised my head. I climbed back to my feet. What was he saying?

“I've been dreaming of this moment!” Upchuck said. “I've tried locks on my door. I've tried locks on
Bernie's
door! I've tried electric fences! I've tried voodoo dolls!
Anything
to keep Bernie away. And today…today my dream has come true. A whole week without Bernie Bridges!”

My mouth dropped open. I cupped one ear. Was I really hearing what I was hearing?

“Bernie's invention
stinks
!” Upchuck said. “But I don't
care
! Bernie and his friends are going to Preppy Prep Prep. Good-bye, boys, and good luck!”

A week later, Feenman, Crench, Belzer, and I stared out the windows as our bus pulled up to the Preppy Prep Prep campus. We gazed at a field of white and yellow flowers, a wide, green lawn, tennis courts, and tall buildings covered in ivy.

Two girls trotted past us on horseback. “Check out the stables over there,” I said, pointing to a long, red-roofed building.

“Bernie, what are those kids doing with those hammers?” Belzer asked.

I squinted out at the lawn. “Those aren't hammers.
They're mallets. They're playing croquet,” I said.

“Can you hit each other with those things?” Belzer asked. “That would be
cool
!”

The bus came to a stop. The four of us eagerly jumped off.

A boy and a girl came running across the parking lot to greet us. They both had wavy blond hair and blue eyes and big smiles on their tanned faces. They wore their official PPP school uniforms—white polo shirts and khaki shorts.

“We're the Welcoming Committee,” the girl said. “I'm Alli Katz, and this is my friend Corky Pigge.”

I flashed them
my
best smile, the one with the adorable dimples. Then I introduced myself and my three buddies.

“What happened to your nose?” Alli asked Feenman. “It's totally inside out.”

“A tiny accident,” I said. “No big deal. He can still breathe through his mouth.”

Alli pulled out a clipboard. She thumbed through several pages. “Your bus is two minutes late,” she said. “But we can make up the time.” She kept tossing her blond hair back over her shoulders
as she scanned the pages on her clipboard.

“I have your schedules here,” she said. “I marked off your free times and your work times.”

“Alli is very organized,” Corky said.

“I signed you up for several activities,” she said. “We have an after-school work program I know you'll want to be part of.”

“Huh?
Work
?” Crench cried. “Is she kidding?”

I clamped a hand over his mouth.

“I have you staying in Pigge House,” Alli said. “I think you'll like it there.”

“Pig House?” I said.

Corky nodded. He had a stubby nose, which he kept stuck up in the air. “It's named after my great-great-grand-pater,” he said. “My family is one of the founding families of PPP. There's been a Pigge at Preppy Prep Prep for over two hundred years!”

“Awesome,” I said.

Feenman giggled. I clamped my
other
hand over
his
mouth.

“I know all the school traditions,” Corky said. “Tuesday is Wear Clean Underwear Day. Don't forget that. We gargle with mineral water on every
other Thursday. And do you know the shoelace rule?”

“Don't think I do,” I said.

“Shoelaces are worn
inside
the shoe,” Corky said. “Never outside.” He showed me his shoes. I couldn't see any shoelace.

Alli thumbed through more pages on her clipboard. “I've drawn you maps of the campus,” she said. “And floor maps of each building. I outlined the paths to the classroom buildings in yellow.”

“I told you, Alli is very organized,” Corky said again.

Alli handed out our schedule sheets. “I made a list of several good times for you to go to the bathroom.”

“How about
now
?” Belzer asked. “That was a
long
bus ride!”

Alli checked her clipboard. “Sorry. Not on the schedule.”

“First is the campus tour,” Alli said. “We will walk exactly three quarters of a mile. That will be one thousand, two hundred, and forty-two steps. Follow me.”

We started to walk across the lawn. “That's where you'll park your motor scooters,” Alli said. She pointed to a long row of scooters. “I've assigned four bikes, and I wrote down the serial numbers for you.”

“Beats walking!” I said.

“That lake over there is Pigge Lake,” Corky said. “It's named after my great-great-great-grand-mater.
Pigges have always loved the water.”

“It's a sailboat lake,” Alli said. “You know. For radio-controlled sailboats.”

“Cool. Can you sink 'em?” Feenman asked.

“He's joking!” I told Alli. “Feenman loves to joke.”

“I love to sink things!” Feenman said.

Alli pointed to an ivy-covered building with a wide, outdoor patio. “That's Crumpet Hall,” she said. “That's where we have afternoon tea.”

I flashed her another winning Bernie B. grin. “I think we'll feel right at home here,” I said.

“I set up laptops in your rooms,” Alli said. “And I downloaded your schedules.”

Crench's mouth dropped open. “We each get our
own room
?”

“Of course,” Corky said. “You don't
share
a room at your school,
do
you? Yuccch. That's so unsanitary!”

I pointed to six kids in shorts and white PPP T-shirts running around an asphalt track. “Who are
they
?” I asked.

“We all warm up on the track for an hour every day,” Alli said. She checked her clipboard. “Let's
see…I have you down for jogging at 6:30 to 7:30 every morning.”

“Perfect!” I said. “Of course, Belzer will be jogging for me. My knees…my knees…a bad mountain-climbing accident.” I staggered a bit so she'd get the idea.

Corky turned to me. “Didn't you bring your invention? Where is it?”

“You mean our
winning
invention!” I said. “Belzer has it. Belzer, show it to them.”

Belzer stared down at his empty hands. His face turned green, then pale white. He swallowed ten or twelve times. “Bernie, I…I don't have it. I thought
you
had it.”

“Feenman? Crench? Did you bring our brilliant invention?” I asked.

They both shrugged. Feenman giggled. “Oops.”

“Do you believe it? We forgot our invention,” I told Alli and Corky.

Alli frowned. “Oh, wow. You need to think up a new one right away.”

Sure, we messed up. But Bernie B. doesn't know the word
defeat
. I grinned at Alli and Corky. “We
have a
million
awesome ideas,” I said. “All winners! Total winners! I can't wait to start!”

“Well…first you have to see the headmaster,” Alli said.

“Huh?” Feenman cried. “The headmaster? But we haven't
done
anything really bad yet!”