Purgatorium (39 page)

I look over at the telescope. I feel differently about it for some reason. Why was this telescope a big deal? I need to look at it more closely, but will wait until I’m alone, I think. I have to find a way to look at it when no one is around.

Raphael
puts out his cigarette and takes out another. He brings out his favorite matchbook and lights one. I look at the matchbook closely and remember how Madi gave it to me on our date in the lighthouse.

I stop to think for a moment, like how she gave me the flask in the park. The very same flask that is in my coat pocket in my closet. M ichael with my mom’s camera. Gabriel with the gum Madi got for me.
What does it all mean?
I wonder.

Raphael interrupts my train of thought by handing me a cigarette.

“Now this is what turns frowns upside down. Want one?” I lean forward to reach for the cigarette sticking out of Raphael’s pocket and take one.

“This is where your finish line will be. Your last hourglass is standing right over there.” He points at the hourglass on the edge of the rooftop. “Once that smashes, your exit door will appear.”

Where is this exit door?

He points back to the elevator and says with a humorous tone, “Going up?”

The elevator is my ticket out of here? But there’s no buttons after the rooftop to even click on?

“All you need is your token. It is the key to your exit.” He strikes a match from his matchbook and raises the flame to me. I stick the cigarette in my mouth and lean it in to the fire.

Raphael
quickly brings his other hand from behind his back, holds up the hatchet, and swings it down, cutting my head clean off. My head falls to the ground and breaks into thousands of puzzle pieces spreading all over the rooftop.
Raphael
looks down at all the electric blue pieces smiling. “Didn’t anyone tell you, smoking is bad for you.” When he looks up, he is surprised to see my head is back. I smirk towards him.

“My brotha! Good for you!” He laughs good-naturedly. “You awoke today a man not sure of if or how you could win this thing; a man who was not in control of his emotions. Now look at you! I see you, brotha! I see you! It’s good to see that you see you, too!”

Raphael
gives me the hatchet back. I take it by the grip and see he hasn’t let it go. He looks straight at me and says, “Your deepest fear is not that you are inadequate. Your deepest fear is that you are powerful beyond measure. It is your light, not your darkness, that most frightens you. You ask yourself, who am I to be brilliant, talented, and athletic? Actually, who are you not to be? If you just look past the constant feeling of not being good enough, you will surprise yourself. Being prideful isn’t all bad.”

Raphael takes out something from his pocket. He walks towards me and puts it in my hand. I look down to see it’s my watch. I notice that my watch has always been the one that Madi gave me.

“The only way to beat the clock is to always be watching it. Don’t let overconfidence be your downfall. It’s a thin line between courage and common sense.”

He walks toward the elevator. Without turning back he says, “Now best hide that pistol a little better than in your obvious freezer, you hear?” He steps into the elevator then turns around and looks at the L button. “You wanna come push this for me, cracker?”

I stand there not moving an inch. He laughs and says, “That’s my boy.” He presses the button and the door closes in front of him. I think about where I can hide the pistol. I take my watch and wrap in around my wrist. I look at the hourglass standing on the edge of the roof. It flips around as the sand begins falling once again.

55 Minutes

I close my eyes and for some reason the image of the waitress crosses my mind.

That’s it!

Suddenly, I open my eyes wide. Reaching inside my jacket pocket, I find a piece of paper and pen, and start writing a note. I walk into the elevator still writing.

The glimmer of the bright colors of the painting distracts me. I turn to focus my eyes on the electric blue light of the cross and suddenly I witness a revelation. The significance of the color on the painting is the same color that I have seen before when Raphael sliced off my arm.This can be seen as a cross but in actuality its a person’s soul. Maybe Barachiel was right all along.

I hear the elevator opening again, this time on my floor. I step out, finishing the note as I arrive at the waitress’ apartment door.

I take out the pistol case, place my note on top of it, and leave them by her door. I walk back across the hall to my apartment, unlock the door, and walk in, closing the door behind me.

Now I can finally get a chance to freely think!

I walk to my bedroom and look at the blueprint on my wall. Taking out my pen, I circle where I see the rooftop elevator is displayed. I write ‘finish line’ above it. This will be my exit door out of this hell, I think. I just need to find out who am I, what my token is, who my demon is, what my dreams mean, and what the necklace is about. Maybe the necklace is my token or maybe it is somehow related to getting back my memories?

I quietly sigh to myself, knowing that I have so much to do and only four more days to do it. I feel tired.

I look over at the American flag hanging right beside the blueprints, remembering my angry driven father and how he hit my mother. It makes sense now the reason why I became who I was. My father didn’t see anything good in me, so why would I have? This was probably my mentality towards my upbringing. I try to focus away from my past related subjects until out of nowhere I remember the flask that Madi had given to me in my memory.

I walk in to my closet and take out the flask from my inside coat pocket. I put it in my back pocket and walk out, heading in to my bedroom to get ready for what’s soon to come. I look at the half-filled hourglass in the reflection of my window, knowing I’ve still got a little time left.

I take off my clothes and set them aside on my chair. As I take the watch off my wrist, I read the back of it. ‘I believe in you.’ I smile, never really noticing it was always there. I look back at my pants and walk over to take my flask out of it. Gazing down at the steel surface of the flask, I read the inscription again.

“Après moi, le déluge.”

It sounds so familiar. I wonder what it means?

I unscrew the top and raise it to my mouth. The cascading sheets of clear purified liquid spill inconsistently into my mouth. Still not able to taste anything but I can imagine it close enough. I look over to my window and notice the hourglass reflecting off of it.

Another question to add to my list of questions. Why does it appear now and not ever in the morning? Maybe this is the last hourglass to break. But if that is the case, then why do all the angels think the one on the roof is? And why have I never told any of them?

The last thought leaves me uneasy as my alarm clock ticks away the last remaining seconds: 59:58, 59:59, 60:00.

Madi sees a rest stop sign up ahead. I turn on my right signal light.

“What are you doing?” she asks, panicking.

“Madi, it’s getting way too bad out there. I have to pull off like everyone else is doing.”

“We can make it, just slow down a little. We’re almost there!”

“Madi, we have like 42
minutes
before we’re home. We won’t make it!”

Madi opens her purse, finds a small orange bottle of prescription anxiety medicine, and takes out two pills. Tilting her head back, she hits her open palm against her mouth, throwing them back into her throat. She swallows and breathes in and out as slowly and deeply as she can, trying to calm down. She tries to control her mind, but she has flashes of Jacob forcing her down.

“I can’t do this!” Madi growls at me. Snow blows furiously over the hood of the car and past the headlights.

I respond in a calm but firm voice, staring straight ahead of me, “Madi, stop this.”

“Daddy?” asks a lone, small voice from the backseat. I shift the rearview mirror to see my six-year-old daughter, Anna, sitting patiently behind me.

“Yes, pretty girl?” I reply gently.

“I’m hungry.”

Madi opens the glove compartment, finds a sucker, and unwraps it. Keeping her eyes on the road ahead, she reaches back to Anna.

“Here you go,” Madi says. “We won’t be home for quite a while.”

Anna stretches forward trying to reach it. Both Madi and I are looking at the road, focused on the snow. Anna unbuckles her seatbelt.

“Got it!” Anna says victoriously, grasping the white stem and putting the sucker in her mouth. “Thanks, Mom!” Madi nods. Her eyes remain fixed on the road.

“I can’t,” Madi says quietly to me. “I can’t do this!”

“You need to calm down, Madi.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Listen to the music,” I say to her. “Do what Dr. Wiser told you to do.” I
watch
from the corner of my eye as Madi breathes slowly in, trying to concentrate on the music.

“Dr. Wiser really is wiser,” she says, her voice significantly calmer now.

My body suddenly feels like it’s on fire. My mouth is now dry and my forehead is sweating like a waterfall.

Madi spots a vehicle coming up beside us in the right-hand lane. As it gets closer, she sees it is a utility van carrying plate glass windows. I see the truck, too. Looking over, I notice a reflection of the
Valkyrie
in the glass. I start to panic; my heart is pounding and I am completely terrified. I can see Madi staring at me.

“What’s wrong?” she asks. I look back over to find just the glass panes. The
Valkyrie
reflection has disappeared. I fear the worst is about to happen and that there is nothing I can do to stop it. After a few seconds have gone by, I try to calm myself thinking maybe I beat it. Maybe this was all one big test and I won. I’d like to think that.

Once my mind is back on track, I look over to Madi. She looks at me, fronting a soft smile in my direction. “Honey?” she says with concern.

“What’s wrong?” I respond to her with a dry mouth.

“Are you hot or something? You are sweating pretty hard.”

I look in the rearview mirror at my glowing forehead, noticing that the hot flashes had never gone away.

The th

snow pelts harder against the window. I turn on my high beams to try to see the road more clearly. The lights illuminate the
Valkyrie
right in front of the car. I jerk the steering wheel over to the left, driving past the off-ramp for the rest stop. Madi breathes a sigh of relief as we keep moving. I know I have cheated the course again. The
Valkyrie
will soon appear once more. I hear a distant “beep, beep, beep” sound.

WEDNESDAY

Uriel

I jolt upright in bed to the sound of my alarm. I sense something is different with the back of my neck and face. I feel my head and realize my hair has gotten longer—it can almost touch my shoulder—and I have a full beard.

Why is it that each day my hair is growing to the extreme?

A bright light shines through the curtains. The light beats down on my eyelids, making it hard for me to see.

Out of the corner of my left eye, I am shocked to see that there seems to be another body under the covers next to me. I carefully lift up the blanket and sheet.

I scramble out of bed and run to the other side of the room, covering my genitals with my hands.

A familiar looking man sits up from the other side of the bed and, noticing me, shouts, “Ahh!”

It’s Uriel!

After a moment, his face grows calm. He gets up out of the bed, completely naked. He imitates me and covers his crotch, grinning at the situation he just put us in.

“Good morning, Gucci!” Uriel sings. “Today will be your awakening.”

Uriel walks over to the window and peeks through the curtain, out the window.

“Summer is the season of lustful behaviors and lurid imaginations to starving artists. Hollywood weather! Look at where you are, Gucci. Heaven only wishes it could be this extravagant! You best hurry and see it in the light before it’s too late.”

The light? The sun is out! I can’t remember the last time I even saw the sun. I have been so consumed by darkened clouds and hazardous weather that it never dawned on me where the sun went all this time. I never thought this place couldn’t consume anything so pure, like the nonexistent water.

I stand in the corner, as far away from Uriel as I can get, still covering my crotch. I peek my head out the window, but before I can see any glimpse of the sun, it is gone. I watch as a dark shadow covers over it.

What just happened?

“It’s an eclipse, Gucci. Every Wednesday it comes along, shadowing over the light and letting the night last for the remainder of the day.”

Figures, is all I can think. Being so close and yet…

I stop thinking and glare at the window, hoping to see the hourglass reflecting off of it, but once again it’s gone. I quell my thoughts on the matter for now.

“Which in retrospect seems fitting to dress up to the nines and hit the town,” says Uriel.

He nimbly rushes past me and into my closet. I can hear him searching through the racks of suits.

“So, I presume that you’re still mad about me running you over? I was trying to prove a point, Gucci,” Uriel says from inside the closet.

Uriel walks out wearing a tuxedo but in bare feet. His bowtie is stylishly untied. He notices me looking down at his shoeless feet.

“I like my feet to feel free from tight spaces.” Uriel turns and looks at his reflection in the closet mirror. “Hmmm…something’s missing.” He reaches inside the tuxedo jacket pocket, takes out a King of diamonds card, and peaks it above the pocket’s brim.

I stare at the card, wondering what the meaning is of having it in our jacket pockets.

Thus far I have seen a total of eight cards. Five equaling up to be a royal flush and the other three are a suit of Kings. But what’s the significance?

I think for a hard minute as Uriel decides on which sunglasses to wear from my cabinet drawer. Suddenly an idea sparks in my head, making me think of the card game from my past.

My hand! The first hand I had was the King of clubs and diamonds. My second being the Ten, Queen, King, Ace of hearts and the King of spades. The Jack in my pocket was the one I used to cheat with. Unlike an eclipse, this place doesn’t shadow over my life, it just gives the worst details from it.

Uriel walks out, modeling me his aviator sunglasses. “Your sinful deeds hide in plain sight. At times even peeking through.” He points at the heart of the playing card, poking out of his jacket pocket. “You know what a green heart means? When a love turns sour. Things to think about,” he says. “I can tell you one thing not to do is run away from them. Or at least wait till Sunday before you feel the need for a merry jog.”

Uriel smoothly walks past me, showing off his sense of style and swagger, leaving me with thoughts of insecurity.

“Your turn, Gucci.” Smoke seems to be coming out of my closet as I look to Uriel, wondering what he just did.

Doing my best to keep away from him, I carefully walk around and peer into the closet. All my suits are being burned in the far corner. There is nothing left but another tuxedo.

“Aren’t you tired of wearing the same freaking clothes?” Uriel says. “Day in and out? Not this time. I left something new in there for you.”

Uriel pushes me into the closet. The lights come on.

“We’re rich beyond our wildest dreams!” Uriel says. “Who needs paper to tell us otherwise! But, as the saying goes, if you have it, why not spend it?”

Uriel walks in behind me, takes my hand, and looks at my
watch
: 3:10. The player piano starts to play “The Light in the Piazza.”

“This depressing music is going to have to go.” Uriel takes out a cassette tape in his pocket. “This is my own little personal mix tape from me to you. I know it’s not the same stuff you like to listen to over and over again, but I feel like it fits the moments of the day.”

He puts it in a boombox that is installed in the wall. “Now this is my jam!” He walks out of the closet and into the living room. I hear the piano stop and the boombox start to play Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”

I come out of the closet, dressed in the tuxedo, and try to fix my bowtie. I walk across the living room to the bathroom doorway and look in the mirror. Gazing at my now long hair, I push it back off the shoulder of my tuxedo jacket.

Uriel, looking on from behind, says, “Well, that just won’t do, sweetie.”

He walks into the bathroom, takes out the Brylcreem, puts some in my hair, and combs it back. Uriel says in a soft tone, “If you don’t love yourself first then all you will have is yourself.”

He finds a beard trimmer in the medicine cabinet and, while trimming my beard, starts singing, “Ooh ooh, this is it, this is it.”

He moves his face within inches of me and sings, “Hoo! Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time, Like a virgin! When your heart beats next to mine!” Uriel then reaches into my jacket pocket, pulls out a hair tie, and ties my hair back into a ponytail. “Now you are the real deal, Gucci.”

I look in the mirror and realize that Uriel and I look almost exactly alike. But then I also see that my reflection, moving independently again, is trying to tie my bowtie.

“Only a few days left,” says Uriel. “You must hurry up and find your demon before it’s too late. Have you at least found your token yet? Anything that was given to you out of kindness? Any ideas in that big head of yours?”

I look down and see my tie is on straight, while in the mirror, I see that my reflection is a true image of me again. Slightly unnerved by seeing my reflection, as well as Uriel’s unexpected presence, I breathe in deeply, shutting my eyes tightly and trying to pull myself together.

I open my eyes and see Uriel twisting his ring nervously. I start to remember the flask, matchbook, watch, Polaroid camera, and how they are all somehow related to me. All this makes me wonder what Uriel’s ring means to me?

Uriel walks over to one of the bookshelves. On the top shelf is a bottle of 10-year-old Lagavulin and a set of glass tumblers. He takes two glasses, uncorks the bottle, and pours them each one-third full. Then he walks over to me with both glasses and hands me one. Uriel proudly raises his glass.

“Here’s to us heartbreakers and soul takers. One night is all we got, let it go, and never stop.” Uriel clinks his glass against mine and throws his drink back in one swallow. He then walks into the bedroom and comes back out holding up a red dress, smiling at me. “Do you think this dress makes me look fat?”

I can’t tell if he’s being serious. I remember waking up next to him in my bed and feeling disgusted. This angel seems to be more on the loosey-goosey side. Uriel sees me getting uncomfortable as my watch beeps.

5 Minutes

“I kid,” Uriel says to me, laughing a little. “But let’s get serious. What are you waiting for? The hoe-neys are awaiting! Let’s get on it!” Uriel opens the door to the hallway and walks out. I follow him. He walks directly across to the waitress’ door, still holding the red dress, and knocks six times.

“I don’t feel like getting a popsicle stuck up my butt today.” Uriel laughs. “I’m still recovering from last time. Remember that night?” I look at him with no recollection and not really ever wanting to know. “Hey, I barely remember it too. Our little secret.” He winks at me. “Jokes. I kid. But not really. Just did.”

Just then, the waitress opens her door. She looks at Uriel and then at me. She and I lock eyes, and nods to me. I now remember the pistol that I left for her to keep safe. I smile, happy she is still alive and that I can trust her. Uriel throws the dress in her face. “You are going to look so fetching! But
who
does your makeup? It’s terrible! I will see you later, Gucci. Gotta fix this catastrophe here.”

He pushes her back inside, the dress still half-covering her face, and closes the door behind him. I just stand there, perplexed by everything that just happened.

As I walk to the elevator, it automatically opens up. I step inside and ready my hand to press the L button, but then stop myself as an idea starts formulating in my head. I think about the telescope on the roof and that I am all alone.

I look at my watch: 7:20. Okay, I have four and a half minutes to make it to the roof and back down to my car. I can do this. I press the button leading to the roof.

The elevator opens and I run across to the telescope, unscrew the top scope, look inside the main cylinder, and see a small piece of cloth, folded in on itself. I carefully reach my fingers in and pull the cloth out.

It reads, “A face to call home
.
”

I feel the cloth. It is wrapped around something circular and hard. I unfold it. Inside, I am surprised to find a ring. It looks just like the ring that Uriel wears.

Why is it hidden in here? Maybe I put it in here for some reason. I must have known that I would have looked through this scope. It could be my token that they said I needed. I must have hid it so my demon wouldn’t get its hands on it. I rewrap the ring with its cloth and stick it back in the scope. It’s been safe here so far, better make it stay that way.

I look at my watch and realize it’s 9:30. I go to the ledge and think, I did this before. If I jump it will raise too many questions. My demon will trace it back to this rooftop and find my token. I run back to the elevator and press the L button. Nothing happens. I continue pressing and still nothing. No, no, no, no…this can’t be happening!

I run out and look around the rooftop for a secondary option. Racing to the opposite side of the roof, I see the door to the staircase. I guess I’ll have to make a run for it. I quickly dash to the door and read the door sign. It reads Level 7. Six levels isn’t that bad, I think.

I open the door and peer down from the wooden banister. The spiral staircase, I see, is curved inward. The drop down is too far to tell. I look over to count each of the marble stoned steps and count six. How ironic once again.

I take a breath and walk to the very first step. I lift my leg and take off down the stairwell. But every sharp loop I make gets me no closer to seeing the Level 5 sign. The stairs blur below me as I feel a surge of adrenaline. The steady thump of my footsteps echoes throughout the stairwell. Every new row I come across just leads to another set of rows.

I am now five rows deep and still no sign. I push myself to keep going as I feel a bead of sweat roll down my forehead. The only thing stopping me from getting to the bottom is time, I think. I get to row 6 and finally see the Level 5 sign. I continue running, making my way around the loop.

Six levels, six steps, and I stay in room 6, I relay to myself. 666, the mark of the devil. What if this place isn’t some kind of purgatory.
What if this place is something else?
I wonder. I try not to think about if I am actually in hell or not. Too much to really deal with at the moment to find out this was all for nothing.