Purgatorium (43 page)

This time, my fist goes forward with supernatural speed—straight into Uriel’s jaw. Uriel’s head cocks back. He pulls his hand up to his face, shocked.

“You hit me?” Uriel says, incensed. “You can’t hit an angel! That’s bad luck! Obviously, you’re still screwed up or I would have messed up that pretty face of yours!”

I’ve still got time! When I get out of here I will make things right. Everything will be back to the way it should be!

I feel the need to hit Uriel again, but he quickly reaches into my jacket and pulls out my wallet. I see the anger roll down his face as if he is saying that the gloves are off.

“Let me ask you, what year do you think this is? 1999 right? You would be wrong! The year to date is 2015. That is how long you have been in a coma. That is how long we have been trying to get you out of this hellhole! But you keep making the same mistakes over and over! Never ever learning from them! And that mistake is using Madi as your crutch. You can’t win if you are doing this for her. To tell you the truth, Madi has probably moved on by now. Found a better man that will love her like she always wanted! How’s that truth for ya?!”

I grip my fist together thinking that he is lying.

“You think I am lying? You really think I am lying? Tell me this then. In 1999, did they have stylish suits like the ones that we are wearing right now? I mean your closet alone screams 2015 GQ styles of the year. Or how about your BMW i8 two door coupe? Do you think that advanced futuristic design and that turbocharged engine could have ever been built anywhere near the 1990’s? Do we need to even talk about your cross-fit shoes? Was cross-fit even a term used in the 1990’s? How about your 21
st
century lookin’ high-rise apartment? It looks like a place that freakin’ Bill Gates couldn’t afford to stay at!”

I stand there taking it all in. He is right. But how can this be? I only remember things in the 1990’s. How would I know that any of this existed?

“You are in a coma, not dead, jackass. Your mind is still gathering information even if you don’t realize it. A doctor can be in the room next to you talking about an expensive car that he just bought and your brain can still gather that intel. Someone could be reading you a magazine of the latest trends and your imagination takes hold of the rest! A hundred different possibilities can derive from gathering the information needed to convert a 90’s feel to a 2015’s look. That doesn’t matter! What matters is you have to put the past in the past. Because when you do wake up, Madi might not be yours anymore. 17 years is a long time to wait there, buddy. That is the hard truth.”

17 years?
I think. It can’t be true. I look at my stylish clothes that I have on and can’t believe him. I won’t. I would have gotten out by then. I am sure of it, I think with a little doubt in my mind.

He looks through my wallet. Uriel pulls the photo of Madi from my wallet and holds it in front of my face.

“You have two decisions. Put this in your wallet and make the same mistakes you have made before, or let yourself be free from her and burn it. You must first love yourself before you can love another. I was the one that coined that phrase, by the way. Just to let you know! The choice is yours.”

I see Uriel’s ring on the hand that holds the photo. That is the ring Madi gave to me. That’s my ring. He has no right to be wearing my ring. No right! I am gonna get it back.

I take the photo from Uriel while quickly trying to snatch the ring off of his finger. His hands slip under mine and he kicks me down.

“When are you ever going to learn? I can read your mind. Whatever you think to almost possibly think, I will know. You really do have a trusting issue, you know that?!”

I stand up and look in my hand where I snagged his Jack of diamonds card from his jacket handkerchief pocket.

“Give me that back, Gucci?” Uriel yells at me.

I look back at the playing card, not understanding its importance. I extend my hand holding the card over the ledge.

“Don’t you dare!” he yells, watching my fingers loosen their grip on the card. “You want more hard truth? Fine! You are afraid. Afraid to see the truth. The truth being that you never loved her! Let me count it down for you. The coffee shop where you met. You just let her walk away. Could have tried a little harder if you actually cared. The subway station where you could have given the book back to her yourself. But no, you were too scared. The lighthouse restaurant! Where a whole year had gone by and you never told her the most intimate things about yourself. Also the concert at the park. Where it took you close to a year and a half to finally say ‘I love you’ and even then it seemed forced! And lastly…”

I let go of the card as Uriel stands there in disbelief. I watch the card float down to the bottom. I look back at Uriel as a wild anger takes over his face. It takes him a few seconds to calm down.

“And lastly, your wedding night. The one day where a girl becomes a princess. All she ever wanted was a city view and snow to be sprinkling down around her. You had months to plan this special dream of hers and what do you do? You wait to the last minute! And let’s not forget you losing the freakin’ ring! If that isn’t love…”

He walks to the edge of the roof and looks down to see the card still floating downward. Then he disappears. In just a few seconds, he returns with the card back in his hand. He smiles something sinister at me while putting the card in his handkerchief pocket.

“But what really set the bar high for why you didn’t really love her was not the cheating. Any man full of love in his heart can fall victim to a ravishing woman’s charm. It was when you sold the telescope. Even you should have guessed it by now. I mean, did you really think selling junk from your basement and your daddy’s telescope got you that $5,000 to spend at the casino? Come on! Give yourself more credit than that! Madi seemed a little bit more devastated over just an old telescope. Wouldn’t you think?”

I look over to the telescope and remember the ring inside of it. Madi must have found it and put it in the telescope without me knowing, but why?

Uriel looks at me as if he were reading my mind again. “To surprise you,” he reflects, “so that you could make a romantic gesture like you kept promising her you would make when you eventually found it.”

But I remember, I must have sold it without even knowing what was inside of it then. That’s why Madi was mad that night when I came home from the casino. It wasn’t about my suit or the money. It was about how I accidentally sold off her ring.

Uriel laughs at my thought process. “You didn’t know it was inside of it? Well of course you knew! The pawn shop dealer did his full inspection on the telescope and found the ring in the process. You were then left with a choice. A choice you paid in full.” Uriel spins the telescope around as my
watch
beeps. I stand there fighting back the tears.

“I know it’s hard. You being in a coma for 17 years and you selling your wife’s ring pretty much makes this a hard day. But look on the bright side. I made you another mixtape!” He takes out another tape and forces it into my pocket. “Promise me you will play it on the day of the race. Its my best work yet! Toodles!”

I look up and Uriel is gone.

55 Minutes

My eyes begin to well-up as I think to myself, 17 years lost. 17 years trapped inside this prison. Maybe Uriel is right. Maybe Madi has left me. Maybe I do keep holding on to something that isn’t even there anymore. I sold her ring.

One of the tears rolling down my face turns into ice on my cheek. Everything around me begins to blur. I fall to my knees and drop the photo of Madi. Snow starts falling. I hear the sound of the elevator doors opening up

I look to the elevator door and see inside the painting staring right at me, taunting me with its message of sin consuming one’s soul. I can’t allow myself to move. I am nothing but a cheater. I sold the only thing I ever did give to her. I see it now. I understand why I am here and why I haven’t left.

A blurry dark-hooded figure stands before me.
It didn’t take you long to find me, reaper of death,
I think.

I look over to my watch as it counts up from 59:30…59:31...For some reason, I welcome it. 17 years of my life, gone. 17 years of not seeing my own daughter grow up.

I think back to all the things that counted up to six in this place. 666, I think. Maybe this is my hell. I am dead and it doesn’t matter what I do. I will always end up right back here. This is my punishment and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I see the figure’s hands about to touch me. I wait patiently, ready to accept it. The figure swiftly lifts me up. Surprised, I look over and see the hourglass coin necklace around the stranger’s neck.

Overcome by the cold and surprisingly calmed by the stranger’s presence, I pass out.

I see a sign for a rest stop. This road will keep going on forever, I think, and there will always be that rest stop sign. I look to my left and see the truck carrying the glass. As my car catches up with the truck, I gaze into the glass and see the reflection of the
Valkyrie
once again. Madi, staring at the approaching rest stop sign, begins to panic. I know the
Valkyrie
has won and that there’s no changing my fate. Suddenly, I see Madi grab for the steering wheel.

“What are you doing, Madi?” I scream. “Let go!”

I push her back toward the passenger door but it’s too late. The car is already skidding out of control in the snow. We fishtail, running over the rest stop sign before plowing headlong into the truck. Plate glass windows explode and shards fly through the air, glimmering in the moonlit night sky. The car starts flipping over. I hear an alarm clock start beeping incessantly.

THURSDAY

Sealtiel

I jolt upright, drenched in sweat, and feel my hair has grown longer. I drape it over my shoulder and down my back, pushing it out of my eyes. I take the watch on my nightstand and wrap it around my wrist, looking at the handbook that was right next to it. My head hurts. After looking around the room, I start to remember me blacking out on the rooftop.

I still remember. Why didn’t the reaper last night take my memories?

The unknowing weighs on my moral judgement. I am stricken with guilt and shame with no way to come out of it.

I pick up the Handbook and throw it out the window.

I look back at the alarm clock counting up the time again. 00:01…00:02…00:03. I abruptly yank it out of the socket.

It is still counting up. 00:05…00:06…00:07. I throw it across the room. It smashes against the wall, breaking apart.

How do I still remember? How?!

I suddenly remember the coin it wore around its neck. Maybe it wasn’t a reaper at all, but someone else? Or something else?

I look over to my blueprint that is still posted up on my wall. I see something new in the left hand corner. I get up and discover that it’s Uriel’s mixtape, taped over the design of my high-rise apartment that’s on the map.

How did this get up here?

I hear thunder coming from outside. I walk to the window and push open the curtains. The eclipse is gone. There is no rain, but the sky is dark. As I look more closely, I can see three twisters in the distance, spread out around the city, destroying everything in their path.

My apartment shakes. I look to the right and see one of the twisters heading in my direction. I
watch
the carnage from the streets below unfold in front of me.

God gives and takes away. One day God can give me the most amazing girl that I could ever know. He can make me fall in love with her and just like that, he can take her away.

I continue watching the twister destroying neighboring buildings. Turning around, I see the snow globe standing once again on my desk. I walk towards it to pick it up. The anger and confusion warps my mind, almost making me act like one of them.

That’s what this place does. It drives you mad until there is nothing left to do than to erase it all!

I pick the snow globe up and shake it with an extreme passion. Then I stop. Seeing the snow swirl around the tiny town almost seems like a tornado wrecking havoc. I turn away to the window, watching the twisters destroy the building next door.

I look back at the globe and see only my reflection. My green eyes stare back at me. Almost soulless.They feel heavy and drained. I continue to let the color sink me in. The green sea stares back at me. It has me in a trance. Drowning me into the deep, dark abyss of nothingness where I am back to being utterly alone. The darkness has now consumed me. Green is all I see. Godless green eyes.

I think of how God came to be. Alone in the darkness. Then he made a joke and named it Earth. And he has been laughing at it ever since.

I am stuck in thought, almost laughing along with him. I hear no sounds but the ones in my head.

It all started because of you. You made me remember things. This is your fault! Why are you even here? What is your purpose?! To bring me pain?! You like watching me in pain, is that it?! You think you have some kind of hold on me?!

I raise the silly child’s toy up above me.

I am not your toy and you are not my maker!

I am about to smash it when I hear something.

Knock! Knock!

The noise wakes me from my reflections. I put the snow globe back down.

Knock! Knock!

I hear the noise again. It’s coming from the living room! I quietly walk out the bedroom door as the noise is heard again.

Knock! Knock!

Once in the living room, I stare at the front door, waiting silently for another knock. Keeping my gaze heavily on the marbleized structure, I walk ever slowly to it.

Feeling very tense, I put my ear up to the door.

Suddenly, the noise from the piano starts to play, nearly scaring me half to death.

I look down at my
watch
and see that it is 3:10.

Knock! Knock!

I am tired of this!

I unlock the door and throw it open to find a familiar face standing outside of it. The man I met once at the park, languidly sipping a cup of tea. The Ace of hearts card still peeking out of his right jacket pocket leads me to remember that his name is Sealtiel. He’s still supporting the tailored all white suit and manly posterity as to when I first met him. Just like the others, he seems to radiate a certain class and sophistication. I look down and notice a briefcase standing up straight by his leg.

“Knock, knock. May I come in?” he says in his English accent, waiting patiently.

I don’t move, confused at what his game is.

Sealtiel oddly gazes at the watch around my wrist for a few seconds before saying,“Time is ever….”

I shut the door hard in his angelic face, locking it quickly.

That made me feel a little better. Turning my head, I find Sealtiel standing by my kitchen table. He gets a leather bound briefcase out and lays it on the glass table. He puts his tea cup back down in his saucer and lays it beside the briefcase. In his intolerable English accent, he says,“Look at you. You are in the thick of it now, aren’t you, my boy? And I am not referring to your choice in hairstyle either.”

Gazing into the mirror, I feel my face and hair, remembering my beard is much longer than it was just the day before. It feels matted and unkempt. I look back at him, not knowing where his faith truly lies.

“I am not your demon, sir. Consider me as more of your personal accountant. I remind you to cross the T’s and dot the I’s. Checks and balances of time spent to time loss. Dare I say, I even find sport in gambling. I am guilty at counting cards. I do it mainly for the math aspect,
that
and I am an adrenaline junkie. Love the thrill of getting caught! But out of all the fine qualities that I possess, being a demon isn’t one of them.”

I stand there in disbelief. Fancy talk and suits won’t make me see anything different, I think to him.

“Right. For proof on the matter of my innocence, I would like you to share your valuable time with me, if you would be so kind? I will then explain to you my intentions and then hand you over what’s rightfully yours. After further problematics are explained and executed, I will leave you be.”

He takes a seat and gestures with his hand for me to come sit as well. I feel this starting to be more of a legal matter simply by the way he seems to be acting. I still don’t move.

“How about we make deal? You’re a gambling man, don’t be shy about it. It gives off a rush for me. But the deal will be simple. I give you what’s in the case and in return I leave you be for the rest of the day. Deal?”

He places the briefcase sideways, the locks facing him.

“You have given me three requests in which I am about to repeat back to you.”

Snap! Snap!

He unlocks the briefcase and gets out a leather encased book. You personally handed this to me in trust that I would keep it safe and that I should give it to you on this specific day.” He lays it beside him. I scan the cover as it looks to have a latch of some kind on its front. He slides the book slowly over to me. I then take a seat out of curiosity.

“Looks like we have a deal! Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“This is a logbook. Inside this logbook are pages. In these pages are written notes. Notes that were handwritten by your hand alone. A hand that spent every second of every minute of everyday constantly writing within these pages.”

I look at the book, wondering what I could have written to myself.

“Your exact words to me were that in these pages was the guide to finding the light within your soul.”

He has my curiosity.

“Following your second request, I have never once opened it. Though I will not lie and say, I haven’t tried. As you can see there are two locks on the outside. This is what they call a rotary dial lock. Both take a five letter combination to open it up. He, or you rather, unfortunately did not give me the lock code for either of them. Afraid of it falling into the wrong hands and what have you.”

Five letters?

“You informed me of a single clue to tell yourself what the answer is, or a question rather.”

He looks deep into my eyes and says, “What did you desire?”

What did I desire? And why did I speak in past tense? I don’t even know what my favorite kind of food was. Let alone know what I desired? Does remembering my sin some how unlocks it? LUST is four words, not five, so that can’t be it. Why did I have to make this so complicated for myself?!

I bang the table with my fist.

Sealtiel speaks again. “Desire is a play on words. It could mean many different things to many different kinds of people. Desire could either go positive or negative depending on how you calculate it.”

I take the book in my hand. Oddly, it doesn’t feel familiar to me in the least. But why would it? I don’t even remember writing in it. But what’s in this book could tell me everything that I need to know? The token that I need to find? Who my demon is? Who I am?! I need to know what’s in this.

“That concludes our meeting. A deal is a deal. Good luck to you, sir, in your endeavors.”

I stare at him, not understanding. Refined, he lifts up his tea cup by the saucer and takes a long sip.

Wait, you’re just gonna leave me here? But I need your help to figure out how to open this book.

“I am extraordinarily busy, sir, good day.” Emotionless, he locks the briefcase and stands up. Walking to the door, he lets me know he isn’t gonna tell me any more. I rush over in anger. As I turn him around, he shouts,“Our business is done here, good day!”

I get in front of him, wanting to know why he won’t help.

“I have helped you more times than you will ever come to know. Now move,” he says with scolding eyes. I stand my ground. Sealtiel tries to move past me but I won’t let him.

“You want to know why I won’t help you? Is that it? It’s the same reason that you gave to yourself last night just after you blacked out but before you decided to throw in the towel.”

Taken aback by his words, it leads me to believe that what I tried to do last night did actually happen.

“You really don’t need my help or the others.You were right all along. Why need our help when you’ve already won?!” he screams out, almost to where I think he is making fun of me. “You are the winner! How does that sound to you? To win. To win something. To really win something for the sake of winning it. Feels good doesn’t it? To win something that is? I mean because you are clearly that! A winner that is, if you hadn’t caught on just how much of a winner you are yet.”

I stand there a little freaked out, not knowing what he is rambling on about.

He continues to aggressively joke with me. “To win something by not trying. Isn’t that the way you perceive winning? You didn’t finish the race when you were young but that doesn’t mean anything because you won! Remember how you kept making excuses for never finishing your novel? I guess reading half of a book is way better than reading a whole one anyway! Winner goes again to you, sir! How about your constant dream of wanting to live the rich life? I mean, sticking with that safe job for many years is really the way to go to fulfilling that possibility. Not a lot of people can pull it off but you sure did try! Guess what? That’s another win on the board for you, right there! And let’s not forget your failed marriage. Cheating is always the way to go to fix those sort of problems. Gold star for you! And don’t even get me started about the math test!”

My hands turn to fists. While my head can’t wrap around where this math test part came from, Sealtiel walks around me like a shark circling its prey. He takes a big sip from his tea cup and places it back on his saucer. Thunder roars outside. Flashes of lighting cut in and out the electricity, turning the lights on and off.

“In all seriousness, I am tired of going over every bit of information with you just to see it get erased the very next day. If I could tell you the many countless days of you and I doing this dance of ours. The number truly is countless. Let me give you a break down on how this day normally goes. I teach you something, you fight me on it. I give you best practices to succeed, you fight me on it! I show you what needs to be done to win, you fight me on it! You fight me on it! And fight me on it! Every step of the way!”