Purity (17 page)

“What do you think of him?” Amelia whispered to me as her new beau ran, literally, to get her a drink from the kitchen.

“He seems lovely.”

She smiled back, but something caught her eye, and her face fell. “Oh, no. What is he
doing
?”

Confused, I followed her line of sight. Abbi walked in with Nathan, Dawn following right behind them. My lungs decided working properly was too much trouble, and I sucked in a dry gasp of nothing.

“I’m so sorry,” Amelia said. “I invited you both, but I didn’t expect him to turn up with
them
.”

His gaze locked onto mine, and I couldn’t break free.

“I need air,” Tammie murmured. “Wanna come with?”

I nodded, still staring at Nathan. Amelia kept whispering to me, but I couldn’t hear her because I was tumbling through space as everything came rushing back at once. I had fallen for Nathan, no matter what they said about curses breaking, and I couldn’t switch off the feelings.

Even if
he
could.

Maybe Ryan had been right. Maybe my drama was a distraction that Nathan didn’t need. As it was, his face had drained of colour, and he had stopped talking mid-sentence once he saw me. I turned away, following Tammie outside, relieved to get some space from the situation.

Even though a tiny part of me had hoped he would be there, I wasn’t ready to see him and not be with him. I wasn’t ready to deal with how it had ended, how we had been behaving
before
it ended. It didn’t feel right for us to be in the same building and not even say hello.

“That was so incredibly awkward,” Tammie said as the two of us moved to stand at the side of the house.

“Just a tad.” I smiled wryly. “At least it’s done now, though.”

She eyed me warily. “I still don’t see the attraction. He never made you happy.”

“I was happy. Other stuff got in the way, and it made everything go bad. But he didn’t make me
un
happy. Why did you always dislike him so much?”

She shrugged, picking at the nail polish on her thumb. The shade matched the newly dip-dyed purple ends of her hair. “He looked at you like he owned you, you know? He was always looking at you. And listening. I could tell. He was always trying to listen in on our conversations. He’s probably listening right now.”

We both glanced toward the door then burst out laughing. The door opened, cutting off our laughter, but it wasn’t Nathan. Worse, it was Dawn and Abbi.

Dawn approached us, Abbi whispering frantically in her ear. I groaned, wondering what drama they would start.

Dawn edged up to Tammie, her expression absent of her usual sneer. “I heard what happened. I’m sorry for you.”

I glanced at Tammie in confusion.

Her face paled, and she nodded jerkily. “Thanks.” Her voice trembled.

Dawn gave her a grim smile before walking away with Abbi, who looked as confused as I felt.

“What was that about?” I asked.

She stared after Dawn, wrapping her arms around her torso. “It’s nothing.”

“Didn’t sound like nothing.”

Tammie looked away. “Let’s just say I’m an idiot.”

I touched her arm. “Come on, Tams. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I didn’t want to tell you here. I wanted you to have fun.”

“Well, I think that’s blown out of the water,” I said with a little laugh. “So you might as well spill.”

She hesitated before nodding. “Come up here.” She pointed behind us. “Where it’s quieter.”

I followed her until she stopped and picked at her nails, roughly this time, completely ruining her nail polish.

“It’s… remember years ago, when Dawn and I were friends?”

“Yeah, of course.” They had lived in each other’s pockets until one day they seemed to hate each other on sight. I had been only too grateful when Tammie decided she was my friend instead.

“Not many people do, but it all started then. Our parents were good friends, so we were together a lot, and we told each other everything. I mean
everything
. So anyway, one day she told me a secret and said I couldn’t tell anyone. I worried myself sick about it, so sick that Mam knew something was wrong, and she made me tell her.”

“What was it?”

Tammie took a deep breath. “Dawn’s mam and my dad. She caught them
together
. And I told. It caused so much unbelievable shit, but Dad told Mam that Dawn was a little liar, that she never saw them together. He begged me to back him up. Dawn’s parents were already splitting up over it, and I didn’t want the same thing to happen to mine, so I… I did what he asked. I called her a liar, said she was always making things up. I even said she admitted lying about it to me, and my parents stayed together. That’s why she hates me so much. I know I let you think she was just a spiteful bitch, but she had a reason for it. Can’t really blame her, right?”

“That’s so screwed up. How could your dad—”

“That’s not all of it.” She looked as though she might vomit. “Months ago, I saw them together. Kissing. On the street. Right out in public. I mean, it must have been going on for years. I was in bits over it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, to tell anyone, apart from Joey. He always knows what to do, you know?”

I nodded, my own stomach turning.

“I wanted to tell you—I did—but you were with Nathan or Amelia all the time, and I got pissed about it. At first, I didn’t want to talk, but then it seemed as though you were turning to Amelia instead of me. I felt like I had nobody, except Joey.”

“Oh, no, Tams. It wasn’t like that for me.”

“Yeah, well, it all got wrapped up in my head. I couldn’t deal with it, so I unloaded it all to Joey. He told me to confront my dad, to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake. So I did, and Dad… he started crying, said it was all a big misunderstanding, that he didn’t mean it. He said he was comforting her out of pity. That he felt
sorry
for her.”

She kept her eyes on her fingers. “That’s when I first realised that Joey would stay with me if he pitied me. I knew he didn’t like me the way I liked him. I knew it, and I didn’t care as long as I was with him, as long as I had
someone
for myself. It sounds stupid now, stupid saying it out loud, but at the time, I needed him. I needed someone, and you weren’t there anymore. No, I’m not blaming you. I’m just saying it was a bad time for me.”

“But what happened with your dad?”

“He made me promise not to say anything. He said Mam would kick him out, that he would have nowhere to go. So I agreed. I still didn’t want them to break up, but I felt like a little kid again. I was terrified, like, all the time. It was ridiculous, and my head kept getting all screwed up over it.”

She exhaled shakily. “I couldn’t blame Dad because he would get mad at me and make a million excuses, so I blamed everyone else. I took it out on everyone, pretty much. Especially you.” She shook her head, looking disgusted. “But then he started getting me to lie for him, to cover for him. I mean, he made a fool out of Mam, and he used
me
to do it. I was so stressed out that I’m pretty sure I failed my summer exams.”

She quickly wiped her eyes, but when she spoke again, her voice grew stronger. “I wanted to talk to you, but you’ve been really distant for a while. You had stuff on your mind that you weren’t telling me, and I was kind of scared to know what was going on with you. I couldn’t handle any more, you know? And sometimes, I would be afraid that you knew already, and that’s why you avoided me. I started thinking that Dawn knew, and she told Nathan, and he told you, and you were all having a good laugh about it behind my back.” She gave a humourless laugh.

“I would never do that to you, Tams,” I said softly.

“I told you, my head was screwed up. You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve been thinking. I couldn’t handle it, and I was so paranoid about every little thing. I do that, though. That’s my thing. I get fixated, imagine things.” She sighed and shook her head. “I picture it happening in my head, and then I get mad because I convince myself it’s true. But this was worse, and I swear, I thought I was losing my mind for a while there. So anyway, I ended up telling Joey everything. The truth this time, and I’m pretty sure he really is sticking around out of pity. We’re going to split up. Soon, I think. He’s biding his time, and I don’t know how to make him change his mind. Sometimes I want him to leave me alone because we’re connected with everything bad. I’m sick of worrying about when he’ll end it. I told you. My head’s messed up.”

I saw the tears in her eyes and the trembling of her lower lip, and I realised I hadn’t been there for her through any of it. She hadn’t trusted me, just as I couldn’t trust my own father, just as I couldn’t trust Tammie or Joey. So many secrets and lies. We both knew what it was like to deal with something alone, and I felt a pang of regret for her. “I’m sorry I wasn’t… I’m just sorry.”

She made a face. “Like you said, I pushed you away.”

“So what happened with your parents?”

She gave a watery smile. “I told the truth, and Dad freaked out. He called me every name under the sun and told Mam I was looking for attention, that I was jealous and spoiled and that nothing was ever enough for me. My sisters all believed him, and none of them talked to me for weeks. Some of them still won’t. But Mam asked me out straight, and I told her everything. She just nodded, her mouth all tight. She made him leave, said she might have forgiven him for betraying her, but she could never forgive him for what he had done to me, how he had torn the family apart.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, fully aware of how inadequate my words were.

“Don’t be. I got what I deserved, didn’t I? I thought Dawn would tell everyone, that she’d really make my life hell over this, but she didn’t. I can’t believe it after everything I’ve done to her. I… I actually made myself believe she was lying years ago. I made myself hate her, but she’s a much better person than I am. She should have told everyone. I deserve it.”

“You don’t deserve any of it. You were just a kid back then.”

“Maybe,” she said. “At first, yeah, definitely. But the rest of it? All on me. Worst bit is that I’m just like him. Mam’s always said it, and now I know it’s true. You were right before about me treating you like crap because I knew you’d take it. Just like Dad did to me. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

She sounded absolutely disgusted with herself, and I felt horrified that so much had gone on with her that I had been completely oblivious to. Life had gone on for everyone around me, and I was at a standstill, wishing everything could go back to the way it had been.

“You were manipulated by your own father. He’s the one in the wrong.”

“You’re lucky,” she said abruptly. “Your dad would never ever do anything like that to you. I used to think he was annoying, but now I’m kind of jealous because at least you know he cares about you.”

I stared at her, startled by the truth in that.

“I’m going to apologise to Dawn.” She swallowed hard. “And I really think you need to talk to Nathan. The way you look at each other… it would be a waste not to at least talk. I mean, even if you don’t get back together, you could still be friends, right?”

“I don’t know.” I hugged her. “Thanks for telling me everything, Tams.”

She gripped me tighter. “I’ve missed you lots, Per. I know it’s hard to be a friend to me, but thanks for listening. I don’t deserve it.”

“Course you do.”

She hurried away, a new expression on her face, almost as though she was relieved to have gotten it all off her chest. Sometimes, I wished for that relief. I wished my father knew everything so I could stop that tight, choked-up feeling in my chest whenever I had to lie to him and pretend that everything was okay. That
I
was okay living with what I had done.

The circle kept coming back to me, to the things I had done… or hadn’t. I couldn’t believe I had been so self-absorbed that I hadn’t realised something was terribly wrong in Tammie’s life. I hadn’t thought about considering
why
she was acting the way she had. Or that Dawn had a reason for disliking Tammie. That made me no better than anyone.

Worst of all, I had been so concerned with werewolf business that I had neglected Dad, Gran, and even Tammie. I had messed up so badly in every area of my life.

There was still one thing I could fix. Nathan had looked so guilty when he saw me, and once I had laid eyes on him, I could almost forget about the reasons why we shouldn’t be together. But they still existed, and he needed to be able to go about his business without feeling at fault for having a life after me.