Purity (Pure and Tainted) (36 page)

Hesler raised an eyebrow. “How long are we talking about?”

K lifted her shoulders. “I don’t know. He just said he needed
time.”

“Well, I can tell you that without proper training, a broken or
unconditioned skinsuit will give you major complications. And it won’t be able
to control your hormone surges either. I’d give you a few hours—half a day max
before you start having some very nasty problems.”

“But what if I stayed with you and learned to retrain the suit
until Boone had a solution? Would that be possible?”

Hesler shook his head. “I’m sorry, Commander K but the training
process takes years and it cannot, under any circumstances, be interrupted.
Even if your giant perfected a formula to help you in a month or two, you’d
still be stuck in the suit.”

“Why?” K demanded. “What happens if you interrupt the process? If
you take off the suit before it’s all the way trained?”

“You’ll die,” Hesler said flatly. “It’s a choice every Paladin has
to make when they first break their suit’s conditioning—remain in the suit and
undergo the lengthy and arduous training process to subdue it to your will…or
take it off at once and never put it on again. I’m sorry, but there’s no in
between. Once you start down this road, you can’t deviate. Not if you want to
live.”

K felt the last spark of hope she’d had die. “And while I’m
wearing the suit, training it, I can’t be with Boone. Not the way he needs me
to be with him. Not the way I…I
want
to
be with him.” She looked at Hesler. “Could I at least…touch him?”

The Tainted Captain shook his head. “I’m sorry, but no. Not for the
first few years, at least. Skin-to-skin touching inhibits the training
process.”

K felt sick.
“So no touching or sexual activity
during training.
But if I don’t train my suit—if I take it off and let
my cycle resume—I’ll go feral and kill him.”

“It
is
possible to take
it off for sexual activity
once
it’s
trained,” Hesler said. “Some of our people do it. But to be honest, it takes
years to learn to touch again, even without the suit on. As I told you, I still
don’t enjoy skin-to-skin contact and I don’t think I ever will. And my suit has
been well trained for the past five years. Your giant would have to be willing
to wait.”

“Wait for years of training and then time after that for me to get
used to touching again,” K said, her heart sinking even more. “How many years
are we talking about exactly?”

“Five is the minimum,” Hesler said matter-of-factly. “But I’ve
seen it take as long as seven solar years to retrain the suit. It depends on
the Paladin’s force of will. You strike me as the type who could do it in five.
After that…” He shrugged. “It’s anyone’s guess how long it would take you to
acclimate to touching again.”

“Five to seven years just for the training,” K echoed. “That’s a
prison sentence.” She shook her head, remembering the feel of Boone’s big, warm
hands on her bare skin. “It’s not fair to ask Boone to wait that long. Not when
he couldn’t even
touch
me.
When I wouldn’t
want
him
touching me.”

“It’s a long time,” Hesler said neutrally. “Only you can decide
how long is too long.”

“It’s too long.” K felt a lump in her throat. “I
can’t…can’t
ask it of him.”

“Well, then,” Hesler said. “You can always stay with us.”

“You’re offering me a place?” K looked up in surprise.

He nodded.
“Absolutely.
We can always use
good people and from what I’ve seen, you’re one of the best.”

“All you’ve seen me do is kill the High Sentinel.” Purity, the
words sounded strange in her mouth.

“Exactly,” Hesler said grimly. “And that’s more than enough. You
have a place among the Tainted forever for that one simple act, Commander K.”

“I…thank you.” K didn’t know what else to say.

“You’re welcome. There’s no pressure—you can take it or leave it.
Just know that if you want to come with us, we’d be pleased to have you.” He
rose from the table. “And now let’s get you back to your giant’s ship. He’ll
want to hear your decision in person—whatever you decide.”

K shook her head. “There’s no decision to make. As much as it
hurts I’ll have to…to leave him.” Her throat felt tight as she said the words
but she knew they were the truth. What else could she do?

Hesler nodded. “Like I said, feeling hurts like a sonofabitch. When
you get back, we’ll begin your suit’s training. Eventually, you’ll be able to
eradicate emotion without clouding your thoughts or judgments. You’ll never
have to feel emotional pain again—you’ll be able to turn it off like flipping a
switch.”

“I wish you could teach me now,” K whispered. “Would that be
possible? Even a little bit? I don’t want to go over there like this…feeling
like I do now. It’s going to be so hard…
too
hard…”

“I’m sorry.” Hesler gave her a sympathetic look. “I wish I could
but as I said, it’s a long, arduous process. It takes the first year alone to
begin eradicating emotion. And I don’t think your giant will be willing to wait
that long to see you again. We’ve only had you over here for one standard hour
and they’ve already hailed us five times, wanting to know if you’re all right
and when you’re coming back.”

“But I can’t go back. Not to stay.” K felt tears welling up in her
eyes again and fought to keep them down. “How can I tell him that? How can I…
hurt
him like that?”

Hesler sighed. “Hurt him now so you don’t kill him later. Look, I
know
what you’re going through—the
emotional pain. I tried going without the suit myself a few years back. I had
it trained perfectly—so perfectly I grew overconfident. I thought I could do
without it. I took it off long enough to go through one cycle—just
one.”
He held up one finger as though to
emphasize his point.

“And?”
K whispered.

Hesler shook his head. “I can’t…I don’t want to talk about it in
detail. But I
do
know I never want to
go through it again. Being without the suit, unable to turn off my emotions—it
wasn't good.”

“What about the touching?” K asked. “You said you didn’t enjoy it.
But when you go through a cycle…”

“I
didn’t
enjoy it,”
Hesler said grimly. “But I
needed
it.”
He closed his eyes briefly and his deep voice grew strained. “It was the worst
kind of Hell.
The fucking
worst.
”

K remembered how she’d felt when Boone had first taken her suit.
How frightening it was to need to be touched when the very idea of skin-to-skin
contact repelled her. What would it be like to go through that again only this
time for years and years? How could she possibly expect Boone to put up with
that?
Especially after first waiting years for her to train
her suit?
It was too much to ask of him—too much to ask of anyone.

“It’s better to keep a clear head and a cold heart,” Hesler said,
interrupting her dismal thoughts. “The suit’s good for that. That’s all I’ll
say.”

“All right.”
K rose on shaky legs and took a
deep breath. “I’ll just have to do my best then.”

“Look, if it’s too hard, Boone doesn’t need to know you can feel
again right now,” Hesler said gently. “Your eyes are still black with the
Purist drugs and they will be for awhile yet. Let him think you feel nothing
and that’s why you’re leaving him.”

“And…you think that will help?”

Hesler nodded. “Stay calm and cool, like you would in a combat
situation. If you start crying and letting your emotions show, things are only
going to get harder and messier.” He shook his head grimly. “Believe me—I
know.”

“All right.”
K nodded and took a deep breath.
I can do this,
she told herself.
For Boone’s sake, I
have
to do this.
“I’m ready,” she told Hesler. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Thirty

The comlink hissed, distracting Boone from his pacing.

“What? What is it?” he demanded, addressing the small box on the
wall.

“She’s
baaack,”
Loki’s
voice trilled with a faint crackle of static. “She’s headed your way. I sent
her to your room.”

“Finally!”
Boone turned toward the door just
as it slid open.

There was K, her slim body still encased in the black skinsuit. Her
eyes were black, her face impassive. For a moment Boone didn’t know what to
say.

“K—” He took a step toward her and then another and another. She
didn’t offer to meet him halfway. She just stood there. He went to her anyway.
“K, sweetheart…” Boone enfolded her in his arms, holding her the way he had so
many times when she needed his touch to keep from shaking herself apart.

It was like hugging a block of ice.

Finally, he stepped away.

“I trust your sister is safe?” she said coldly.

“She is. We intercepted the ship you sent her out on. She’s sedated
and sleeping in her room, thanks to you,” Boone replied. “Why did you—”

“I can only stay a moment,” she interrupted, her voice cool and
flat.
Emotionless.

“Only stay a moment? What are you talking about?” Boone looked at
her uncertainly. “Where do you plan on going?”

“Captain Hesler has offered me a place among the Tainted.” K’s
black-on-black eyes shifted away from his for a second. “It seems likely to be
the best offer I’ll get. Logically, I should take it.”

“To hell with that!”
Boone exploded, his hands balled
into fists. “I knew I shouldn’t have let him take you for ‘debriefing.’
Brainwashing is more like it!”

“He did nothing but give me my options and offer me a place among
my own kind,” K said coldly.

“Your place is here—with me,” Boone protested.

K arched an eyebrow at him.
“For what purpose?
I have no place among your crew. There is no duty or function I perform for you
that cannot be filled by another.”

“That’s not true. There
is
a place no one but you can fill.” Boone put a fist to his heart. “It’s here,
darlin’.
Right here.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Boone. I understand that you have
emotions for me but I have none for you. Not anymore.”

“That can’t be true,” he said fiercely. Taking her by the
shoulders he looked down into her bottomless black eyes. “I refuse to believe
it. I saw the look on your face—heard you cry out when you shot that old
bastard, the High Sentinel. You told me about him once before, K—he was a
sonofabitch but he was also the closest thing you had to a father and a mentor.
Shooting him hurt you and it wouldn’t have hurt if you didn’t still have
feelings.”

“Boone—” She looked away from him.

“You wouldn’t have done it,” Boone continued stubbornly, ducking
his head to catch her eyes again.
“Wouldn’t have shot him if
those feelings weren’t for
me
.”

She stepped away from his touch. “It’s
true,
I
did
experience a burst of emotion
at the moment I pulled the trigger. But I’m afraid it was the very last emotion
I had to give. Rather like…” She paused for a moment, as though trying to think
of a way to explain. “Rather like a star going nova. It gives one last
brilliant burst of energy and radiation just before it dies.”

Boone’s shoulders sagged and he felt sick. “So you’re saying…”

“The feelings I experienced when I killed the High Sentinel rather
than you were the last I’ll ever feel. My capacity for emotion has been
reached. I can no longer feel anything as much…” She cleared her throat.
“As much as you might wish me to.”

“It’s because of that Goddamn suit.” Boone reached for her again,
itching to tear the sticky black webbing away from her slender frame. “I only
put one on for a half hour, you know, just to come get you off that damn rock.
It was modified but it still messed with my mind. If you’ll just take the damn
thing off—”

“That’s close enough.” Suddenly there was a blaster in her hand.
“You know I can’t take it off and you know why.”

“I can help you with that. I’ve been working on a solution.”

She appeared to consider for a moment. “Are you certain it will
work?”

“Well, no,” Boone had to admit. “But with a few more months of
testing, I—”

“That’s not good enough,” K interrupted. “I don’t have that kind
of time, Boone.”

“What are you talking about? You’ve got the suit on and your
hormones appear to be in check—why is there suddenly a time limit?” he
demanded.

“I…” K shook her head. “Never mind, it’s not important. Besides, taking
off the suit would do no good. I told you, I can’t feel anything anymore.
With or without it.”

“I don’t believe that,” Boone said thickly. “I don’t believe you
don’t care. That you don’t love me the way I love you.”

“You told me once you would teach me what love is,” K said, her
tone a little softer. “I…I’m sorry I never got to learn from you, Boone. But
it’s too late now.” She lowered her blaster. “I have to go. The other Tainted
are waiting.”

“You’re not one of the Tainted.” His voice was hoarse in his own
ears and his throat felt tight but he made himself go on. “You’re not a Paladin
or a princess or any of the other things everyone else has tried to make you
into.”

“Then what do you say I am?” Her eyes were still blank and black
but her voice was barely a whisper.

“You’re just K. You’re the woman I love.” Boone felt like his
heart was breaking, like something inside him was melting…dying. His eyes were
stinging. “I swear to God, K, if you leave me now…
don’t
leave. Just…don’t. I love you.”

“I have to.” She lifted her chin. “I have…nothing else to offer
you. I fear nothing. I…I feel nothing.”

“I don’t believe that.” But his voice was barely more than a
whisper.

“It’s true,” she insisted. “I’m sorry, Boone. I have to go—for
both our sakes.”

Lifting her chin, she turned and pressed the latch to open the
door. The metal panel slid open with a hiss…

And she walked out of his life forever.

* * * * *

K felt like her heart was going to burst as she walked down the
corridor. She couldn’t stop seeing the pain in Boone’s eyes, hearing the agony
in his voice when she told him she was leaving and never coming back.

I had to,
she told herself over and over
again.
I can’t stay with him and expect
him to give up touching and love and sex and everything he wants so I can train
the suit for five long years. And I can’t take the suit off because I’ll kill
him. This is for the best. It’s the only way.

But if it was all for the best, then why did her chest feel so
tight? Why were her eyes stinging with unshed tears?

K fought grimly to keep them back. She was almost out of here,
almost to the airlock where the small shuttle Hesler had loaned her was docked
and waiting for her return. She only had to keep up this ruse a little while
longer and then, the minute she was safely locked inside the shuttle, she could
give in to the emotions that were threatening to drown her.

If only I could have hugged him one
more time…felt his hands on me, his mouth on mine just once more…

K pushed the thought away savagely. There was no point in
entertaining such useless wishes. But she couldn’t push aside the emotions they
engendered quite so easily. Love and longing and loss flooded her, making it
hard to think, hard to move, hard to
breathe,
when she just wanted to sink down and die right here in the middle of the
hallway.

Purity but it hurt to feel—hurt
so much.

“K,” she heard Boone shout and knew he was coming after her. She
couldn’t go through another scene with him and maintain her composure—she just
couldn’t.
Walking faster, she tried to
keep ahead of him.

When I get back to the Tainted ship
I’ll have Hesler start the training on my suit right away,
K swore to herself.
I’ll do what he does—turn off the emotion.
I’ll never let myself feel ever again, not if it means feeling like this.

Suddenly, a strange, high-pitched sound came echoing down the
corridor.

K turned, her hand automatically going to her hip and the hilt of
her blaster. But before she could draw it, something small and incredibly fast
was under her feet.

She tried to keep her footing but the thing was too quick for her—just
a blur of motion. And then another one joined it. K couldn’t help herself. Suddenly
graceless, she found herself falling.

“Purity!” she gasped. “What—?”

But before she could finish her sentence she was flat on her back.
Then one of the things attacking her pounced on her chest.