Push (6 page)

"Precious! Are you alright! Breathe! Relax and breathe. Should I call an ambulance? Nine-one-one? Your mother—"

"NO!"

"What's wrong Precious?"

I struggles for air, "I... the pages look alike to me." I breave in deep, there I said it.

Miz Rain sigh sad like. "I think I understand you, Precious. But for now, I want you to try, push yourself Precious, go for it."

I reach out my hand for book.

"Just do the best you can, if you don't know a word skip—" She stop. "Just look at the page and say the words you do know."

I look at the page, it's some people at the beach.

Some is white, some is orange and gray (I guess thas spozed to be colored).

"What do you think the story is about Precious?"

"Peoples at the beach."

"That's right." Miz Rain point to a letter, ask me what is it. I say, "A" She point to some more letters. I don't say nuffin'. "Do you know that word?" No, I don't. "Do you know the letters?"

Umm hmmm. She point D, then A, then Y. She say do you know that word? No I don't but I say silence. She say, " 'Day,' that word is 'day.' " She point back at A, then "DAY," then point at A, T, say, "What's that word?" I say, "Ate." She say,

"Good! Almost! That word is 'at.' " Then point next word. I say, "The"; then she point last word.

I say, "Beach," but I'm not sure, I know B in

"beach," no B in that word. She say, " 'Shore,'

that word is 'shore,' that's almost like 'beach,'

very good very good," she say. Then she say in soft voice like cat purr (I always wishted I had a cat), "Can you read the whole thing?" I say, "A Day at the Beach." She says very good and closes the book. I want to cry. I want to laugh. I want to hug kiss Miz Rain. She make me feel good. I never readed nuffin' before.

Wednesday can't come fast enuff" I'm thinking as I walk down one-two-five. I loves Harlem, especially 125th Street. Lotta stuff" out here. You could see we got culchure. I gotta ask my muver for some money for journal book and pay Rhonda back for chips. This gonna be good school for me I know it.

My muver is in the middle of her stories when I come in—TV, TV She shout on me the minute I open the door.

"Bring your fat ass in here!"

What she think I was doing? I'm tired; I don't want no trouble.

"Where you sneak your ass off to this morning?"

She look like whale on couch. My muver have not left the house in, let's see—1983, '84, '85,

'86, 'n now '87. Ever since Little Mongo was born.

Social worker come here. I be at school. My grandmuver, Tbosie, bring Little Mongo over on days social worker come; game is Little Mongo live here, my mama take care of Little Mongo and me. My mama get check 'n food stamps for me 'n Lil Mongo. But it's my baby. Little Mongo is money for me!

"You hear me talking to you! I said where you sneak your ass off to this morning!"

"School!" I shout back. "I was school!"

"You was school?" Mama mimic me how I talk. I hate that! She know what I mean. "You lying whore!"

"Not!"

"You is! The welfare done called here, saying they is removing you from my budget 'cause you not in regular attendance at school."

JeeZUS! Where she been! I told her I got kickted out. I been home three weeks, twenty-four seven. She here when Mrs Lichenstein's white ass come here. I mean Mama what's the deal!

Who stupid, me or Mama?

"What you staring at?"

To get to my room I got to walk past Mama. I jus'

wanna go to my room.

"I ain' had no breakfast," Mama say.

Oh, so that's it. She want me to cook. Mad

'cause I ain' cook 'fore I left. Shit, get tired of cooking for her. It hard for Mama to stand up long. I look at her. She ain' circus size yet but she getting there. Usta be when I go to regular school Mama make me fix breakfast, bring it to her room 'fore I leave. But since I be outta school I just fix it a little later. She know today I was goin' to alternative.

"I tole you I was goin' to school today."

"Forget school! You better git your ass on down to welfare!"

"I gonna get stipend for school."

"Fool fuck a stipend! What's that. I said take your ass down to welfare NOW!"

"Now?" She know I got to be there at 7 a.m. if I gonna get to talk to anybody. Welfare very crowded nowadays. "I go in the morning first thing."

Same thing in me when I try to hit Mrs Lichenstein 'n when I grabbed the knife in the dishwater—only deeper. I think my mind a TV set smell like between my muver's legs. I stupid. I ain' got no education even tho' I not miss days of school. I talks funny. The air floats like water wif pictures around me sometime. Sometimes I can't breathe. I'm a good girl. I don't fucks boyz but I'm pregnant. My fahver fuck me. And she know it.

She kick me in my head when I'm pregnant. She take my money. Money for Little Mongo should be mine. A Day at the Beach Shore A Day A Day ABC Alphabetical order CD ABCD. I grab my notebook. I look at my muver.

"I go to welfare tomorrow—Tuesday. Wednesday I go to school. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I go to school."

I look Mama. This baby feel like a watermelon between my bones getting bigger and my ankles feelin' tight cause they swoled. I sigh. This gonna end, even if it end by me stop breathing. Thas what I want sometimes. Sometime I hurt so bad I want to not wake up, want breathing to stop in my sleep. Have me don't wake up. Other times I start to go a huh a huh ahuh ahuh A HUH A HUH

and I grab my chess 'cause I can't breathe, then I ainʼt breathin'bad.

I try to forget I got baby in me. I hated borning the first one. No fun. Hurt. Now again. I think my daddy. He stink, the white shit drip off his dick.

Lick it lick it. I

HATE that. But then I feel the hot sauce hot cha cha feeling when he be fucking me. I get so confuse. I HATE him. But my pussy be popping.

He say that, "Big Mama your pussy is popping!" I HATE myself when I feel good.

"How long you gonna stand there like you retarded.*'

I start to tell her don't, don't call me that, but all, everything, is out me. I jus' want to lay down, listen to radio, look at picture of Farrakhan, a real man, who don't fuck his daughter, fuck children.

Everything feel like it is too big for my mind. Can't nuffin' fit when I think 'bout Daddy.

"I'm tired." Why I say that, she don't care.

"Fix us some lunch, it's way pas' lunch. you done ate?"

"I had some potato chips."

"Thas all?"

I remember ham 'n chicken, don't say nuffin', ax her, "What you want?" .

"I don't know, see what's in there. If not nuffin' in there, get stamps out my purse and go to store 'n get us'es somethin' to eat."

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPABCDEFGHIJKLMNO

PQRS. There are 26 letters in our alphabet. Each letter has a sound. A Day at the Beach Shore ABCDEFGHI JKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

That night I dream I am not in me but am awake listening to myself choking, going a huh a huh A HUH A HUH A HUH. I am walking around trying to find where I am, where the sound is coming from. I know I will choke to death I don't find myself. I walk to my muver's room but it look different, she look different. I look like little baby almost. She is talkm' sweet to me like sometimes Daddy talks. I am choking between her legs A HUH A HUH. She is smelling big woman smell.

She say suck it, lick me Precious. Her hand is like a mountain pushing my head down. I squeeze my eyes shut but choking don't stop, it get worse. Then I open my eyes and look. I look at little Precious and big Mama and feel hit feeling, feel like killing Mama. But I don't, instead I call little Precious and say, Come to Mama but I means me. Come to me little Precious. Little Precious look at me, smile, and start to sing: ABCDEFG ...

Wednesday morning Jo Ann back. She not like G.E.D. I guess. Say she need a little brush up before she go to G.E.D. Miz Rain don't say nuffin'

till she hear the brush up stuff, then Miz Rain say,

"Are you in the right class Jo Ann? This is a class to learn reading and writing, this is not a brush up for G.E.D." Jo Ann look hate at Miz Rain. I like Miz Rain. I see what she doing, I think. Jo Ann tryin' to act like she ain' one of us. Miz Rain tryin'

to git her to 'cept herself for where she at. She ain' no G.E.D. girl, leas' not yet.

Miz Rain call roll: Jermaine Hicks, Rhonda Johnson, Precious Jones, Consuelo Montenegro, Jo Ann Rogers, Rita Romero. Everybody here.

Miz Rain ax, "Who wishes to start?" Jo Ann and Jermaine look at her like what she talking. I go to stand up, see Rita Romero done beat me to my feet. She slim, not pretty but she got that light skin that stand for something. Miz Rain look me, say, Gone git up Precious, you can recite together. Rita smile half a smile at me; it's real, but only half 'cause she don't want to show rot teef. I look in her eye, she nod, we go together: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

Then everybody go except Jo Ann. Then Miz Rain ax us to get out our journal books. Mama don't give me no money but I took the change from the food stamps when I was shopping to git one. I got Rhonda's 50 cents too from bottles and cans.

"This is your journal," Miz Rain say. "You're going to write in it everyday." Jo Ann look disgusted, like yeah right! One minute we doin' ABCs, next minute we spozed to be writing. Miz Rain give her look like fuck you bitch. I can tell Miz Rain don't like her but she don't say nothin'. She jus'

tell us we gonna write in our journals for fifteen minutes everyday.

How, I wonder.

"How," Rhonda say out loud, "how we gonna write for fifteen minutes if we can't spell?"

What we gonna write if we could spell, I wonder.

"What," Jermaine throw her two cents in, "what we gonna write?"

Miz Rain say, "Write what's on your mind, push yourself to see the letters that represent the words you're thinking." She turn to me ax real fast, "Precious what's on your mind?" I say,

"What?"' She say, "What you was thinking just then." I go to open my mouf. She say, "Don't say it, write it" I say, "I can't." She say, "Don't say that." She say, "DO what I say, write what you was dunking." I do:

li Mg o mi m

She tell everyone to not talk and to write for the next fifteen minutes. Everybody is trying something. After time up Miz Rain come to my book ax me to read what I wrote. I reads: "Little Mongo on my mind."

Underneaf what I wrote Miz Rain write what I said in pencil.

li Mg o mi m

(Little Mongo on my mind)

Then she write:

Who is Little Mongo?

She read me what she wrote, tell me to write my answer to her question in the book. I copy Little Mongo's name from where Miz Rain had wrote it.

Litte mony is mi cie

Miz Rain read, "Little Mongo is my child?" She have question in her voice. I say, "Yes yes." Miz Rain know Little Mongo is my child 'cause I wrote it in my journal. I am happy to be writing. I am happy to be in school. Miz Rain say we gonna write everyday, that mean home too. 'N she gonna write back everyday. Thas great.

I go home. I'm so lonely there. I never notice before. I'm so busy getting beat, cooking, cleaning, pussy and asshole either hurting or popping. School I a joke: black monster, Big Bertha, Blimp B54 where are you? 'N the TVs in my head always static on, flipping picture. So much pain, shame—I never feel the loneliness. It such a small thing compare to your daddy climb on you, your muver kick you, slave you, feel you up. But now since I been going to school I feel lonely. Now since I sit in circle I realize all my life, all my life I been outside of circle. Mama give me orders, Daddy porno talk me, school never did learn me.

It been a month now. I runs in from school nowadays. I don't pretend I'm not pregnant no more. I let it above my neck, in my head. Not that I didn't know it before but now it's like part of me; more than something stuck in me, growing in me, making me bigger. I run past my muver into my room. I wish I had TV in my room. My muver never let me have TV. She say come sit with her.

I don't wanna.

I sit in my room. I know too who I'm pregnant for.

But I can't change that. Abortion is a sin. I hate bitches who kill they babies. They should kill them, see how they like it! I talk to baby. Boy be nice. Girl might be retarded, like me? But I not retarded.

I bet chu one thing, I bet chu my baby can read.

Bet a mutherfucker that! Betcha he ain' gonna have no dumb muver.

I look down my stomach. I'm some big now. I'm only seven months but I know I look nine. I mean I am big. Scale just stop at 200 but I know if it a different scale like hospital scale it just keep going. I'm going to doctor tomorrow. Miz Rain fall out, I mean she fall out! when she finded out I ain' been to doctor. PRENATAL! PRENATAL! The whole damn class is screamin' preeeenatal!

Whas that! You gotta this, they say, and you gotta that— I don't gotta though. I don't tell them I had first baby on kitchen floor, Muver kicking me, pains whipping me. Who gonna believe some shit like that?

I look Farrakhan. I look out window at dirt bricks of other building, no sky like school. I got 'nother poster on wall now. Miz Rain give me poster like what we got on wall at school. Thas Harriet nex'

to Farrakhan. She leaded over 300 black people out of slavery. You seen Roots'? I ain't. Miz Rain say see Roots, find out what it's all about.

I put my han' on my stomach. I sit here, res'

awhile 'fore Mama call me to fix dinner or clean up. It's 26 letters in the alphabet. Each letter got sound. Put sound to letters, mix letters together and get words. You got words. "Baby," start wif B, b for "baby," I says in nice soft voice. Soon as he git born I'ma start doing the ABCs. This my baby.

My muver took Little Mongo but she am' taking this one. I am comp'tant. I was comp'-tant enough for her husband to fuck. She ain' come in here and say, Carl Kenwood Jones—thas wrong!

Git off Precious like that! Can't you see Precious is a beautiful chile like white chile in magazines or on toilet paper wrappers. Precious is a blue-eye skinny chile whose hair is long braids, long long braids. Git off Precious, fool! It time for Precious to go to the gym like Janet Jackson. It time for Precious hair to be braided. Get off my chile nigger!