Push (5 page)

"Urn hmmm, that's my for real hope to die if I'm lying name."

"Your first name Blue?" same girl say.

"Urn hmm," Ms Rain say this like she tired of mannish girl.

"Splain that!"

"Well," say Ms Rain real proper. "I don't feel I have to explain my name." She look at girl, girl git message. "Now as I was saying my name is Blue Rain. I was born in California. My favorite color is purple. What do I do good? Urnmm, I sing purty good. And I'm here because my girlfriend used to teach here and she was out one day and asked me to substitute for her, then when she quit, they asked me did I want the job. I said yeah and I been here ever since."

I look around the circle, it's six people, not counting me. A big redbone girl, loud bug-out girl who find my notebook at chicken place, Spanish girl with light skin, then this brown-skin Spanish girl, and a girl my color in boy suit, look like some kinda butch.

Big Red talking now, "My name Rhonda Patrice Johnson." Rhonda big, taller than me, light skin but it don't do nuffin' for her. She ugly, got big lips, pig nose, she fat fat and her hair rusty color but short short.

"I was born in Kingston, Jamaica." Ain' that something! She don't talk funny at all like how coconut head peoples do. "My favorite color is blue, I cook good."

"What?" somebody say.

"Name it!" Rhonda shoot back.

"Peas 'n rice!"

"Yeah yeah," like why even mention somethin' so basic.

"Curry goat!"

"Yeah, you name it," Rhonda say. "My mother usta have a restaurant on Seventh Ave before she got sick, she taught me everything. I'm here,"

she say serious, "to bring my reading up so I could get my G.E.D."

The skinny light-skin Spanish girl speak, "My name is Rita Romero. I was born right here in Harlem. I'm here because I was an addict and dropped out of school and never got my reading and writing together. My favorite color is black."

She smile messed up teef. "I guess you could tell that." We could looking at her clothes 'n shoes, all black.

"What you do good?" Rhonda ax.

"Hmm," she say, then in shaky voice real slow,

"I'm a good mother, a very good mother."

Brown girl talk. We about the same color but I think thas all we got the same. I is all girl. Don't know here.

"My name is Jermaine."

Uh oh! Some kinda freak.

"My favorite color—"

"Tell us where you born first," Rhonda again.

Jermaine give Rhonda a piss on you look.

Rhonda cut her eyes at Jermaine like jump bad if you want to. Jermaine say she was born in the Bronx, still live there. Red her favorite color. She a good dancer. She come here 'cause she want to get away from negative influence of the Bronx.

Spanish girl Rita say, "You come to Harlem to get away from bad influence?"

Jermaine, which I don't have to tell you is a boy's name, say, "It's who you know and I know too many people in the Bronx baby."

"How did you find out about the program?" Miz Rain ax.

"A friend."

Miz Rain don't say nothin' else.

Girl foun' my notebook next. "Jo Ann is my name, rap is my game. My color is beige. My ambition is to have my own record layer."

Miz Rain look at her. I wonder myself what is a record layer.

"Where was you born and why you at this school," Rhonda ax. OK, I see Rhonda like to run things.

"I was born in King's County Hospital. My mother moved us to Harlem when I was nine years old.

I'm here to get my G.E.D., then, well I'm already into the music industry. I just need to take care of the education thing so I can move on up."

Next girl speaks. "My name is Consuelo Montenegro." Ooohhh she pretty Spanish girl, coffee-cream color wit long oP good hair. Red blouse. "Why I'm here, favorite color—what's-alla dat shit?" She look Ms Rain in face, mad.

Miz Rain calm. Rain, nice name for her. Ack like she don't mind cursing, say, "It's just a way of breaking the ice, a way of getting to know each other better, by asking nonthreatening questions that allow you to share yourself with a group without having to reveal more of yourself than might be comfortable." She pause. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to."

"I don't want to," beautiful girl say.

Everybody looking at me now. In circle I see everybody, everybody see me. I wish for back of the class again for a second, then I think never that again, I kill myself first 'fore I let that happen.

"My name Precious Jones. I was born in Harlem.

My baby gonna be borned in Harlem. I like what color— yellow, thas fresh. 'NI had a problem at my ol' school so I come here."

"Something you do good," Rhonda say.

"Nuffin'," I say.

"Everybody do something good," Ms Rain say in soft voice.

I shake my head, can't think of nuffin'. I'm staring at my shoes.

"One thing," Ms Rain.

"I can cook," I say. I keep my eyes on shoes. I never talk in class before 'cept to cuss teacher or kids if they fuckwif me.

Miz Rain talking about the class. "Periodically we'll be getting into a circle to talk and work but let's put our chairs back in rows for now and move on with our business. Well, first thing, this is a basic reading and writing class, a pre-G.E.D.

adult literacy class, a class for beginning readers and writers. This is not a G.E.D. class—"

"This not G.E.D.?" Jermaine ax.

"No, it's not. This class is set up to teach students how to read and write," Miz Rain say.

"Shit I know how to read and write, I want to get my G.E.D.,"JoAnnsay.

Miz Rain look tired, "Well then this class isn't for you. And I'd appreciate it if you watch your language, this is a school."

"Ain' shit to me—"

"Well then go, Jo Ann, why don't you just tip," Miz Rain seem like, you know, well leave bitch.

Spanish girl, Rita, say, "Well this here is for me. I can't read or write."

Rhonda come in, "I can a little, but I need help."

Jermaine look unsure.

Miz Rain, "If you think you want to be in the G.E.D. class all you have to do is come back to this room at one p.m. for placement testing."

Jermaine don't move. Consuelo look to Jermaine but don't say nuffin'. Jo Ann say she be back at one, fuck this shit! She ain' illiterit. Miz Rain look at me. I'm the only one haven't spoken. I wanna say something but don't know how. I'm not use to talkin', how can I say it? I look Miz Rain. She say,

"Well Precious, how about you, do you feel you're in the right place?"

I want to tell her what I always wanted to tell someone, that the pages, 'cept for the ones with pictures, look all the same to me; the back row I'm not in today; how I sit in a chair seven years old all day wifout moving. But I'm not seven years old. But I am crying. I look Miz Rain in the face, tears is coming down my eyes, but I'm not sad or embarrass.

"Is I Miz Rain," I axes, "is I in the right place?"

She hand me a tissue, say, "Yes, Precious, yes."

Miz Rain say class need a break. "BE BACK IN

15 MINUTES," she say real loud like a machine talk. I get up with the rest, goes out in the lobby.

It's empty 'ceptin' us. The other classes don't be here till 12, Miz Rain say. Rhonda say she goin'

to the store, anybody want some-thin'? I want somethin' but I ain' got no money. Rita give her 50 cents say get chips, salt 'n vinegar, no salt 'n vinegar get plain. Rhonda look me, say, I got you. I look up in her eye. She smile. I feel like I'm gonna cry again. Everybody gonna think I'm a punk, crying, crying. I'm not used to this. But this what I always want, some friendly niceness. I say I pay you back. She say I know you will, what you want. I say barbecue potato chips. She gone! Rhonda move fast for a big girl.

Consuelo, the beautiful Spanish girl, sigh. "Ain'

no guys in our class." This like you know she los'

her welfare check after it jus' been cash or somethin'.

Jermaine say, "Good."

Uh oh! Freaky deaky here. I move a little way from her. I don't want no one getting the wrong idea about me.

Back in class Miz Rain is telling us what we gonna do everyday. So she do know what's what.

I was scared for a minute it be like before. Like before I got A in English and never say nuffin', do nuffin'. I sit in seat. I sit in seat everyday for 55

minutes, chair so far back it touch wall. After first day I don't see hear. I play TV in my mind—

switch back 'n forth from TV to music videos where I'm dancing in little clothes, shit, Fm little.

"Every day," Miz Rain say, "we gonna read and write in our notebooks."

How we gonna write if we can't read? Shit, how we gonna write if we can't write! I don't remember never doing no writing before. My head spinning I'm scared maybe we, maybe this ain' class for me.

Miz Rain talkin'. She say, Chinese saying, I knew she was crazy—we ain' CHINESE! She real serious now, say, "The longest journey begin with a single step." What the fuck that spozed to mean. This school not Star Trek. Rita, Spanish girl, looking at Miz Rain like she done see god.

Rhonda sitting straight up in her seat. Jermaine looking out the side of her eyes at Consuelo.

Consuelo looking at her nails.

Miz Rain hold up notebook, say, "You going to need one notebook like this"—like what I awready got— "and another notebook—loose-leaf or spiral, to keep your notes and class work in." Complicated complicated, Chinese journeys, 2 books, write 'n you don't know how—

Jermaine say, "Where we gonna begin?" Miz Rain say, "At the beginning," and pick a piece of chalk out her purse and walk to the board. She write A on the board, she hand the chalk to Jermaine. Jermaine write B. Jermaine hand it to Consuelo, she write C. Consuelo hand it to Rhonda she write D. Rhonda hand it to Rita. Rita take a step and start to cry. Miz Rain say we all in this together. All us say E real loud, Rita go up

'n write E, hand me chalk 'n I write F and so it go.

Then we sits back down all at once, that make us laff, and Miz Rain say this is the beginning, there are twenty-six letters in the alphabet, they all have a sound. These letters make up all the words in our language. Please open your notebook, write the date, October 19, 1987, then write the alphabet in your notebook.

After we write the alphabet in our notebook we recite it out loud together. Miz Rain say go home and practice saying it 'n saying it. On Wednesday she gonna ask each one to stand up and deliver.

Jermaine say, "Spoze I know it already?" Miz Rain say, "Then it should be no problem for you."

But I remember Jermaine write Q after 0 instead of P. I remember that. I gonna practice. I sure am. Miz Rain say on Wednesday she gonna talk to us about keeping a journal. Tell us again we gotta bring in another notebook for to be our journal. How is a journal different from a notebook I wanna ask but I never asked a question before in school.

I feels little music in my head. I know I'm tripping.

I feel the baby in my stomach. Don't feel good. I try not to think about my stomach big like this—

the heavy pressing down on my bladder parts, like a fucking watermelon under my skin. See a doctor? My muver want me to go get on welfare.

But I'm on welfare—hers. It's like you know, I know she ain't gonna get money for me I am' in school; she gonna always get money for my daughter 'cause she retarded. Maybe somethin'

gonna be wrong wif this baby too. I don't care, maybe if new baby Down Sinder I can get my own check.

But I don't know if I want check. I wonder what reading books be like.

Miz Rain say we almost finished for the day, say she wanna spend some time with each student in little office room to side before we go. Say she gonna call us out one by one in alphabetical order. I feel panicking panicking— I don't know alphabetical order—whas that!

Miz Rain say she be in little office, get up, then say unsure like, I never seen teacher unsure ('less you gettin' ready to hit 'era). She say, "Yall can call me Blue if you want." I look her like she crazy—why we want that? I might say some bad things I get mad or somebody fuck with me or somethin', but I try to show respect for peoples.

So I say to myself, No, Miz Rain, I don't want call you Blue. "Or ... or," she says, "Rain, some people jus' call me Rain." Her voice got a country soun' to it. Jermaine says, "I like that, Rain." Don'

nobody else say nothing.

Rhonda git up after Miz Rain gone. Rhonda something.

"OK, look at alphabets," she say loud. I wanna say you am' got to talk so loud, but I don't. "OK,"

she say, "which name go first."

Consuelo say, "I guess that's me." I wanna know why but I don't ask. I see Rhonda somethin' else of a lady. Wifout me axin', she say, "You git it Precious?" I says, "No." She say, "Look at the alphabets—anybody name start wif A in here." I shake my head. "Z??" I shake my head no. "C?"

Don't shake my head. "Good!" she say. She say,

"Consuelo start wif C, she first." She write: 1. Consuelo

Who next? she axes me. I don't know. She point to D, E, F, G. I look Jermaine. Jermaine say, "My name start wif jr Rhonda go, H, I J— I point Jermaine. Now it's:

Consuelo

Jermaine

Miz Rain stick head in door. Rhonda say, "Give us five." Miz Rain smile us 'n go back out.

Rhonda go, UK, L, M, N, O, P—"

UP for Precious!" I hollers. "I'm next." "You got it, you got it," Rhonda say.

Consuelo

Jermaine

Precious

"Q, R-"

"Rita!" Thas Rita shout that. "I'm R too." Rhonda quiz us, "Which go first me or her?" Jermaine say, "You do," to Rhonda. I don't know why. I remember Jo Ann. I know that J like Jermaine. If she wasn't gone where would she go, in front Jermaine? Behind?

Miz Rain come to the door say, first person.

Consuelo go. Then Miz Rain come back say, Next, Jermaine go. Then she call me. We go in little room off side. "This gonna be painless," Miz Rain say, "I just want you to read a page from this little book." All the air go out my body. I grab my stomach. Miz Rain look scared. "Precious!"

My head water. I see bad things. I see my daddy.

I see TVs I hear rap music I want something to eat I want fuck feeling from Daddy I want die I want die.