Pushing Limits (2 page)

When I asked to come home, I was shocked they
allowed it…but hopeful...it had been so long since we were actually all
together for any time longer than a holiday break.  I had convinced myself
that my mother just wasn’t suited to children.  Now that I was older, more
mature, we could finally be close.  I was certain that once we were
together, she would want to spend time with me. Turns out, the only reason she
let me come home was because she was running for office, and she needed me for
the dog and pony show. 

Life with my mom wouldn’t have been so bad if I
had my Dad, but I never saw much of him when I was home on breaks.  Sure,
he showed up for family events and the parties, but that was it.  He
always seemed so confused about how to deal with me.  He wasn’t comfortable
with any displays of affection; he made sure I learned that early on. 

Dad cowered around her.   And since I
moved home, he’s never really been around, and when he is, he’s distracted and
disinterested.  Any fight between us settled with a mere “Listen to your
mother” comment over his computer. 

My father was an absentee Dad sitting in the
same room. 

My heart tears open, thinking about
Angela.  I miss her so much.  I’ll never forget that first time I met
her.  My mother has no idea that I met Angela working on her campaign. 
I probably never would have crossed paths with her if it hadn’t been for my
mom.  My mother’s worst nightmare materialized from her own dream. 

Angela was sweet and kind, but she didn’t take
my shit either.  I tried to give her the business because my mom was the
candidate.  I was so shy around her, but I did my best candidate
daughter’s with an attitude - all sarcasm and lip, trying to boss her
around.  She called me on my shit right out of the gate.  She laughed
her ass off at my dumbass attitude. 

She was so much fun to hang out with and
totally sexy.  I was so pathetic trying to flirt with her back then. 
Luckily, she thought it was cute.  I dated in school, but not a lot. 
So even though I was eighteen, I was all kinds of stupid and awkward. 
But, she saw me for the person I was inside.  The good and the bad...and
she loved me.  She didn’t give a shit if I had money or not.  She
loved me for me, not what I had or what she thought I could give her.  She
gave me a glimmer of hope that I was lovable, that I was worth something…and
then she was gone.

I miss you, Ang. 
The tears blur my vision as I swipe them away angrily
. 
 
Why did you have to leave me? 
Picking up my favorite photo
of her, I tenderly w
rap the picture in tissue paper,
and place it in my suitcase.    

My mother barges back into my room to dictate
her marching orders, “Your aunt forwarded me the school information.  I
was at my breaking point after the Angela situation so I had her investigate an
alternative to your staying here
.” 
A chill races up my
spine. 
Priceless
.

Her dark eyes glance at her phone, referring to
an e-mail, as her hand smooths a blond hair back into place.  “You will be
attending Texas College.  It’s an exclusive private college in
Austin.  I managed to persuade them to give you a spot despite your
underwhelming academic performance.”  She turns to me to drive her point
home.  Every inch of her 5’11” frame commanding the room, sucking up all
the oxygen.  “You’ll be exposed to suitable husbands and make connections that
will serve the family.  You’ll fly out tomorrow, and your aunt will meet
you on the tarmac in Columbus where she will finish the flight with you to
Austin.  She’ll enroll you and take care of getting you settled in. 
I have spoken with your father, and he is in agreement that it would be best if
we let Aunt Patty manage all your communications until the summer break.” 

I plop onto the bed.  The weight of utter
defeat envelopes me.  She holds all the cards.  I try to mask my
feelings but her smirk tells me she sees it, and she knows she’s won.

Sitting on the bed, Mother pats my hand saying,
“You have an early flight tomorrow.”  She lifts my chin, inspecting my
face.  “You might want to put some Clearasil on that bump tonight,
dear.  You need to make a good impression tomorrow.  You can’t very
well do it with a huge blemish on your face.”

She slaps her hands on her thighs, standing, as
if the matter is settled.  Turning to pull open my door, she says, “I
think you’ll find that if you put your best foot forward, this can be a fresh
start for you.  Concentrate on meeting the
right
people.”  Her
overly plumped lips stretch into a condescending smile, “This really is what’s
best for everyone, Amber.”

 “Really, Mother?  Sounds like it’s
what’s best for you.  Goodnight.”  I turn and shove a shirt into my
bag, feeling a cold shiver up my spine as I hear her last words….a low
muttering of “ungrateful brat” as the door closes.

***

My nightmare crashes to its usual end, waking me with a start.  My heart
pounds as I come down from the rush. 
Shit
! 
The dreams are
back. 
I shake off the chills along with the images that flash in my
mind of blood and a body lying on the floor.

Rubbing my face, I attempt to stifle the ache that always follows one of
my nightmares.  Vainly attempting to push the dread down, shove it
away.   A tear slides down my cheek, and I swipe it away. 
I
can’t cry anymore.  I can’t. 
Swinging my legs off the bed, I
pull on a robe and venture downstairs, hoping to find my mother.  Maybe
after sleeping on it, she’ll see reason.  As I descend the winding
staircase, I formulate my arguments to win her over: it will improve our
relationship, you can monitor my grades, and I can help with public appearances
or charity work.  I hate kissing her ass, but if it’s what I have to do to
stay…I’ll have to suck it up.  I take a deep breath, stand tall, and walk
into the kitchen.

Elise putters around the kitchen making sure breakfast is ready, and
coffee is available. The smell of warm eggs, sausage, bacon, and my favorite
French roast fills the air.  Her uniform is starched and expertly
pressed.  Her soft grey hair is pulled tightly into a bun, not a hair out
of place, the very vision of the efficient housekeeper. 

Her soft, withered face breaks into a smile as she glances up, but her
smile doesn’t quite reach her soulful, green eyes.   One look at her
sad eyes makes it painfully obvious she has been informed of my departure.
  “Good morning, Amber.  May I get you some eggs?  Or
better yet, I could make those waffles you like so much.”

“No, thank you, Elise.  Have you seen my mother?” 

“I’m sorry, Amber, but she left about an hour ago for her office. 
She had an early morning breakfast meeting.”

“She left…without saying goodbye?”  Sighing, I shake my head. 
“She couldn’t even take a moment to say bye to me.”

“Would you like me to try her at the office?”  Elise offers.

“That’s all right….I doubt it would make a difference.  I take it
she told you I’m leaving this morning for another school.” 

“Yes, she told me you were going to Texas.  I am to pack up your
room and have your things sent to the college in Austin.   Is there
anything special I can send along with your things?” 

“No….that won’t be necessary.  Everything I want I can fit in my
bags.  Don’t bother to send the clothes and all the other stuff.”  I
smile lovingly and squeeze her hand.  “You always do so much for me. 
Do I tell you thank you enough Elise?”

“No thanks necessary, sweetie.  I love taking care of you.”

 The tears pool as I focus on my feet.   “Elise, why does
she hate me?  I’ve tried to be what she wanted me to be.  I really
did.”  I whisper, “It never seems to be enough.”

Elise rounds the kitchen island, taking me in her comforting arms,
enveloping me in a big bear hug.  “Oh, Amber…it’ll be all right.” 
Rubbing my back softly, she hugs me.  She pulls back to look lovingly into
my eyes.  “Your mother, well…she does the best she can.  I know she
loves you.  She just doesn’t express it well.”  Her hands rub up and
down my arms as she smiles half-heartedly.  As I look into her kind face,
I can see even she doesn’t believe her own words.

“Right,” I say as a big fat tear rolls down my check.

Elise raises my chin, peering into my eyes.  “Now, chin up. 
Take this opportunity, and embrace it.  You need to leave all of that
horrific ugliness behind.  If you stay here, well, I worry you’ll never
move on.”  She hugs me harder, stroking my hair with her hand. 
  

I hug her back, thanking God once again that I had her growing up. 
Relaxing into her arms, I breathe in her scent of clean laundry, baby powder,
and flowers.  It is the scent that reminds me of home, of the woman I
always wished were my mother.   This sweet, gentle soul who I loved
with all my heart.

Sniffing softly, she turns and says, “Look at the time.  You better
get upstairs.  Arthur will be in at seven sharp to drive you to the
airport.  You know how he is about staying on schedule.”  Her face
beams, as tears rim her eyes.  “You are going to do great!  Study
hard and stay out of trouble, and you’ll do fine.  Now, you better get
going, little one.” 

The nickname she gave me so long ago brings a soft smile to my
face.  I remember when I had first met this incredible woman who gave that
special name to a frightened, shy, four-year-old girl she had only just
met.  I put my arms around her shoulders and squeeze.  She pats my
hand and turns to wipe the counter, brushing away a tear.

I hug her tightly.  “Thanks, Elise.  I love you…so much. 
I’ll miss you.  I’ll call you once I get settled in.”  I walk out of
the kitchen and climb the stairs, trying to be hopeful that this can be a new
beginning for me.

 “Ms. Turner, we’re landing soon.  You asked me to wake you
when we started our descent.”  Lisa spoke softly through the door. 
Lisa has been on staff for the last five years.  She was nice
enough...your typical flight attendant.  Tall, long legs, model good
looks….a real beauty queen.  She’s friendly but discreet, knowledgeable in
how to be available, but transparent when unneeded. 

“Thank you, Lisa.”  I rouse myself begrudgingly out of bed to meet
my Aunt Patty.  Checking my makeup and hair in the mirror, I stare at my
face with dread, my skin is pale and taunt from my fitful sleep.  My light
pink hair is holding up, it’s short and spiked into a punk style.  As I
reapply my charcoal eyeliner, my stone cold blue eyes gaze back, hardened since
leaving Illinois.

I don’t know why I expected anything to change.  Now that the
campaign is over, she doesn’t need me.  From what she said last night,
apparently that was the plan all along.  Serves me right for thinking
anything would change.

Padding to my seat, I sit down and buckle in.  Lisa glides to my
seat, asking if I require anything.  Ordering juice, I settle back for our
landing and grimace at the idea of spending the rest of the day with my aunt
with her “Suzy Sunshine” routine.  It wears thin after a while. 

With the bump of the landing gear, I survey the Ohio airfield.  The
sun is bright, and the sky is clear.  It’s the usual concrete and
grass. 

Pulling up to the tarmac, Lisa opens the cabin door, and the stairs
descend.  I glance over the airfield as my aunt walks out of the terminal
toward the plane. 

Pulling her suitcase behind her, she is dressed in jeans and old
Nikes.  Her hair is tied into a ponytail, golden blond and bouncy...so
different from my mother’s ashy white blond hair.  It’s hard to believe
they are even sisters.  Her George Strait t-shirt from his last concert is
old and frayed.  Her jeans flare over her pair of running shoes, worn with
age.  I chuckle at the glaring second difference…my mother would never be
caught dead in that outfit.

“Hi Sweetie!”  My Aunt Patty hugs me as she enters the plane. 

“Hi Aunt Patty.  How are you?” I say flatly.  I remain in my
seat, swiveling it to pat her hand as she hugs me tightly.  She takes the
seat opposite me, lowering into it gracefully
.  Same old Patty.
Despite any changes to her financial situation, you can always see the hint of
the debutant underneath.   

Lisa asks, “Ms. Kennedy, can I get you a beverage?”

“I’ll take a glass of Chardonnay.”  She orders crisply, with a
bright smile.  “Thank you, Lisa.”  Her beauty hasn’t faded over the
years.  Unlike my mother, she hasn’t pumped her face full of poisons and
fillers in an attempt to deter Father Time.  Aunt Patty manages to retain
her fresh-faced, California girl looks even though she is the older
sibling.  Looking at her tan, lightly freckled face, you would never guess
that she is only two years older than my mother.  She looks more like
she’s five years younger.

Turning to me, she leans forward to grab my hand.  “How are you,
honey?”  Her hand softy strokes my fingers.  I pull my hand away and
reach for my glass of juice.  I refuse to go down that road…not again.

“I’m fine,” I say, giving her a passing glance, “I think I’m going to nap
for a bit.  I was up at the crack of dawn this morning.”  Without
waiting for a reply, my hands grip the arms of the leather seat as I stand up
abruptly. 

I have no desire to chat it up for the next two hours. 
No way.
  Not knowing whether everything I say will be reported back to my
mother.  No fucking way.
   Rising to move to the cabin
bedroom, I walk to the back of the plane.

She sighs and murmurs, “Of course.  Don’t let me keep you. 
Sleep well.” 

Lying down on the bed, my mind is racing.  Did she really expect me
to talk to her?  After what she did?  My aunt sure has some
moxie.   Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me. 

I was close to my aunt throughout high school.  Last year, my mother
told me they were “helping her out.”  With my mother, there was no
generosity…only business transactions.  Tit for tat, that’s the way she
viewed all situations.  Ever the politician.  If my aunt needed the
money, she would give it to her, but only in exchange for something in return.
 Turns out, it was information she wanted in return.  Mother wanted
to know more about “this Angela person,” and my aunt gleefully spilled her
guts.

My body flips in restless agitation trying to find a place in the bed to
relax.  Punching the pillow, I pull, tug, and wrestle with the covers
before I finally settle my body.  My head sinks into the cool, plush
pillow, relaxing my tired neck and shoulders.  Easing the tension of
yesterday from my limbs, I finally drift off.

***

The roar of our descent, and Lisa’s knock at the door announce our
arrival, wake me from my all-too-short nap. 

Raising myself up from the cabin bed, the fog of the deep sleep weighs me
down.  My dreams over the last few hours are filled with dark chocolate
eyes, a hand slipping away, my mother’s angry face, and waves of swirling
darkness.  The sounds of crashing glass, gunshots, sirens, and someone
crying.  But, it’s the crimson that always forces me awake.  A chill
hits my back as I remember the red.  An unholy shade, pooled and
thick.  Afterwards, it’s always the same.  Like splashing into an ice
cold pool of water, the sadness and loss envelopes me.

 “Lisa, can you get me some Advil and a glass of OJ?”  I grunt
through the door.  My head feels like a vice has been administered to
successfully break my skull wide open.  Rubbing my eyes, I massage my
temples to try to lessen the pain.  Standing, I smooth my shirt out but
it’s pointless.  I am a wrinkled mess.  Staring into the mirror, I
grimace at my reflection.  The bags are irrefutable. 
I hate it
when she’s right.
My eyes have huge dark circles under them.

Opening the door to the cabin, I take my seat.  Lisa places a glass
of juice and some Advil on my side table.  Fastening my seatbelt, I nod to
my aunt with a tight-lipped smile. 

Aunt Patty gives me an awkward smile.  She absently fidgets in her
chair as she tries to get me to talk.  “Your mother wants us to head over
to the school after we land.  She has a car meeting us outside the
terminal.  Are you hungry?”  Her appraising eyes glide over me,
probably rummaging for information, a hint of warmth…even a tiny bit of
civility. 
Denied
.

 “No, thank you,” I say with a vexed look.  “I’m fine. 
Let’s get on with this, ok?”  My lip contorts into a snide grimace. 
Lisa refills my juice discreetly and walks out of earshot.

 The thump of the landing gear descending jolts me into my
realization that we have arrived in Austin.  Fucking Austin, Texas. 
Not New York…or even Boston…hell, I’d even take Houston.  No, it’s Austin,
Texas, my new Hell on Earth.  
Redneck Paradise…the land of big
hair…Yee-fucking-haw
.  As I pull up the shade and glance out the tiny
window, the punishing sunbeams blind me momentarily.  The tarmac is like
any other, barren and desolate.

As I descend the stairs, the warm air hits my face, shocking my
system.  My heavy jacket instantly heats my body in the sixty degree
weather.  The bright sun warms my face and the jolt of the hot temperature
surprises me.  Had I been given more notice, hell any notice about where I
was going, maybe I would have worn something lighter instead of stepping off
the plane and immediately sweating like a pig. 
Thanks so much, Mother
Dear. 
I yank the jacket off with a huff. 

A car is waiting in the distance to take me to my new school. 
Watching the driver, I note he’s younger than most of the drivers we’ve
had.  As we move closer to the car, it’s hard not to notice his impressive
build and boyish face. 
Cute
.  Cloaked in my shades, my eyes
run undetected over his frame, checking him out.  He’s about six foot,
maybe six two. 
Nice
.  His dark hair curls below his cap,
grazing his collar.  He has a chiseled rugged face, but the dimples in his
cheeks soften his features.  His eyes are covered with shades too, but his
smile flashes brilliant white as we approach.
Totally hot
.

“Yum – my,” my aunt murmurs, calling my attention back to her presence
and away from the man only two notches down from a Greek god.  I realize
my mouth has dropped open.       

“Welcome to Austin, Ms. Turner, Ms. Kennedy.” He introduces
himself.   “I’m Tommy.  I’ll be driving y’all to the
college.”  His grin is relaxed and easy, contradicting his formal
chauffeur’s uniform with the crisp, heavily-starched, white shirt.

Aunt Patty practically swoons as she says, “Thank you.”  My head
pops toward her in dismay. 
That’s just gross.  She’s twice his
age.

He gallantly opens the door of the Towne car, and we climb in.
 Hesitating as he closes the door, his eyes drop as he stares for a
moment.  Glancing at him, I follow his gaze to my motorcycle boots. 
As I look back at his face, I notice his hand brushing over his lips in a vain
attempt to hide a boyish grin.  I smile up at him as he softly closes the
car door.

As he climbs into the driver’s seat, he turns asking, “Would you prefer
to go to your hotel first or go straight to Texas College, Ms. Kennedy?”

“My hotel, please….Thank you, Tommy.”  Her words hold a lilt of a
purr. 
My God, how embarrassing!

The ride from the airport seems endless but at least the road is trimmed
in grass.  The green is a definite departure from Chi-town. 
Everything is brown this time of year in Chicago.  I’m struck by the fact
that once again, I am trapped in the middle of nowhere.  Nowhere USA…but
not just nowhere…this is nowhere with cattle. 
Yeah me
.  I
sink back in the seat resigned to be completely miserable. 

As we make our way down the highway, it opens up to a tree-lined road
with rolling hills of lush green spattered with inviting blue flowers. 
The flowers are everywhere.  It’s not at all what I expected. 
Wow,
it’s beautiful. Where are the ranches, the cattle?  Hell, I don’t even see
a horse.

Once we enter the city, we pass over lakes, clear blue surrounded by
trees and a spattering of palatal homes.  As we drive to downtown, the
city is filled with tall buildings of white stone, shiny glass towers, and old
historical buildings, all unique.  The skyline is tall and
impressive.  As we drive through the city, there’s a river or lake in the
center of it.  It’s quite striking.  People walk and run on the
jogging trails, kayaking down the lake, enjoying the sunshine, all in the
middle of a downtown metropolis.  The low sound of children playing and
people talking as they go about enjoying the lake drift through the air.
  

Interrupting the silence, Aunt Patty asks, “So what do you think of
Austin?  It’s stunning, don’t you think?”  Her face alights with a
nudging expectation.  Her inner cheerleader has clearly come out to do her
bit.

“Sure,” I mutter, unwilling to make this a happy experience for her when
it is clearly another opportunity to ship me off to yet another school, and she
helped them do it.  Turning back to the window, I continue to ignore her
attempt at mindless conversation.

Undeterred she continues, pulling out her materials from the school, “
The school takes some scholarship students, but only a
few.  It’s very expensive and quite exclusive.  Austin is
a
college town, only about eight hundred thousand people. 
Maybe Tommy can elaborate.  Tommy, what’s it like to
live here?”  My Aunt asks smiling, blinking her eyes at the driver. 
My
God!  I think she bat her eyelashes at him.
  I want to crawl
under the seat.

“That sounds about right, Ma’am.”  Tommy
confirms.  “Downtown is fun, sixth street has some great music.  Lots
of good restaurants.  That’s not all there is to the town though.  We
have quite a few lakes, and some springs.  Skiing and boating on the lakes. 
Trails for motorcross and riding are everywhere, if you like that sort of
thing.”  His lips curve into a knowing grin.  “But I like it.  I
grew up here.  There’s a quiet gentleness to the outskirts of town,
especially on the lake, surprises most folks.”  He shrugs.

“How long have you been a chauffeur?”  My
aunt asks.

“Just helpin’ out, really.”  His crooked
smile seems almost mischievous.  “I’m a musician by trade.  My dad
has a ranch outside of town.  He fell and broke his hip, and I’ve been
helping him out until he gets back on his feet.  After that, I’ll be
heading back to Nashville.”

“A musician?  Really?”  My aunt says,
nudging my arm.  “What instruments do you play?” 

I shoot her a dagger stare in hopes she’ll
stop. 
What is she doing?
  She glances at me, oblivious. 
The smile lilts across her lips.

“I play guitar, and I sing.  I’ve been in
Nashville for about three years, mostly playing local bars, some studio and
demo work.  Since I’ve been back in Austin, I’ve been working at the ranch
during the day and playing at night here and there.”

“Impressive.  With all of that, how do you
find time to be a driver as well?”  She asks, her smile beaming too
brightly.

“Aunt Patty, seriously?  Don’t you think
you have grilled him enough?”  I am so embarrassed.  I shoot a
scalding look her way.

“Oh, it’s no problem, Ms. Turner.” He adds,
“Talking makes the time pass faster, don’t ya think?”  He grins at me
broadly, his eyes crinkling at the corners behind his shades.  “Ms.
Chadwick is a family friend, and she asked me to help her out over the next few
days after she lost her old driver.  I couldn’t say no…damsel in distress
and all.”