Authors: John Naish
Put What Where? (8 page)
Don’t Fancy Yours Much: Rough Sex Partners
Beware dishevelled hair
Fang Nei Chi
(
Records of the Bedchamber
), Sui Dynasty (
AD
590–618)
Dishevelled hair and coarse face, elongated neck and a protruding Adam’s apple, irregular teeth and manly voice, a large mouth and long nose, eyes which are bloodshot or yellowish, long hairs on upper lip or cheeks resembling whiskers, large and protruding bones, yellowish hair and little flesh and long and stiff pubic hairs. Such women are harmful to the man. Sexual intercourse with these will rob a man of his health and vigour.
Thin hair’s bad, too
Nicholas Venette,
The Mysteries of Conjugal Love Reveald
(1703)
A woman of cold constitution has great and flabby breasts, is very thin of hair about the privy parts, which are placed so low and near the anus that man always finds a difficulty in entering her body. She is childish in disposition, timorous in speech, easy in belief and happy in a gentle temper. She is pious and pitiful of another’s misery.
Take it for granted that a woman of this condition is never provoked to copulation by lascivious wishes and desires. She rather suffers the embraces of a man than likes them and, having little enjoyment
herself, gives little pleasure to the person lying with her. Her perspiration is rank. She is more inclined to be fat than lean, is pale and easy to be impregnant.
And as for woolly hair ...
Perfumed Garden
of Sheik Nefzaoui (16th century), translated into English by Sir Richard F. Burton
The woman who merits the contempt of the men is ugly and garrulous; her hair is woolly, her forehead projecting, her eyes are small and blear, her nose enormous, the lips lead-colored, the mouth large, the cheeks wrinkled and she shows gaps in her teeth.
Her cheekbones shine purple, and she sports bristles on her chin, her head sits on a meager neck, with overdeveloped tendons; her shoulders are contracted and her chest is narrow, with flabby pendulous breasts, and her belly is like an empty leather-bottle, with the navel standing out like a heap of stones; her flanks are shaped like arcades; the bones of her spinal column may be counted; there is no flesh upon her croup; her vulva is large and cold, and exhales an odor of carrion; it is hairless, pale and wet, with a long hard, greasy clitoris projecting out of it. Finally, such a woman has large knees and feet, big hands and emaciated legs. A woman with such blemishes can give no pleasure to men in general, and least of all to him who is her husband or who enjoys her favors.
The man who approaches a woman Like that with his member in erection will find it presently soft and relaxed, as though he was only close to a beast of burden. May God keep us from a woman of that description.
Banned women: leave that aunt alone
Old Testament, Leviticus
, chapter 18
Mother
Father’s wife
Maternal and/or paternal sister, from the household or outside
Son’s or daughter’s daughter
Paternal aunt
Maternal aunt
Uncle’s wife
Daughter-in-law
Brother’s wife
Bad twosomes: woman and her daughter; woman and her sister
If they smell, steer clear
Kama Sutra
of Vatsyayana (3rd century), translated by Sir Richard F. Burton and F.F. Arbuthnot (1883)
Lepers
Lunatics
Women who can’t keep secrets
Those who publicly express desire for sex
Women who are extremely white
Women who are extremely black
Bad-smelling women
Near relations
Female friends
Women who lead the life of an ascetic
Wives of relations, friends, of learned Brahmans, and of the king
Never marry these women
Koka Shastra
(
The Scripture of Koka
), by the Indian poet Kokkoka (12th century)
Red-heads
Any girt named after a mountain, a tree, a river or a bird
Ones with rough hands or feet
Ones who sigh, Laugh or cry at meals
Any girl with inverted nipples, beards, uneven breasts, flap ears, spindle legs or who is scrawny
Girls whose big toes are disproportionately small
Girls who make the ground shake when they walk past
And women a wife should shun
Whores, witches, begging nuns, women who hang round with actors, and sellers of herbs or potions
DRYSDALE’S REVOLUTIONARY DREAM
If you wished to play the rebel in mid-Victorian Britain, one safe strategy was to publish a radical sex guide.
George Drysdale published his while he was a medical student at Edinburgh University in 1854. He rather spoilt the anarchic effect by publishing it anonymously because, it transpired, he did not want to upset his mum. He also failed to rake in any profits from his sex manual. Carlile’s book had set him up for life, but Drysdale’s actually cost him money. He had a private income and decided that he could afford to sell it relatively cheaply – at two shillings and six – to the sort of readership he wanted to reach.
The book,
Elements of Social Science: physical, sexual and natural religion
, thudded in at 400 closely printed, densely written pages. This was no bedside book. Its ideas were similar to Carlile’s, but much more extreme. In spite of its heavy physical and intellectual weight, the book sold more than 90,000 copies within 50 years. Perhaps it made a cost-effective doorstop. Drysdale called on men and women alike to meet their natural duty to ‘exercise
duly their sexual organs’. In his ‘law of exercise’, Drysdale argued that sex was a sacred panacea, while abstinence could cause untold physical and mental damage. He added that, ‘Ignorance of the necessity for sexual intercourse to the health and virtue of both man and woman is the most fundamental error in medical and moral philosophy’. He was the first doctor in England to write in defence of contraception, at a time when
The Lancet
condemned it as a practice that reduced sex to a transaction where women acted as prostitutes and men were mere masturbators.
He also called for a world of free love, questioning why people should be bound together for life just because they’d got the hots for each other. If it sounds like the pot-addled sermon of a Sixties swinger, then bear in mind that Drysdale also entertained some rather dodgy and mixed-up theories. Prostitution should be banned and married couples should be careful not to overindulge in sex, he argued. And while on the one hand, he said that juveniles should practise sexual intercourse, on the other, self-sex was completely out.
It’s a sad irony that Drysdale’s entire approach was so heavily biased against Onanism. Fear of it had driven him to the brink of a suicidal breakdown as a young man, and his book served ultimately to refine this paranoia and then sell it on to others at a bargain price. The young Drysdale had become convinced that his health was imperilled by spermatorrhoea – excessive and debilitating loss of sperm through wet dreams and masturbation. The historian
Michael Bush suggests that Drysdale used his own life story in his book, in the case study of a young man who, unable to curtail his masturbatory impulses, falls into despair. In search of a cure, he takes long walking holidays across Europe. In desperation, he has his genitals cauterized. Eventually he finds salvation in the simple prescription of regular sexual intercourse. Drysdale’s book may well have been more an evangelistic autobiography than a revolutionary tract.
How to Do Foreplay
Not until you’re married
Newnes,
Manual of Marriage
(1964)
It can be said with confidence that any pre-marital manipulation of the genital organs is overstepping the mark, and these might well be thought to include the breasts.
Haste makes waste
Harland Long, MD,
Sane Sex Life and Sane Sex Living
(1919)
Regarding the first part of the act, let it be said that here, above all the situations in the world, ‘haste makes waste’. Put that down as the most fundamental fact in the whole affair! Right here is where ninety-nine one-hundredths of all the troubles of married life begin!
Treat her like basil
Perfumed Garden
of Sheik Nefzaoui (16th century), translated into English by Sir Richard F. Burton
Woman is like a fruit, which will not yield its sweetness until you rub it between your hands. Look at the basil plant; if you do not rub it warm with your fingers it will not emit any scent. Do you not know that the amber, unless it be handled and warmed, keeps hidden within its pores the aroma contained in it?
It is the same with woman. If you do not animate her with your toying, intermixed with kissing, nibbling and touching, you will not obtain from her what you are wishing; you will feel no enjoyment when you share her couch, and you will waken in her heart neither inclination nor affection, nor love for you; all her qualities will remain hidden.
Thirteen steps from wrists to riding
Mawangdui medical manuscripts (200–300
BC
)
Clasp her hands and move your palms up the outside of her wrists
Stroke the elbows
Move up the underarms
Then work on the chest, between neck and breasts
Go to the abdomen
Stroke the pelvic region
Mount her at the waist
Observe her genitalia
Stroke her navel
Move your hands downwards
Skim her pubic mound
Penetrate her
And ride ...
Woo – and win
Marie Stopes,
Married Love
(1918)
A man does not woo and win woman once and for all when he marries her: he must woo her before every separate act of coitus.
Sing together (gesticulations optional)
Kama Sutra
of Vatsyayana (3rd century), translated by Sir Richard F. Burton and F.F. Arbuthnot (1883)
In the pleasure-room, decorated with flowers, and fragrant with perfumes, attended by his friends and servants, the citizen should receive the woman, who will come bathed and dressed, and will invite her to take refreshment and to drink freely.
He should then seat her on his left side, and holding her hair, and touching also the end and knot of her garment, he should gently embrace her with his right arm. They should then carry on an amusing conversation on various subjects, and may also talk suggestively of things which would be considered as coarse, or not to be mentioned generally in society.
They may then sing, either with or without gesticulations, and play on musical instruments, talk about the arts, and persuade each other to drink. At last when the woman is overcome with love and desire, the citizen should dismiss the people that may be with him, giving them flowers, ointments, and betel leaves, and then when the two are left alone, they should proceed.
Wear slippers
Giovanni Sinibaldi,
Rare Verities, the Cabinet of Venus Unlock’d
(1658)
Cold feet are a powerful hindrance to coition – couples should wear soft, noiseless slippers.
Thirty days of foreplay – or seventy if she’s dark
Sad Smara
(
Six Stages of Love
) (Bali, 19th century)
Stage one
: use love talk on the woman you desire. Be careful to use beautiful language to evoke her desire.
Stage two
: watch her closely and memorize her features. Use these for attraction magic in which you mentally call her to accompany you in all activities. If you are totally focused, the woman will come to you directly.
Stage three
: this is a strict regime of touching her body, according to the stage of the moon, in order to arouse her. From the first to the fifteenth days of the waxing moon, start at her feet and move up the right side of her body to her head, touching in turn the big toe, sole, heel, ankle, calf, knee, thigh, hip, genitals, navel, breast, chin, lips, eyes and forehead. Once the moon begins to wane, reverse this list, moving down her left side. If you always touch the correct body part, accompanied by flattery and sweet talk, she will be aroused with an insatiable desire for you.
Stage four
: your yogic meditation should attract your beloved emotionally and physically, through thought-transfer. The number of days you must meditate depends on the colour of her skin. If she is pale, it takes three days. Medium-toned women take seven days and nights. Dark take forty nights and days. Avoid sexual contact with other women. If the yoga is successful, you will be able to visualize yourself having sex with her on a particular day, at which point she will either come to you or, if she can’t, weep unrelentingly.
Stage five
: this requires you to be skilled and respectful in sexual relations, satisfying the woman as if she is hungry and must be given food, but with neither too much nor too little. The acts used to sexually arouse a woman are called boxing, squirrel eats a nut, frog climbs a banana tree and thrusting pig
(sadly, these are not described, but you can guess).
Stage six
: do it all over again.
Five steps to heaven: the tao of dalliance
Mawangdui medical manuscripts (200–300
BC
)
The essential task in the pleasures of play is to be slow and prolonged. If only he can be slow and prolonged the woman then is greatly pleased. She treats him with the closeness she feels for her brothers, and loves him like her father and mother. One who has mastered this tao deserves to be called a heavenly gentleman ...
First
, when her chi rises and her face becomes flushed, slowly exhale
Second
, when her nipples become hard and her nose perspires slowly embrace her
Third
, when her tongue slowly spreads and becomes lubricious, slowly press her
Fourth
, when secretions appear below and her thighs are damp, slowly take hold of her
Fifth
, when her throat is dry and she swallows saliva, slowly agitate her
Keep working at it
Dr Walter Robie,
Sex and Life
(1916)
No woman is so glacial that she will not respond to the tactful insistence of the right man ... The husband should not rest easy, nor should the wife allow him to, until they have discovered the methods and positions which give her the greatest pleasure and completest orgasm.
