Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (13 page)
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Authors: George Bernard Shaw
BOOK: Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series)
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All four look as if they had been having a good deal of fun in the drawingroom. The girls enter first, leaving the swains outside. SARAH comes to the settee. BARBARA comes in after her and stops at the door.
BARBARA Are Cholly and Dolly to come in?
LADY BRITOMART [
forcibly
] Barbara: I will not have Charles called Cholly: the vulgarity of it positively makes me ill.
forcibly
] Barbara: I will not have Charles called Cholly: the vulgarity of it positively makes me ill.
BARBARA It’s all right, mother. Cholly is quite correct nowadays. Are they to come in?
LADY BRITOMART Yes, if they will behave themselves.
BARBARA
[through the door]
Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself.
[through the door]
Come in, Dolly, and behave yourself.
BARBARA comes to her mother’s writing table. CUSINS enters smiling, and wanders towards LADY BRITOMART.
SARAH [
calling
] Come in, Cholly. [
LOMAX enters, controlling his features very imperfectly, and places himself vaguely between SARAH and BARBARA.
]
calling
] Come in, Cholly. [
LOMAX enters, controlling his features very imperfectly, and places himself vaguely between SARAH and BARBARA.
]
LADY BRITOMART [
peremptorily
] Sit down, all of you.
[They
sit. CUSINS
crosses
to the window
and
seats himself there. LOMAX takes
a
chair. BARBARA sits at the writing table
and
SARAH on the settee. ] I dont in the least know what you are laughing at, Adolphus. I am surprised at you, though I expected nothing better from Charles Lomax.
peremptorily
] Sit down, all of you.
[They
sit. CUSINS
crosses
to the window
and
seats himself there. LOMAX takes
a
chair. BARBARA sits at the writing table
and
SARAH on the settee. ] I dont in the least know what you are laughing at, Adolphus. I am surprised at you, though I expected nothing better from Charles Lomax.
CUSINS
[in a remarkably gentle voice]
Barbara has been trying to teach me the West Ham Salvation March.
[in a remarkably gentle voice]
Barbara has been trying to teach me the West Ham Salvation March.
LADY BRITOMART I see nothing to laugh at in that; nor should you if you are really converted.
CUSINS [
sweetly
] You were not present. It was really funny, I believe.
sweetly
] You were not present. It was really funny, I believe.
LOMAX Ripping.
LADY BRITOMART Be quiet, Charles. Now listen to me, children. Your father is coming here this evening. [
General stupefaction.
]
General stupefaction.
]
LOMAX
[remonstrating]
Oh I say!
[remonstrating]
Oh I say!
LADY BRITOMART You are not called on to say anything, Charles.
SARAH Are you serious, mother?
LADY BRITOMART Of course I am serious. It is on your account, Sarah, and also on Charles’s. [
Silence. CHARLES looks painfully unworthy.
] I hope you are not going to object, Barbara.
Silence. CHARLES looks painfully unworthy.
] I hope you are not going to object, Barbara.
BARBARA I! why should I? My father has a soul to be saved like anybody else. Hes quite welcome as far as I am concerned.
LOMAX [
still remonstrant]
But really, dont you know! Oh I say!
still remonstrant]
But really, dont you know! Oh I say!
LADY BRITOMART [
frigidly
] What do you wish to convey, Charles?
frigidly
] What do you wish to convey, Charles?
LOMAX Well, you must admit that this is a bit thick.
LADY BRITOMART
[turning with ominous suavity to CUSINS]
Adolphus: you are a professor of Greek. Can you translate Charles Lomax’s remarks into reputable English for us?
[turning with ominous suavity to CUSINS]
Adolphus: you are a professor of Greek. Can you translate Charles Lomax’s remarks into reputable English for us?
CUSINS [
cautiously
] If I may say so, Lady Brit, I think Charles has rather happily expressed what we all feel. Homer, speaking of Autolycus, uses the same phrase.
18
means a bit thick.
cautiously
] If I may say so, Lady Brit, I think Charles has rather happily expressed what we all feel. Homer, speaking of Autolycus, uses the same phrase.
18means a bit thick.
LOMAX [
handsomely
] Not that I mind, you know, if Sarah dont.
handsomely
] Not that I mind, you know, if Sarah dont.
LADY BRITOMART [
crushingly
] Thank you. Have I your permission, Adolphus, to invite my own husband to my own house?
crushingly
] Thank you. Have I your permission, Adolphus, to invite my own husband to my own house?
CUSINS [
gallantly
] You have my unhesitating support in everything you do.
gallantly
] You have my unhesitating support in everything you do.
LADY BRITOMART Sarah: have you nothing to say?
SARAH Do you mean that he is coming regularly to live here?
LADY BRITOMART Certainly not. The spare room is ready for him if he likes to stay for a day or two and see a little more of you; but there are limits.
SARAH Well, he cant eat us, I suppose.
I
dont mind.
I
dont mind.
LOMAX [
chuckling
] I wonder how the old man will take it.
chuckling
] I wonder how the old man will take it.
LADY BRITOMART Much as the old woman will, no doubt, Charles.
LOMAX [
abashed
] I didnt mean—at least—
abashed
] I didnt mean—at least—
LADY BRITOMART You didnt think, Charles. You never do; and the result is, you never mean anything. And now please attend to me, children. Your father will be quite a stranger to us.
LOMAX I suppose he hasnt seen Sarah since she was a little kid.
LADY BRITOMART Not since she was a little kid, Charles, as you express it with that elegance of diction and refinement of thought that seem never to desert you. Accordingly—er—
[impatiently]
Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. That comes of your provoking me to be sarcastic, Charles. Adolphus: will you kindly tell me where I was.
[impatiently]
Now I have forgotten what I was going to say. That comes of your provoking me to be sarcastic, Charles. Adolphus: will you kindly tell me where I was.
CUSINS [
sweetly
] You were saying that as Mr. Undershaft has not seen his children since they were babies, he will form his opinion of the way you have brought them up from their behavior to-night, and that therefore you wish us all to be particularly careful to conduct ourselves well, especially Charles.
sweetly
] You were saying that as Mr. Undershaft has not seen his children since they were babies, he will form his opinion of the way you have brought them up from their behavior to-night, and that therefore you wish us all to be particularly careful to conduct ourselves well, especially Charles.
LOMAX Look here: Lady Brit didnt say that.
LADY BRITOMART [
vehemently
] I did, Charles. Adolphus’s recollection is perfectly correct. It is most important that you should be good; and I do beg you for once not to pair off into opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaking to your father.
vehemently
] I did, Charles. Adolphus’s recollection is perfectly correct. It is most important that you should be good; and I do beg you for once not to pair off into opposite corners and giggle and whisper while I am speaking to your father.
BARBARA All right, mother. We’ll do you credit.
LADY BRITOMART Remember, Charles, that Sarah will want to feel proud of you instead of ashamed of you.
LOMAX Oh I say! theres nothing to be exactly proud of, dont you know.
LADY BRITOMART Well, try and look as if there was.
MORRISON, pale and dismayed, breaks into the room in unconcealed disorder.
MORRISON, pale and dismayed, breaks into the room in unconcealed disorder.
MORRISON Might I speak a word to you, my lady?
LADY BRITOMART Nonsense! Shew him up.
MORRISON Yes, my lady.
[He goes.
]
[He goes.
]
LOMAX Does Morrison know who it is?
LADY BRITOMART Of course. Morrison has always been with us.
LOMAX It must be a regular corker for him, dont you know.
LADY BRITOMART Is this a moment to get on my nerves, Charles, with your outrageous expressions?
LOMAX But this is something out of the ordinary, really—
MORRISON [
at the door]
The—er—Mr. Undershaft. [
He retreats in confusion.
]
at the door]
The—er—Mr. Undershaft. [
He retreats in confusion.
]
ANDREW UNDERSHAFT comes in. All rise. LADY BRITOMART meets him in the middle of the room behind the settee.
ANDREW is, on the surface, a stoutish, easygoins elderly man, with kindly patient manners, and an engaging simplicity of character. But he has a watchful, deliberate, waiting, listening face, and formidable reserves of power, both bodily and mental, in his capacious chest and long head. His gentleness is partly that of a strong man who has learnt by experience that his natural grip hurts ordinary people unless he handles them very carefully, and partly the mellowness of age and success. He is also a little shy in his present very delicate situation.
LADY BRITOMART Good evening, Andrew.
UNDERSHAFT How d‘ye do, my dear.
LADY BRITOMART You look a good deal older.
UNDERSHAFT [
apologetically
] I am somewhat older. [
With a touch of courtship.
] Time has stood still with you.
apologetically
] I am somewhat older. [
With a touch of courtship.
] Time has stood still with you.
LADY BRITOMART [
promptly
] Rubbish! This is your family.
promptly
] Rubbish! This is your family.
UNDERSHAFT
[surprised]
Is it so large? I am sorry to say my memory is failing very badly in some things.
[He offers his hand with paternal kindness to LOMAX.]
[surprised]
Is it so large? I am sorry to say my memory is failing very badly in some things.
[He offers his hand with paternal kindness to LOMAX.]
LOMAX [
jerkily shaking
his hand] Ahdedoo.
jerkily shaking
his hand] Ahdedoo.
UNDERSHAFT I can see you are my eldest. I am very glad to meet you again, my boy.
LOMAX [
remonstrating
] No but look here dont you know—[
Overcome.
] Oh I say!
remonstrating
] No but look here dont you know—[
Overcome.
] Oh I say!
LADY BRITOMART
[recovering from momentary speechlessness]
Andrew: do you mean to say that you dont remember how many children you have?
[recovering from momentary speechlessness]
Andrew: do you mean to say that you dont remember how many children you have?
UNDERSHAFT Well, I am afraid I—. They have grown so much—er. Am I making any ridiculous mistake? I may as well confess: I recollect only one son. But so many things have happened since, of course—er—
LADY BRITOMART [
decisively
] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of course you have only one son.
decisively
] Andrew: you are talking nonsense. Of course you have only one son.
UNDERSHAFT Perhaps you will be good enough to introduce me, my dear.
LADY BRITOMART That is Charles Lomax, who is engaged to Sarah.
UNDERSHAFT My dear sir, I beg your pardon.
LOMAX Notatall. Delighted, I assure you.
LADY BRITOMART This is Stephen.
UNDERSHAFT
[bowing]
Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Stephen. Then [
going
to CUSINS] you must be my son. [
Taking CUSINS’ hands in his.]
How are you, my young friend?
[To LADY BRITOMART.
He is very like you, my love.
[bowing]
Happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Stephen. Then [
going
to CUSINS] you must be my son. [
Taking CUSINS’ hands in his.]
How are you, my young friend?
[To LADY BRITOMART.
He is very like you, my love.
CUSINS You flatter me, Mr. Undershaft. My name is Cusins: engaged to Barbara. [
Very explicitly.]
That is Major Barbara Undershaft, of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This is Stephen Undershaft, your son.
Very explicitly.]
That is Major Barbara Undershaft, of the Salvation Army. That is Sarah, your second daughter. This is Stephen Undershaft, your son.
UNDERSHAFT My dear Stephen, I beg your pardon.
STEPHEN Not at all.
UNDERSHAFT Mr. Cusins: I am much indebted to you for explaining so precisely.
[Turning to SARAH.]
Barbara, my dear—
[Turning to SARAH.]
Barbara, my dear—
SARAH
[prompting him]
Sarah.
[prompting him]
Sarah.
UNDERSHAFT Sarah, of course.
[They shake hands. He goes over to BARBARA.
] Barbara—I am right this time, I hope.
[They shake hands. He goes over to BARBARA.
] Barbara—I am right this time, I hope.
BARBARA Quite right.
[They shake hands.]
[They shake hands.]
LADY BRITOMART
[resuming command]
Sit down, all of you. Sit down, Andrew.
[She comes forward and sits on the settee. CUSINS also brings his chair forward on her left. BARBARA and STEPHEN resume their seats. LOMAX gives his chair to SARAH and goes for another.
]
[resuming command]
Sit down, all of you. Sit down, Andrew.
[She comes forward and sits on the settee. CUSINS also brings his chair forward on her left. BARBARA and STEPHEN resume their seats. LOMAX gives his chair to SARAH and goes for another.
]
UNDERSHAFT Thank you, my love.
LOMAX
[conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the writing table and the settee, and offers it to UNDERSHAFT]
Takes you some time to find out exactly where you are, dont it?
[conversationally, as he brings a chair forward between the writing table and the settee, and offers it to UNDERSHAFT]
Takes you some time to find out exactly where you are, dont it?
UNDERSHAFT [
accepting the chair]
That is not what embarrasses me, Mr. Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father.
accepting the chair]
That is not what embarrasses me, Mr. Lomax. My difficulty is that if I play the part of a father, I shall produce the effect of an intrusive stranger; and if I play the part of a discreet stranger, I may appear a callous father.
LADY BRITOMART There is no need for you to play any part at all, Andrew. You had much better be sincere and natural. UNDERSHAFT [
submissively
] Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be best. [
Making himself comfortable.
] Well, here I am. Now what can I do for you all?
submissively
] Yes, my dear: I daresay that will be best. [
Making himself comfortable.
] Well, here I am. Now what can I do for you all?
LADY BRITOMART You need not do anything, Andrew. You are one of the family. You can sit with us and enjoy yourself.
LOMAX’s too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings.
LOMAX’s too long suppressed mirth explodes in agonized neighings.
LADY BRITOMART [
outraged
] Charles Lomax: if you can behave yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. LOMAX I’m awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon my soul!
[He sits on the settee between LADY BRITOMART and UNDERSHAFT, quite overcome.
]
outraged
] Charles Lomax: if you can behave yourself, behave yourself. If not, leave the room. LOMAX I’m awfully sorry, Lady Brit; but really, you know, upon my soul!
[He sits on the settee between LADY BRITOMART and UNDERSHAFT, quite overcome.
]
BARBARA Why dont you laugh if you want to, Cholly? It’s good for your inside.
LADY BRITOMART Barbara: you have had the education of a lady. Please let your father see that; and dont talk like a street girl.
UNDERSHAFT Never mind me, my dear. As you know, I am not a gentleman; and I was never educated.
LOMAX [
encouragingly
] Nobody’d know it, I assure you. You look all right, you know.
encouragingly
] Nobody’d know it, I assure you. You look all right, you know.
CUSINS Let me advise you to study Greek, Mr. Undershaft. Greek scholars are privileged men. Few of them know Greek; and none of them know anything else; but their position is unchallengeable. Other languages are the qualifications of waiters and commercial travellers: Greek is to a man of position what the hallmark is to silver.
BARBARA Dolly: dont be insincere. Cholly: fetch your concertina and play something for us.
LOMAX [
doubtfully to UNDERSHAFT
] Perhaps that sort of thing isnt in your line, eh?
doubtfully to UNDERSHAFT
] Perhaps that sort of thing isnt in your line, eh?
UNDERSHAFT I am particularly fond of music.
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