Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (17 page)

BARBARA Only your new friend.

BILL Wot new friend?

BARBARA The devil, Bill. When he gets round people they get miserable, just like you.

BILL
[with a heartbreaking attempt at devil-may-care cheerfulness]
I aint miserable.
[He sits down again, and stretches his legs in an attempt to seem indifferent.]

BARBARA Well, if youre happy, why dont you look happy, as we do?

BILL [
his legs curling back in spite of him]
I’m appy enough, I tell you. Why dont you lea me alown? Wot av I done to y o u? I aint smashed your face, av I?

BARBARA [
softly: wooing his soul]
It’s not me thats getting at you, Bill.

BILL Who else is it?

BARBARA Somebody that doesnt intend you to smash women’s faces, I suppose. Somebody or something that wants to make a man of you.

BILL
[blustering]
Make a man o m e! Aint I a man? eh? aint I a man? Who sez I’m not a man?

BARBARA Theres a man in you somewhere, I suppose. But why did he let you hit poor little Jenny Hill? That wasnt very manly of him, was it?

BILL
[tormented]
Av done with it, I tell you. Chack it. I’m sick of your Jenny III and er silly little face.

BARBARA Then why do you keep thinking about it? Why does it keep coming up against you in your mind?Youre not getting converted, are you?

BILL
[with conviction]
Not ME. Not likely. Not arf.
^bd

BARBARA Thats right, Bill. Hold out against it. Put out your strength. Dont lets get you cheap. Todger Fairmile said he wrestled for three nights against his Salvation harder than he ever wrestled with the Jap at the music hall. He gave in to the Jap when his arm was going to break. But he didnt give in to his salvation until his heart was going to break. Perhaps youll escape that. You havnt any heart, have you?

BILL Wot d‘ye mean? Wy aint I got a art the same as ennybody else?

BARBARA A man with a heart wouldnt have bashed poor little Jenny’s face, would he?

BILL
[almost crying]
Ow, will you lea me alown? Av I ever offered to meddle with y o u, that you come naggin and provowkin me lawk this?
[He writhes convulsively from his eyes to his toes.
]

BARBARA
[with a steady soothing hand on his arm and a gentle voice that never lets him go]
It’s your soul thats hurting you, Bill, and not me. Weve been through it all ourselves. Come with us, Bill.
[He looks wildly round.
] To brave manhood on earth and eternal glory in heaven.
[He is on the point of breaking down.]
Come.
[A drum is heard in the shelter; and BILL, with a gasp, escapes from the spell as BARBARA turns quickly. ADOLPHUS enters from the shelter with a big drum.
] Oh! there you are, Dolly. Let me introduce a new friend of mine, Mr. Bill Walker. This is my bloke, Bill: Mr. Cusins.
(CUSINS salutes with his drumstick.]

BILL Goin to marry im?

BARBARA Yes.

BILL
fervently]
Gord elp im! Gawd elp im!

BARBARA Why? Do you think he wont be happy with me?

BILL Ive only ad to stand it for a mornin: e’ll av to stand it for a lifetime.

CUSINS That is a frightful reflection, Mr. Walker. But I cant tear myself away from her.

BILL Well, I can.
[To BARBARA.]
Eah! do you know where I’m going to, and wot I’m goin to do?

BARBARA Yes: youre going to heaven; and youre coming back here before the week’s out to tell me so.

BILL You lie. I’m goin to Kennintahn, to spit in Todger Fairmile’s eye. I bashed Jenny Ill’s face; and now I’ll get me own face bashed and come back and shew it to er. E’ll it me ardern I it e r. Thatll make us square. [
To ADOLPHUS.
Is that fair or is it not?Youre a genlmn: you oughter know.

BARBARA Two black eyes wont make one white one, Bill.

BILL I didnt ast y o u. Cawnt you never keep your mahth shut? I ast the genlmn.

CUSINS
[reflectively]
Yes: I think youre right, Mr. Walker.Yes: I should do it. Its curious: its exactly what an ancient Greek would have done.

BARBARA But what good will it do?

CUSINS Well, it will give Mr. Fairmile some exercise; and it will satisfy Mr. Walker’s soul.

BILL Rot! there aint no sach a thing as a soul. Ah
^be
kin you tell wether Ive a soul or not? You never seen it.

BARBARA Ive seen it hurting you when you went against it.

BILL
[with compressed aggravation]
If you was my girl and took the word out o me mahth lawk thet, I’d give you suthink youd feel urtin, so I would.
[To ADOLPHUS.
You take my tip, mate. Stop er jawr; or youll die afore your time. [
With intense expression.]
Wore aht: thets wot youll be: wore aht.
[He goes away through the gate.
]

CUSINS
[looking after him]
I wonder!

BARBARA Dolly!
[Indignant, in her mother’s manner.]

CUSINS Yes, my dear, it’s very wearing to be in love with you. If it lasts, I quite think I shall die young.

BARBARA Should you mind?

CUSINS Not at all.
[He is suddenly softened, and kisses her over the drum, evidently not for the first time, as people cannot kiss over a big drum without practice. UNDERSHAFT coughs.
]

BARBARA It’s all right, papa, weve not forgotten you. Dolly: explain the place to papa: I havnt time.
[She goes busily into the shelter.
]

UNDERSHAFT I fancy you guess something of what is in my mind, Mr. Cusins.
[CUSINS flourishes his drumsticks as if in the act of beating a lively rataplan, but makes no sound.]
Exactly so. But suppose Barbara finds you out!

CUSINS You know, I do not admit that I am imposing on Barbara. I am quite genuinely interested in the views of the Salvation Army. The fact is, I am a sort of collector of religions; and the curious thing is that I find I can believe them all. By the way, have you any religion?

UNDERSHAFT Yes.

CUSINS Anything out of the common?

UNDERSHAFT Only that there are two things necessary to Salvation.

CLISINS
[disappointed, but polite]
Ah, the Church Catechism. Charles Lomax also belongs to the Established Church.

UNDERSHAFT The two things are—

CUSINS Baptism and—

UNDERSHAFT No. Money and gunpowder.

CUSINS
[surprised, but interested]
That is the general opinion of our governing classes. The novelty is in hearing any man confess it.

UNDERSHAFT Just so.

CUSINS Excuse me: is there any place in your religion for honor, justice, truth, love, mercy and so forth?

UNDERSHAFT Yes: they are the graces and luxuries of a rich, strong, and safe life.

CUSINS Suppose one is forced to choose between them and money or gunpowder?

UNDERSHAFT Choose money and gunpowder; for without enough of both you cannot afford the others.

CUSINS That is your religion?

UNDERSHAFT Yes.

CUSINS Barbara wont stand that. You will have to choose between your religion and Barbara.

UNDERSHAFT So will you, my friend . She will find out that that drum of yours is hollow.

CUSINS Father Under shaft : you are mistaken: I am a sincere Salvationist. You do not understand the Salvation Army. It is the army of joy, of love, of courage: it has banished the fear and remorse and despair of the old hell-ridden evangelical sects: it marches to fight the devil with trumpet and drum, with music and dancing, with banner and palm, as becomes a sally from heaven by its happy garrison. It picks the waster out of the public house and makes a man of him: it finds a worm wriggling in a back kitchen, and lo! a woman! Men and women of rank too, sons and daughters of the Highest. It takes the poor professor of Greek, the most artificial and self-suppressed of human creatures, from his meal of roots, and lets loose the rhapsodist in him; reveals the true worship of Dionysos
²²
to him; sends him down the public street drumming dithyrambs
[he plays a thundering flourish on the drum].

UNDERSHAFT You will alarm the shelter.

CUSINS Oh, they are accustomed to these sudden ecstasies of piety. However, if the drum worries you—
[he pockets the drumsticks; unhooks the drum; and stands it on the ground opposite the gateway
]
.

UNDERSHAFT Thank you.

CUSINS You remember what Euripides says about your money and gunpowder?

UNDERSHAFT No.

CUSINS
[declaiming]

My translation: what do you think of it?

UNDERSHAFT I think, my friend, that if you wish to know, as the long days go, that to live is happy, you must first acquire money enough for a decent life, and power enough to be your own master.

CUSINS You are damnably discouraging.
[He resumes his declamation.
]

UNDER SHAFT Euripides mentions Barbara, does he?

CUSINS It is a fair translation. The word means Loveliness.

UNDERSHAFT May I ask—as Barbara’s father—how much a year she is to be loved for ever on?

CUSINS As Barbara’s father, that is more your affair than mine. I can feed her by teaching Greek: that is about all.

UNDERSHAFT Do you consider it a good match for her?

CUSINS
[with polite obstinacy]
Mr. Undershaft: I am in many ways a weak, timid, ineffectual person; and my health is far from satisfactory. But whenever I feel that I must have anything, I get it, sooner or later. I feel that way about Barbara. I dont like marriage: I feel intensely afraid of it; and I dont know what I shall do with Barbara or what she will do with me. But I feel that I and nobody else must marry her. Please regard that as settled.—Not that I wish to be arbitrary; but why should I waste your time in discussing what is inevitable?

UNDERSHAFT You mean that you will stick at nothing: not even the conversion of the Salvation Army to the worship of Dionysos.

CUSINS The business of the Salvation Army is to save, not to wrangle about the name of the pathfinder. Dionysos or another : what does it matter?

UNDERSHAFT
[rising and approaching him]
Professor Cusins: you are a young man after my own heart.

CUSINS Mr. Under shaft : you are, as far as I am able to gather, a most infernal old rascal; but you appeal very strongly to my sense of ironic humor.

UNDERSHAFT
[suddenly concentrating himself]
And now to business.

CUSINS Pardon me. We were discussing religion. Why go back to such an uninteresting and unimportant subject as business?

UNDERSHAFT Religion is our business at present, because it is through religion alone that we can win Barbara.

CUSINS Have you, too, fallen in love with Barbara?

UNDERSHAFT Yes, with a father’s love.

CUSINS A father’s love for a grown-up daughter is the most dangerous of all infatuations. I apologize for mentioning my own pale, coy, mistrustful fancy in the same breath with it.

UNDERSHAFT Keep to the point. We have to win her; and we are neither of us Methodists.
^bf

CUSINS That doesnt matter. The power Barbara wields here—the power that wields Barbara herself—is not Calvinism, not Presbyterianism, not Methodism—

UNDERSHAFT Not Greek Paganism either, eh?

CUSINS I admit that. Barbara is quite original in her religion.

UNDERSHAFT
[triumphantly]
Aha! Barbara Undershaft would be. Her inspiration comes from within herself.

CUSINS How do you suppose it got there?

UNDERSHAFT
[in towering excitement]
It is the Undershaft inheritance. I shall hand on my torch to my daughter. She shall make my converts and preach my gospel—

CUSINS What! Money and gunpowder!

UNDERSHAFT Yes, money and gunpowder; freedom and power; command of life and command of death.

CUSINS
[urbanely: trying to bring him down to earth]
This is extremely interesting, Mr. Under shaft. Of course you know that you are mad.

UNDERSHAFT
[with redoubled force]
And you?

CUSINS Oh, mad as a hatter. You are welcome to my secret since I have discovered yours. But I am astonished. Can a madman make cannons?

UNDERSHAFT Would anyone else than a madman make them? And now
[with surging energy]
question for question. Can a sane man translate Euripides?

CUSINS No.

UNDERSHAFT
[seizing him by the shoulder]
Can a sane woman make a man of a waster or a woman of a worm?

CUSINS
[reeling before the storm]
Father Colossus—Mammoth Millionaire—