Pygmalion and Three Other Plays (Barnes & Noble Classics Series) (60 page)

HIGGINS
[very sulky]
You may take the whole damned houseful if you like. Except the jewels. Theyre hired. Will that satisfy you?
[He turns on his heel and is about to go in extreme dudgeon
]
.
^ho

LIZA [
drinking in his emotion like nectar, and nagging him to provoke a further supply]
Stop, please.
[She takes off her jewels].
Will you take these to your room and keep them safe? I dont want to run the risk of their being missing.

HIGGINS [
furious
] Hand them over.
[She puts them into his
hands].
If these belonged to me instead of to the jeweler, I’d ram them down your ungrateful throat.
[He perfunctorily thrusts them into his pockets, unconsciously decorating himself with the protruding ends of the chains
]
.

LIZA
[taking a ring off
] This ring isnt the jeweler’s: it’s the one you bought me in Brighton. I dont want it now.
[Higgins dashes the ring violently into the fireplace, and turns on her so threateningly that she crouches over the piano with her hands over her face, and exclaims]
Dont you hit me.

HIGGINS Hit you! You infamous creature, how dare you accuse me of such a thing? It is you who have hit me. You have wounded me to the heart.

LIZA
[thrilling with hidden joy]
I’m glad. Ive got a little of my own back, anyhow.

HIGGINS
[with dignity, in his finest professional style]
You have caused me to lose my temper: a thing that has hardly ever hap pend to me before. I prefer to say nothing more tonight. I am going to bed.

LIZA
[pertly]
Youd better leave a note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee; for she wont be told by me.

HIGGINS [
formally
] Damn Mrs. Pearce; and damn the coffee; and damn you; and damn my own folly in having lavished hard-earned knowledge and the treasure of my regard and intimacy on a heartless guttersnipe.
[He goes out with impressive decorum, and spoils it by slamming the door savagely
]
.

ACT V

THE PARLOR-MAID [
at the door
] Mr. Henry, mam, is downstairs with Colonel Pickering.

MRS. HIGGINS Well, shew them up.

THE PARLOR-MAID Theyre using the telephone, mam. Telephoning to the police, I think.

MRS. HIGGINS What!

THE PARLOR-MAID [
coming further in and lowering her voice
] Mr. Henry’s in a state, mam. I thought I’d better tell you.

MRS. HIGGINS If you had told me that Mr. Henry was not in a state it would have been more surprising. Tell them to come up when theyve finished with the police. I suppose hes lost something.

THE PARLOR-MAID Yes, mam
[going].

MRS. HIGGINS Go upstairs and tell Miss Doolittle that Mr. Henry and the Colonel are here. Ask her not to come down till I send for her.

THE PARLOR-MAID Yes, mam.

HIGGINS Look here, mother: heres a confounded thing!

MRS. HIGGINS Yes, dear. Good-morning.
[He checks his impatience and kisses her, whilst the parlor-maid goes out].
What is it?

HIGGINS Eliza’s bolted.
^hp

MRS. HIGGINS [
calmly continuing her writing]
You must have frightened her.

HIGGINS Frightened her! nonsense! She was left last night, as usual, to turn out the lights and all that; and instead of going to bed she changed her clothes and went right off: her bed wasnt slept in. She came in a cab for her things before seven this morning; and that fool Mrs. Pearce let her have them without telling me a word about it. What am I to do?

MRS. HIGGINS Do without, I’m afraid, Henry. The girl has a perfect right to leave if she chooses.

HIGGINS
[wandering distractedly across the room]
But I cant find anything. I dont know what appointments Ive got. I‘m—[
PICKERING comes in. MRS. HIGGINS puts down her pen and turns away from the writing-table
]
.

PICKERING
[shaking hands]
Good-morning, Mrs. Higgins. Has Henry told you?
[He sits down on the ottoman
].

HIGGINS What does that ass of an inspector say? Have you offered a reward?

MRS. HIGGINS [
rising in indignant amazement
] You dont mean to say you have set the police after Eliza?

HIGGINS Of course. What are the police for? What else could we do?
[He sits in the Elizabethan chair].

PICKERING The inspector made a lot of difficulties. I really think he suspected us of some improper purpose.

MRS. HIGGINS Well, of course he did. What right have you to go to the police and give the girl’s name as if she were a thief, or a lost umbrella, or something? Really!
[She sits down again, deeply vexed
]
.

HIGGINS But we want to find her.

PICKERING We cant let her go like this, you know, Mrs. Higgins. What were we to do?

MRS. HIGGINS You have no more sense, either of you, than two children. Why—

THE PARLOR-MAID Mr. Henry: a gentleman wants to see you very particular. Hes been sent on from Wimpole Street.

HIGGINS Oh, bother! I cant see anyone now. Who is it?

THE PARLOR-MAID A Mr. Doolittle, sir.

PICKERING Doolittle! Do you mean the dustman?

THE PARLOR-MAID Dustman! Oh no, sir: a gentleman.

HIGGINS
[springing up excitedly]
By George, Pick, it’s some relative of hers that shes gone to. Somebody we know nothing about.
[To the parlor-maid]
Send him up, quick.

THE PARLOR-MAID Yes, sir.
[She goes].

HIGGINS [
eagerly, going to his mother
] Genteel relatives! now we shall hear something.
[He sits down in the Chippendale chair].

MRS. HIGGINS Do you know any of her people?

PICKERING Only her father: the fellow we told you about.

THE PARLOR-MAID [
announcing
] Mr. Doolittle.
[She withdraws
]
.

DOOLITTLE [
indicating his own person
] See here! Do you see this?You done this.

HIGGINS Done what, man?

DOOLITTLE This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this hat. Look at this coat.

PICKERING Has Eliza been buying you clothes?

DOOLITTLE Eliza! not she. Not half. Why would she buy me clothes?

MRS. HIGGINS Good-morning, Mr. Doolittle. Wont you sit down?

DOOLITTLE [
taken aback as he becomes conscious that he has forgotten his hostess]
Asking your pardon, maam.
[He approaches
her
and shakes her proffered hand
]. Thank you.
[He sits down on the ottoman, on PICKERING’s right].
I am that full of what has happened to me that I cant think of anything else.

HIGGINS What the dickens has happened to you?

DOOLITTLE I shouldnt mind if it had only happened to me: anything might happen to anybody and nobody to blame but Providence, as you might say. But this is something that you done to me: yes, you, Henry Higgins.

HIGGINS Have you found Eliza? Thats the point.

DOOLITTLE Have you lost her?

HIGGINS Yes.

DOOLITTLE You have all the luck, you have. I aint found her; but she’ll find me quick enough now after what you done to me.

MRS. HIGGINS But what has my son done to you, Mr. Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE Done to me! Ruined me. Destroyed my happiness. Tied me up and delivered me into the hands of middle class morality.

HIGGINS [
rising intolerantly and standing over DOOLITTLE
] Youre raving. Youre drunk. Youre mad. I gave you five pounds. After that I had two conversations with you, at half-a-crown an hour. Ive never seen you since.

DOOLITTLE Oh! Drunk! am I? Mad! am I? Tell me this. Did you or did you not write a letter to an old blighter
^hq
in America that was giving five millions to found Moral Reform Societies all over the world, and that wanted you to invent a universal language for him?

HIGGINS What! Ezra D. Wannafeller!
^hr
Hes dead.
[He sits down again carelessly
]
.

DOOLITTLE Yes: hes dead; and I’m done for. Now did you or did you not write a letter to him to say that the most original moralist at present in England, to the best of your knowledge, was Alfred Doolittle, a common dustman.

HIGGINS Oh, after your last visit I remember making some silly joke of the kind.

DOOLITTLE Ah! you may well call it a silly joke. It put the lid on me right enough. Just give him the chance he wanted to shew that Americans is not like us: that they recognize and respect merit in every class of life, however humble. Them words is in his blooming will, in which, Henry Higgins, thanks to your silly joking, he leaves me a share in his Predigested Cheese Trust worth three thousand a year on condition that I lecture for his Wannafeller Moral Reform World League as often as they ask me up to six times a year.

HIGGINS The devil he does! Whew!
[Brightening suddenly
] What a lark!

PICKERING A safe thing for you, Doolittle. They wont ask you twice.

DOOLITTLE It aint the lecturing I mind. I’ll lecture them blue in the face, I will, and not turn a hair. It’s making a gentleman of me that I object to. Who asked him to make a gentleman of me? I was happy. I was free. I touched pretty nigh everybody for money when I wanted it, same as I touched you, Henry Higgins. Now I am worrited; tied neck and heels; and everybody touches me for money. It’s a fine thing for you, says my solicitor. Is it? says I. You mean it’s a good thing for you, I says. When I was a poor man and had a solicitor once when they found a pram in the dust cart, he got me off, and got shut of me and got me shut of him as quick as he could. Same with the doctors: used to shove me out of the hospital before I could hardly stand on my legs, and nothing to pay. Now they finds out that I’m not a healthy man and cant live unless they looks after me twice a day. In the house I’m not let do a hand’s turn for myself: somebody else must do it and touch me
^hs
for it. A year ago I hadnt a relative in the world except two or three that wouldnt speak to me. Now Ive fifty, and not a decent week’s wages among the lot of them. I have to live for others and not for myself: thats middle class morality. You talk of losing Eliza. Dont you be anxious: I bet shes on my doorstep by this: she that could support herself easy by selling flowers if I wasnt respectable. And the next one to touch me will be you, Henry Higgins. I’ll have to learn to speak middle class language from you, instead of speaking proper English. Thats where youll come in; and I daresay thats what you done it for.

MRS. HIGGINS But, my dear Mr. Doolittle, you need not suffer all this if you are really in earnest. Nobody can force you to accept this bequest. You can repudiate it. Isnt that so, Colonel Pickering?

PICKERING I believe so.

DOOLITTLE [
softening his manner in deference to her sex
] Thats the tragedy of it, maam. It’s easy to say chuck it; but I havent the nerve. Which of us has? We’re all intimidated. Intimidated, maam: thats what we are. What is there for me if I chuck it but the workhouse in my old age? I have to dye my hair already to keep my job as a dustman. If I was one of the deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I could chuck it; but then why should I, acause the deserving poor might as well be millionaires for all the happiness they ever has. They dont know what happiness is. But I, as one of the undeserving poor, have nothing between me and the pauper’s uniform but this here blasted three thousand a year that shoves me into the middle class. (Excuse the expression, maam: youd use it yourself if you had my provocation). Theyve got you every way you turn: it’s a choice between the Skilly of the workhouse and the Char Bydis of the middle class;
¹⁴
and I havnt the nerve for the workhouse. Intimidated: thats what I am. Broke. Bought up. Happier men than me will call for my dust, and touch me for their tip; and I’ll look on helpless, and envy them. And thats what your son has brought me to.
[He is overcome by emotion
].