Queen (Mistress & Master of Restraint) (82 page)

I don’t cry, scream, or plead. I want to, but I won’t allow him to have those emotions from me. I give him indifference. I prove my strength by looking at him with clear, tear-free eyes.

He just admitted to me that the five years he spent with me were against his will. It was against my will, too. But I thought it was only the influence of his father. I honestly believed that he wanted to leave with me, Whitt, and Niel and create a real family. I was wrong. Now I wonder if his attack was too perfect of timing. Hours before our new life was realized, he was killed and I was left on my own. I’ve seen Marc’s anguish and suffering over finding Grant dead. I don’t believe that Marc was involved with the ruse, but he said he was late. Maybe Grant thought his knight in shining armor would save him and it was almost too late.

“What do you propose for the here and now, and the future.” My voice is level and empty.

I want to talk to you, Regina. I meant what I’ve said, too. I like talking to you and we need to communicate for our children. That is our present. Whitt came to me today and we talked. If Whitt and you are able to capture Misery Castle I will come out of hiding. I want to be my children’s father. I want them to know me. I want to live the life I was meant to live…

Jamie needn’t say that that life doesn’t include me. I can tell by the cold way he gazes at me that he doesn’t see me as a friend, lover, or even an ally. He purely sees me as a co-parent.

I shore up my emotions. I don’t want to think about the fact that my first love, the man I’d spent five years with, the man I’ve given the world to and mourned for over a decade, the man I created two children with had never wanted me. I don’t know how he managed to touch me. Then again, his son managed and I know he doesn’t see me as desirable either. I don’t want to think about the truth because it makes me sick. It makes me feel like a worthless whore.

He clears his throat again because I’m looking at my fingers as I knot them together in frustration. I look up so that he can speak with me.

Whitt wasn’t pleased with me. It will take a long time to rebuild what I’ve demolished.

“That’s none of my business,” I murmur.

And it isn’t. If I’m to be only his co-parent then what he does with the rest of the people in his life is of little consequence to me. I notice that he isn’t trying to rebuild what he had with me. In fact he’s trying to incinerate any pieces left standing after he swiftly demolished it.

Jamie looks at me in shock because I don’t care what he does with Whitt.

“I want you both to have a relationship. I just don’t see why it would have anything to do with me, Jamie,” I say quietly because if I were to speak any louder my voice would betray my misery.

He looks at his hands and brutally bites his lip. I’d think it’s to stay the flow of words, except he speaks with his hands.

Will you allow me access to Ella?

“I want your children to know you. No matter what feelings there are between us I will never keep you away from your family. I hope you will show them the side of you I saw in snippets during our time together,” I breathe and look at my hands to hide my expression. I can’t maintain a normal voice any longer.

I look up when I sense movement. Jamie abruptly rises and strides to me. He pats my shoulder and flees the room.

I sit in stunned silence for a long time. In reality it’s maybe thirty seconds. I patiently walk through the living room and exit into the foyer near the main stairs and the front door. I’d never noticed the entryway from Jamie’s side to Roman’s side and I’ve stood here countless times. Ah… it’s a pocket door that resembles paneling.

I leave the Brownstone and don’t look back. I walk at a normal pace down the street and leave all the memories behind- but not the pain- never the pain. That is something that will forever shape our being.

I walk the three miles back to my home. I’d walked here to clear my head so that I could have a good conversation with Jamie. I hadn’t realized the downside to this stupid mistake until the mid-way point on my way back. Walking is cathartic. It clears the mind and allows for freer thought.

When my house comes into view those free thoughts coalesce into reality. The past fractures and reshapes into actuality. My time with Grant wasn’t a happy time where he and I’d stood shoulder-to-shoulder and fought the evil Whittenhower patriarch. The soft moments as we’d lain in bed were false. He was doing all he could to remain sane in the face of impossible choices. He
didn’t want to be by my side, or in front of me, or even behind me. He wanted nowhere near me. Grant was weak, and Daniel Whittenhower made him my victim.

I walk up the sidewalk to my front porch and I’m not the same Regina that left a few hours ago. That Regina was delusional. I now can look in the mirror and see myself for what I am…

I was bought and paid for, and did the job to perfection.

Regina Regal is no Queen. She is the Whittenhower Whore…

I enter my home in a numb haze. The beautiful tinkling of my daughter’s laugher does nothing to warm the cold that has spread throughout my soul.

My children are playing a game with their brother. Whitt looks up at me and his hand moves in my direction, but he freezes with it in the air.

I look to my husband, the man I made love to all night, and wonder of his motives. Does the true Whitt ache to touch me or was it purely out of reflex- how Grant used to touch me. I can no longer trust the motives of the people around me. They will lie- lie to me and themselves to reach their vision of a life.

I decide it was out of reflex. Why the hell would Whitt want to touch a dirty whore like me?

“I’m going to shower,” I say lightly. “The walk got me all sweaty,” I cheerfully tease and my kids make identical
eww
faces.

Whitt doesn’t buy it, so I smile as genuinely as I can and he finally relaxes.

I lock my bedroom door and then my bathroom door in preparation of an epic bawling fit that never manifests. I scrub myself clean and dress in a pair of leather pants and a blouse.
I call Marcus because I believe that the sound of his voice would thaw the chill that has spread inside me. It goes to voicemail and I breathe, “Marcus,” as my message. I wait a few minutes and when he doesn’t call back I go out and join my family.

Fate has cooked a meal for all of us- Whitt, Roman, Niel, Kris, Fate, Ella, and me. We sit around the table and chat and tease as if my world hadn’t just obliterated at my feet.

I embrace my son and breathe in his Niel-scent. He hugs me back and I can tell that he doesn’t want to let me go either. My children love their mother and that’s all that’s important.
I hug my husband just as tightly. If we’d been alone I may have kissed him- no, the old Regina would have. Whitt isn’t for me.

“Have fun with Kristal tonight,” I taunt him.

He can finally fuck the spitfire in the dungeon tonight. I can tell he’s nervous and it makes me chuckle. I’m not jealous because I want him to be happy and I can’t do that for him- I’m not enough. I’m not what he needs.

The brothers leave and soon Roman does as well. I tuck my daughter into bed and read her a story. Even at ten she loves it when we spend mommy/daughter time before bed. Kris soon departs to play bartender to the deviants.

I chat with Fate and still my cell hasn’t rang. After three hours I decide that it never will, just as I knew on my last day of training that Marcus was letting me go. I know I won’t hear from Marcus unless it absolutely necessary. I’m on my own again.

I start my tenure at Restraint tonight. In reality I’m a married mother of two who has two submissives and an ex back from the dead. And I used to be my Master’s partner. Now I enter a world where I’m the celibate lesbian.

Marcus said my lesbianism was because he feared Diane’s wrath would fall upon my household if she knew the truth. I believe the truth is that he knew no one would ever want me. It’s easier to keep me at arm’s length promising that someday in the future, whether a month or twenty years from now, that Marcus and I will be a couple. Marc and Jamie have more in common than friendship and a Master/submissive bond. They share the fact that I was just a choice they made because they were out of choices.

I leave the old Regina behind and enter Restraint as Queen. Not Queen of the Whittenhowers, but Queen of Restraint. I will do all I can for the members and the dungeon. That will be my purpose in life, whether they want the help or not.

Chapter Eighteen

I’d thought Ezra was batshit crazy before when he was Dr. Lunatic, but I had another thing coming. Ever since Katya Waters came to town he’s been all over the place emotionally. He will go from calm, to chaotic, to calm again, and round it out with fucking nuts in the same conversation. He’s a brand new recipe of crazy and he thinks I’m his bestest buddy. He’s kept his word and his hands to himself. I’ve had a hard time policing him where it comes to Katya. He brings a whole new level of stalker.

I’ve kept my mind off the men in my life by being Kimber and Dr. Jeannine. I wouldn’t allow Ezra to be either role, but he insists that he’s present when I pretend to be the psychiatrist.

I really like Katya. I’m rather fond of her Ice Queen, hard-assed attitude. She reminds me of a kinder, gentler, more naive version of myself. I’m just as excited as Ezra to meet her, but not insane from it.

He called me earlier squealing like a tween at a Bieber concert.
OMG! I talked to her face-to-face.
He screamed for a minute straight and it felt like my eardrums exploded from the piercing racket.
I affected her. I really did. She was completely taken with me!
I imagined him jumping up and down like a little bitch while screeching into his cellphone.

Currently, I am Queen, the Good Samaritan.

My children are thriving and Ella’s influence has drawn Niel closer to his cousins, Whitney and Prissy.

Kris is happier than I’ve ever seen. The sex addict has two lovers- Roman and Whitt. And she’s trying her damnedest to seduce Dalton for me.

Whitt walks around with a shit-eating grin spread across his face from sexual gratification. He’ll only have sex with Kris, but he’s getting more head than a porn star.

I have a handle on Ezra because I hold Katya hostage by being her online buddies. Cort is happier since Ezra is happier. The pair cuddle like kittens, but they don’t touch sexually-
it’s progress.

I still text Jamie every day at our allotted time. We speak nothing of the past and I won’t ever tell him the profound affect his confession had on me.

Marcus….
Sigh
…. I’m being the Good Samaritan to take my mind off of my missing Master. I never did get that phone call. It’s been over two months.

“Are you sure she’s coming tonight?” Ezra asks for the fiftieth time. He reminds me of Ella and Kris on a road trip.
Are we there yet?

“I promise she will be here tonight. Don’t you trust your efforts? Hell, we saw her get ready and leave her apartment. Switch over to the front door feed,” I suggest.

“She isn’t there,” he grumbles. “Are you sure,” he whines.

“I’ve had just about enough, Ezra,” I warn.

“You’ve been a bitch all week. What’s your malfunction? Do you need to get laid?” He teases not knowing it’s a shot to the heart.

“Yeah, because sex is the answer to every problem,” I say snidely.

“With you it usually is,” his gray eyes watch me knowingly.

“Well,
me and sex aren’t exactly friends at the moment,” I admit.

“Why?” His smooth voice pitches higher in shock.

“Because I’m me,” I stress and look at him like he’s an idiot.

Hell, I can’t even turn myself on enough to masturbate. The numeral books do nothing for me now that I know Jamie is the author. He never wanted me so how the hell can they get me in the mood. I’ve tried several times and all it does is make me feel lonelier. I wonder what Marcus thinks as he watches the live-feed into my bedroom of me reading as if from a text book. Who am I kidding? I bet he doesn’t even look at the feeds anymore.

“What do you mean?” He tries to touch my hand in comfort and I take a step back.

I’d liked the rapist version of Master Ez/Ezra better. He didn’t give a shit about me. I was a tool. The new and improved version has feelings and he wants to comfort me. Only problem with that is that it makes me feel pitiful.

“Don’t worry about it,” I mumble and walk behind him to look at the security feed of Restraint’s front door.

“Regina, something is bothering you. Tell me or I’ll ask my dad,” he threatens.

I laugh sadistically at that for a moment. “Go ahead; he’ll have no fucking clue.”

“Why not?”
He acts offended and I have no idea why.

“The last time I saw your dad you were sucking
the cum out of Cort’s dick. So yeah, don’t bother using that threat in the future- totally empty,” I drawl.