Queer and Loathing: Rants and Raves of a Raging AIDS Clone (9 page)

1. Avoid bleeding in public. Carry tissues with you at all time. Eschew handkerchiefs. In emergencies, a Kotex can come in handy. Hemophiliacs should consider carrying clotting agents.

2. Be sure to inform each and every sexual partner of your an tibody status. If shy and not given to easy verbalizing, consider the compassionate suggestion of William F. Buckley, Jr.: a tasteful tattoo on the hindquarters.

Originally appeared in
Body Positive,
Vol.1, No.9,September 1988.

 

3. Be prepared for the abrupt cessation of all activity when you announce your antibody status during an orgy.

4. There is nothing wrong with dashing across Sixth Avenue midblock during rush hour when the person adjacent to you sneezes; there is nothing wrong with refusing to shake hands with a bleary-eyed hay-fever victim. Henceforth, consider yourself an extreme hypochondriac. If you desire, cultivate this eccentricity to a high degree of refinement. Surgical masks are fashionable these days: No one should be without one in public. Similarly, elbow-length rubber gloves are rapidly gaining acceptance at cocktail parties and charity events.

5. Be considerate. When visiting squeamish relatives, carry your own silverware, bedding materials, towels, and works. If at all possible, rent a Portosan toilet for the weekend. Try to avoid informing your immediate family of your HIV status during stressful events: funerals, marriages, communal meals, or conversations. When the time comes, the use of sign language may be helpful in communicating this rather delicate fact.

6. Avoid sharing intravenous needles, toothbrushes, condoms, sticks of gum, crotchless panties, joints, ice-cream cones, dildoes, blood transfusions, wombs, tampons, zucchinis, and other intimate apparel.

7. It is considered gauche to inform a sexual partner of the not-so-recent past of your antibody status over the phone. Invite him or her to brunch. Slur your secret over the seventh cocktail.

8. Refrain from excessive cruising at AIDS benefits. This is unseemly behavior. Stenciling your first name and your phone number on your tuxedo jacket shows an appalling lack of taste. Be aware that contrary to your past experience, the large gathering at the john during intermission does not necessarily constitute a “very active tearoom.”

9. Bodybuilders and other narcissists should abstain from sweating at public gymnasiums. Louise Hay’s self-improvement techniques may prove helpful at this juncture; otherwise, try Mitchum Five-Day deodorant pads. Carry your own towel; drink from your own bottle of Evian; should you have an urge to spit into the drinking fountain, swallow the phlegm instead. Avoid public showers, steam rooms, sauna baths, whirlpools, and other possibly arousing venues. At all times men and women should wear jock-straps, underwear, shorts, and sweat pants, in order to prevent possible escape of seminal and/or vaginal secretions.

10. Gloves are essential for supermarket visits. Produce may be inspected with a magnifying glass and calipers; avoid any direct physical contact. You may find yourself purchasing more disposable paper goods, perhaps against your better instincts of ecology and conservation. Money and/or food stamps should be kept in a sealed Ziploc storage-bag to minimize handling.

11. Floss frequently before your biannual dental checkup to minimize bleeding. Refrain from the reflexive reaction to bite your hygienist as (s)he inserts large objects into your mouth and instructs you to clamp down. A mild sedative before the visit may be helpful. Avoid gagging. Male homosexuals may find this instruction especially easy to follow. When instructed to spit into the bowl, take care to aim with precision.

12. Children in elementary school should refrain from scratching and biting during routine squabbles. A water pistol should prove adequate for most confrontations; in the event that this does not suffice, brass knuckles are usually sufficient. For extremely fractious situations, summon an aide, an instructor, a counselor, or a police officer.

13. When visiting the seashore, be sure to use an industrial-strength insect repellent to avoid transmission of the virus through mosquitoes. In certain localities and communities, concerned townsfolk may desire to drain local swimming pools after you immerse yourself in them. Do not draw undue attention to your antibody status, should you find this behavior embarrassing and overattentive. Both men and women should wear inconspicuous one-piece swimsuits with maximal coverage, or, failing that, wet suits or Aqua-Lungs.

14. Shooting galleries should be visited during off-peak hours to minimize contact. Although passing the spike was in former years a symbolic gesture of conviviality and communion, henceforth you must completely refrain from this practice. Clorox bleach or sets of sterilized disposable hypodermics may be offered to the dealer as a gratuity. As always, spitting at the methadone clinic is unseemly behavior.

15. Prostitutes should use discretion in informing johns of their antibody status. It is inconsiderate to wait until a masochistic client is bound and gagged before telling. All sexual acts should be performed with the use of latex prophylactics and/or dental dams, regardless of the client’s desires. Payment in full should be accepted prior to services rendered. If these simple rules cannot be adhered to wholeheartedly, the prostitute should consider a reputable trade school.

16. Hair should be neatly groomed before visiting a tonsorial establishment. You may choose to supply your own combs, scissors, and razors. An extremely considerate patron would also carry a water spritzer to obviate the necessity of a shampoo, a portable hair dryer, and a Dustbuster for fallen hair. Whenever possible, exotic styling and dyeing should be performed in the privacy of your home. This also goes for tattoos and the piercing of ears and other organs.

17. In general, be unobtrusive in public. For example, try to keep on hand at least one complete outfit when doing laundry: Don’t wait until you’ve run out of underwear, and you are down to one pair of jeans with holes in provocative places. Don’t fight over dryers: This may draw blood. Again, a sedative may be helpful before visiting the Laundromat.

18. Realize that, unfortunately, your health-care practitioner is probably quite busy these days. Try to refrain from scheduling tests for T-cell counts more than twice a week. Avoid calling him or her with minor, trivial complaints. Hangnails are rarely fatal; that malaise you find yourself experiencing with greater frequency may be simple existential anxiety. Consider: Perhaps you are merely worried about the Bomb and nuclear annihilation and the abyss and the lack of meaning in a godless world and the fact that the only station you receive clearly out of fifty-seven stations is the shopping channel.

Delivered as a talk at OutWrite, the National Lesbian and Gay Writers Conference, on March 2, 1991; published in
NYQ,
January 6, 1992.