Questing Sucks (Book 1) (41 page)

It’s okay,
she thought.
As far as the mayor knows he’s just a nice little prince that had too much of his fine wine. We just need to get out of here, and now!

“I’ll take him to our quarters, if that would be okay. It’s been a long journey.”

The mayor laughed. “That will be fine, princess Saerina. You tend well to your brother. In all honesty, I am flattered that my personal stock of wine was good enough to get the great Prince Saerith drunk.”

Cah’lia smiled. So, things were finally working in their favor, were they?

“H-hey, P-P-
Pumplenumple
. Do
youuu
wanna see something cool? Watch this, o-okay? A-are you watching? I don’t see you watching,
hehehe
.”

Cah’lia grabbed Sehn aggressively by the shoulder, all the while maintaining her smile and offering her goodbyes to the wealthy Humans. “Come on, brother, we’re returning to our rooms.”

“No! F-first I wanna show something cool to my best friend
Rumpledumple
.”

The mayor was delighted. He rubbed his hands together, and stood from his chair. “What do you want to show me, Prince Saerith?”

Sehn turned to face him and began to dance, the same way as Nero. He spun, and clapped, and skipped. He looked like a complete idiot, and the Humans began to laugh. Cah’lia growled. This was humiliating to her as well.

“Let’s go, Se—err, Prince Saerith!”

A sound escaped Sehn’s lips. “
Guh
-huh.” It was the most ridiculous, stupid-sounding chuckle Cah’lia had ever heard. Without warning Sehn doubled over, and a volcanic stream of chunky vomit exploded from his parted lips, covering the fancy carpets and spreading along the floor. The Humans leapt to their feet, each running over to ask if Sehn was okay.

He made the sound again. “
Guh
-huh.” Then, for no reason whatsoever, he turned to the group of servants playing instruments, and extended his hand. “Remmos Salas!”

The dark dining hall brightened with a blinding flash of light as an unexpected fireball soared over two tables, coming to crash into the nearest musician. He ran around the room screaming at the top of his lungs. “Why! Why!” he cried.

The mayor remained motionless, probably too shocked to react The other musician’s tackled the ignited one to the ground, and grabbed nearby table cloths, jumping on top of him to put the fire out. Servants ran around in a fanatical craze, knocking over and shattering expensive wine glasses.

Cah’lia became frantic. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to say. She clutched Sehn’s shoulder even tighter, praying that this was all a nightmare she’d wake up from.

Sehn shrugged her off, and marched to the second set of tables. He pointed a threatening finger at the chief of city ordinances. “Y-You!” he half-slurred, half shouted. “H-how f-f-f-fucking dare you challenge the Great Sehn to a, umm, a, Cah’lia?”

Cah’lia tilted back her head and cried in frustration. “Oh, it doesn’t even matter anymore!” she moaned. “A city ordinances war, Sehn. That’s what you’re trying to say.”

“Y-yea,” Sehn slurred. “How dare you challenge the Great Sehn to a city ordinances war! I shall ordinance the fuck out of your city! As punishment, you shall be required to—”

Sehn leaned over and vomited a second time. Then, he stumbled over to a nearby table, and for no discernible reason he picked up a wine glass and hit himself in the face with it, breaking the glass and knocking himself unconscious. He fell to the floor in a crumpled heap.

Why, Gods, why
? Cah’lia wondered.
What did I ever do to any of you?

Chapter 40: Envious Precious Memories

 

At first the only thing Sehn felt was the hard, cold floor on the back of his head. Dizziness and confusion overwhelmed him, stirring together and blending with his dreadful headache to create a nauseating cocktail of disorientation. Sehn pulled back his eyelids just a bit, thankful wherever he ended up was dark. He opened them slightly more, and his blurry vision made out wavy grey lines. He felt the beginnings of fear. He opened them even more, and his location was undeniable. The grey lines were steel bars—Sehn was inside of a dungeon.

“Fuck!” he growled. “Somehow I always knew I’d end up spending the rest of my life in a place like this…but still! How dare someone imprison the Great Sehn! When I discover who’s responsible, I shall…I shall…I shall explode in a burst of Godly fire and brimstone!”

“Keep it down,
willya
?” said a man’s voice. Sehn leapt to his feet, and cleared the blurriness from his vision. Lying down with a content, and comforted look, was a middle aged Human with black graying hair and hazel eyes. What was odd was how happy he looked. He smacked his lips, lolled his tongue, and then rolled over, making himself comfortable, and yawning.

Only the grogginess prevented Sehn from fireballing him on the spot. “Did…did a mere mortal just tell Sehn to ‘calm down?’”

“A mere what?” The man sat up, leaning into a sitting position. The cell was dark, illuminated by nothing more than a few slowly melting candles. There was a rotten smell to the place.

The man stretched and yawned, before dusting off his worn pants and coming to his feet. “I’m in a good mood,” he said. “This time, I remember everything!”

Sehn didn’t know what the man was rambling about, and he didn’t care, either. He was far too furious at being locked away. He should’ve known something was wrong after his head got wobbly following his sixth glass of wine. There was a small crack at the top of the back wall in the rocky dungeon. Based on the position of the few visible stars, Sehn knew the sun was only moments from rising.

Then it hit him. Everything. Sehn remembered the fire, the city-ordinances war, and his final humiliating act of self-inflicted harm. Much to his embarrassment his skin prickled with cold fear. Cah’lia was going to be pissed! And he’d been so close, too. Another few minutes and they would’ve walked out of the mayor’s home with riches in hand.

The Human walked over, throwing an arm around Sehn’s shoulder and giving him a pat on the back. Normally, Sehn would become enraged at someone touching him with such presumed kinship, but he was paralyzed with worry. What was Cah’lia going to do to him? And why did they throw him in the dungeons?

“I heard what ya did, rookie,” the man said. “Although, I must admit I’m quite impressed. I’d give it a seven out of ten, you know?”

Sehn shook his head, trying to clear his mind. “What in the Gods are you on about, Human?”

The man looked shocked. His lips opened in a wide ring, and he rolled his eyes. “Why, your drunken performance, of course! The name’s Marshall, Elf. Alan Marshall…and drinking and making a fool out of myself are my passions in life. I’m what you’d call an expert in drunken idiocy.”

Sehn replayed the words in his mind. He had literally no idea what this ‘Alan Marshall,’ was talking about, but one thing stuck out to him. “Just who do you think you’re calling a ‘seven out of a ten,’ mortal? Everything the Great Sehn does is an infinite out of ten!”

Alan removed the hand from Sehn’s shoulder and sat back down on the cold dungeon floor. “So, you think you’re the best at everything, do you?”

Sehn nodded. “Yes.”

Alan nodded along with him. “I believe you, Great Sehn, well, almost. I’m sure you’re the best at everything in the world. Except,” he said, his eyes glowing with pride. “When it comes to drinking. When it comes to intoxicating yourself beyond what is acceptable or tolerable, I, the Great Alan Marshall, am the undisputed best.”

Sehn threw his hands to his empty scabbard. “Draw your blade, Human! Ah, I mean, when we get them back,” he finished in a mumble.

Alan didn’t appear to be concerned by Sehn’s threats. “I don’t care how great you are,” he said. “I once drank so much that I literally ruined history. Your Elven princess Saerina visited my Kingdom’s capital to sign a treaty that would have brought in a new dawn of prosperity, and I ruined it by shaking my rump in her face and barfing over her dress.”

“I-Is this true?” Sehn gasped. He wanted to be angry at the man, he knew that he should be, yet hearing of how he mistreated that insufferable princess took the breath out of him.

“It’s a hundred percent true, Elf. Getting drunk is awesome—it’s the finest pleasure in life. I don’t remember the event myself, it’s one of my biggest regrets, but I was able to get a hold of the document detailing the crime. Let me just say,” Alan held up two fingers, forming them into a circle, “it was
suh-weet
.” Alan titled his head back and exploded with laughter, his breath reeking of alcohol. “I got the princess but good.”

Against Sehn’s desires to slaughter the man, he sat on the floor next to him and laughed along. “I’ve got you beat, Human-fool. I know this princess as well. I once told her she’s a bitch in need of a fireballing. It’s true! I, the Great Sehn, was all like—‘according to my calculations, you’re a bitch in desperate need of a fireballing.’ No one knows this, but I once put a frog in her traveling pack, oh, and one time I farted in her tea.”

Alan’s laughter turned maniacal, and within a few moments the two of them were lying on their backs quivering with giddy laughter. Sehn knew at that moment the man was worthy. “I have just decided that you have been granted the most honorable and prestigious role in the known universe. The role of ‘friend.’ Henceforth, you shall be known as friend of Sehn, and the name shall grant you protection in all of your travels. Now, tell me about some other hilarious things you’ve done.”

Sehn and Alan spent the remainder of the early morning trading stories of wondrous deeds. Sehn liked the Human—he seemed like a kindred spirit. Sehn liked Alan so much, that he even agreed to trap Alan’s soul in hell for only two million years, instead of the normal eight all others would face once Sehn conquered the nether realm.

“So this one time, right, I was really, really, drunk,” Alan began. “And there was this, umm, small bar owned by a kind little family. I had one too many, which, in my view is one too few. So I’m knocking back drink after drink, one after another, and I start getting into this really cool drunken rage. The bartender, he tries to cut me off. So get this. Okay, are you ready, Great Sehn? Are you ready for it?”

Sehn shook with anticipation. His voice became high pitched like a squealing girl’s. “Tell me, tell me!”

“I left the bar and went to my horse, right? So I told my horse, Lucy was her name, that if she did me a little favor she could have all the wine she wanted. Let me tell ya, no one liked a drink as much as good old Lucy—died of liver poisoning last year, the poor thing. So anyway, I got on her back and made her jump through the window. I was naked, of course. Being drunk is only fun naked. So there I was riding through the bar naked on top of my horse, and we scared the Gods out of all the customers, it was great. Then Lucy crapped all over the floor. Good times.”

Sehn clapped his hands in approval. “A wonderful story my new friend! As your reward, the Great Sehn shall tell you a tale of his own.”

Over the next few minutes Sehn told Alan how he defeated the Drashian Overseer, how he planned to conquer the universe, and overthrow the Gods. Sehn was fascinated by the Human. Finally, there was someone who agreed with him on things. Alan nodded along to each of Sehn’s tales, and Sehn found himself enjoying the Human’s stories as well.

“And I told her,” Alan laughed, fumes of foul smelling alcohol trailing his breath. “If you want me to stop getting into fights with wild grizzly bears, then stop making your ale so damned powerful!”

Sehn applauded. “Ah, we must break free of this place and head to a bar immediately. I must drink with you, my new friend.”

“Now you’re talking, Great Sehn.”

The small talk continued for some time after. Sehn and Alan bounced questions off of each other, and laughed and applauded at each other’s responses.

“So, what is it you do, Alan?” Sehn asked. “I’m curious to know what role my new friend plays. You had better be a man of power. The Great Sehn does not take kindly to weak mortals.”

Alan’s face beamed with pride. “When not intoxicated, I’m a commander for the Kingdom’s armies, and the best at what I do, as hard as that may be to believe. What about you, Sehn? What do you do?”

Sehn sighed. “Ah, nothing much. I rule the universe, keep things in balance, you know…the usual God-stuff.”

There was an approaching clicking sound from the distance, and in an instant Sehn’s ears twitched and his muscles tensed. “Damn,” he whispered. “Trouble is coming, the annoying kind. I don’t know what upsets me more. The actual person who’s on their way, or the fact that I know it’s her just from the sound her feet makes on the floor.”

Alan walked over to the dungeon’s steel bars, gripping them in both hands and poking his ear through. His pupils grew large and his face drained of color. “Oh dear,” he said. “There’s two sets of feet, not one, and I know who the second belongs to as well…”

“Don’t tell me,” Sehn growled. “You’ve got yourself an annoying woman that tries to tell you what to do?”

“Wait, you too!” Alan said in disbelief. “I can’t believe it.”

Sehn swung his head around the room, looking for some way out. “We need to get out of here right away. I shall return for vengeance and justice later, but for now we need to escape. I’m in no mood to deal with the insufferable Cah’lia.”

“That makes two of us,” Alan mumbled. “Maybe if you boost me up I can grab that window ledge. Then I’ll pull you up along with me.”

“How dare you suggest standing on top of the Great Sehn! No, you shall boost me up, and then perhaps I shall not betray you for your insolence.”

Alan shrugged. “All right, that works too.”

Sehn and Alan hugged the wall, and Alan dropped into a crouch. Sehn leaped on his shoulders. “Hold steady now, Human. I’m going to jump up to the—”

“Sehn!” Cah’lia screeched.

“Alan!” another added.

Sehn froze, his stomach still pressing against the wall. He knew he couldn’t face away from her forever, so with great reluctance he pried his head around and wore his most innocent face, all the while standing on Alan’s back.

Alan shook, and Sehn knew it wasn’t because of his weight. “R-Rebecca,” he gasped. “I can explain.”

Sehn got off of Alan’s back and stood his ground next to him. Cah’lia arrived with a tall, red-haired Human woman. Her posture was straight as a dagger, and despite her rigid face and stern eyes, she was quite beautiful. “Save it, Alan. I’m very disappointed in you.”

Alan danced on his feet, and looked on with gratitude at the thick steel bars keeping the two women out. “I am your commanding officer, umm, you can’t just yell at me like that.”

“You want to bet!” she snarled. She gripped the steel bars in both hands. “You’re going to wish you didn’t sneak off and start another one of your riots.”